Lonely Thoughts

Loneliness is a strange thing. It can come over you at the strangest times. Tonight it hit me as I walked into the house. Hope Puppy was leaping and jumping around me and yet the house felt so very, very empty.

I am learning that living alone means that loneliness is part of my life. It is there in crowded rooms and in still houses. It is there when I roll over in the middle of the night and search for someone who is not there. It is there when I realize that I am avoiding couples based activities.

So the question is ... if loneliness is part of my life what do I do with that? Or perhaps a better question might be .... is loneliness a bad thing? I have a feeling it is a natural outcome of being alone. Loneliness is not the end, it is just part of the process.

But I find that I do not want to remain submerged in this feeling so I am striving to do things that are healthy for me. I am choosing to fill my days with people and projects. I am sleeping with Hope Puppy and hugging her tight during long nights. And I am facing the reality of where I am and that means feeling the feelings that I feel. Tonight .... I am feeling lonely.

Just Connie

Busy Day

I am tired. I headed to Portland first thing this Morning for a pastors meeting. On my way up I got the news that a former parishioner was in the hospital. So I was making phone calls and trying to get info while I was traveling. By the time I got out of the meeting it was time to fly back to Willamina to officiate a wedding. As soon as the wedding wrapped up it was time to get ready for the church board meeting.

Now the meetings are over and I am home. it has been a full day. I have met with other pastors and the superintendent, I have counseled and officiated and chaired a meeting. I am tired. I am so ready to head to bed and to have a slower day tomorrow.

Yep ... bed is sounding better all the time ....

Just Connie

Writing Day 2

A second day spent writing like mad. It often seems to fall like that. I got my column for the paper turned in, the newsletter written and run off, all the board reports run and collated. I went to two meetings and even got the old flowers hauled out of the sanctuary so it is ready for tomorrows wedding. In between I made a bank run, gave out a food box, had a counseling session and wrapped up with dinner with another minister.

Tomorrow I will head to Portland for a Pastors meeting. Then I will rush back to Willamina to officiate a wedding and then chair the Church board meeting. it will be a busy, busy day.

Some weeks seem to run like this, go ... go ... go! It is not a bad thing, but I am always concerned that something will fall through the cracks. There is not much time to sit and think about. But I will keep forging ahead.

But for now I will sit with my feet on the coffee table and enjoy a couple of hours throwing the ball for Hope Puppy and some mindless TV. At this point that sounds very good to me.

Just Connie

Writing Day

I've been writing today. I had a paper to write, a column was due for the newspaper, minutes to prepare from last weeks meetings and a newsletter to finish. So I have been writing and proofing all day. By late afternoon I found myself struggling to find anything worthwhile to write. The words were just not coming.

Sighing I shrugged my stiff shoulders and headed to the piano. For 20 minutes I played and let the music wash over me. Slowly I could feel the tenseness flowing out of me. It was with a feeling of peace that I headed back to my desk and finished up my column.

I did not get everything done today that I had hoped to do, but I got quite a bit done. Tomorrow is another day and I will try to get it all finished up. At least that is the plan.

We will se if the plan lasts longer than the first battle.

Just Connie

Study Day

In my mind my sermon and study day is full of soft music, a stack of reference books and hours of prayer and quiet contemplation. In reality it usually turns out somewhat different than that.

This morning as I began looking up scripture, Hope Puppy lay under my desk chewing on her squeak ball sqeeeeeeek ... sqeeeeeeek .... sqeeeeeeek. Every once in a while she would hopefully drop the wet slimy ball on my lap. By the time I was beginning to tune out the distractions, my volunteer secretary came in with the list of phone messages. Putting those aside I applied myself to the scripture at hand and put some soft music on. That was about the time the first of the drop in visitors began to come by.

As each visitor left I tried to pick up the threads of my study and sermon preparation once again. Little by little between interruptions the sermon began to develop. By the time I left the office, the sermon was done and printed. The sermon outline had been sent to my sound guys for projection and to the secretary for the bulletin.

Somehow my study day is never quite like I think it should be, but yet God manages to speak to me, in the midst of the squeaky ball, the interruptions and the problems. I rather think that the interruptions might be just as important as the quiet contemplation I plan.

How come they don't teach us that in seminary.

Just Connie

Productive Day

I slept in this morning and have spent the rest of the day trying to catch up. Now the roofing debris is picked up, I harvested the garlic and cut wood with the fellas. Now I am sitting in the family room with my feet on the coffee table. Enjoying the evening breeze while I watch Science Fiction movies. The only thing that would make this evening better I if I had company. But this is right next to perfect.

This is a great way to end a busy week. I feel like I have been productive today and that is always a good feeling. I think that it just might be time to get up and pop some popcorn ... yep that would be the perfect end to the evening.

Just Connie

Alumni Dinner

Last night I had dinner with 500 alumni of Roosevelt High School in Portland. I had mixed feelings about going. I am always afraid that I will feel like an outsider, that I will not have people to talk to ... that I will not know anyone. Every reunion event I have gone too that has not been true but still those fears crawl out of the woodwork.

