Sunday Events

Big day today! I have been on the run all day. The day began with teaching my Sunday School class and then worship. A very good morning.

After church I came home and began the preparations for the evenings pastor's get together. I cooked and cleaned and worked to get everything just right. It all went very well. We have a good time when we get together. We had the chance to share how we were doing. and then we prayed together and that was very good.

So here I am, everyone has gone home and I am tired and experiencing that little let down that seems to come upon me at the end of a big event. I think a good night's sleep will probably go a long way to restore my flagging spirit and energy.

So I wish you a goodnight and blessed dreams, tomorrow is a new day.

"For He grants sleep to those he loves" Psalm 127:2

Just Connie

Today's Activities

I have had a good day. It has been full and busy, but good. I spent much of the day cleaning house and continuing to organize things around the house. I hung pictures and even got curtains hung up. hanging curtains meant that I had to sew the set for the front room door. That was an easy and short job but one I had not got around to over the past few months. I am really pleased with how it looks and it feels good to get it done.

I also got the dogs bathed and brushed and hopefully they will refrain form doing doggie things until after the company leaves tomorrow. I got the cake and the chicken baked for tomorrow and am in fairly good shape to wrap preparations up in plenty of time.

I had dinner with my good friends who are retired pastors. They are so much fun to spend time with. I find that it really energizes me to spend time with people who love me. It is a wonderful gift and I am very thankful for the friendship that is growing between us.

The evening wrapped up with prayer at the church and that is always a good thing. We have a small group of us that meet at the church every Saturday night and we pray through the building preparing for Sunday morning services. It is always a blessing.

So all in all it has been a good day, a productive day. I am looking forward to a wonderful day of worship and celebration tomorrow. I could use a few more days like this, it is good to walk in the light.

"I am the light of the world, whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life." John 8:12

Just Connie

House Day

I have been working on the house today. Trying to get things organized, hanging pictures and trying to make the house reflect me and my interests. I have company coming for dinner on Sunday night and I am trying to finish up some of the things I just had not gotten around to. it feels good to see things begin to feel more like me than "us".

My mother and my nephew came to see me today. All the way from St Helens and Burlington. They drove to Salem and picked up the mattress that mom and dad bought for me and then brought it all the way to Willamina. It was an incredibly loving and kind thing to do for me and I am so appreciative. While my nephew was here I put him to work. he helped me do some of the things that are difficult to do by myself. We hung curtain rods and he helped me put things in the attic. You just do not realize how many things there are that really require two sets of hands until there is only one set of hands to do them.

So tonight I am enjoying a quiet evening. I am watching TV and doing some light cleaning. It is good to begin to get some things taken care of. Now I just need to get a hold of a vacuum cleaner since mine committed suicide last weekend. Things do not look clean without being vacuumed. Hopefully tomorrow ... tomorrow ..... tomorrow. It is becoming a theme song for me.

"be self controlled and pure, busy at home" Titus 2:5

Just Connie

8 Things

I am going to take a cue from my friend Lisa and list 8 things that made me happy today.

1. I found a box spring for my bed

2. I found out my nephew and my mother are coming tomorrow to see me!

3. I found out my friend Rick had very good news and answered prayer today.

4. I found out my friend Ray was accepted for treatment at the Cancer Centers of America and accepted for his Masters work at the university he had applied to.

5. Hope puppy's playful antics.

6. I hung a new picture today given to me by friends that I really like.

7. It looks like I will get my W-2 from the Gladstone church in a couple of days. (it's a miracle)

8. The church nominating committee finished the first round of nominations painlessly.



"A happy heart makes the face cheerful." Proverbs 15:13

Just Connie

Processing Life

I am tired tonight. I have been wading through some deep scary waters over the past couple of weeks. I am beginning to feel it. I am not sleeping very well and I feel like I am on an emotional overload. I know that I am processing everything that has happened to me and this is to be expected. To be expected but not necessarily enjoyed.

