New Year's Eve

Tonight is the last night of 2010. I always find year end a time of reflection for me. As I look back over this past year, there has been many changes for me. Primarily of course becoming the senior pastor of the Willamina Church. It has been sooooo good to be doing what I know God has called me to do. To be able to really give myself to ministry ... heart and soul.

Another change that has been remarkable have been my house remodel. It is such a wonderful space for me. I love the view and the sense of light and openness. It was worth every penny I sacrificed to do it.

All in all it was an okay year. Much of it was spent in transition. Transition is often uncomfortable but it is a bridge for tomorrow. I am looking with anticipation to what God will bring in 2011. It is a blank page waiting to be written.

Just Connie

Finance Committee

I had a finance committee meeting tonight. It went very well and I think we have good solid numbers to present to the board next week. It was so very different from last year's finance committee.

Last year I had spent weeks trying to make heads or tails of the numbers I had been given. It was a frustrating mess. This year we actually know what our expenses have been and what our income is. We have come a long way in just a year. I thought tonight was a good example of how far we had come.

Now next Thursday we will present the numbers to the Board and be ready for our annual meeting. We still have some wiggle room and I have a couple of areas that I am really praying about. I think we are being faithful stewards and that is a good feeling. I can't imagine how far we will go in the next year. it will be exciting to see where God will lead us.

Just Connie

Flu Bug

I have picked up the flu bug that the rest of the family had at Christmas. Over the last couple of days I have been taking meds and sleeping lots and trying to keep everything on the inside where it belongs .... on the inside. I am on the healing end of it all now .... I think.

I think it is time for more aspirin and sleep. I will write more tomorrow.

Just Connie

Sunday Thoughts

I curled up on the couch in front of the fire this afternoon. I woke up three hours later when the dogs were demanding to to be let out. I felt like I could have slept for much longer. It felt good but is such a lazy way to spend a Sunday afternoon. I should feel guilty but I don't

After church today I had lunch with good friends today. People who knew me from back in my Nazarene days. People who have stood by me when life got hard and have been with me in the joyous times as well. It was so good to be with them and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

It reminded me that I really need to spend more time with  people. I need to play and recreate and do more than just work and be with the dogs. It adds something rich and wonderful to the fabric of my life when I do. I find that tonight I am filled with a feeling of peace and contentment. That is a feeling I would like to hang onto. I am grateful for the gift of friendship and all that it brings to my life.

Just Connie

Christmas

Merry Christmas! It is now Christmas evening and I am sitting in front of a roaring fire reflecting on the day. I woke up early (thanks to my dogs) and went and jumped on mom and dad's bed. Of course they were already awake and I drug the stocking presents in and we opened presents and laughed at the dogs.

Charlie (my sheepdog) having years of experience, knew what to do with her stocking gifts and ripped them open to get the good stuff inside. Hope puppy was pretty confused about why we kept trying to get her to tear open the presents when we always tell her "No, no don't chew". But once she had a ball opened she was useless for anything but chasing the ball. She had a grand Christmas and loved her new balls.

After gifts, I packed up the doggies and headed back home to Willamina. I have to admit to feeling a bit sad. I missed the kids, missed the companionship of married life and hated being alone on Christmas. But as I unpacked the car I decided I was going to just enjoy the day I was given. I unpacked, put on Christmas music and turned on all the tree lights. About the time I was beginning to feel sad again, I had friends stop in to say Merry Christmas. it was a wonderful blessing and really cheered me up.

I ended the day with dinner with friends. I had such a good time with them. Fabulous food and  wonderful friends. The evening was filled with love and laughter. It was a balm to my heart. I am so grateful for their kindness.

All in all Christmas was a good day. I came away from the holiday celebrations knowing I am loved. I also came away knowing that I need to develop new traditions. I need to steer away from trying to make Christmas like it used to be and just let it be what it is. It is not about the trappings and the traditions, it is about the gift of Christ. God wrapped in humanity. That is enough .... for even me.

Just Connie

Pre Christmas Thoughts

I made the trip to my parents today. With the dogs and the presents and all of the baked goods I have been baking this past week.I packed up the car, herded the dogs in the car and headed down to the low lands.  It is always good to see my parents. I love spending time with them and I am glad to be here to lend a hand as all the family comes to their house tomorrow.

I find it amazing how things have changed over the decades. My nieces and nephews are grown and married. My own children have lives of their own. I just never thought it would all happen so quickly. The years have passed too fast. This time of year I find that I have  desire to turn back the clock, to have my children at home and have the family gathering around.

But my life is what it is and I am determined to find the joy right where I am. So I will head to bed tonight and look with anticipation for tomorrow's gathering. It might not be what I wished for or wanted but I am convinced that there is love and joy to be found there.

