2012 Reflection

New Year's Eve ... how did it get here so quickly? This is always a time of introspection for me. Not only is it the end of the old year and the cusp of a brand new year but I am approaching the anniversary of when life changed for me.

It was almost 4 years ago I frantically threw what I could get to in a bag and quietly crept out of the house in the middle of the night. I remember being gripped by fear that my husband would awaken from his drunken stupor and catch me before I could get out of the house. I remember the sobs that tried to keep in as I realized that my life had suddenly changed. I remember .....

And in that remembering, I sorrow for what was lost in my husband's choice for alcohol. I sorrow ... but yet I rejoice in what God has done in the last 4 years. He has brought new life, joy and freedom. To live without fear is a precious gift and I never want to take it for granted.

So tonight as I remember and reflect I acknowledge the grace and power of God. I am filled with overwhelming thankfulness for his love and restoration.

And that is a pretty good way to start a new year ....

Just Connie

This Too Shall ...

How I wish that I would get my energy back. I am tired ... tired ... tired. We had a great service this morning, Wonderful discussion in Sunday School class and then a powerful worship service. That usually really energizes me. But today I drug home exhausted.

I have spent the afternoon sleeping on the couch, knowing that there is a lot of work that I should be doing. But yet I just did not have any energy at left to get anything done.

I know it is a probably an outcome of the asthma and long illness, but I am so ready to get back to normal life. At least the norm for my life.

So I guess I will continue to try to get lots of rest and let my body heal. I keep reminding myself that ... this too shall pass.

This too shall pass .... right?

Just Connie

Complainers

Complainers ... they seem to be all around me at times. The thing I notice is that most complainers do not want to be part of the solution, they just want to complain about what they do not like. I find that frustrating in my own life.

But tonight I am really discouraged ... because the complainers did not  just come to me, they fastened on to someone I care about. Someone who was ministering in a difficult position and doing the best they could. The weight of the complaints finally reached the breaking point and now she is stepping out of the position she has been filling. That means there not only is no one to do this incredibly important job.

I am angry for the thoughtless complaints that have hurt someone who just doing their best. Angry for the damage this has done to not only my friend but the damage to the ministry of the church as well.

I just wish those who have emotionally stomped up and down until it broke would actually be willing to now fix the mess they have made. But the reality is that they will not ... they will probably complain that there is no one to do the work now.

Complaining .... about the complainers ... somehow that does not seem quite right.

Huh ....

Just Connie

Life Thoughts

Sometimes I get frustrated. Tonight is one of those nights. I can feel my frustration simmering. I would love to say that as a pastor I never struggle with this issue ... but I do. So now the question is what do I do with it? I am not willing to nurture this feeling. I am ready for it to go away.

So I will start with forgiving those that have stressed me tonight.  I will also remind myself that I am a work in process and these feelings are not wrong. They are here to tell me things and I need to listen. Then I will lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. because He has everything I need tonight.

This is life ... even for a pastor ... especially for a pastor. And this is not a bad thing. Anything that draws me to the feet of Jesus is a very good thing.

Just Connie

Christmas Day

I have to admit that on Christmas I struggle with a sense of loneliness.  I miss having family around me and I often feel on the outside of things. To combat that and in the effort to make healthy choices for myself several years ago I began a couple of new traditions.

One of them is I go up to mom and dad's on Christmas Eve and spend the night with them. Before I go to bed, I fill the Christmas stockings with gifts and candy. Early Christmas morning I bring the stockings into mom and dads room and we open the gifts and laugh and just enjoy being with each other. This year Hope Puppy was so thrilled with the new ball that mom got her and she spent the morning dropping her slobbery ball in the middle of our candy and presents. And that just made us laugh harder.

The other tradition I began is to serve at our big community dinner.This year I ran for 5 hours serving meals and just trying to share Christmas cheer to everyone that came. This year it looks like we served over 700 people. It was exhausting, wonderful and so worthwhile.

These new traditions means that instead of being sad on Christmas, I was busy, involved and happy. I think I will keep looking to begin new traditions that will help me focus beyond myself and the losses in my life.

Because I refuse to be defined by the losses .... there is so much more to life than that. And I want so much more than that.

Just Connie

Alone for Advent

I cried this morning. I did not plan on it but I did. This year each of the pastoral families took a week to present and light the Advent wreath. That seems very easy but as my day ti light the wreath got closer it grew into something very big. The more I thought about it ... the more that I dreaded lighting the Advent Wreath by myself. Out of all of the pastors, I was the only one who had no family to stand with them. it just seemed to highlight my aloneness this year and frankly it hurt.

This morning was my Sunday to light the wreath and as I stood before the congregation I told them I did not want to do it. As I shared honestly I began to cry and that is when God began to whisper in my ear. I looked around the congregation at the family that God had given me. I was filled with such a sense of love and gratitude as I looked at those dear faces and in that moment I knew that I did not stand alone.

And not being alone .... that is a very good thing.

Just Connie

Amazing

One of the amazing things that happen at Christmas in Willamina is the FFA food drive. They gather thousands of pounds of produce and distribute it to Food Banks and agencies through the Coast Range. Our Church is one of the distribution points and today we accepted a couple of hundreds of pounds of fruits and vegetables.

Tomorrow we will distribute a large part of it with our Christmas Food Boxes. Then whatever is left we will give out to people in the community over the next couple of weeks. Today I spent trying to find spaces to put it all that would not interfere with tomorrows services. With the Kitchen remodeling project in full swing that was rather challenging as the space we usually use is full of equipment and cabinets.