So I am trying to go to bed a little earlier at night and I force myself to stay in bed when the bad dreams awaken me. I am avoiding tense or scary TV and reading relaxing books at bedtime. I am also trying to walk everyday and get the exercise that I need. I am doing what I can to make choices that are healthy while my mind continues to process life events.

I will keep wading through these waters until I get to the other side. These deep waters will not last forever. In the meantime I will do what I can to enjoy the view. If not enjoy it at least try not to drown on the way across.

"Lift up your skirts and bare your legs and wade through the streams" Isaiah 47:2

Just Connie

Hope Springs

I have had occasion to do a lot of thinking about hope through this past year. Last night I shared that Hope was taking a step in the dark because I believe the light will come. That underlying belief has kept my face pointed towards the light and taken me step by agonizing step forward.

I got to thinking today about where that hope comes from. Scripture tells us that God is the author of hope. I believe that there are outlooks and beliefs that grow out of our relationship with the living God that brings hope to us even in times of despair and darkness.

Hope grows from from a submitted, committed heart. It grows from who I believe Christ to be and what I know He is doing in , for and through me.

Hope grows because I believe in what Scripture tells me, good overcomes evil. It also tells me that God loves me, loves me, loves me.

Hope grows because God has proved Himself to me over and over again.

Hope grows because it springs naturally out of the life, love and knowledge that God brings me.

"May the God of all hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Spring up O well ......

Just Connie

Hoping for the Light

A couple of months ago I decided that it would be good to spend time with a counselor. Just to talk through the trauma of the last few years and especially this past year.

That has been a wonderful decision. It has also been a very painful decision. It has required me to face my pain squarely and to identify it for what it is. Sometimes that has meant aligning my thinking to healthier patterns. Sometimes it has meant that I need to accept the truth of something that that are very difficult to face.

Tonight was painful. It brought up memories and events I did not want to look at. I have to admit that I am struggling to face this. It is so painful and so raw. And yet I know it is so important. To leave the truth in the dark will only harm me and harm the future God has planned for me.

So I take another step towards the light. I think this is what hope is all about. It is taking a step in the dark because you know the light lies ahead.

"Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear." Isaiah 58:8

Just Connie

Stepping Into The Light

I took another step out of the shadows and into the light today. I am working hard to try to connect with people more often than my pets. That means I am making conscious choices to spend time with people. Sp today I had accepted an invitation to go antiquing with friends. Then after a wonderful afternoon of poking around and looking at some wonderful things, I accepted a dinner invitation.

It seems like such as easy thing to do. I had such a good time, but in so many ways it would have been easier to go home and cuddle up with the animals. Easier but not better. I keep reminding myself that I need other people. My time of being alone is drawing to a close and it is the dawn of a new day.

So tomorrow, I will continue to make choices that bring into contact with others in meaningful ways.... and the next day and the the day after that as well. I will choose to keep doing it until it becomes second nature to me once again.

Today one more step into the light, tomorrow yet another step forward. The day will come when the last of the shadows are driven away.

"Who has called you out of the darkness into His marvelous light" 1 Peter 1:9

Just Connie

Church Dinner

We had a church dinner tonight. It was a night of mystery. Of course there were wonderful decorations, games and fabulous food. And best of all we did a radio show. Fibber McGee and Mollie to be exact. I was Mollie and we had a lot of fun. There was a lot of laughter and everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves.

I was reminded tonight that so often we get so busy with "doing" church we forget about "being" the church. We do not take the time to fellowship and just spend time with each other. Investing in each other's life. We need nights like tonight.

I am working hard to connect with people after a year of isolation. I do not always find it comfortable, but I do find it important and necessary. I need other people, I need their perspective, their love and their walk with Christ. And as I think about it ... other people need me too. It is time to continue to walk out of the shadows towards the light of the new day. It will be a lot more fun with friends beside me.

"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love" Romans 12:10

Just Connie

The Papers

I stood there and looked at the papers in my hand. It was the legal proof of what my heart has known for so long. My marriage was over. There was no more us ... only me and him. At some point Wednesday the judge signed the order that terminated the last legal remnant of our relationship. In an instant it was all over.

