Friday, July 31, 2009

Spillover

Relationships are messy. They never fit in nice neat little containers and they seem to spill over with greater frequency than I would like. And that spillover is usually distressingly painful. Tonight I had a reminder of the painfulness of that spillover.

Years back when my husband of 21 years decided he was tired of me and wanted something new and different, my life blew apart at the seams. It was a life changing event in every aspect of my life. Social, professional, and even familial relationships were destroyed by a single act of will by a sinful selfish person. In the months that followed, his insistence on vilifying me at every turn became so destructive that I instituted a “no contact” policy. That policy protected me and offered me a safe buffer from the constant assault.

In the months after the divorce he filed suit after suit and in desperation I finally waived all financial support, all the retirement incomes and just retreated into a corner and asked to him to leave me alone. But he began to show up at family events, even when I asked that he not be there. I began to hold firm to my “no contact” policy and began to slowly heal.

I have successfully avoided him for over 10 years and for the most part I feel healed and confident. I felt that way right up until about an hour ago. I was talking to my son on the phone and he invited me to the upcoming baby shower. I was excited and chatting right up until he dropped the bombshell … his father and “the other woman” was going to be there. Immediately my throat choked up, the tears poured and I struggled to get a coherent sentence out of my mouth. I was absolutely horrified at my involuntary and unexpected response.

I hate that response. I have cried way too many tears over that man and his choices. I have to say that I am surprised at the rush of emotions, fears and the sheer assault that this brings to my sense of well being. I thought I had pulled it together a little better than this. I find that I am at a loss to know how to fix this. I do not have the wisdom or the strength to fix this myself.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you” 1 Peter 5:7

I think all I can do is keep laying this down. I think I need prayer time and quiet time with God. I might not be able to fix this, but He can if I will allow it. So why do I find this so hard?

Just Connie

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Everyday Blessings

It is finally cooling off. It is probably about 70 degrees and there is a beautiful breeze blowing. I have all the windows open and I am enjoying the fresh air. The wind chimes are chiming and ringing. It is a very welcome sound.

I find that I am very tired. Not much sleep last night, the high emotions that have been running in all of the family and the oppressive heat have taken their toll on me today. I am looking forward to getting a solid nights of sleep and being able to catch up on some of my household chores.

One of the other pastors brought me a load of wood chips today. I am so excited! I am going to use them as a mud barrier to fix Charlie”s “bunker hill”. It is really bad and when it rains it will be one giant mud pit. I am planning on grabbing a shovel and evening it out as best as I can. Then I have some chicken wire and I am going to spread it over the level dirt. When that is all done I am going to spread a good 6-7 inches of wood chips over the top.

I am rather hoping that all of this work will solve two of my major backyard problems. The first one being Charlie’s love of digging herself sleeping dens in the backyard. It is more than an eye-sore, it makes it hard to walk without endangering yourself to falling in one of her pits. Then of course there is the problem of the constant mud and dirt and debris that the dogs drag into the house with them.

I was so surprised when Pastor Gary pulled up in front of the house with the trailer load of wood chips. It was all I could do to not do my happy dance. (I did not want to shock him too deeply) It was unexpected, but very welcome. It was also a kind and generous thing to do on a hot summer evening.

It got me to thinking about everyday blessings. I think that sometimes I get so wrapped up in the struggles and hurts of everyday life that I fail to identify and celebrate those everyday blessings that I am given.

“From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another” John 1:16

I want to not just notice the blessings, but to really take the time to breathe those blessings in. I want to take the time to savor each and every one of them. The blessings are there … all around me. Sometimes not as obvious as a trailer of woodchips in my driveway but they are they waiting to be discovered and enjoyed. I think that I will enjoy looking for them.

Just Connie

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Family Time

My family met together tonight. It was wonderful to see everyone, but was a rather sobering experience. Dad wanted the chance to tell everyone about his open heart surgery on Tuesday and let us know exactly what the doctors had told him. It was wonderful to see and experience the love and support that my family always brings in time of need.

I know that during the months of his recovery that people will be in and out of the house to encourage and to help them in everyway they can. The family has always revolved around my father and mother. They have sacrificed and given to us time and time again. This is our opportunity to serve and support them.

It is a precious gift to give back to the people who have given so much to us. I am glad for the chance to show my parents in very real and practical ways how much they mean to me. I think this can be a time of real growth and new understanding between all of us.

I am going to be praying for discernment and strength in the months to come. Discernment to see where there is need and the strength to not be hampered my own fears or sadness. I am choosing to expect great things.

“Learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God” 1 Timothy 5:4

Just Connie

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Traveling Tomorrow

It is still blistering hot. It hard to do much of anything when it is this hot. But life goes on even when you wish that it would stop until things cooled off. It is 8:00 at night and is till over 100 degrees. sigh … I am very glad for my little wall unit air conditioner.

My mother called today to let me know that on Tuesday my father will be going in for open heart surgery. It seems that he has an aorta valve that will need to be replaced. What a wondrous thing our technology is that they can do such a thing.

