Saturday, November 30, 2013

Struggling and Learning

I have been struggling this past week with a sense of sadness. There are all kinds of reasons ... my past history with Thanksgiving week, my inability to get my new pellet stove working correctly, the cold and congestion I have been fighting for several weeks, and even spending Thanksgiving alone has all contributed to this. Recognizing that there are multiple reasons why I am feeling the way I am feeling reminds me that there is no easy fix.

So I am spending the day resting and letting my body hopefully recuperate I will continue to search my heart as I remember the past and let God continue to bring healing to the wounded places that are left. I will also tackle the issue of my pellet stove in a couple of days, realizing that if I need to I can hire a professional to tell us what is wrong.

So I find myself at the point of once again, allowing myself to "feel the feelings". I will allow them to teach me things I need to learn and keep pointing me to grace and freedom.

There are good things ahead ....

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thanksgiving 2013

Growing up I often felt like I did not fit in. That is not different from most teens, but the reality is that I really did not fit in. I was a country girl in an inner city school. I had fun in school but I did not form close friendships. Instead I knew most everybody and was friendly but not friends.

As an adult I have been surprised at how often I feel that feeling. Sometimes it is my gender, sometimes my profession and sometimes I am not sure what it is that keeps me from really fitting in with those around me.

One of the places I so often feel out place in, is within my own extended family. I do not doubt their love for me. It is  just that I do not fit into family gatherings and life. I have a feeling that some of it is personalities, some of it my life style and probably the fact that I do not often have the time to be with them. I also realize that there are issues growing out of my divorce which still causes discomfort and a lack of trust. I do not like it, but it is there.

With all of that being said, I did not spend Thanksgiving with them today. I spent it at home with the dogs quietly reflecting on all I am thankful for. And I realize that in spite of the difficulties I am thankful for my family. For their love of life and their love of me. I am fortunate in the wonderful upbringing I had and for the way my family draws together for celebrations.

I am thankful for my family and thankful that love is not determined by comfort. They love me and I love them.

Just Connie

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Restoration

Over 25 years ago God began to intertwine my life with the lives of another family. Our two families did everything together. We laughed together, cried together and played together. Those relationships were vitally important to me and to my well-being.

When my husband left, it was a heart rending break in our relationship. For 15 years we had no contact. I not only did not seek information about them, I avoided it because it was so incredibly painful to me. Two years ago, God brought our paths together through Facebook. Little by little we have spent time together, learning about the years apart and getting to know each other again. It has been good to have that gaping wound in my heart healed.

Several weeks ago I was surprised and blessed to see my dear friends when they showed up to surprise me at a church service. We were able to spend several hours together, laughing and talking, talking, talking. It felt so good and so right to have them here.

Just moments ago I got a message from them that they had accepted a call to a church in Grand Ronde ... Grand Ronde! That is minutes away from me! They are going to be here  ... in my area ... with me!

I am excited, I am blessed, but I am also struck by a sense of how God continues to restore what Satan had robbed me of. This friendship that is so important to me, has been given back ... given in a way that we will have frequent contact with each other.

I am already planning the things I want to do ... the places I want to show them. There is so much here and just so much I want to share with them. Just so much .....

I think ... I think they need to take up backpacking!

Just Connie

Monday, November 25, 2013

This is Not Forever

There are so many reasons why God never wanted us to incorporate divorce into our marriages. But yet He knew that when sin enters in and the covenant between husband and wife is broken, sometimes there is no choice. But still it was never what God dreamed for us as husband and wife.

I am often reminded of how incredibly painful divorce is, but never so keenly as around the holidays. First of all, both of my marriages blew up around the holidays. In fact 15 years ago today I was handed a letter and then my husband sailed off to his brand new life. But secondly, the issue of children and celebrating the holidays becomes incredibly messy. Somehow over the years my husband seemed to gain custody of all holidays. I have worked hard to be a good sport and just let the kids do what they want to do. It seems counter productive to manipulate or pressure them into spending time with me when they would rather be somewhere else. But I am finding that some years it is more painful than others.

I have worked hard to try to not sit and mope on the holidays. I strive to make sure that I invite myself to someone's house or go and spend it with my family when I can. Some years it just does not seem to work out that way. It looks like this year is going to be one of those kind of years ... and to be honest that makes me incredibly sad. Sad that I am alone, sad that the kids are not with me, sad that I am not with my family .... just sad.

I am aware that this is not a "forever" feeling. The sadness will pass and life will go on. And I also think there are things I can learn right here at this point of sadness. I am willing to find the lesson in this.

I just wish it was not quite so painful ....