I find that I have conflicting emotions. I am glad to have this last hurdle behind me and I am sad for all that has been lost. I have a feeling that those emotions will go up and down in the days ahead. I guess that is to be expected as part of the process.

I am trying to keep my eyes focused ahead and not on the past. But tonight I am still finding that a bit difficult. Images of the past seem to be at the forefront of my thoughts. But tomorrow is a new day. I am choosing to meet it with hope and faith.


"We hold on to our courage and the hope of which we boast" Hebrews 3:6
Just Connie

The Eddy

Have you ever watched a stream? The water sometimes rushes madly over the rocks, splashing, laughing on its way. Sometimes the water flows serenely and placidly through steep banks. Sometimes there are little side eddies where the water spills over but has no real outlet. The water there can grow murky and stagnant.

I find myself in one of those eddies right now. Pushed off to the side, the emotions swirl me around, but there really is not any where to go. Tonight it is hard to keep hold of the fact that the stream is till there. It feels like I am going to be stuck in this side eddy forever.

I find that I really do not like being here but I need to remember that this is not for ever, it is just for now. Sigh ... I do not like the "nows" I have been having lately. Regardless of my feelings, this is the now I have.

So, I think I will listen to the stream that I cannot really see right now to remind myself that the stream is still there. I need to begin to prepare for the day the stream will grab me and send on my way once again. I know it is coming. I just need to be watchful and prepared.

Just Connie

The Ash Heap

At 8:00 this morning I met with the court clerk who went over all the paperwork to convert our legal separation to a divorce. Tonight I am a single woman.

I was stunned that it all happened so fast. But since a judgement had already been made for the legal separation last June and we had waived our right to a hearing, all it needed was the judge's signature. Once he had signed it was all done. Friday I will go and get pick up the signed decrees for my records.

It has been a very emotional day for me. I have done a lot of crying and a lot of thinking. Tears for the pain of these past years, for the heartbreak of sin and the destruction of dreams. I know that I have a lot of healing to do in the days ahead. But today was an important step towards my health and the future God wants for me. I need to keep hold of that and not let the flood of hurt wash away the truth.

God has a future and a plan for me. My life is not over, this is a beginning. Out of the ashes God will build something new, strong and wonderful. In fact God does his best work in the ash heap of despair.

I think tonight .... well God has his work cut out.

"He raises the poor from the dust and the needy from the ash heap" Psalm 113:7

Just Connie

The Papers

Two weeks ago I had conversation with my soon to be ex husband. I had sent him the divorce papers. He assured me he would sign them and send them off the next day in the self addressed and postage paid envelopes I had provided. Every day since them, I have walked to the mailbox looking for the papers that should have been here two weeks ago. Once again he failed to do what he told me he would do.

Today the papers finally arrived. It has been an interesting roller coaster of emotion today as I have prepared for this next step. I feel sad, I feel disappointed in the the little note that he had included with the signed papers and I have to admit I was mad at myself for feeling sad.

I finally came to the realization that being sad was appropriate and normal and I needed to stop beating myself up for feeling what I was feeling. It is a sad situation and one I never imagined I would find myself in. It is okay to grieve.

So tomorrow morning I have an appointment with the court clerk. They will look at my paperwork, notarize the ones that need it and then file it. I will find out at that time how long it will be until everything is final. Everything is moving ahead.

But tonight I grieve.

"I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices" John 16:20

Just Connie

Hope Learns a New Trick

Hope puppy has learned a new trick. She has learned to chase a ball and bring it back to me. She loves chasing the ball. She never tires of it and it is her very favorite activity. In fact it is a little too much of a favorite activity. She is .... well I do not think that obsessed is too strong a word.

Hope will chase madly after the ball and bring it back to me and lay it on the floor waiting for me to throw it. The problem develops when I do not respond right away. She then begins to bark. And she will bark until I throw the ball. Not one or two little barks, but on and on and on and on. I have tried hiding the ball, I have tried ignoring her and still she barks. I have tired going into a different room, I have tried everything I know how to do, and still she barks.