I am finding the thought of my father having open heart surgery rather scary. My parents are at the core of our family. We all depend and lean on them for their wisdom and their steadiness. Now it will be our turn to come alongside them and offer love and support.

I have a feeling that they might not find it easy to be on the receiving end for a change. I rather think that I might need to be creative in the ways that I offer help. I think one of the best things I can do right now, especially since I am out of work is to just be with them.

So tomorrow I will head to Burlington with the dogs and be with the family. The entire family will gather tomorrow to be together. I will have the chance to just love on my father and make sure that he knows how much I love him. I guess this is an opportunity to be loving, to be supportive, to be the hands and feet of Christ in very real and practical ways.

“Parents are the pride of their children” Proverbs 17:6

Just Connie

Monday, July 27, 2009

Living Alone

I had conversation with Gerrald a few days ago and that usually makes me a bit introspective. This time it made me sad as well. He sounded hoarse and when I asked him if he was sick, he told me he had been “poorly”. In the past that was a euphuism for “I’ve been on a week long drunk”. He has changed jobs and seems to be in upheaval. My heart hurt for him and I struggled to find common safe ground to talk about with him. There is a part of me that wishes I didn’t still care so deeply about what happens to him. But I do and I am grieved.

The conversation with my husband reminded me that there are worse things than being alone. I am trying hard to hold onto that. But it has been an uphill battle for me this past week. I do not like living alone. I guess I have always kind of known that. It just has been ringing in my mind today. I hate coming home to an empty house every day. I miss the companionship of a marriage partner. I miss having someone care about my day, care about me, someone to share my life with. It is like a toothache that does not go away.

So here I am. Life is not what I would like, but it is what it is. I am trying to embrace the life I have and not waste my days grieving for I have lost. I do that better some days than others. I want to look ahead. I need to look ahead. I guess it is all a matter of focus.

“He has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping” Psalm 66:9

God has never let me down and He will not let me down now. I need to keep living like I believe that.

Just Connie

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Willamina Sunday

Today is Sunday and I am still working into my new role at the Willamina Church. I am teaching the adult Sunday School class, which I am really enjoying. We are studying Proverbs and it has been an exciting class so far. There is such wisdom and depth in Proverbs and it is so applicable for us today. I am enjoying the discussion. The class is very large and is an eclectic blend of people and ages. I think that makes for broader and better discussion. It just gets better week by week.

My other duty on Sundays is to take the offering during the service. I am enjoying the challenge to keep stewardship fresh and new each week. It will be interesting to see how things will continue to develop in the weeks ahead.

I love my assignment at Willamina. The people actually want me to be there which is a refreshing change over the past months. They have been very kind and welcoming. It has really warmed my heart to be there. It will be a privilege to be their pastor.

I also think it will be a good place for me to heal. The past year has been so incredibly painful and that hurt does affect my everyday life. I think I am doing better day by day, but I recognize that there is still healing that needs to happen. I think this congregation will love me and help me grow and heal in the days ahead even as I love and serve them.

“And you also are among those who are called to belong to Jesus Christ” Romans 1:6

I guess it is just a matter of recognizing that I am right where God wants me. And I think that is the best place I could possibly be.

Just Connie

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Hot

Hot! Hot! Hot! That is what the weather has been for over a week. It is always surprising to me when it heats up like this. And they are saying that it will hit triple digits within the next couple of days.

It was hot enough today that I brought the dogs inside for the day. Poor Charlie, my sheepdog just digs new holes when it gets this hot. So I took pity on her and brought her inside today. Right now she is spread out on the living room floor like a living breathing bearskin rug. She is rather hard to maneuver around, but at least it is not nearly as hot inside as it is outside.

For me, I just melt when it gets this hot. I find that I have no drive to accomplish anything. All I want to do is lie on the couch and fan myself. So today I have followed that inclination and watched TV, worked on my Sunday School lesson for tomorrow and played with the dogs.

When it gets cooler I will clean up and vacuum the dog hair off the carpets from the dogs day inside and throw open the windows to catch the Willamina evening breeze. I better get in this habit now as the hot weather is supposed to stick around.

“And when the south wind blows, you say, 'It's going to be hot,' and it is” Luke 12:55

Just Connie

Friday, July 24, 2009

Asking & Being

It has been a rather laid back day. I washed the dogs (outside) and brushed them out. Between the two of them that is a major part of any day. But it is immensely easier when the weather is good. That only means a large bottle of shampoo and the garden hose and a couple of towels. That is one task behind me for a couple of weeks anyway.

I keep plugging away at the house. I am still finding things to carry up to the attic. I have a large pile of stuff stacked in the dining room waiting to go up. It is a major undertaking to take stuff up to the attic. My ladder is about a foot shorter than I need to get up in the attic easily. That means I have to stand on the tippy top of the ladder and pull myself up by my arms. Which, means I can’t have anything in my arms. It is really a two person job. I find that I hate asking for help. I am considering asking one of the neighbor boys to come down and help me. … sigh…. I just hate asking.

