Life in a Minor Key

I have to say that I have been surprised and at times dismayed over the sadness I am feeling over the loss of Charlie my 10 year old sheepdog. It has brought a sadness that seems to permeate my daily life. I told a friend that I feel like I am singing a song in a minor key. There is a dissonance in the chords that is not always easy to listen to.

As I have pondered that statement today, I was reminded that I have often chosen to sing songs in a minor key. There seems to be a reflectiveness or an expression of emotion in the minor that often just seems to fit.

So today I acknowledge that for now the chords of my life are playing in a minor key ... and that is okay. There is beauty in these notes if I am brave enough to listen.

Just Connie

Sadness

I am fighting sadness. I keep trying to hold it at arms length ... but I can feel the long tendrils slipping into my daily life, stripping me of drive, energy and the optimism that usually frames my day. I do not like it, I do not want it here, but yet here it is.

So the question is, what do I do now? I can recognize that I have had a loss, but somehow I think I have the expectation that I will do better, be "more adult", be more together than this. I can even recognize that those expectations  are not healthy, but they seem to keep cropping up.

So I will strive to do what I tell other to do .... I will allow it to be what it is. That means instead of fighting the sadness, I need to fight my false expectations.

I am sad .... and I guess that is an appropriate response to the loss of my companion and friend.

Just Connie

Concert

There was a concert tonight at the church. It was a fundraising concert for the kitchen upgrades for the community kitchen. The music was fabulous. I so enjoyed it! It is rare for me to get to sit and enjoy music. There was an accapella group who did a large part of the concert. They were soooo good.

There is something about great music and good friends that really raises my spirits. It was the perfect way to end a sad and difficult week. I am feeling more at peace and not nearly so tired as I have been. This is a great way to wrap up my Saturday.

Now, I am ready for worship tomorrow.

Just Connie

Thinking ...

I am thinking that I am tired and headachy and have been dragging all week. I know that it is the fall out of losing Charlie. But that has not made it easier. I feel like I am trying to swim through Jello. No drive, no energy and just an overwhelming tiredness, overlaid with sadness.

So I will take tomorrow to rest, reflect and hope that it will help restore me to normal. Normal would be a good thing .....

Just Connie

Charlie Thoughts

I stroked Charlie's head in my lap as I listened to the vet. This time there was no magical reprieve. The decision I had been dreading for the past year was here. As I stroked her head I thought back over the past 10 years with her.

I remembered her as a fuzzy puppy that filled my face with puppy kisses. I remembered the gangly stage that also accompanied her chewing phase. She did not chew slippers, she chewed the side of the house and the deck. I remembered long nights when I was sick and she tenderly curled up around me. When I started hiking she would patiently pull me up the hard spots and let me lean on her when I was tired. She was a faithful companion to me and always willing to head out to the next adventure. She did things most dogs would not, she crossed logs over rivers, climbed mountains with me and even traversed swaying suspension bridges. I remembered how every spring she would begin excavating the back yard and how sad I was when she did not this year

I remembered this amazingly gentle giant who I could leave with my 100 year old grandmother and not worry about Grammies getting bumped or jostled. Her placid disposition even ran to letting the bunny groom her and even letting Hope Puppy nurse.

In the end those memories helped me to make the decision. I did not want my selfish need of her  to cause her to suffer anymore. Tearfully, I held her while she quietly took her last breaths. And though this hurts, I am so very thankful for everything she has brought me over the years. Her faithfulness, her unceasing companionship and the unconditional love she showered me with does not fade away with her life. It lives on in me, reminding me that God loves me and I am never alone.

Just Connie

Charlotte Anne

 Charlotte Anne aka "Charlie"

February 14, 2001 - August 22, 2011

Church Picnic 2011

Today was the Church Picnic. It was fun, wonderful and totally delightful. We had a good turn out and lots of food. That always makes for a good day. But for me the highlight is always the baptismal service. This year we had 4 people who wanted to be baptized. The singing, the testimonies and the shockingly cold water is just so uplifting.

Another highlight for me this year was in just sitting around and talking to people. I so enjoy the time to spend with others. No agenda, no plans just fellowshipping together. We laughed and laughed and laughed.