Tonight she has kicked it up a notch, she is now dropping the ball in my lap and putting her paws on my knee, looking earnestly into my face and then she begins barking at me. I realize that this is a phase and she will outgrow it. But in the meantime she is DRIVING ME CRAZY!

So puppy training continues and one of these days I will discover she has grown into a wonderful dog. In the meantime perhaps I will invest in some ear plugs ... or maybe ship her off to my parents for a while. I mean they got me trained, so surely they would have no trouble with one small puppy.

"But among the Israelites not a dog will bark at any man or animal" Exodus 11:7

Just Connie

Valentine's Day

Today was Valentine's Day and I have to say that I really felt the love. It has been a full and wonderful day.

The day began with a call from my mother wishing me a happy day and letting me know that she loved me and was praying for me. We chatted for about 15 minutes and it was a wonderful way to begin my day.

I headed to church and was so blessed to be hugged and wished a Happy Valentine's Day over and over again. I even got a Valentine from one of my friends with a chocolate. It was a happy day and worship was wonderful, uplifting and exciting.

After church I ran home and changed my clothes. Then my very good friends Clair and Mary Mitchell picked me up and we headed off to an adventure. they took me to Independence where we wandered through several antique shops. I found 3 gifts and a vintage scoop to use for my pellet stove. We had so much fun and talked and laughed and just enjoyed all of the interesting things we saw. We headed in to West Salem to my favorite Mexican restaurant. We enjoyed some great food and wonderful conversation. We took some back roads back to Willamina and enjoyed the beautiful countryside.

So tonight I am sitting here thinking back on the day and I realize that I really do feel that I have had a day of love and blessings. It has not been sad or difficult and that is truly a surprise to me. A wonderful surprise.

I think that God will have more of these wonderful surprises in the days ahead. I am ready for a few more of those. Faith is the result of hope built in love.

" And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

Just Connie

Meeting Thoughts

I had an uncomfortable experience tonight. I was in a meeting tonight and they began talking about something they had seen on TV. It was a couple who had faced unfaithfulness together and how they came through it with their marriage intact. The statement was made that the relationship was saved because the woman had studied Christ and had done what Christ wanted her to. I sat there and thought "So .... does that mean I have not done what Christ wanted?" I tried to push those thoughts away, but the more they talked about it, the worse I began to feel. The lady next to me who has also been divorced leaned over to me and whispered, "Our situations were different. We did what Christ wanted, but our husband chose otherwise".

By then the tears poured down my face and I realized that she was right. I was blessed by her assurance and her sensitivity to what I was feeling. Though there were tears on my face I felt warmed and comforted.

That warm feeling lasted right up until I was cornered at the close of the meeting. I was kindly lectured about allowing "the Accuser of the Brethren" to have access to me. I smiled and nodded and left as quickly as I could. But inside I was outraged. I had trouble putting my finger on what exactly was wrong. But as I have thought about it I have realized several things. I realized that my emotions were not only discounted, they were labeled as spiritually wrong. I also realized that if Satan was to blame then there did not have to be an apology to us for thoughtless remarks.

I find that I am frustrated with that kind of limited self awareness and sloppy theology. I do not see it supported biblically and everything in me protests against it. I am not sure how to combat it, but I know that I don't like it. I think that I need to spend some time praying about it and asking for some wisdom on how to face this. I want to have God's answer for this. There is a solution I just need to find it.


"My mouth will speak words of wisdom; the utterance from my heart will give understanding" Psalm 49:3

Just Connie

Loving It

I have worked hard to ignore the looming approach of Valentines Day. But I have found it impossible to shut it out today. The TV, the radio, the stores ... all of them are trumpeting the arrival of the holiday. Everywhere I turn they are talking about love, love, love and what we can do to make our special somebody feel special.

I really did not need any reminders that I have no special someone to share the day with. But there it is anyway. It got me to remembering how Valentines Day used to be. I always had presents and candy for the children and of course my husband. I used to make a super nice dinner and we would have such a good family time together. I really miss that sense of family and comfort and that absolute knowledge that I was loved.