Just Connie

Feelings

As a pastor, I live my life to serve other people. It is not a hardship I  love to help, it brings a deep joy to me. But every once in a while I find myself asking, "Is it ever about me?" Of course I immediately feel guilty for thinking such thoughts. But the thought still pops up every now and again regardless of how hard I try to beat it down.

Today the thought has popped up again. I find the holidays hard as people are making family plans and excited to be with each other. As hard as I try to make everything okay, my reality saddens me. I miss the companionship of a family. I miss being special to someone. I miss being the hub of family activity and I am tired tonight of being on the outside looking in.

But I realize that these feelings are just that .... feelings. They are not permanent and they point the way to something that I need to pay attention to. Feelings "warn and inform". I am not sure exactly what this sadness is telling me, but I guess it will come clear to me in time. I think it is time to get a good night's sleep and try again tomorrow.

Just Connie

Defining Moments

I had a defining moment today.  Every Christmas Day one of our local restaurants have a free dinner for the homeless and needy in our community. As I was chatting with the restaurant owner today he shared that they had 300 pounds of potatoes and did not know how they were going to get them peeled for the dinner. It was one of those moments  .... you know the moments when everything in you is saying, "You have a full schedule, you have no time ... this is Christmas week." But instead of listening to the ration and reason of my brain, I found myself saying, "I know how to peel potatoes. I can help". So this afternoon I peeled 80 pounds of potatoes in about 2 hours.  That still left 220 pounds left to peel. I am glad there are still 3 more days to go.

I think those "moments" are defining moments for us. Those moments when we can choose "me" or I can choose "you". Christ calls us to serve, in everything we are and everything we do, serve others. Today was a good reminder for me that service is always a good choice.


"This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of the Lord’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God." 2 Corinthians 9:12

Just Connie

Peaceful Evening

I am sitting here in my family room watching Christmas movies. The lights on the tree are reflecting on the big picture windows and the fire is crackling. There is a feeling of peace in the air. Hope puppy keeps bringing me her ball to throw. Her current ball is basically just a flat piece of material because she has pulled all the stuffing out of it. But she faithfully brings it to me to throw. Every once in a while I even stir myself enough to throw it.

It is good to have a few evenings like this. They seem pretty rare in the midst of all the Christmas activities and meetings. But tonight I am enjoying this to the hilt. I think I will take the dogs and curl up with a good book. I can't think of a better way to end the evening.

Just Connie

Candle Light Service

Tonight was the candlelight service. I walked into the sanctuary and stood in awe ..... it was filled with hundreds of candles. The window sills the steps, everything had candles on it. It was beautiful. As people came in we gave everyone a candle of their own. There was a festive feeling in the air and the people streamed in.

The program began with Christmas songs ... lots and lots of songs, then there was special music. The children sang, some very talented adults and more singing for everyone. Then it was time for the Christmas story. The story was beautifully narrated as Mary and Joseph made their way through the sanctuary with Baby Jesus cradled in their arms.

As I sat there I was struck by a sense of rightness. I was back where I needed to be, doing what God had called me to do. I felt the tears come to my eyes as I savored the moment. I stood and made my way to the front and shared this scripture. 

"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

I shared, "When we have Christ we are never in the darkness, we bring His light with use where ever we go."  I slowly lit my candle from the Christ candle on the Advent Wreath and walked down the aisle lighting candles as I went. Each person turned and lit the candle of those sitting next to them. Soon the sanctuary glowed with the light of over a hundred more candles.

I came away tonight filled with peace and so grateful for the gifts and talented of the congregation and their willingness to serve. We are points of light shining in the darkness and that is a very good thing.

Just Connie

Open House Thoughts

I have people who love me. I have people who are my friends. I have not always felt that was the case. But today I was reminded that I am rich in the people God has surrounded me with. That is a very good feeling. Today I opened my home to the church and friends to come and see my house and celebrate Christmas with me.

It was so much fun. We ate and we talked and we laughed and then we ate some more. It was wonderful. there was a wonderful mix of ages of babies to the patriarchs and matriarchs. It was so good to see the house filled in every room with talking laughing people.

I am going to try to plan another one in late spring or early summer. I think it is good for me and good for the church as well. Perhaps I will even reclaim some of my back yard by then. Today was such fun it makes me wonder what took me so long to do this? ... Well never the less I am looking forward to the next one.

Just Connie

Church Board Meeting

I had Church Board meeting tonight. For many pastors board meetings are dreaded because of the conflicts and undercurrents in the meetings. I have to say that I really like our board meetings even though we have waded through some really difficult things in the few months I have been there.

This caring group of people have fearlessly faced issues that set many church boards at each others throats. I am very thankful for each of them.

The upshot is that I come away from our Board meetings energized and blessed. That is not only rare for most pastors it is the stuff that pastors dream and long for. I love these people God has sent me. There will be good things ahead for us as we minister side by side.

