When Life Disappoints

What do you do when life disappoints you? I guess the answer to that question really determines how happy your life will be. Because the thing I am learning is that life will often disappoint you and how I react is more important to my physical and spiritual well being than my hurt and/or disappointment.

It was about 5 months ago that I finally had a name to hang to the illness that had kept sidelining me over the past 4 year. Primary Immune Deficiency, a great big name to explain that I did not have the antibodies to fight infection. To combat this I began weekly gamma globulin treatments. The treatments have been ..... well not fun. Nausea, muscle aches, fatigue and hair loss have become companions on this journey. But for every side effect I kept telling myself that I was getting better. I was very encouraged to realize that it had been over two months with no  infection, which is the longest I have gone in over a year.

However, one morning when I sat down to do my morning testing, I discovered that my lung function had dropped 50 points. I prayed that it was a momentary aberration, but over the next few days my lung function continued to fall. I took a trip to my doctor for a  steroid shot and waited with anticipation for my lung function to climb .... but it did not. The next week I went back and was given another shot and put on a month of oral steroids as well. Again I waited for the anticipated rise in lung function only to realize a few days later that I had a sinus infection.

I was discouraged as I sat in the doctors office receiving my antibiotics. My two month long infection free streak was over. I was in an all too familiar spot ... antibiotics and steroids. I went home dragging ... tired, disappointed and filled with questions. Did this mean the treatment was not working? Was this the beginning of another long line of infection after infection?

As I pondered those questions, I began to feel God speaking to my heart with His own questions. Would I choose hope in spite of the discouragement? Did I believe that God was good enough, big enough and loving enough to get me through this latest hurdle? Was I trusting enough to trust God with this?

The answer is Yes! God is good enough, big enough and loving enough to get me through and I am choosing to trust him with this. I choose hope over discouragement and I am looking forward to tomorrow with anticipation.

So for me when life is discouraging, I need to get my focus off of me and back on the Creator of the Universe ... it puts things into perspective and gets me out of the way.

And somehow .... life just is not so discouraging anymore ....

Just Connie

A Different Kind of Night

Saturday, I got dressed and drove my parents down to our local Community Center. I knew that this was going to be a very different kind of evening, but I had no idea how very different it was going to be for me.

Several months ago, when I was diagnoised with a Primary Immune Deficiency, I knew that I had a huge financial hurdle to overcome. But somehow I had an incredible sense of peace as I would pray about it. I did not know how, but I knew that somehow God was going to make all of this possible.

It was about 3 months ago, when the Chamber of Commerce came to me and told me they were planning a fundraiser for me to help with medical expenses as I journeyed through this diagnoisis. It has been with some self conciousness that I have heard some of the things they were planning for this event.  I really did not feel worthy of all that work of this kind of love and support. But every time I would struggle with this, I would feel God's touch and His reminder that it really was not all about me.

The first thing I noticed as I walked up to the Community Center was the smell of roasting pig that was donated by our local Community member. It  had been cooking over the coals all day long. The next thing I noticed as I walked in were the beautiful decorations and tables with table clothes and centerpieces. Everything looked wonderful. There were long tables stretched out for the food that a local restaurant had donated. There were more long tables for all of the auction items that people had been donating for this event. By the door there was this immense donation jar and I laughed to see my dad dropping money in the jar. "Haven't I cost you enough yet?" I teased as I watched him. There was another table selling the raffle tickets for the Henry Rifle that they had been selling tickets to all summer and another table displaying the gun itself.

Mom and I began to slowly walk down the auction tables looking at what people had donated in their love and generosity. But the time I reached the end of the first table I was crying. I could not believe that so many people were willing to help. While I continued to look at the donations, the band was setting up to play .... A live band .... A fabulous band.

And then the band began and people began arriving, dancing, making bids on the auction items and the room began to fill with laughter, voices and music. Dinner was soon big served as a mode and moor people streamed o the room. They brought in more chairs and more chairs and more chairs and still people came.