Just Connie

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Wake Up Call

It was 5:00am when I heard the sound that every pet owner dreads ... the sound of a dog throwing up. The sound actually registered seconds too late as I realized that the dog had just thrown up all over me. Every dog in the world tries to find a quiet corner to get sick in, but not my dog. My dog wants her mommy when she is sick. Which explained why I was laying in bed covered in dog barf and trying to not get sick myself.

However, I got out of bed in record time and stripped myself naked and drug the dog outside. Then I showered and scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. Then ... I got to go and strip the bed and begin the long disgusting  process of washing the bedding, the two comforters and everything else.

Since then I have had a long talk with the dog about the inadvisability of barfing on her meal ticket. She has not seemed very impressed so far. I am thinking that perhaps I would rather invite a passing coyote or a pack of wolves to come and sleep with me instead. It surely could not be worse than this?

Could it ....?

Just Connie

Saturday, November 23, 2013

War

My first inkling of a problem was the howling and growling. Rolling over to look at the clock I realized that it was 2:30 in the morning and there was war going on in my backyard. Jumping out of bed I ran to the patio to join my son who was yelling. and trying to  find his dog.

The quick story was that he let his dog out and there were raccoons on the patio ... and the war was on. Over the next 5 minutes we tried to get the dog out from under the deck. But finally he brought in his snarling growling bloody dog.

And then the work began. I grabbed towels and began the long process of trying to determine what was the dog's  blood and what was raccoon blood. But finally things had been cleaned enough to determine that she had puncture wounds in her ears, her neck and her snout. The blood on her legs and body had no wounds and my guess was that it was raccoon blood. As I cleaned the wounds, I also tried to calm down my son who was ready to go and hunt down the raccoons.

The ending was that the dog is going to be okay, the raccoons are gone for now and I discovered it is very hard to go back to sleep after a raccoon war and middle of the night triage.

I am thinking a nap is sounding pretty good today ....

Just Connie

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Surprise!

I was working at my office at the church when a helpful person came and pointed out to me that our recycling bin was sitting across the street and our recycling day was not until next week. Knowing that it would be in the way where it was, I decided to go out and move it. Being a cold blustery day and me a native Oregonian, I of course did not put a coat on and ran out in the wind and the cold to take care of it.

Of course the recycling bin is about the same size that I am and as usual was over-full. I began to take it back across the street to the back of the church when I stopped for a dump truck going by, I was surprised and blessed when he stopped for me to cross the street. I was further surprised when half way across the street, the wind caught the bin  which then flipped on it's side. Papers and cardboard spilled out across the street. Looking at the mess, I immediately realized that this was not going to be a quick or easy fix. Further realizing that I was holding up the driver and the dump truck I waved him  to try to go around me.

As I stood there with papers spilling out across my feet, I suddenly had this picture of what it must look like. Papers flying the wind, hair whipping, shivering, wrestling this monster recycling bin, with  the driver  just shaking his head in amazement. That was when the giggles began.

Laughing, I began trying to push the paper to the side so the truck could get past me as I tried to drag my hair out of my face so I could see what I was doing. I suddenly realized the dump truck had stopped in the middle of the street and the driver was getting out. As he walked up, "He said, "Looks like you need some help". I laughed and thanked him as together we began to pick everything up.

In a few minutes we had the mess cleaned up and he had taken the bin back to the church for me. As I waved goodbye to my new friend,  I was still laughing and somehow it did not seem quite so cold and stormy anymore.

I have a feeling that this was one of those God meetings. It is not how I would have imagined things happening. But don't you love it when God's plan comes together.

But do I always have to be the comic relief .....

Just Connie

Classes

For the last 4 weeks I have been in a series of classes with FEMA and CERT. CERT stands for Community Emergency Response Teams. Basically they are training us to take care of ourselves in the event of a local catastrophe.

The classes have been challenging, eye opening and at times downright scary. I think the two that have really grabbed me, was the Hazardous Materials and the 2 weeks of Triage. The Haz Mat was hard because you really do not think about how many horrible substances are out there. Some on purpose and some by accident. The training films are enough to give you nightmares. But it is all good information.

These last two weeks have been teaching us Triage in mass casualty situations. Last night we practiced what we had been learning. Set around the classroom was slips of paper with a very basic description of the patient, of the visible wounds, respiration, capillary refill and response. You had to sort them into 4 groups. Minor (green) Delayed (Yellow) Immediate (Red) and Deceased (Black). The wounds of course were horrifying but I think it was having to make a decision so quickly and having to move on. The worst was declaring the 6 month old baby dead. It really brings it all home.

So why am I taking the time to do all of this? Well, we live in an isolated area and I know that in a major crisis there is will only be us to help. When the major Subduction Zone earthquake hits that they have been warning us about, I want my community to be able to survive. Also what better way to help people in crisis that to prepare to help them when the world turns upside down?