I am blessed by the people who have given hundreds of hours of service to see that hungry people are fed this Christmas and blessed that people have been so generous to give. I know that I will also be blessed in the days ahead as the food is given away.

All in all and amazing day with more amazement to come ...

Just Connie

Christmas Coming

Christmas is just around the corner. It seems to have snuck up on me this year. I think I am glad of that. To be honest Christmas often brings a myriad of emotions. Loneliness, regret and sadness seem to be part of my Christmas reflections these past four years.

This year I have been trying to focus on what is right in my life ... because there are some wonderful things. How sad it would be to let my life be defined my what I have lost. I am so much more than my losses and I can see the hand of God working in so many ways.

I choose to look for the blessing, I choose to live in hope .. a life that is poised in expectancy. There are good things ahead. ... but I will never discover them if I am los tin regret and sadness for the past.

Just Connie

My Friends

Friendship is really important to me. The times in my life when I have flourished the most I have had friendships that not only helped me be me ... but helped me be more than me. There have been seasons in my life when I have not had many friends around me. Those are the times when I have made a concerted effort to grow some friends.

That process of growing friends is challenging. It feels risky and it requires investment and transparency. I have not always done well at that. Sometimes in my hurt I have huddled in my loneliness and refused to risk anything. At other times I have reached beyond my comfort and open my life to other people and when I have ... I have been so blessed.

Last night I met with two people who are so very important to me. I met both of them while I was working at the Mission. One I first came to know as a client and then a friend and then a co-worker. The other I hired as my assistant. Both of them have become trusted confidantes and friends over the years. Last night as we laughed, teased and shared I was so blessed by them. Blessed by how good it felt to be with them, blessed by the deep abiding trust we have for each other and blessed by the love they are willing to share so abundantly.

Today as I have thought back over last night, it still brings a smile to my face. It has also brought to mind the people who do not have these kind of relationships in their lives. How very sad that is. I cannot imagine trying to live by myself. Life is often so hard and so painful I know that I cannot do it without my friends alongside me.

Today I am filled with gratitude for my friends ... the ones I have now and those that are yet to come. You are a precious gift and I never want to take that for granted.

Just Connie

O Christmas Tree!

Over the past weeks I have regretfully come to the conclusion that Christmas as I have always done it was going to be out of my reach this year. After weeks of doctor bills and illness I did not have the money, the time or the energy to  do much in the way of Christmas prep.

I have to admit that decision did not always fill my heart with joy but it seemed to be the mature, responsible decision this year. On Sunday I was surprised with the gift of a tree. I have to admit that it made me happy to think about having a tree up. And then .... I saw the tree. A sadder tree would be hard to find. It was thin and completely flat on one side and had about 10 branches on the entire tree. As I stood there and poked it with my toe, I kept reminding myself that lights and decorations cover a multitude of problems.

Putting aside the cloud of fatigue that has been my companion over the past month, I drug the ladder in and pulled myself up in the attic. And I do mean pull because my ladder is about a foot and a half shorter than it needs to be to get me in the attic. Then the task was to figure out which of the 20 boxes of Christmas things had the decorations for the family room tree. I finally found it and with fear and trembling dropped myself and the box on the top rung of the ladder so I could drag it all downstairs.

Now I had the tree ... I had the decorations ... what more could I possibly need? I should have known it was not going to be that easy. The tree did not fit in the stand. This poor little spindly tree was too small for my tree stand. But my son took pity on me and put it in the stand, brought it in the house and left on his merry way. There was only one small problem ... the whole tree was at a tilt. I tried to straighten it and finally gave up and went ahead and decorated it.

As I stood back and looked at my tree I kept telling myself that it was charming ... wonderful .... but it really was not. It looked like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree. Sighing I went to bed and told myself that it would grow on me. As I popped out of bed in the morning I heard the dreaded sound of breaking ornaments. I ran into the family room to find ... yes .... the tree had fallen over.

Tearfully I took stock of some of the ornaments that had been smashed. My Wedgwood ornament from one of my churches at my 10th Christmas with them. The hand painted, blown glass ornament my cousin gave me the first year I was married ... the list just went on and on. It was too horrible to really take stock of so I went back to trying to get the tree upright again. I tried straightening the tree it would not stand up, I put shims in the stand ... I spent 20 minutes trying to get it upright. All I accomplished was pitch all over my hands, pine needles in my hair and exhaustion. So I did the mature thing. I swept up all the glass I could reach and left the tree on the floor. It has been there for the last 24 hours ... staring at me reminding me that I was beaten by Charlie Brown's Christmas tree.

After careful reflection, I have finally come up with a solution. Tonight I will go home and carefully take all the ornaments off, wind up all the lights  ... and kick that tree to the curb.

I give up!

Just Connie

Today

I am still fighting the lingering effects of my sinus infection. My asthma still flares up at odd times and today I found myself dragging. So I called it quits mid day and came home and spent the afternoon laying on the couch.

Tomorrow I will have to hit the ground running. I have to visit someone in the hospital, finish my sermon, wrap up a fund raising letter, attend a mid day meeting, volunteer at the school and whatever else pops up during the course of the day.

I have a doctor's appointment this week and I am hoping that we can come up with some solutions for my asthma. I think I have been spoiled over the years ... it has never been that much of an issue before. These last 6 months have been  .... concerning ..... sometimes scary and sometimes annoying. So I am motivated to  follow a plan of attack.

Time to call it a day and trundle off to bed ..... It's a day!

Just Connie