It makes me wonder why I hate asking for help. What is it that makes it so hard? I know that I am somewhat driven to excel. I also know that I want people to think well of me. But do those things keep me from reaching out when I need to? I think that sometimes it might. Neither of those desires are wrong in themselves, but I guess it needs to be balanced. I need to not let my desire to do well, mask my needs or keep me from being honest with people.

If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” Ecclesiastes 4:10

I will work harder at asking for help. I know that there are friends and neighbors who would be glad to help. It is just a matter of being transparent. I think I will have to work at this. I am a work in progress.

Just Connie

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Here There Be Monsters

There are monsters at my house. They are ugly and scary and hide in unexpected corners. One of the lurking monsters has been pretending to be a carpet shampooer. It is big and it is scary. My husband had always fought this particular monster. Since he left, that monster, just got bigger and scarier. It was yet another task I had to learn and conquer. The carpets were bad when I got back to the house this last winter and have grown much worse over the intervening months. I finally felt that I had no choice I had to face this particular monster. I am embarrassed to admit it, but I had never used the shampooer. My husband always took care of that. But it was just a carpet shampooer, how hard could it be?

The first obstacle was just getting in the shop. Just before Gerrald left he had taken a large pew from the Mission to refinish. He had only gotten it partially stripped when he left. I am still waiting for the Mission to come and get it since there is no way for me to take it to them. Unfortunately there is no real room for it in the shop. To open and close the door you have to shift this immense wooden pew. To get to anything you have to crawl over the top of the pew. So I opened the door partially, shoved my shoulder against the pew and shifted it far enough to open the door. Then I climbed up on the pew and began to look for the carpet shampooer. I found it behind the file cabinet and when I wedged myself behind the file cabinet I discovered another obstacle. That shampooer is HEAVY! I balanced myself on the back of the pew and wiggled behind the file cabinet and snagged the shampooer with one hand. Well I soon discovered there was no way in the world I had enough strength in one arm to lift that shampooer. So I wiggled and twisted until I could get both hands on it and inch by inch lifted in out and drug it across the back of the pew and finally out of the shop.

By that time I was sweaty, covered with cobwebs and dirt and had discovered yet another obstacle. When Gerrald put the shampooer away he had left the dirty water in it. I discovered this when I stumbled out of the shop and landed with the shampooer on top of me. The filthy, stinky, moldy (8 month old dirty water) cascaded over me. I sat there on the floor of garage, covered in filth, stinking to high heaven and said several pertinent things to my estranged husband.

So I wiped off what I could, put some clean dry clothes on and began to clean the shampooer so it could be used. If I wasn’t so determined to not let this monster defeat me, I would have given up by this time. But I kept at it and even figured out how to put hot water & soap in it and even operate it.

I have spent the rest of the day working on the carpets and they are actually beginning to look pretty good. It is certainly an improvement. In a few minutes I will wash it one last time and reverse the whole procedure to put it back in the shop. Well minus the part when I am sitting in a pool of stinky water. I think I will do it without that part.

I guess though there were parts of today that were difficult, it is good to have one of those monsters laid to rest. It gives me hope that I can defeat a few more of the monsters that have overwhelmed me in the past months.

“For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory." Deuteronomy 20:4

That is a good reminder that I do not fight these monsters alone.

Just Connie

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

VBS Thoughts

Tonight was the last night of VBS. It has been a lot of fun. The kids are so natural, it is a joy to be with them. They are so loving and so happy to be with you, it just warms my heart. I love walking into a room and having children be excited to see me. It really does wrap me in a sense of well being and love.

My experience with the kids got me to wondering if I am that natural and loving around people? Do I show genuine joy just to see them? Do they feel my happiness to just be with them? I hope so. I want that kind of transparency in my relationships. I would like to bring the joy I felt this week to those I come into contact with.

I rather think that it might be kind of scary to live with that kind of transparency. It could be rather like living with your skin off. But I do think it would be worth it. Living a life that is constrained and protected can be rather joyless. Life can be difficult enough without me adding to it by wrapping myself in emotional bubble wrap.

“He who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do” Psalm 33:15

This is a good reminder to live well, live honestly and live fully. It is what I was made for. So I guess it is a matter of living to my potential. I think I will go put my bubble wrap away.

Just Connie

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

VBS Day 3

Tonight was day 3 of VBS. I am exhausted. I have paint speckled on my face, my feet hurt and I am hot and sweaty. I guess that means it was a wonderful night. It really was fun. I danced, ran, painted and generally played around with the kids. It was fun to let my hair down so to speak and just play.

Being with the kids is a reminder of how important it is for me to take the time to play and enjoy life. I am not sure that I take do that very often. In fact I think so much of the last 8 months have been focused on surviving, that even when I think of recreating, I still do not “play”. There has been so many tears and such sadness that I have spent too much of my time just trying to get through one more day.