I walked around greeting people as they came in and trying to duck out of my mother's reach who was trying to get me to slow down and rest.  I was becoming more and more amazed as I watched everything that was happening. Then I was called up on stage and they gave a brief explanation of my diagnosis and treatment. Then they shared some of the things I do around town and the different hats I wear. By the time they asked me to come and say something, I was crying again, totally overwhelmed by this gift of love and support as I struggled to find words to express the depths of my gratitude and my love for all of them.

I was given a quilt made for me in a firefight motif to warm me on treatment days and remind me that I am loved. And of course that just made me cry even harder. But finally it was time for th final drawing and to say goodbye to everyone who had come out for this event.

They raised a lot of money which will cover my treatment costs for the next couple of years, but more portably, they reminded me that I am loved, that I am not in this alone.

And that is a very important reminder ....

Just Connie

The Phone Call

I just received a phone call from a man I have not spoken to in about 30 years. When I knew him he was a young man in his 20's who really struggled with poor choices. Drugs and prison seemed to be an endless circle for him. I spent a lot of time with him in through those years, advocating for him, getting him into treatment programs and of course visiting with him.

I have often thought of him over the years and prayed for him as he came to mind. But I always had this nagging feeling that I must have failed him somehow.  I had no idea where he was and how he was doing. Today's phone called filled me in and lifted me up as he shared. He had tracked me down to tell me thank you for saving his life. He has been clean and sober for 27 years. He is married, living in Florida and has built a good life.

I wanted to dance and sing as he shared with me. It was a good reminder to me that I am not called to "fix people". I am called to love and faithfulness. It is God's job to restore, it is mine to pray.

How grateful I am that this man took the time to track me down to say thank you. How thrilled I am for his restored life and hope. As a pastor it truly reminds me what this job is all about.

And that is a pretty good reminder to get .....

Just Connie

Steroids

I sighed as the Dr explained the treatment for my falling lung function. A second steroid shot and three weeks of a massive blast of oral steroids. I knew from past experienc that the steroid treatment would bring sleepless nights, a puffy moon face and an upset stomach. But it would attack the inflation in my lungs that was making breathing challenging for me. I was also to begin every four hour breathing treatments.

So for the last couple of days I have been working the treatment plan and spending a lot of time reading through the nights. I am not seeing improvement yet but I am not getting horribly worse either, so that is a good thing.

I find myself resenting this illness at times. The time and energy that it steals from me when I could be living life. But God gently reminds me that I am living life ... Right where I am. I have things to learn and though the path might now take me where I expect, I need to embrace the journey.

So tonight I am choosing to rest right where I am and look for the lesson that is here for me. And with all of these steroids coursing through my body, rest sounds pretty good.

And tomorrow is a bright new day ...

Just Connie

Another Go Around

The church Camp Out was going well. It had been wet, but I had been having a lot of fun with the the young adults and kids. We had played Capture the Fag in the dark with glow sticks. We had played Football Frisbee and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. It was when I woke up Monday morning that I knew that things had taken a bad turn for me.

Rolling over I could already hear  the wheezing of my lungs.Sighing, I got up and began packing my stuff up so I could head home and take care of my complaining lungs  I packed up my car and said goodbye to everyone.

Getting home I unpacked everything, set up the tent and spread out the wet gear so it could dry. Then I hauled myself into the house and measured my lung function. Looking at the result I sighed and drug myself into the bedroom to lay down a while.

Deciding that this might be a temporary downturn, I decided to wait it out a day and see if I got better. By that night my lung function had dropped another 50 points and I was not feeling well. So I broke down and went to the Dr the next day who said, "You are not moving air through your lungs  well". The good news was that I had no sign of infection. Which was very good news. I left his office with the instruction to double check with the immunologist to make sure a steroid shot was not contraindicated with my gamma globulin treatments.

After checking with the immunologist I reported early the next morning for my steroid shot. That day as my lung function got worse and worse, I got my sermon done, had a counseling appointment and then had my gamma globulin treatment. By that night I was short of breath and b=pretty miserable, but I drug myself to my Fire Board meeting and was home by 9:15 to fall into bed.