My life is very different now but I do not want want to focus on the losses. So instead of focusing on what I do not have this year, I am going to try to focus on what I do have. I have the love of 2 dogs and one opinionated bunny. I have friends who love me and are praying for me. I have a church family that loves me. I have a family that loves me. And most of all, God loves me, God loves me, God loves me! There is still love in my life. I am thankful for that reminder. Because love is what it is all about.

"God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us" Romans 5:5

Just Connie

My Friends

I am so grateful for friends. Friends bring so much into our life. They bring honesty and reflection. They bring laughter and love. They also bring refreshment and challenge.

Lately I have come to be thankful for two very different sets of friends. I am thankful for my Facebook friends. People that have a sense of the daily flow of my life and are willing to interact with me on a deeper level than casual acquaintances. I am thankful for the times that we chat and that they ask personal questions and expect honest answers. It is very rare that a day goes by without touching bases with several of my Facebook friends. I find that I need them and I value the input they give me.

I also have a small group of people who interact with me daily. These are people who know me and love me anyway. People that I have a deep trust and respect for. These are people who are investing themselves in my life. They offer perspective and balance as well as honesty and encouragement.

These friends both near and far are very important to my emotional health. I need them. I need their insight, their honesty and the challenge they bring to me. Through this past year God has used them to help glue all the shattered pieces of my life back together again. They are a precious gift and not a day goes by when I do not thank God for them.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God" 1 John 4:7

I hope that I can be as good a friend to them as they have been to me.

Just Connie

The Roller Coaster

I have never liked roller coasters. It never seems like a good idea to purposefully put yourself in a piece of equipment that hurtles you through the air to what looks like almost certain death. I remember once at the state fair some friends talked me into going on with them. I ended up in a terrified huddle on the floor of the car. They finally stopped the ride and let me off. There was nothing fun about that experience. I can still remember the paralyzing fear that gripped me that day.

As I reflect over the past 10 years on the reality of living with an alcoholic, I realize that it was a roller coaster ride. The emotional ups and downs and the fear that paralyzed me. There were times that the ride was not terrifying, but then we would crest the top and hurtle downhill. And I would be that young terrified girl desperately looking for a way to stop the ride.

I am working hard to conquer the fear that still grips me at times. I do not want to be defined by the "bad things" that have happened to me. I want to fully step into the freedom that Christ has for me. I am healing and I am learning. I am also very grateful for what is happening in my heart and life.

"Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear" Isaiah 58:8

However, I still do not like roller coasters.

Just Connie

Dog Day

Now tell me again why I like dogs? This is the time of year that I begin to wonder if I have lost my mind. Charlie, my sheep dog is blowing her winter coat. That means that everywhere she walks she leaves a trail. A trail of hair ... hunks and hunks and hunks of hair. You would swear that there should not be any hair left on her because it is all on the floor ... on the furniture and of course on me. That means I am vacuuming at least two times a day. That also means that I am unclogging my vacuum cleaner at least two times a day as well. It is one of the sure signs that spring is around the corner.

The puppy is oblivious to the the hair floating around the house and has decided to un-stuff her stuffed monkey. That means besides the layer of hair my carpets are also speckled with the cotton innards of her stuffed monkey. I would not have thought that any stuffed monkey could have that much stuff in it. I noticed today when I was scraping stuffed monkey innards off of the carpet that the stuffed monkey was now mostly un-stuffed. I guess at some point she will run out of stuff to pull out of it and move on to the destruction of another toy.

Right now the dogs are tearing around the the family room, they are wrestling and growling and having a wonderful time. They are having a wonderful time ... me not quite so much. But I have to admit they are pretty entertaining to watch if you can keep your mind off of what they could potentially destroy as they are careening around the house.

So in a little bit I will herd the dogs off to bed and vacuum the carpets and listen to a few moments of peace and quiet. Who knows that might last for a while. Well at least until the raccoons come for their nightly visit and the dogs begin to protest. Sigh ....now why do I like dogs again?