The kids tonight ran and jumped just for the sheer joy of moving. I want that kind of freedom and joy where I can celebrate the simple pleasures of everyday life. I want to experience that on a regular basis. I want it to flow out of me naturally as part of who I am.

For me I think that spending time with children is good practice. I am glad for the chance to play with the kids this week. I think I will look with purpose for moments to play in the days ahead. It is time to run and play and laugh.

“But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.” Psalm 68:3

I think perhaps the laughter can even chase the tears and despair away.

Just Connie

VBS Night 2

* It seems I forgot to post this last night … so here it is *

Tonight was the second night of Vacation Bible School. It has been over 10 years since I last was involved with VBS. I had forgotten how much fun it could be. The theme for our VBS is set in a western town. So we are all in western dress. I had so much fun with the kids. It was wonderful. I had a group of 8 preschool kids. We played games, made a craft project, took a walk around the church to pet the animals and sang and danced. We also ran and jumped and acted like farm animals. The kids seemed to have a wonderful time.

I am beat. I am 10 years older than I was the last time I did VBS and I think I can feel every one of those years tonight. The weather was extremely hot and the cook wagon was in my room. I am tired and sweaty but satisfied. As soon as I cool off a little bit I will take a shower and crawl into bed.

It is good to have the chance to be with kids and just enjoy them. I do not often get that chance. How thankful I am for this new assignment that gives me a chance to stretch myself in so many ways. VBS is a good reminder for me to just have fun.

“So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work” Ecclesiastes 3:22

So tomorrow I will play with the kids again … you know I love my job.

Just Connie

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Rewards of Parenthood

My daughter is in the hospital. That is a really scary thing. This is something that I cannot fix. It seems that she has a bad kidney infection that has gotten into her bloodstream. Her temp goes up and down and she cannot keep anything down and she is in a lot of pain.

I would so like to fix this for her and I cannot. All I can do is love her and be with her when she wants me there. How frustrating for a mother … how frustrating for me the “fixer”.

I have also found it difficult to step back and let my daughter be a grown up in this circumstance. She is a smart, talented and competent young woman. She is also independent. I am trying real hard to not smother her or ask more of her than she wants to give. If I could have chosen I would have been at the hospital every moment with her since she checked in. But instead of following what I want, I am trying to follow what she wants and what she needs from me.

I am very proud of my daughter and very thankful for her. So I will continue to do lots of praying and will be available when she needs me. I guess that is the very best thing I can do for her.

“children are reward from Him.” Psalm 127:3

“Rewards” can be a mixed blessing at times … but still very rewarding.

Just Connie

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Old Hurt in a New Way

There are experiences and hurts in all of our backgrounds that remain tender. There are wounds that are slow to heal and wounds that are easily reinjured. For me one of those tender spots is rejection. The worse thing I can think of is to be unloved …. to be left alone …. to be rejected.

I can still see in my mind’s eye the night my husband of 21 years came home and handed me a letter and left. Those moments are forever etched in my memory. The despair that engulfed me in the months following still grips me at times. It is the same despair that has assailed me when my daughter left home, the same despair when Gerrald left yet again. Rejected … unwanted … unlovable….

Most times those hurts are healing and easily forgotten. But there are times that the wound is opened and the hurt flows from it fresh and strong. The past 8 months I have worked hard to heal the wounds and to see past my personal history and experiences, the wound is there healing, but tender.

Today that wound was ripped open. I was surprised with how quickly it happened and how all the old feelings of rejection welled up. Unwanted … useless … unloved …. unlovable … all of those emotions pounded at me. I tried to raise myself beyond the feelings, but all I could do is cry.

I keep prodding at this hurt trying to find the edges of the wound so it can be cleansed and healed. But all I find is pain.

I keep reminding myself that God loves me, I have friends who love me and I have family that love me. I am not unloved or unlovable, but yet the hurt is still there. So tonight I acknowledge the pain. It is there, but I will not let it defeat me. God is bigger than my hurt.

“My God is so great, so strong and so mighty, there is nothing my God cannot do.” (children’s song)

I will grow past this and tomorrow is a new day.

Just Connie

Friday, July 17, 2009

Sorting & Friendships

What a day. .... hot, hot and hotter. I headed to Gladstone first thing this morning to sort through the financial and historical records. Some of it needs to be shredded and some of it needs to be stored with the Conference Office. Of course all of the records were in the attic. The attic was about 800 degrees. That is probably a slight exaggeration but not too much of one.

I worked fairly steady for a while climbing up and down the ladder into the attic pulling out boxes, hauling them back down the ladder and carrying them out to the sanctuary. It got hotter and hotter. I had sweat running down my face and trickling down my back. I finally carried what I could out to the car, stacked the rest in the office and retreated. I felt guilty for not finishing, but I did not have it in me to work any longer in that furnace.

So now I have a car load of boxes that need to be sorted and then taken to the Conference Office. I finally decided that it was a better idea to sort them at home in the air conditioning than it was to give myself a heat stroke at the church.