Instead of my fears coming true, I shared a table with good friends and my choir teacher. I had good conversation, felt welcomed and saw some people I had not seen in years. All in all it was a wonderful evening.

It is curious at how hard things like this are to go to alone. My fear of this event almost kept me from attending. It just seemed too hard, too scary and too difficult. I guess this was a reminder that some of the things that are the best for me are actually the ones that are hardest to make myself do.

So one more hard thing tackled and gained from ..... on to the next one.

Just Connie

Rehearsal Thoughts

I like to sing. I have always liked to sing. I sing loud and long and often. But over the past 10 years I have not had much chance to sing choral work. I have missed it but there is just not much opportunity during this phase of my life.

Tonight I met with a group led by my high school choral director. It was an alumni choir made up of graduates of Roosevelt High School. There were all ages there, though at this rehearsal I was one of the youngest. Which is surprising given my advancing age.

I have to say that was rather nervous. Nervous about not knowing anyone and nervous about not singing well. But the rehearsal went very well. There was even a couple of people that went to school during my years and actually remembered me. One of the girls recognized me as soon as I walked in the door and said that I had not changed at all. She did not look blind but I have a feeling her eyesight might be impaired or she was just very kind.

I enjoyed being stretched and challenged tonight. I will really enjoy singing with this group tomorrow. I found out that there will be over 500 people at this dinner. That is rather amazing. All years of classes together. I am not sure what to expect but I have a feeling that it will go pretty well. I loved my high school years and I think I will enjoy supporting the school and seeing a few people that I know.

But that is tomorrow, tonight I am humming the music and enjoying running through it in my mind.

Just Connie

Nervous Thoughts

Busy, busy week. I am playing catch up from my backpacking trip. That means there is a lot to fit in a very short period of time. But my sermon is done for Sunday, my Sunday School lesson is done, I have prepared the minutes for tomorrow's meeting and I have worked through my list of phone calls.

Tomorrow following the Chamber of Commerce meeting I will head to Burlington. I am going to sing at an Alumni function. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I always have a good time when I force myself to go, to Alumni functions but I am always afraid that I will not know anyone and there will be no one to talk to. This will probably be good for me. .... sigh why is it that the things that are good for us are the hardest things to do?

So tomorrow I will stretch myself.... right now the nervous is outweighing the exctied, STretching is good for me right?

Just Connie

Pastoral Thoughts

I love being a pastor. It is a privilege to share my life's journey with others. But I have to say that sometimes the journey is difficult. Recently I spent time with a parishioner with terminal cancer whose days were getting short on this earth. As I laughed and cried with him we planned his memorial, spoke of his family and he shared the things in life that were truly important to him. It was an incredible privilege to spend those moments with him ... but yet oh so hard.

When the call came in the early morning hours that he had stepped into glory I was glad for his release but oh so sad for me, for his family ... for the church. There is so much we will miss about him. But even in the sadness I recognize that there is so much that he has added to our lives.

Today we celebrated his life. We shared stories, we laughed, we cried and we recognized this incredible man and the life he lived.  I came from that service knowing that we were fortunate to share our lives, honored to have the privilege to minister to the family and sad for the loss that will become even more apparent in the days ahead.

And that loss hurts .....

Just Connie

Aventure

I need adventure in my life. I learned that as a teenager. I was happier when I was incorporating trips into the woods, climbing to the tops of trees and building jumps for my motorcycle. That need for adventure is still there. There is a ringing rightness when I find myself doing something that few people get the opportunity to do.

My recent backpacking trip fulfilled my sense of adventure in a big way. First of all we headed to the back country that not many people get to see. We also had the chance to head off the beaten path and see a beautiful waterfall. it was about 50 feet tall. That is so tall I could not get all of it in one picture.

We climbed to the top of the falls and watched the water plummet over the edge. Then we walked up the river and watched the springs bubbling up in the middle of the stream bed. I was struck by a sense of wonder as I watched the beauty all around me.

We crossed on logs high over rushing streams and climbed sheer rocky precipices and looked out over misty vistas. I swam in an icy lake with the mountain looming over me while Hope puppy swam alongside me.

This trip has fulfilled my need for adventure ... at least for now. I wonder where my next adventure will take me.

Just Connie

Hope Puppy Thoughts

Hope Puppy made a faithful and interesting hiking partner during my backpacking trip. She stayed close to me all the time. Well except on the trip back down when she kept disappearing with Billy. I called her a Benedict Arnold but that did not seem to bother her at all as she ran down the trail with her new friend. But most of the time she was close at hand. I never had to worry about her wandering off or going to explore.

I also had fun teaching her some new skills. She was a champ and learned to cross the rivers on logs and carried a pack filled with all her own supplies.

