Alien Landscape

By nature and by personal choice I am normally optimistic and positive. I love life and enjoy people. But I find myself swirling in a maelstrom of emotions right  now.  It is not a comfortable feeling and I feel like I have been deposited on another planet. Here I sit looking at a very strange and alien landscape.

So what do you do when you find that you are in a foriegn and unwanted place? I could moan and groan and complain ... But that really goes against everything that I am. I could go to bed and pull the covers over my head ... But somehow I do not think that is going to help in the long run. I could take a pill or take a drink that would deaden the things I am feeling .... But yet I deeply believe there is value in feeling the feelings.

I think that everyone comes to these places where we find ourselves broken, hurting and looking for answers. So what is the answer? I have a feeling that there is not a simple one. I think it is choosing to take a step in the dark, believing that the light is there. That does not mean that the hurt goes away, it does not mean that I will not be frightened it just means that I choose faith.

And anytime that I choose faith, the dark does not win.

A simple step of faith .....

Just Connie

Broken

Sometimes I have to wonder why I am trying so hard to keep breathing? It is an unrelenting, exhausting battle that never seems to let up. And I have to wonder why? What am I fighting for? I am not fighting to be here for my spouse ... I am all alone. I am not fighting to be here for my children, they are busy with lives of their own that does not include me. Why, then do I fight for health? For what gain? For what legacy?

I have always said I want my life to make a difference. But how do you guage whether you are truly making a difference? What measuring stick do you use and what do you measure? Is it by family relationships? Is it by the amount of people served? How do you know if you are truly doing what God has asked you to do?

Tonight my heart hurts, rejection cuts deeply and it is hard to see past that hurt. It makes me question everything I am and everything I do.

I think it is time to seek God's heart ..... Because tonight my heart is broken.

Just Connie