I got home just in time to change out of my wet sweaty clothes and change for a wedding shower at the church. But the shower was very nice but very hot. The bride to be got a lot of nice gifts that will be a blessing in their new home. I am finding that I really enjoy spending time with the people from the church. I am hoping that I will develop some friendships in the months to come.

I have come to realize that I am fairly isolated since I have been out of work. I really miss all the friendships I had built at the Mission and in the Salem community over the past 10 years. So I am hoping for friendships here in Willamina. I realize that it will take time and it will take effort. It will also take some emotional effort and risk and sometimes that feels a bit scary to me ….. well to be honest it feels downright terrifying.

But I am going to commit to reaching out to people and commit to building relationships. The friendships will come in time, if I will risk myself and keep working at it.

I think the risk is worth it.

“A righteous man is cautious in friendship” Proverbs 12:26

Just Connie

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Love

Love …. I have been thinking about love a lot today. Yesterday my estranged husband told me several times that he loved me. I really struggled with an appropriate response. I found that yesterday I really could not do much other than to cry. Today it has got me thinking about what love is.

We live in a culture where we are told about the “one perfect soul mate” … the great love of our life. Everything in our culture is built around the magic of falling in love. It is all about the emotions we feel. But yet scripture gives us a very different viewpoint of what love is. In 1 Corinthians 13 we are told:

1If I speak in the tongues] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Love is not a warm fuzzy emotion. Love is a deliberate choice that we make. It is choosing to be loving … even when we do not feel like it. Gerrald’s choices & his actions are not loving. It is not love to frighten your wife into submission. It is not love to drink yourself into a stupor night after night so that you do not have to deal with life. It is not love to build up thousands of dollars of debt and walk away. It is not love to repeatedly abandon your wife. It is not love to lie, deceive and cheat.

It is a truth that sucks the breath out of my lungs. Every indication is that my husband does not love me in that way. … My husband does not love me … My husband does not love me. He has chosen to not love me. His every action and reaction to me shouts out that fact that he does not love me.

How do I wrap my mind and heart around that fact? I find that I do not want to believe it. But yet there it is. I have no choice but to find a way to face this.

I think the answer for me is found in that Corinthian passage.These three remain; faith, hope and love”. I must have faith that God loves me, faith that God is in control and faith that God has a purpose and a plan for me. I must have hope that God will bring me through, hope that there are brighter tomorrows for me and hope that I will not always “feel” this way. I must have love. I must receive love, give love and be loving regardless of how I feel.

Truth is found not in who doesn’t love me, but in “Who” does love me. I am loved by God. That is enough to hold onto for tomorrow.

Just Connie

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Path

Well, I am not so mad today. I almost wish that I was, I think it might be more productive than this all consuming sorrow that has gripped me. I am having trouble concentrating and focusing on much of anything.

My husband called me this morning. He seemed surprised that I was upset that he had used the credit card he had told me he was not going to use. He told me he would send the money to me and pay me back. But since he has not sent me any money he has owed in the 8 months he has been gone, I really do not expect to receive anything now. He kept telling me that he loves me. I had nothing to say, all I could do is cry.

He also told me he was sorry that things had not worked out for us, but I needed to remember that he loved me. He also told me that he considered “us finished”. Again, all I could do is cry.

I do not understand my grief. I really had no secret hope that our relationship would be magically healed. He doesn’t want to live sober. I do not want to live with a volatile drunk. He has threatened me, put me in a choke hold, devastated me financially, given me a concussion, abandoned me repeatedly …. why am I overwhelmed with sorrow at this point? I should be thankful to be safe and free from fear.

And yet the hurt that is battering away at me is all too real. I just cannot seem to throw it off. I have a feeling that it is not something I will be able to throw off. I think I will have to walk through this, one step at a time. I do not want to walk this path. But it stretches out before me regardless of what I want.

I guess it comes down to doing what I think God wants me to do. At this moment, right here, right now. I might not be able to choose what path I walk right now, but I can choose how I walk the path. Tonight I keep walking though tears are blurring the path.

“I consider all your precepts right, I hate every wrong path” Psalm 119:128

Just Connie

Monday, July 13, 2009

Steaming Mad

I am steamed and I can’t decide if I angrier at Gerrald or myself. I have been slowly paying off the many bills that Gerrald left me with. Which, is challenging since I am unemployed. One of those bills is a gas card. The card is in my name and Gerrald told me that he would not use it anymore after he left 8 months ago.

Surprise, surprise when I got the monthly bill today from the gas company and there was over $130 of charges from him. When I called the credit card company they alerted me to hundreds of dollars of outstanding charges that have not been billed yet.

I was floored … and I was angry. Angry that he would not follow through and do what he told me he was going to do. Angry, that he would continue to take advantage of me. Angry, that he has continued in a life style that is foreign and completely incomprehensionable to me.

I am also angry at myself. Angry that I believed that he would do what he told me he would do. Angry, that I allowed myself to be taken advantage of again. Angry, that I could have been so stupid.