Just Connie

Bad Night

I had a bad night. It might be more accurate to say we had a bad night last night. Charlie my 10 year old sheepdog paced and whined and shook her head all night. It was the first indication she has given that she is in discomfort. But it was obvious that her head was hurting. And when she shakes those big flappy ears, it sounds like a helicopter taking off. So I knew every time she she did.

I have been so hopeful that the antibiotics had solved whatever was going on with her. Now I am not sure. I guess tonight will tell me whether it was a one night problem or whether we will be taking a trip to the vets tomorrow.

The bottom line is that I do not want her to suffer. If she is in discomfort I will let her go. She has been a faithful partner to me. She has followed me up mountains and down rocky cliffs. She learned to walk on logs over the river and was a warm spot at my back on icy nights. She galloped at my side when I skied and her gentle good nature blessed everyone she came into contact with.

She has been my friend and I do not want to say goodbye. But I might not get a choice about this. I am praying for a different outcome. Tonight will tell me a lot.

Just Connie

The Stupid Thing

I did a stupid thing today. I did not set out to do something stupid but it was stupid non-the-less. I had an afternoon of running errands. Jumping back in the Rav 4 from my last stop, I backed out of my parking spot and "crunch". Looking in disbelief ... it was true..... I had just backed into a van.

There is nothing so humbling as stepping into a crowded office and saying, "Excuse me but I have just backed into someones van." I could feel the angry tears trembling just under the surface. I was able to hold it together long enough to exchange information. But as the other car drove away the tears began. I felt so .... so ... well stupid. I picked up my cell phone and called my insurance company and started the claim.

But as I drove slowly home I kept a running conversation with myself, "I can't believe I did something so stupid" ...  "Stop beating yourself up, it was a mistake" ... "I can't believe I did something so stupid" ... etc, etc .... I the midst of my self condemnation I finally stopped and quieted myself. Taking a deep breath I said, "Lord I am letting it go. It is yours". And every time it has come to mind I am choosing to say the same thing.

I wonder why it is so easy to beat myself up when I make a mistake and why it is so hard to let myself  be less than perfect? I would be the first person to say that I am not perfect, but yet ..... I think I have this underlying expectation of myself that I must be.

So tonight I am letting myself be less than perfect, to acknowledge a failure and to stand straight and confident in that acknowledgement. I guess when you really come right down to it, this was not so much a stupid thing, as it was a life thing. And I guess that living life is okay.

Just Connie

Glad for Joy

I stood in the rain tonight and watched my daughter drive away. I waved as she pulled away and not even the rain could erase the smile off of my face.

As I walked back in the house I thought back over the evening. I had looked with such anticipation on our time together. I had cleaned and cooked and waited eagerly for her arrival. And I was not disappointed. She drove in, looking beautiful and confident. As I ran out to meet her I was flooded with so many memories of her. The tiny baby that was placed in my arms at 5 days old, the gorgeous tow headed toddler running after her brother, the athlete, the teenager ... so many memories of her.

We spent several hours together, talking, opening gifts and just enjoying our time together. She brought a room warming gift for me, a scripture saying for the wall. She even installed it for me. I have so missed our time together. Tonight was a balm to my heart and I am very thankful for it. I am glad for the gift that she is and I so look forward to more time with her this week. I am glad and that is a very good feeling .... I am glad for Joy.

  Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Philippians 4:4

Just Connie

Giving Joy Away

Joy that feeling …. That we try to make into an emotion. But joy is much more than an emotion it is a life style choice and there are things that will help me bring joy not just to me but to others.

1.  Be Where God Is
“Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and joy are in his dwelling place.” 1 Chronicles 16:27

2.  Share Your Victories
“On the twenty-third day of the seventh month he sent the people to their homes, joyful and glad in heart for the good things the LORD had done for David and Solomon and for his people Israel.”
2 Chronicles 7:10


3.  Find Ways to Celebrate
“Then the people of Israel—the priests, the Levites and the rest of the exiles—celebrated the dedication of the house of God with joy.” Ezra 6:16


3.  Find Joy in Where You Are
“The wings of the ostrich flap joyfully, though they cannot compare with the wings and feathers of the stork.” Job 39:13


4.  Live Right
“The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.” Psalm 19:8


5.  Sing Praise
“My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you— I whom you have delivered.” Psalm 71:23


6.  Identify What God is Doing
“The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.” Psalm 126:3


7.  Live in Hope
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12


8.  Be Spirit Filled
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness”
Galatians 5:22


Joy is a choice we make for ourselves and for the people around us. This world needs joy. We need to infuse our world with God’s joy. But we never will if we do not find it for ourselves. Choose joy, choose to give it away.