I woke in the morning feeling better. Taking my lung function test I was encouraged to see that I had some up several points. As the day went on I felt better and better. And now I sit here several points higher still and beginning to think that I am over the hump with this go around.

I have no idea what set this one off, but it is resolving without antibiotics or oxygen. That makes me feel like I am beginning to get a handle on things.

Most of all I find that I am grateful. I am grateful for the healing that my body is undergoing. I am grateful for the incredible people God has put into my life to partner with me in my health care. I am grateful for life and the future that God has for me.

And grateful is a good place to be .....

Just Connie

A Normal Day

My days are often filled with a myriad of things. This week has been no exception. I thought I would give you an idea of what Wednesday was like.

It began when I hopped out of bed at 6:00 and drug myself to the shower. In reality I really, really did not want to get up when the alarm clock rang .... however I had a stack of commitments I needed to meet.

By 8:00 I was at Coyote Joe's Restaurant with the Minutes from the last meeting to pass out. For the next hour I took minutes, while we discussed a variety of current projects and problems that we are working on. And in spite of what you hear, I am NOT in charge of the nude beach project.

From there I headed to the office to finish up my sermon and try to get the music laid out for Sunday morning service at the Church Camp Out. As I was working, I had a steady stream of drop in visitors. Some with problems, some who just wanted to chat. But in between visitors I actually was able to get the sermon done and printed.

As I was locking up the office, I was stopped by a man who really needed diapers for his grand child and some milk and other grocery perishables. So I went back in and wrote a small check and a note to our local grocery store and was able to send off a very happy man.

That was about the time I remembered that I had not eaten any lunch, but I still needed to make a trip into Sheridan. So I decided to head into Sheridan and get some of the errands done before I ate lunch. I went the bank and picked up the new Benevolence checks, I stopped at Sheridan City Hall to talk to the City Manager about a community project and finally ran and picked up prescriptions at the Pharmacy.

It was while I was at the pharmacy that I got the text to stop in at the Fire Hall to sign checks. So I popped into the Fire Hall and signed checks and looked at the specs for a new rig we were considering, gave all the crew a hard time, talked with the chief abut a personnel issue, talked with the clerk about the Board Policy review I have been working on and .... finally about an hour later was  heading home.

From there I dropped a form off at my doctor's, and stopped at the grocery store where I bought lunch/dinner because now it was 4:00 and picked up some supplies for the Church Camp Out. Loading the groceries in the car, I headed home to let out a very grateful dog and filled my plate with lunch/dinner. As I was beginning to eat, there was a knock on the door. It was a close friend whose mother had just passed away. We talked for the next hour about how the family was doing and was honored when they asked me to do the service.

I waved goodbye to him and walked back to pick up my plate and eat as much as I could as I headed to the kitchen to put it away. It was time to change my clothes for yoga class and head to the church where I was meeting my "phone guy" who  would be helping me dump the very inefficient cell phone carrier I currently  had and sign up with a new carrier with my new phone.

It sounded so easy when he asked me to call my provider and get my account number. However after I had been put on hold multiple times and transferred 3 times, I was beginning to get very frustrated. I made the mistake of telling them I was frustrated. Next thing I knew I was transferred once again, only this time to a Spanish speaking person who rattled off a long line of Spanish. By then I was at the end of my rope and said, "Are you kidding me? No habla espanol`" After a very short conversation with him (in English) I was transferred once again to someone who eventually gave me the account number.

But of course by that time my yoga class was half way over and we had not even begun the transfer process yet. Over the next hour and a half we got through the transfer process until we were just waiting for the old carrier to let go and the new carrier to kick in. At 9:00 pm we called it quits and I headed home with a phone that was not operational yet.

As I prepared for bed, I thought of all the things I did not get finished and sighed.

But ... tomorrow is a new day with endless possibilities. I am pretty sure there will be more hours in tomorrow ..... right?

Just Connie