Mowing

I hate lawn mowing. Well that is not quite true. I do not mind when other people mow the lawn I just hate it when I do it. There is just something about mowing the lawn that never fails to point out to me that I am ALONE!

Tonight while I was mowing I ran out of gas. I stood there and remembered with sadness the afternoon that Gerrald tried to teach me to mow the lawn and I ran out of gas. I remembered how we laughed together.I remember my total inability to start the lawn mower and how overwhelming it all felt to me. I remember Gerrald's gentleness, his humor and his kindness to me that day. How I miss that man ....

I am reminding myself that "that man" was lost in a drunken alcoholic rage.... perhaps not so much lost as murdered. But I was still filled with sadness as I stood and looked at the lawn mower. But I pulled out the gas can, filled the gas tank and then finished mowing the lawn.

I keep hoping that at some point mowing the lawn will not be such a dreaded chore. But I realize that it might be something that I never really like to do. I am hoping to at least get to the point when it does not fill me with such a sense of aloneness and sadness. I am working on it ....

Just Connie