She went swimming in the lake for the first time. She was having a blast chasing her ball as we splashed in waist deep water, then I headed out to deep water and she got anxious. She kept trying to herd me back to shore. But I would wrap my arms around her and let her take a breather and then launch her towards the shore. She would only stay on shore for a little while until she swam back out to me to try to herd me in a little closer.

I came out of this trip with a deep appreciation for this dog. She works hard, is unfailingly cheerful and is willing to learn new things. I am so thankful for her, but I am also challenged. Challenged to put those qualities I see in her to work in my own life.

Yes .... I think being more like my dog just might be a very good thing.

Just Connie

Backpacking 2011

What a great trip! What a challenging trip. We unloaded, strapped on our packs and headed up the mountain. It was a mostly gentle, steady incline. The sun was hot and I could feel the sweat trickling down my back.



As I climbed I began to feel ... well downright bad. My head hurt, I was nauseous, every step was agony. About halfway up we sat down for a break, and that is when I began throwing up. Now that makes for a pleasant hiking partner. Embarrassed and shaky, they finally had me lay down for a while. I took a short nap curled on my sleeping bag under the trees. I woke up to the forest service rangers checking on me to make sure they did not need to shlep me back down the mountain. Embarrassed but feeling better. I put my pack back on and headed up the trail.

 The views just kept getting better and better the higher I climbed. I tried to keep my mind on the views and not on my aching, miserable body. We crossed streams while balanced on logs high above the rushing water and clambered up rocks. But at long last we saw the lake glinting through the trees. I do not know when I have been so relieved to see the end in sight.

We found a lovely spot right on the lake to set up camp. So over the next couple of days we hiked, swam and enjoyed incredible views that very few people get to see. I also had the joy of watching Hope Puppy learn some new skills. She learned to carry her packs, cross on a log over the stream and to swim in the lake with me.

All in all it was a good trip, even with me getting sick on the way up. Next time I will take it slower and allow myself to acclimate to the altitude. It was a good trip .... and it was a trip that was good for me.

I guess you cannot ask for more than that.

Just Connie

I am in a flurry of packing .... packing and repacking. Tomorrow I leave on my backpacking trip. I am trying to get the weight down on my backpack. I think it would be easier to hire a Sherpa,  bu since that is probably not a possibility, I will keep trying to  reduce this massive pile of stuff.

I have not been backpacking in three years and I am very excited but also a little nervous. I want to be able to keep up, I want this to be fun, I do not want to freeze at night. So the very smart thing I am doing is taking Hope Puppy with me, She will be my portable heating unit at night.

So in just a few hours I will be off to the mountains, but for now I will continue to pack and reduce. Sigh ... wonder if I can find a Sherpa at this short a notice?

Just Connie

Surprise Visitors

I stood with disbelief as I tried to make sense of the face at my door. With shaking hands I opened the door to my former mother-in-law. She lives in Texas and I have not seen here in years. I have not even heard from them in almost a year. But here she was. She and her husband were taking a flying trip through town and decided to stop and see me.

For the next 30 minutes we talked and laughed and cried and then finally approached the subject we had been avoiding. Did we know where Gerrald was? Did we think he was okay? How long since anyone heard from him. With tears I realized that no one has heard from him and we do not know where he is.

I hugged and kissed them and sent them on their way and since then  I have been sitting here with a heavy heart. I am so saddened by Gerrald's choice to drink. I am saddened at the incredible waste of his gifts and abilities. I grieve over his isolation and loneliness and the struggles he must face. And I fear that something will happen to him and we will never know it.

So tonight I feel sad ... sad for Gerrald, sad for me and the losses that his choice to drink brought to my life. Tonight I remember .....

Just Connie

Family Thoughts

I live a couple of hours away from my family. I do not get to see them very often. I love my family. I have a large, intense and gregarious family and extended family. I speak with my mother most days but it is a very special day when I get to actually see them. When I found out my cousin from North Dakota was coming into town, I began to rearrange my schedule so I could see her while she is in Oregon.


So tomorrow I will head to my hometown of Burlington and spend a couple of days with my mom and dad and of course my cousin that I love so much. We will talk and laugh and talk some more. I cannot imagine a better way to spend the next two days.

I can hardly wait .....

Just Connie

Camp Out

I just spent the last weekend camping out. I love being outside it is very restful and restorative to me. It was also the perfect time to double check my equipment for the upcoming backpack trip.

Memorable moments from the camp out:

• Watching Hope Puppy swim
• Good conversation
• Moon dancing in the meadow
• The sunrise over the meadow
• The bats swirling and dipping at dusk

I am glad I went to the exdtra effort to make this happen it was good for me.

Just Connie

Camp Out

I decided to do something to break away from the routine so I am packing up Hope Puppy and heading out to do some camping. I am looking forward to being away from phones and frenetic activity for a while. I am also planning on doing some reading, sleeping and reflecting while I enjoy the quietness of the great outdoors.

I think this will be the perfect time to just  double check that I am well, that my faith is fresh and that I can see clearly the path set before me.

Yes .... this will be a good time for me.

Just Connie