I also find that I am grieved. How could he care so little about me, how could he care so little about my life to impose these additional financial burdens on me? I do not understand. How can he profess love and care for me and yet act in such a thoughtless and selfish way? This hurts in away that is all too familiar and yet is now fresh and raw again.

I am tired of crying. I am tired of hurting. I am weary to my very heart.

“My face is red with weeping, deep shadows ring my eyes” Job 16:16

Just Connie

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Sing-Along Sunday

It was a full Sunday. I taught my first Adult Sunday School Class at the Willamina Church. We will be looking at the book of Proverbs. I think it will be a very good study on wisdom and knowledge and God’s guidelines for our everyday life. I love teaching and it was a joy to hear people sharing from their hearts as we worked our way through the first chapter. I will look forward to the weeks ahead and we dig into this rich book.

After church I went home and had a quick lunch. Then I had just enough time to and bake cookies for the evening sing-along at the church. Then it was time to report to the church for my afternoon assignment. I was part of the team that was passing out flyers for VBS. I pulled up to the church about the same the rain storm hit. It was a soggy cold afternoon. And I was one of the lucky ones. I got to stay mostly in the car driving. But I still got pretty wet.

Then it was back to the church to practice for the sing-along. It was a wonderful evening. The churches from Grand Ronde, Willamina and Sheridan got together for singing and fellowship. We had a great turnout and had over 100 people that came. Each church presented special music and there was lots of hymn singing. Afterwards we had a time of fellowship and refreshments. People stayed around and chatted and just enjoyed spending time with each other. It was uplifting and refreshing as well as completely enjoyable

“Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs” Psalm 100:2

I love Sundays, I love the chance to worship and it will be interesting to see how they unfold in the months ahead as settle into my new church assignment.

Just Connie

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Work Day

Today the church banded together to help someone who had need. We have a woman in our congregation who has had a cascade of physical problems in the last year or so. Her property was getting away from her. So we gathered our tools and equipment and threw ourselves into the work at hand.

We cut brush, rolled wire, cut trees and shrubs, weeded flower beds and tried to tame the encroaching flora. In the process we laughed, talked and just enjoyed working alongside each other.

We ended up getting a lot done in one day. I worked hard, got real dirty and I think I am going to be sore by tomorrow. But I am very glad for the chance to help. I also think it was good to push myself a bit. I think that sometime I do not push myself physically as much as I should.

So all in all today was good for me on several levels. I got to bless someone with a few hours of hard work. I got to connect with friends and enjoy some fellowship. I also got some exercise. Boy did I get exercise.

“All hard work brings a profit” Proverbs 14:23

So I guess I could say that it has been a profitable day.

Just Connie

Friday, July 10, 2009

Sorting History

Today I sorted through decades of papers. It represented the lifetime of a church congregation. There were piles and piles of papers, reports and papers that are generated in the day in and day out of running a church. It was rather overwhelming. To keep or not to keep? That was the question.

As I leafed through the flotsam, I was rather saddened. I have never closed a church before and I have found it to be a painful process. The pain of the congregation, the differing opinions of what should be done … all of those things have been hard to wade through.

Today was hard in several ways. First it was physically hard. I hauled cases and boxes of financial records in a very hot building. Secondly, I was alone. That means there was no one to offer an opinion or to soften the harsh edges. Thirdly, I did not get completely done. That means I have to go back and finish up next week. Fourthly it was just a sad task.

All in all, I found this to be a very emotionally draining day. Like much of the past 8 months I will just have to tough it out and keep moving ahead. Tomorrow is still a new day. I am thankful for that. I will recharge and refresh and try to meet the new day with optimism and peace.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

How thankful I am for the hope of a new day.

Just Connie

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Choosing Happiness

The dogs and I headed to McMinnville this morning. Both my sheepdog and my little rat dog were due for rabies shots and license renewal. To make matters worse the sheepdog’s bark collar shorted out. I’ve already had a complaint from the neighbor. So that means I needed to go purchase a new collar. So it was a $200 dollar morning before it was all done.

Sigh … the timing could have been better. It is kind of scary to be spending that kind of money right now. I can justify the normal monthly expenses, it is the extra things like this mornings expenditures that begin to make me twitchy. I know that my reserves will be gone very quickly at this rate.

I am still focusing on trying to enjoy this time off and trying to not let myself get nervous. The right job will come at the right time. I do have one potential job that could start in August. But it is not a sure thing. So I will keep looking. In the meantime I will get lots of rest and will enjoy the flexibility this time brings me.

This is truly an odd interlude for me. I have never been so completely free of responsibilities. But I am choosing to stay positive. I think my outlook will have a lot to do with how I handle the uncertainties in my life. I think this verse is a good reminder.

“All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast” Proverbs 15:15

My attitude will determine my happiness. So I am choosing happiness, my choice, my will.

Just Connie

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Boogey Men

As a child I believed in the boogey man. Of course as an adult I have put such childish fears behind me….. well I pretend I have. But in truth there are some things that I fear which have grown into fearsome monsters over the years. Today one of those fears taught me a lesson.