"Deliver my life from the sword, my precious life from the power of the dogs" Psalm 22:20

Just Connie

Heavy Day

It has been a "heavy" day. Not because big and important things happened, but because I spent the day hauling really heavy things around.

The day begun with Hope puppy having an accident on the carpet. That meant I had to haul in the carpet shampooer from the shop. Which means that it had to come up a flight of stairs and then carried back down the flight of stairs and put away.

Then I had to go to the feed store and pick up a 50 pound sack of dog food. You would think that I would be used to it after a year of doing it on my own. But the reality is that sometimes it takes everything I have in me to muscle that sack of dog food out of the car, up the flight of stairs, through the house and then into the bin on the deck.

Then I had to pick up pellets for the stove at the hardware store. I always help them load it into the car because I feel guilty watching them do it while I just stand there. The pellets come in 40 pound sacks. So I help load 5 bags (200 pounds) and then I go home and unload them all. Then I go in the house and ice my shoulder.

Then this afternoon I sorted and loaded cases of books and papers into my car to take to the Conference Office tomorrow. All of the historical papers and financial papers from the Gladstone Church are going to its final home. I am thankful to have it out of my garage and ready to be on its way.

But I find that tonight I am tired. My shoulder and arm hurts and I am glad to be able to call this day finished. Time for bed and time for some restorative sleep. Tomorrow will be a "lighter" day.

"The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone" Exodus 18:18

Just Connie

Worship

Worship was exhilarating today. We are blessed at church by a large group of musicians and vocalist who rotate through our worship team. This morning was powerful. I am so appreciative of their willingness to lead our worship times.

I have come to realize that worship is an integral need in my life. God made me to glorify Him. When we stand and lift our hands and voices in adoration, it changes us. I find it especially uplifting when life has been hard. (And life has been plenty hard lately) When I worship it energizes me and brings focus and enthusiasm back into my life.

I want to begin to worship more on my own. It is time to drag out the guitar and spend time just lifting my voice in praise. I need this, my life needs this. It is time to sing.

"Ascribe to the Lord the glory due His name, worship the Lord in the splendor of His holiness." Psalm 29:2

Just Connie

House Cleaning

I have spent two days cleaning house. Heavy kind of cleaning, moving all the furniture, shampooing the carpets and trying to knock down all the spider webs. It seems like it slowly sneaks up on you and all of a sudden you realize that there is serious cleaning to be done.

So I have scrubbed and sorted and cleaned and cleaned. I am tired, tired, tired! But my house is fairly clean at this point. That is a pretty good feeling. Of course with the animals in the house it will not stay that way very long. But that is a small price to pay for their company and exuberant love.


It occurred to me as I was cleaning today, that I have really been doing some heavy cleaning in my own life over the past months. Working through the hurt, finding thought patterns that need to be changed and letting the Holy Spirit bring cleansing and health once again.

I am ready for healing, I am ready and I am so thankful for the work that God is doing in my heart and life. I believe that this is only the beginning and the best is yet to come.

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscious and having our bodies washed with pure water" Hebrews 10:22

Just Connie

Starlight

I stood in the darkness tonight and looked at the stars. It has been a long time since I have just stood in the quietness and let the beauty of the night sky speak to me. As I stood there and lifted my face to the heavens I felt a blanket of peace wrap around my wounded heart.

I just stood there and breathed in the damp cool air. Breathing peace in .... and out. I could feel the tenseness and fear that I have carried over the past week, begin to fade away. As I looked into the myriad of stars in the sky, I was reminded that God knows each star by name. They exist because he breathed them into existence. They are part of God's plan.

And if God has a plan for the stars it is a good reminder for me, that he has a plan for me as well. He can heal my brokenness and bring new life out of the ashes of despair.

"He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name" Psalm 147:4

Just Connie

Tonight I Cry

It was just 10 years ago that I followed my heart and married a strong, tall cowboy. The day that we were married was a beautiful crisp fall day. It was everything I had ever dreamed a wedding would be. I gave my heart and my life to a man who seemed to love me.