So now it is the cool of the evening, the breeze is blowing and I am pleasantly tired. yes .... it was a very good day.

Just Connie

Summer Swim

Summer has arrived and today we finally made it to over 90. I spent the day cooking for tomorrow's Church Picnic and by late afternoon the house was HOT! So I packed dinner and the dogs and we headed to the picnic grounds.

The dogs had a wonderful time running and exploring. Hope Puppy learned the joys of swimming in the creek. I even joined her for a nice cold swim.

She made me laugh out loud with her unbridled enthusiasm for the game. Of course we made a muddy mess of the swimming hole ... but it was so much fun.
So now ..... time will tell if this is a skill that should have gone unlearned. it is possible that I have created a water monster

A Good And Tiring Day

I am tired!  It has been a wonderful summer day. It began with a morning trip to the beach with a friend. We wandered around shops and then went to Mo's for lunch. That is always a choice guarantee to make me happy.

I came home and got a long nap in and then packed up a bag and headed out to work on the property that we are having the church picnic at. There was brush to cut and haul. Two of the neighbors came to help and we spent a wonderful evening working together. Kits of fresh air, the sound of the creek and the smell of cut hay.

At dusk we headed to the neighbors house and they fixed a quick bite to eat for us. We munched on home made bread and enjoyed the satisfaction of a job well done.

Now I am home, tired but very satisfied. It has been a day of friends and laughter and hard work. That is a pretty good day.

Just Connie

New Project

I have taken on a new project recently. I am writing a bible column for our local newspaper. I love to write and I am really enjoying this. My tendency is to write from my life and experiences. The result is often humorous, sometimes searching and usually not what you expect from a Bible Column. Or perhaps I should say, it is not your grandmother's Bible Column.

I found that I was a bit nervous to see what the feedback was for the first column. But I was very pleased to get positive feedback from the church and the community. That was a good feeling that I could get used to ... or I would like to get used to.

Today I sent off the 2nd column. It is a bit outrageous but I think it is pretty good. I hope it is pretty good. I guess time will tell.

Just Connie

The Joy of Friendships

For me, friendships are an important part of my overall health. There have been times in my life when I did not have many friends and in those time I have always struggled to find peace and to enjoy life fully. The isolation that it has brought has not lead to freedom and joy.

Over the past few years I have made a purposeful choice to develop friendships. Not just acquaintances, but friendships that are deep and rich. I have to say that the decision to make meaningful friendships has not always been easy. Sometimes I have feared rejection and at times that has hindered me. It has also meant extra time and energy because it takes both to invest yourself in people lives.

But the results of that decision has been so worth it. Besides a sense of emotional well being, it has brought me visitors, phone calls and such richness to a time of my life that could be very lonely. These last few days of being with friends has reminded of just how important this is in my life. It is the encouragement that I need to keep building, keep giving and to keep loving the people around me. And I have a feeling that the best is yet to come.

Just Connie

A friend is Coming

I am waiting for a friend to arrive. I have not seen her in over 12 years. We chat almost everyday on Facebook, but have not seen each other. So today is the day ... I get to see her.

While I have been waiting for her, I am remembering our shared past. Her husband was pastoring a church in Central Oregon and I was pastoring a church in inner SE Portland. Both churches had very active compassionate ministries going. When the pastors came together I always made sure to spend time with them. They were a lot of fun to be with.

Time and circumstances drew us apart for many years but with the coming of Facebook we reconnected. Over the past two years we have shared tears, joy and life in general. She has been a great encourager and support when life gets messy and hard.

So tonight we get to spend a few hours together and enjoy this very rare time together.

Just Connie

Quiet Day

A quiet day ..... those are nice to have once in a while. Today has been one of those rare quiet days. I actually got some good study time in this morning and actually got most of my sermon done for Sunday.  I got  a couple of visits squeezed in, I bathed the sheepdog which is always a BIG chore, I went to the gym with friends. Now the dogs and I are curled up on the couch watching TV and enjoying the breeze.

I appreciate these evenings. I think I could handle a few more of them this week. Yep .... I think I could ...