Pastor's Dinner

Tonight was the pastor's Christmas Dinner. I always enjoy it and enjoy the chance to talk with the other pastors. But I have to admit to a bit of sadness that it is yet one more event that I am doing on my own. There are not many people who come to this by themselves. I am not the only one but we are definitely a minority.

But I am trying to focus on what is good and not on what I miss. So  I will appreciate the chance to spend time with the other pastors. I will also look forward to getting to know them better in the days ahead.

Just Connie

In The Moment

I am sitting here in the dark with the Christmas lights sparkling around me. The tree is finished and looks good. It looks different than any of my trees from the past and I think that is a good thing. The Mexican nativity set is lit with clear lights and there are two greenery arrangements with multi colored lights. The room radiates joy and peace. It is a very good place to be.

I forgot that one of the things I always used to love about Christmas was the quiet moments spent just enjoying the beauty of the moment. This is a moment worth the time. It is a moment that is worth the week long flurry of decorating and hauling things from the attic. It is worth the work and it is worth the emotions that it has engendered this year.

I guess it is a good reminder that good things are worth working for. I am glad for these moments.

Just Connie

The Tree

Minutes after I posted last night I had an instant message offering to come and help me put up my Christmas Tree. I just about began crying all over again. I was so relieved. In the midst of my total discouragement came help and unexpected hope.

Tonight the calvary came in the form of a family from my church.  In minutes they had the tree standing upright and in the stand. It was completely amazing. Then we had a lovely evening together talking and enjoying each other.

After they left I put the lights on the tree and began decorating. This is what it looks like so far. Tomorrow I will finish it up. Right now I have all the lights off and I am sitting here enjoying the lights and beauty of the evening. I have really missed the glow of Christmas lights and the smell of fresh evergreens.

Last night I had a tree laying on it's side in the middle of the room. Tonight with a little help I have beauty and peace. I guess I will have to learn what I can do by myself and what I cannot. Perhaps next year I will have a tree decorating party. I guess it is another painful lesson learned. Hopefully I will remember this next year.

Just Connie

The Tree

I am so FRUSTRATED! I feel like stomping, crying angry ... kind of frustrated. I have been working very hard to stay on top of things this Christmas. I am decorating, shopping, planning get-togethers ... really doing my best to rebuild a new life. Tonight I tried to put the Christmas tree in the stand. it would not fit. I hacked and hacked until I finally got it in, but was totally unable to make it stand up. I worked and worked on it and finally sat there and cried in frustration.

I hate being alone, I hate trying to make things work that are impossible. I hate pretending that it is all okay. This is not okay. It is not okay to be trying to do Christmas by myself. It is not okay ... it just is not.

I keep telling myself that I have to make it work. I have to find a way to make the tree fit and stand up. I have no choice. I am by myself and I have to adjust. I have to learn how to do these things, I have to learn to cope with it.

But in honesty, I am whipped. The tree has won ..... unless I decide to decorate it laying on it's side?

Just Connie

Light Parade

Last night was the Willamina Light parade. We had worked hard on the float all day long. We untangled lights, tested and then hung and wired until everything was covered. We hooked in the inverter and fired it all  up... it looked great if I do say so myself.

Before I knew it, it was time to grab Charlie my parade hound of a sheepdog and head to the staging area. I put Charlie in her lighted tutu and Santa hat and we wandered around and looked at all the amazing floats.
And then ... it was time the parade was beginning we were off and running. Literally ... running. I had trouble keeping up with the float for the first quarter mile. I finally caught up and smacked the side of the truck and gasped to the driver to "slow down". It was about that time that the float lights went out. Luckily we had an extra rider who could walk along and keep resetting the inverter. That happened about every two minutes.

The parade was over all too soon. I stood there in the dark surround by all the floats, laughing people and glittering lights and was so warmed by the experience. It was a wonderful feeling.

There is something powerful about living in a small town ... about the connection we have with each other. I think it comes of the knowledge that we need each other. To be known and valued is a wonderful thing. I am so glad to be living here. God knew what He was doing when He brought me here. I think there are good things ahead.

Just Connie

The Stuffed Monkey

Hope puppy has a passion for balls. Her perfect day would entail chasing the ball over and over and over again. If no one will throw it, she will even throw it herself. During her short rest times she likes to sit there and chew on her ball. Her balls do not last very long. They have a tendency to fall to pieces very quickly. The only other toy she has is her stuffed monkey.

Her stuffed monkey has no stuffing left in it and is basically just a flat tattered piece of material. But she loves it. When all her balls are gone, she always turns to her monkey. Today she has been carrying her monkey around in the hopes that I would throw it for her.

When I look at the monkey it makes me smile. She loves that monkey unconditionally. As it has lost body parts and stuffing, it has made no difference to her. I think that is the way all of us are called to love. Lavishly and unconditionally, just the way God loves us.

In fact there are days that I feel an awful lot like that monkey ..... it is a good thing I am loved.

Just Connie