So over the next four weeks, I will be trained in search and rescue and other things that I will need to know. I will learn everything I can, so I can help in meaningful ways.

And then I will pray that I never have to use this training ....

Just Connie

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Thinking ...

The word friendship can seem rather subjective and hard to define. Kind of like fine Art, "I know what I like". I know when friendship is really there. It brings joy to my heart and a spring to my step.

I realize that as an extrovert I need people to thrive. But there have been times when I did not have the joy of friendships and people to bolster me. For many years my husband's struggle with alcohol isolated me from family and friends. Over the past 5 years I have been slowly rebuilding past friendships and investing in new ones. I have to admit that it has been scary, painful and a blessing to do so.

But I am finding that friendship is worth it. To be invested in the lives of those around me is really a precious gift. It helps me thrive and grow. It also reminds me that I do not stand alone. I have people to watch my back and hold me up when I falter. People that will remind me that God loves me.

A week ago I had friends drop into our church service. I was so stunned to see them and it filled my heart with such joy to have them with me. I found that joy went with me throughout the week as I thought of their surprise visit.

As I have reflected on that visit and the joy it brought me, it fills me with the  desire to bring that same joy to other people. I want my friendship to fill hearts with joy that lasts and sustains them. I have a feeling that will take some more thought  .....

I am thinking .....

Just Connie

Saturday, November 16, 2013

What Was I Thinking

I have been eagerly awaiting my order from Amazon.com. I finally ordered a jewelry armoire to contain the mess I have with my jewelry. It seemed to have everything I needed and the dimensions were right. Yesterday I heard the FED EX truck pull into the driveway and by the time I got to the door the driver was jumping in his truck and leaving. And that is when I saw the box. The armoire which should stand 4 feet tall was in a box about a foot and a half tall. And that is when the thought ran through my mind that perhaps this was not such a good idea.

But I drug the very heavy box in the house and began to cut the packaging away. Squaring my shoulders I pulled out the assembly instructions and began to check off the parts they said should be in the box. And that was the first oh no. There were 6 different size and types of screws and none of them were marked. You had to determine which was which yourself. So after 40 minutes of counting screws and comparing the shape of the head to very poor drawings. I finally had each of them in separate piles and tentatively labeled.

Pulling out my tool box I grabbed my screwdrivers and began to work my way through the instructions. The first few steps went very smoothly which lulled me into a false sense of security. It was on the third step that I began to think that I was totally out of my depth. It was just three little screws that had to be screwed in from the bottom. Which meant that the holes had to be lined up ... just right. Only there was no way to know where the holes were. I worked for about half an hour until my frustration was at a breaking point and then walked away from it. After about 15 minutes I went back and tried again and incredibly one of the holes matched up. Over the next 45 minutes I finally got the other two screw in. Resting my head on the pieces I offered up a quick prayer and moved on to the next piece.

After working on it steadily for an hour I finally put the last piece together and stood back to take a look. It was beautiful and I could not wait to put it in its special spot. That is when the next problem presented. It was really too heavy and too awkward for me to pick up and move. After trying to pick it up several times I sat on the floor in front of it and glared at it for a while. Looking at the cardboard strewn around me, I threw a large piece in front of the armoire and slowly crab walked it onto the cardboard.

Little by little I tugged the armoire into its spot and crab walked it back off the cardboard. Then I began picking of the packaging, cardboard and hundreds of small Styrofoam pieces. It was done and it only took me three hours. Three hours ....

What was I thinking?

Just Connie

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Coughing

After an increasing cough for the last two weeks, I finally broke down and called the doctor. To be honest I was hoping that he would say, "No I do not need to see you." However that was not the case, so in I went.

After listening, poking and prodding he determined that there was no infection (I did not think there was) and my lungs sounded good. On the flip side he wanted to aggressively treat the cough so there would be much less chance of an infection developing. So I came home with 4 new meds to try out.

I have to admit that I am coughing less than I was which is a good feeling. The not so good feeling is the groggy yucky feeling I get from all the meds. But I think the trade off is probably worth it for me. I do not want to end up where I was last year.

So for a change I will be good and do what the doctor tells me. I even came home and slept the meds off this afternoon.

I wonder how long this good behavior can last ....

Friday, November 8, 2013

The Good Life

Art Tour ... it means tourism and people for Willamina. For the church it means extra finances for some of our ministry groups. For me it means running around for  8-10 hours a day.

My day began with breakfast with my Friday morning group. We laughed and chatted as we shared our week's happenings. Of course I had to share the latest mouse story which brought the owner of the Restaurant in to see what we were laughing about and that just made everyone laugh harder.

