Tonight I Cry

It was just 10 years ago that I followed my heart and married a strong, tall cowboy. The day that we were married was a beautiful crisp fall day. It was everything I had ever dreamed a wedding would be. I gave my heart and my life to a man who seemed to love me.

In the years that followed I learned the heart breaking reality of living with an alcoholic. Times of sobriety would be followed by periods of heavy drinking. With the heavy drinking came rages and unpredictable behaviors. He would leave, sometimes for months at a time. But he would sober up and come home. His periods of sobriety would give me hope and gave me a chance to see the wonderful man that I married. But those periods of sobriety became shorter, his behavior more unpredictable. That anger and everything that came with it taught me to fear him.

A year ago he left once again in a drunken rage. In the year that has followed I have been facing the hard stark reality of what my life had become. I have been learning many things about myself and about the man I love. I came to realize that with every drink he choose to take, each time he abandoned me, each time he filled me with fear, he was choosing to break the promises he made to me on our wedding day.

Those realizations brought me to a very difficult decision. This week on the recommendation of my denominational and spiritual leaders I have filed for divorce. It has been a heart breaking decision for me. I believe it is the right decision, the only decision at this point, but I feel as if my heart is breaking.

Tonight all I can do is cry. My heart hurts and I mourn for everything that has been lost.

"My harp is tune to mourning and my flute to the sound of wailing" Job 30:31

Just Connie