I had a pastor’s meeting today. I was looking forward to meeting the other pastors in the Willamina area. I did not consider what I have come to call the “Nazarene factor”. For a long time I have avoided situations where I would be faced with Nazarene pastors and people who knew me in my former life. To be honest, I was fearful of continued condemnation and just tired of feeling unwarranted shame. Sometimes I went to great lengths to make sure I was not faced with the Nazarene factor.

Today the very first pastor through the doors of the church was a Nazarene pastor and the next two through the door were Nazarene pastors. By that point I told God He had a warped sense of humor. But I forced myself to interact and was pleasantly surprised by their warmth. By the end of the meeting they began telling things they remembered about my time with the Nazarenes. It was positive and humorous and really blessed my heart.

It is a reminder to me that sometimes the things I fear the most are not necessarily real. This boogey man dissipated when faced with the reality of the truth. I am very glad that I was stretched today. I am thankful for the chance to eradicate one of my boogey men. Now if I can just eradicate a few more.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

Just Connie

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Finish Each Day

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." Ralph Waldo Emerson

I like this quote. I think it is one I will return to again and again. It is a reminder to live well each day … to fullest breadth and depth of my capability. It is reminder to embrace the things that are right, that are healthy and help me to grow. It is also a reminder to turn away from the things that discourage me, sap my vision and erode my sense of worth. It points me to tomorrow as an unwritten page. It gives me the strength and hope to approach it with confidence and courage.

This last month is really an unprecedented time in my life. I have the freedom to rethink who I am and what I do. This is an opportunity to look at all my tomorrows. Sometimes to be honest that is kind of scary to me. but I think that it will have positive results.

I do not know where God is going to take me in the days ahead, but I believe that He has good things in store for me. My job is stay focused, stay positive and stay committed. The answers will come, I just need to finish each day.

“Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this” Psalm 37:5

Just Connie

Retreat Day 2

* The internet connection went down last night, this is the post that could not be posted

This has been a team building day. I think it was very good for all of us. It has given us a chance to get to know each other and begin understand the hearts of those we serve with at the church.

I think one of the most valuable things we have done is to just get to know each other. To talk and laugh and tease and then to laugh some more. It will help us begin to trust each other and to learn the skill sets of the other pastors. I am excited to see what God is going to do in the days ahead.

I walked down to the beach this afternoon. It was beautiful and the tide was going out so it gave me a chance to search for agates. That is always entertaining to me. I came back with a couple of nice shells and a pocket full of agates. I also got out in the fresh air and got some good exercise as I climbed back up the 56 stairs down to the beach.

To wrap things up tonight, we were asked our most embarrassing moments in the pastorate. I have not laughed so hard in ages. I still have a smile on my face as I think of the silly moments we shared with each other. It was a wonderful way to wrap up a good day.

It reminds me of how important it is for me to be with people, to laugh and to just grow in the moment I have been given. Today was filled with good moments.

“Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy.” Psalm 126:2

Just Connie

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Love Never Fails

What a full and busy day. This morning was church and then I went home and frantically finished packing and getting the food together for the retreat. Then I sat down on the couch and fell asleep while I was waiting for my ride.

We drove to the beach and laughed and talked like mad all the way over. Just get a bunch of professional communicators together in one place and you will never be able to get a word in. We unpacked, I got the music together and we sang and just enjoyed the music.

After a fabulous dinner, we had a wonderful time of worship together. One of the pastors’ brought her flute and there is a piano, two of us brought guitars. I think tomorrow we will try to just play music together and enjoy each other. It should be lots of fun.

Our big discussion tonight was our philosophy of ministry. I think all of us were in the same line of thinking. “Love never fails”. Our ministry at Willamina is all about building relationships and loving people. It is a great scripture to focus on.

“4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

But as usual it made me stop and think. The scripture keeps going through my mind. Has love failed for Gerrald and I? Did I fail to love as I should? Did I give up too quickly? Is 9 years of alcoholic rages enough fear and turmoil? How many times of being left is enough? Is 6 times enough, or the 7 or 8th I think this is.

In truth, I really do not think love failed us. But I think the alcohol failed us both. I think the alcohol whispered lies and promises that my husband believes. I think that when he drinks he does not have to deal with me or any other problem or stressor. I think there are hurts in his life that alcohol blurs for him. It makes me incredibly sad but I do not see a fix for this. I think the hurt and the damage has gone too far.

But I still think that love is the answer. I still need to receive God’s love, I need to give and express love in healthy and godly ways. Even when I do not feel loved or loving. There is love all around me. I cannot let my grief insulate me … because love never fails.

Just Connie

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Independence Day

What a wonderful day. July 4th in a small town has got to be one of the best celebrations ever. I was invited up to the neighbor’s house for a neighborhood picnic. I only knew one other person there, but it was actually fun to meet new people. It was a very relaxed time and I am glad that I pushed myself a little bit to take part.

