Flashback

I sat there and felt my heart begin to pound and the old panicky feeling begin to sweep over me. I forced myself to take a deep breath and to relax against the back of the chair as I listened to the presentation on domestic violence. As the presenter described abusive relationships I had a sudden vivid flashback of being choked, I could feel his hands wrapped against my throat and remembered the flood of fear that gripped me as I realized that I was in serious danger. As she continued to speak other scenes swept through my memory, cowering in fear from his anger and rage, huddling in bruised, bleeding misery in the bathroom as I sought to stifle my sobs before he could hear them. Those experiences suddenly felt so fresh, raw and new.

I made it through the presentation, but as I tried to say something to my friends and colleagues I found myself struggling to hold back the tears. I finally said, "This is a a very personal issue for me". That is probably an understatement because it is so intensely personal. The fear, the hurt, the betrayal of someone that I trusted and loved. The degradation and experiences that I have never told anyone, it is just too ugly and too .... well personal.

But out of the ashes of that hurt and despair, I know that God is creating something fresh and new. He is bringing healing and a strength that would never have been possible without those experiences. But sometimes ... sometimes the memories hurt.

Just Connie