Just Connie

Purity; Love in Action

1 Peter 1:22-25
22 Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart. 23 For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. 24 For,



“All people are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;
the grass withers and the flowers fall, 25 but the word of the Lord endures forever.”
And this is the word that was preached to you.


 

We live in a culture that does not value purity, but yet as Christians we are called to something different;

1. The need to be purified
“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” Romans 3:23


2. Purification comes from obeying the truth
31 To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. 32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31


3. The results of a purified heart...Love grows from a purified heart

The proof of a purified heart is love. Purity only comes from an obedient, submitted heart. It is not from following rules, it is in following Christ.

If I am struggling to love people as God calls me to, then I need go back and look at my obedience. Do I trust God enough to obey ….

Thought For Today

Obedient steps grow loving actions

Old Friends

I spent some time with old friends today. I guess it would be more gracious to say that I spent time with friends that I have had for a long time. Though I have to say that all of us have more gray than we did 25 years ago.

There is something wonderful in being with people that you have history with, that have walked with you through the good times and the bad times. It was wonderful to get caught up with them and hear about what has happened in their lives in the last 10 years.

Tonight I am still warmed by the joy of my time with them. I am so thankful for friends, for the joy of shared lives and the love that binds us all together.

Just Connie

Hard To Be Alone

Sometimes it is hard to be alone. I have gotten pretty good at just allowing it to be what it is. I come early to events and force myself to circulate and talk to people. But every once in a while there are those times that I feel very much alone, alone, alone.

Yesterday was one of those times. I went to camp meeting alone. I drove for an hour to get there, sat alone and left alone for the hour long drive home. There were people that I chatted with, but most were in family groups. I felt very alone.

The reality is that I am alone and I need to come to terms with it. Most of the times I do fairly well, but there are those times when the loneliness comes in unexpected moments and unexpected ways. It comes in a flood so intense that it brings tears to my eyes.

So tonight I am reflecting on the loneliness and I am striving to let it teach me, not defeat me. There are things to learn here.

Just Connie

Sufficient For This

A pastor is often called on when making end of life decisions. Today I sat with a family as the doctor told them the cancer was not curable. I wanted to scream and shout and cry. I wanted to lay my head down and weep. But I did not ... I did the pastoral thing. I listened, I asked questions and I showered as much love as I could on this family that I love.

As I drove home from the hospital  ... I cried and then I marveled at God's timing that brought me to the hospital in time to be there for this news and to meet with hospice. It still fills me with awe as I consider God's loving kindness as He weaves our lives together.

God is sufficient for even this, I believe this with every fiber of my being. I know that the same God that brought me at the right time to the hospital with be with us every step of this journey as well.

Just Connie

Grooming Thoughts

I went out and played horse groomer today. I wanted to spend some time with a friend so I headed out to the ranch this morning after my Chamber of Commerce meeting. You could not have asked for a better day to get out and enjoy the ponies.

As we brushed and combed we talked and just enjoyed being with each other. It is a rare treat as a pastor to spend time with my congregation outside of the walls of the church. it is good for me and I think good for them as well. I always enjoy spending time with the horses, it is healing and refreshing to me.

So this morning I worked hard, spent time with a friend and enjoyed some of my horsey friends. In other words .... it was a very good day indeed.

Just Connie

Blueberry Evening

I went blueberry picking tonight. I packed up my buckets and Hope Puppy and I headed out to the farm of one of my parishioners. It was a beautiful evening, soft and warm and the kind of summer evening you always remember, I picked a bucket and of course they brought me other treats to take home. fresh produce right out of the garden, fresh loganberries and even a mess of green beans.

After stowing my berries and produce, I headed down to the creek to take a look at the the preparations for the church picnic and baptism in a couple of weeks. They had dug out the creek nice and deep. I will probably head out there in a couple of days and put in a couple of hours cleaning up the baptismal area.

I am continually amazed and blessed by the wonderful community I pastor. The beauty that is everywhere around me and just the abundant glory of creation. I love this country and I love these people. This is truly the best place in the world to minister.

Just Connie

It's a Night

I have a half finished sermon, a half cleaned house and the end of my energy and drive. I think the very busy weekend has officially caught up with me. Everything in me tells me I am now done for the day. I just caught myself dosing on the couch.