I ducked out of the picnic early so I could go to the church and help with the elephant ear booth. Willamina celebrates the 4th in a big way. There is a parade and everything from arm wrestling contests to mud drags. The church raises money for missions by selling elephant ears. It was a lot of fun to pitch in and work hard for 5 hours. I am very glad that I could help, but man oh man are my feet tired. My job was to roll out the dough. I am so greasy and covered with flour. I am past due to hit the shower.

The parade was delightful. There were lots of military units and classic cars and tractors and children. The local VFW had a great presentation. It was everything a small town celebration should be. It had a very homegrown feel and I loved it all.

I came home put a cake in the oven for the pastor’s retreat tomorrow and then ran up the hill to watch fireworks with the neighbors. It was a spectacular display. Lots of “oohs” and “ahs”. I think it was the best I have seen in years.

All in all it was a busy and happy day. I have to admit to a little sadness around the edges as I went through everything by myself. But for the most part I was too busy to think about it. And there are worse things than being by myself. In honor of the 4th and where I am emotionally I offer this verse.

”It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” Galatians 5:1

Freedom has been given, I need to not let the sadness of loss enslave me.

Just Connie

Friday, July 3, 2009

Positive Choices

Summer has come to Willamina. For some people that means sunbathing and gardening. For me, it means that my sheepdog no longer has to have baths in the house! Yeah man! Today was bath day and all it took was a bottle of shampoo and the garden hose. I love the ease and simplicity. I love every part of it. I have to admit that Charlie is not all that fond of it, but then she didn’t much like indoor bathing either.

I have been trying to decide if I am going to walk up to the park for the concert. I had every intention of going, but it is getting harder and harder to convince myself to go. I admit that I really do not want to go by myself. I guess taking the dogs with me does not count as a social engagement.

I am not sure why this feels so uncomfortable to me. I had every intention of attending and I thought it would be a lot of fun. But suddenly the thought of sitting by myself in the midst of so many people … well it seems kind of lonely and sad.

So instead I think I will walk up to the neighbors and see what they are doing. That seems like a positive compromise. It will get me out of the house, will give me a chance to socialize and will be an opportunity to spend time with people I love. I guess it is all about choices.

“then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, …..But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD." Joshua 24:15

God continues to move me ahead, one day and one decision at a time. Positive choices will bring positive changes.

Just Connie

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Walking Ahead

It was a hot summer day … a good day. I think it has even been productive, though you would not know it by looking at my house. I began the day much earlier than I had planned. But the dogs both decided that it was time to be up and about. There is no way that you can sleep through 120 pounds of excited sheepdog jumping up and down on your chest. Not that I didn’t try, it just was not possible.

I started with an early morning 2 hour meeting at the church with my new boss. I am looking forward to working with him. I think he is a talented godly man. I also think there is a reason God has brought a strong ministry team together at Willamina at this point in time. I think there are exciting days ahead for the church. It will be fun to discover fully my role in the days to come.

I was back at the church tonight. I wanted to go over the music for VBS and then we had a Pastor’s cabinet meeting. It is so nice to be part of a group of people that like each other. That are kind, loving and nurturing. It is a blessing and a balm to my heart. I was surprised when they asked me how they could pray for me tonight.

I am amazed at how quickly the days are going by. It has been almost a month since I was let go by the Mission. One day blends into another and I have not accomplished nearly as much as I was hoping I would by this time. But I think I will not focus on what I haven’t done and focus on what I have done in the past month. I have hiked. I have spent time with family and friends. I have slept late and taken naps. I have looked for work. I have gone camping. I have done some yard work and a little house work. I have been ordained and received a new church assignment.

Wow …I guess when I look at it like that I have done a lot in the past month. You know there will probably be just as much or more happening in the month ahead. I think looking ahead is a good thing. It is easier to see where I am going if I am looking ahead. It will probably mean that I have less likelihood of falling on my face if I watching where I am headed. That would be a good thing.

“for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again “Proverbs 24:16

The bottom line is that I do not walk alone. That is enough to give me hope.

Just Connie

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Into the Light

I had a neighbor stop by today while I was working outside. We stood there and chatted for about 10 minutes and he invited me to the 4th of July celebration he was having. I was surprised and blessed that he took the time to say hi and to invite me.

It dawned on me that it is the type of interaction that I never had time for before. I would have been inside the house preparing for the next day or at a meeting or just too tired to bother. It is one of the many small blessings I am finding along the way that are completely unexpected but oh so very welcome.

I really want to take the time to enjoy this time off. I want to spend more time with people, get work done around the house and perhaps do things that I have not had the time or the inclination to do in years.

I guess that a lot of it will be determined by my attitude. Attitude can make this a positive growing time or attitude can make this a miserable time. Sigh … it is so easy to slid into despair … or grief. But I choose to keep fighting against the darkness.

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9

God loves me and calls me out of the darkness, it will be up to me to step into the light. It is time to move forward.

Just Connie