From there I headed to the Fire Hall to see how they were coping with the artists and changes for the Art Tour. I stayed and chatted with the staff and then made the round with the artists. When I had made the rounds I headed over to the church to see how things were going there. Everyone was well and happy and ready for the tourists. And even better we had baby bunnies at the church. So between helping out I had to sit and play with the bunnies. I kept telling myself that Bubba Bunny really did not need a playmate.

By 11:00 I was down at the Campus to see how things were going there. Then a quick tea date with a friend and then it was time to report to the Chamber of Commerce Tea Room to work. And that is where I spent the next 4 hours, serving tea, clearing tables, washing dishes and cashiering.

By 5:00 I was more than ready to head home and put my feet up. And that is where I still am. Tomorrow will be more of the same. But I am grateful for the chance to serve. Serve at the church and the Tea Room. More and more I think this is what the good life is really all about  .... serving.

I think I am ready for the good life ....

Just Connie

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Mouse Saga

Stepping out of the shower I reached for my towel and that is when "IT" happened ..... a small gray mouse ran over my hand. And that was the moment when my body was hijacked by a shrieking screaming woman. Finding myself naked on top of the half wall that runs around the bathtub, I lunged for a robe as I heard my son burst out of his room. Barely covering myself as he shouldered the door open, he leapt into the room with his guns drawn as he scanned for the axe murderer he was sure was after me. Straightening  up he looked me in the eye and said, "Do not tell me .... no ... you would not have been shrieking because you saw a mouse? And how in the world did you get up there?"

I informed him sternly that the mouse had touched me ... it ran over my hand and was getting ready to leap up and grab me by the throat when my quick responses kept it from being able to kill me. He looked at me with disgust as if alien life was taking me over. About the time I was trying to climb down off the wall with as much dignity as I could muster (being only partially clothed at 6:00 in the morning) my son's dog burst into the room to save me. And that is when the mouse broke from cover. Picture this ... my son and his guns, me perched and partially dressed on the wall yelling and a 75 pound dog that is over tuning everything in the room in her quest to get the mouse.

The good news is that the dog got the mouse, the bad news is that now everything in the bathroom cupboards will have to come out and be washed and scrubbed. The even worse news is that my son would not remove the dead mouse and I actually had to do it.

I swear ... I should advertise for a new son ....

Just Connie

Monday, November 4, 2013

Back in School

Last month I made a big commitment and signed up for CERT classes. That is Community Emergency Response Team, They are classes that are designed to teach the community how to take care of ourselves in case of emergency. I knew that it was a big commitment for me since it was 8 weeks of 3 hour classes. But I decided that it was important enough to take the time for training.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that not only was it the required classroom time, it also required FEMA online courses. But I decided to see it through and get it done. Friday I took my first FEMA final and was thrilled when I passed. Today I took my second FEMA final. I was doing a happy dance when I got the e-mail telling me that I had passed. I am hoping to take my next class sometime this week and get that component taken care of.

Being back in classes has been interesting. It has been  long time since I was taking finals. I was a bit surprised at how nervous I got as I prepared for it. I think it has been good for me. Not only for the knowledge that I am gaining but for the way I can feel it stretching me out of my comfort zone.

So I will continue to buckle down and wade through the classes and see where the path will lead me. I have this underlying feeling that it is important.

Time will tell ....

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Good Intentions

Today I went and did something fun. I have to admit that a big part of me just wanted to stay home and do nothing, but I rouse3d myself out of bed and headed out with them.

It was good to be out with the ladies and good to just relax. I am glad that I pushed myself a little to go and be part of the group. I do not get many opportunities to "not lead" but instead to be a part of the group. And I think it is healthy.

I have a feeling it is one of the things that often gets pushed out when life gets busy. I am hoping to carve out a little more personal time. But to be honest I know that it  is not going to happen this week since Art Tour begins on Friday. And of course my FEMA and CERT classes continue and so on and so forth.

So though my intentions are good, I am thinking that this week will be very full and busy. So I guess that it is actually rather normal.

How did this become my norm ...

Just Connie

Friday, November 1, 2013

Harvest Carnival 2013

For the last two weeks we have been gearing up for one of our biggest events of the year. Our annual Harvest carnival. We typically have between 300-500 people come through for games, food and a whole lot of fun.

Yesterday was the big day and when the doors were opened at 5:00 there were people lined up waiting. Over the next 2 hours about 400 people came through the church. It is always such a blessing to me to see so many happy, laughing filling the church.

It is an amazing amount of work but it brings amazing and unexpected dividends. It brings people into the church who normally would never come. It builds relationships as the walls of the church are removed to minister to the community. It reminds us that real ministry happens when we take the walls down.

I am thankful for last night. For the hard work, for the blessings and for all of the people who sacrificed to make it happen.

And I am glad that for now it is done ....

Just Connie