So even though there is still a lot of things I could be doing, I am going to listen to this tired body and call it a night.

Yes...... it is a night.

Just Connie

Sunday Thoughts

It has been a great day. I have had a young ministerial student staying with me this weekend. She even preached this morning and she did a wonderful job. We came home and had a great lunch and then we kicked back and read for a couple of hours. Then we hopped in the car and drove to Niagra Falls.

I love Niagra Falls. It is two really nice waterfalls that you almost have to be a local to find. But we found our way in and hiked the couple of miles to the falls. The water level was very low but it was still beautiful.

There is something so incredibly uplifting about being out in the fresh air and the beauty that just refreshes and restores me.

Good company, great conversations and a beautiful destination. That sounds like a perfect afternoon to me.









Just Connie

Messed Up

I messed up. I did not know that I was messing up ... but I was messing up.I have to say that I am surprised. I thought  I was doing something loving and supportive and yet it was perceived  so completely different by the recipient.

I do not know how I can miss the boat so completely and totally. I am a professional communicator, I should not be having this problem. And yet I am .... and it hurts. I am disappointed in myself, this is the worst kind of failure because it has distressed someone else.

I do not like this feeling ..... no, I do not like it at all.

Just Connie

Freezer Thoughts

Long, long day .... sigh. It began yesterday when I opened my freezer to find that there had been a sudden ice build up and the door would not shut. So today I drug out the coolers and defrosted the freezer. After hours of scraping and frostbite I wiped it down, loaded it back up and plugged it in. With a feeling of satisfaction I closed the door and .... it would not seal. Being a confident totally together woman, I ran my hand over the seal made sure nothing was blocking it and with growing dismay I realized that it was not a simple fix. That was when I sat down and cried.

It is these kind of things that seem so overwhelming to me. I do not have the money for a new freezer and the old one is most probably not worth fixing. Even if I did buy a new one, I have no way to transport it, unload it, etc. I don't have a way to dispose of the old one ... it just all piles up into a totally overwhelming mess.

So now I have heavy things piled against the freezer door trying to keep it shut and I realize that I will have address this issue or I will lose everything in my freezer.

Sigh .....

Just Connie

Everyday Things

I am tired tonight. It has been a long day, but a good day. I have studied, cleaned, organized, solved problems, did visitation, chaired a meeting and squeezed in a host of other normal activities. There is joy to be found in the process of a normal day. Nothing spectacular happened, but yet everyday ministry is full of wonderful things.

I am thankful tonight for the joy of everyday things. I have a feeling that it is the building blocks for a contented life. And that is a step in the right direction.

Just Connie

The Ministry Path

The call to ministry for many women is filled with struggle and heartache. The stories I hear often fill me with sadness. Many women on the path to ministry find it difficult to be accepted, find it difficult to find a place of ministry and find it difficult to fulfill the call on their lives.

There seems to be something about the issue of women in ministry that seem to set people on edge. Over the years even total strangers have felt the need to tell me what they feel about my call to ministry. Over the years I have become fairly adept at facing this prejudice without rancor or anger.

Today I met with a friend who is a female clergy with another denomination. As we spoke I was reminded of the hard convoluted path that so many of my female colleagues tread as they head towards ordination and ministry. It is very easy to become angry and defensive in the struggle.

However the reality is that it is not my job to defend my call. It is God's job to defend His call on my life. My job is to follow the call to the best of my ability.

I think that for all women in ministry that we must come to the point where we stop defending ourselves and we just serve. Because the glory of ministry is that it is not about us .... it is about Christ.

And that is enough ....

Just Connie

Housework

I am buried in housework. It might be more accurate to say that I am buried by undone housework. Things have been so busy that I have not given as much attention to the house as I usually do and it is beginning to show. I walked in after a full day of work today and just sighed.

However the fact is that all my sighing will not clean this house. I will have to just "get er done". That means prying my carcass off the couch and doing it. That sounds so easy and yet tonight it sounds sooooo very hard.

Perhaps I will begin tomorrow.....

Just Connie