In the years that followed I learned the heart breaking reality of living with an alcoholic. Times of sobriety would be followed by periods of heavy drinking. With the heavy drinking came rages and unpredictable behaviors. He would leave, sometimes for months at a time. But he would sober up and come home. His periods of sobriety would give me hope and gave me a chance to see the wonderful man that I married. But those periods of sobriety became shorter, his behavior more unpredictable. That anger and everything that came with it taught me to fear him.

A year ago he left once again in a drunken rage. In the year that has followed I have been facing the hard stark reality of what my life had become. I have been learning many things about myself and about the man I love. I came to realize that with every drink he choose to take, each time he abandoned me, each time he filled me with fear, he was choosing to break the promises he made to me on our wedding day.

Those realizations brought me to a very difficult decision. This week on the recommendation of my denominational and spiritual leaders I have filed for divorce. It has been a heart breaking decision for me. I believe it is the right decision, the only decision at this point, but I feel as if my heart is breaking.

Tonight all I can do is cry. My heart hurts and I mourn for everything that has been lost.

"My harp is tune to mourning and my flute to the sound of wailing" Job 30:31

Just Connie

Being Helped

One of the things I have struggled with over the past year is the upkeep and repair of the house. It seems like such a big job for such a little house. Things like scraping and painting the fascia boards on the outside and cleaning the moss off the roof. Or all of the overhanging brush and trees that needed to be dealt with. The miracle has been that when I am feeling most overwhelmed, help has always arrived.

I am learning to not just accept that help, but even to ask for help when needed. I have found that simple task of asking for help has really been difficult for me. I have all kinds of excuses why I do not want to ask for help. You know things like "people are busy" or "I should be able to do this on my own" or even "I should learn to do this myself". The reality is that I do need help, I cannot do it myself and people do have the time to help me.

So the real issue is me laying down my pride and being honest and transparent. Sigh .... sometimes that is just so hard to do. But I recognize the importance of me doing so. I think this is something I will have to keep intentionally working on in the days ahead.

"When pride comes, then comes destruction, but with humility comes wisdom" Proverbs 11:2

Lay it down, lay it down, lay it down .... who knows, I might even learn something.

Just Connie

Learning Year

I am learning. In fact this entire past year has really been a year of learning for me. As I look back I see that I have been forced to gain new skills and experiences that I normally would not have chosen to learn.

I learned to build a fire in the pellet stove. I learned how to clean the moss off my roof. I learned how to haul 50 pounds of dog food into the house and put it away by myself. And those have been just a few examples of what I have learned. It has truly been a year of facing new experiences on my own.

There are other things that aren't so much learned, but are in a process of being learned. Things like facing the reality of what it was like to live with an alcoholic. Or learning to live alone. Learning who I am. All of those are lessons that I am still learning every day.

I think learning is good. I am committed to the process. Even though I sometimes find the process uncomfortable. Because the truth is that there can be no growth without learning. So day by day I am learning and growing. I have truly learned so much through this past year. I cannot imagine the things I will learn this year.


"Let the wise listen and add to their learning" Proverbs 1:5

Just Connie

Furry Friends

I am watching Bubba bunny hop around and check out all of the things on the floor, which he knows do not belong there. The thing about living with a puppy is that I seem to collect piles of odds and ends. Right now he has a couple of towels and various toys all piled up together. I notice that she likes to lay on top of the pile like a dragon guarding its hoard.

Now Bubba and the puppy are playing. They both want to play together but they have not found a form of playing that I am very comfortable yet. It gets a little rough and tumble. And Hope puppy is just not old enough to be able temper her play yet. So I watch them carefully and limit the rough stuff.

It warms my heart to watch the animals. It fills me with a sense of love that is a very real encouragement to me. I think that these furry friends are a special gift from God. I am grateful for them and the unconditional love they shower on me.

I think that it would do me good to be more like them.

"But ask the animals and let them teach you" Job 12:7

Just Connie