2012 Reflection

New Year's Eve ... how did it get here so quickly? This is always a time of introspection for me. Not only is it the end of the old year and the cusp of a brand new year but I am approaching the anniversary of when life changed for me.

It was almost 4 years ago I frantically threw what I could get to in a bag and quietly crept out of the house in the middle of the night. I remember being gripped by fear that my husband would awaken from his drunken stupor and catch me before I could get out of the house. I remember the sobs that tried to keep in as I realized that my life had suddenly changed. I remember .....

And in that remembering, I sorrow for what was lost in my husband's choice for alcohol. I sorrow ... but yet I rejoice in what God has done in the last 4 years. He has brought new life, joy and freedom. To live without fear is a precious gift and I never want to take it for granted.

So tonight as I remember and reflect I acknowledge the grace and power of God. I am filled with overwhelming thankfulness for his love and restoration.

And that is a pretty good way to start a new year ....

Just Connie

This Too Shall ...

How I wish that I would get my energy back. I am tired ... tired ... tired. We had a great service this morning, Wonderful discussion in Sunday School class and then a powerful worship service. That usually really energizes me. But today I drug home exhausted.

I have spent the afternoon sleeping on the couch, knowing that there is a lot of work that I should be doing. But yet I just did not have any energy at left to get anything done.

I know it is a probably an outcome of the asthma and long illness, but I am so ready to get back to normal life. At least the norm for my life.

So I guess I will continue to try to get lots of rest and let my body heal. I keep reminding myself that ... this too shall pass.

This too shall pass .... right?

Just Connie

Complainers

Complainers ... they seem to be all around me at times. The thing I notice is that most complainers do not want to be part of the solution, they just want to complain about what they do not like. I find that frustrating in my own life.

But tonight I am really discouraged ... because the complainers did not  just come to me, they fastened on to someone I care about. Someone who was ministering in a difficult position and doing the best they could. The weight of the complaints finally reached the breaking point and now she is stepping out of the position she has been filling. That means there not only is no one to do this incredibly important job.

I am angry for the thoughtless complaints that have hurt someone who just doing their best. Angry for the damage this has done to not only my friend but the damage to the ministry of the church as well.

I just wish those who have emotionally stomped up and down until it broke would actually be willing to now fix the mess they have made. But the reality is that they will not ... they will probably complain that there is no one to do the work now.

Complaining .... about the complainers ... somehow that does not seem quite right.

Huh ....

Just Connie

Life Thoughts

Sometimes I get frustrated. Tonight is one of those nights. I can feel my frustration simmering. I would love to say that as a pastor I never struggle with this issue ... but I do. So now the question is what do I do with it? I am not willing to nurture this feeling. I am ready for it to go away.

So I will start with forgiving those that have stressed me tonight.  I will also remind myself that I am a work in process and these feelings are not wrong. They are here to tell me things and I need to listen. Then I will lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. because He has everything I need tonight.

This is life ... even for a pastor ... especially for a pastor. And this is not a bad thing. Anything that draws me to the feet of Jesus is a very good thing.

Just Connie

Christmas Day

I have to admit that on Christmas I struggle with a sense of loneliness.  I miss having family around me and I often feel on the outside of things. To combat that and in the effort to make healthy choices for myself several years ago I began a couple of new traditions.

One of them is I go up to mom and dad's on Christmas Eve and spend the night with them. Before I go to bed, I fill the Christmas stockings with gifts and candy. Early Christmas morning I bring the stockings into mom and dads room and we open the gifts and laugh and just enjoy being with each other. This year Hope Puppy was so thrilled with the new ball that mom got her and she spent the morning dropping her slobbery ball in the middle of our candy and presents. And that just made us laugh harder.

The other tradition I began is to serve at our big community dinner.This year I ran for 5 hours serving meals and just trying to share Christmas cheer to everyone that came. This year it looks like we served over 700 people. It was exhausting, wonderful and so worthwhile.

These new traditions means that instead of being sad on Christmas, I was busy, involved and happy. I think I will keep looking to begin new traditions that will help me focus beyond myself and the losses in my life.

Because I refuse to be defined by the losses .... there is so much more to life than that. And I want so much more than that.

Just Connie

Alone for Advent

I cried this morning. I did not plan on it but I did. This year each of the pastoral families took a week to present and light the Advent wreath. That seems very easy but as my day ti light the wreath got closer it grew into something very big. The more I thought about it ... the more that I dreaded lighting the Advent Wreath by myself. Out of all of the pastors, I was the only one who had no family to stand with them. it just seemed to highlight my aloneness this year and frankly it hurt.

This morning was my Sunday to light the wreath and as I stood before the congregation I told them I did not want to do it. As I shared honestly I began to cry and that is when God began to whisper in my ear. I looked around the congregation at the family that God had given me. I was filled with such a sense of love and gratitude as I looked at those dear faces and in that moment I knew that I did not stand alone.

And not being alone .... that is a very good thing.

Just Connie

Amazing

One of the amazing things that happen at Christmas in Willamina is the FFA food drive. They gather thousands of pounds of produce and distribute it to Food Banks and agencies through the Coast Range. Our Church is one of the distribution points and today we accepted a couple of hundreds of pounds of fruits and vegetables.

Tomorrow we will distribute a large part of it with our Christmas Food Boxes. Then whatever is left we will give out to people in the community over the next couple of weeks. Today I spent trying to find spaces to put it all that would not interfere with tomorrows services. With the Kitchen remodeling project in full swing that was rather challenging as the space we usually use is full of equipment and cabinets.

I am blessed by the people who have given hundreds of hours of service to see that hungry people are fed this Christmas and blessed that people have been so generous to give. I know that I will also be blessed in the days ahead as the food is given away.

All in all and amazing day with more amazement to come ...

Just Connie

Christmas Coming

Christmas is just around the corner. It seems to have snuck up on me this year. I think I am glad of that. To be honest Christmas often brings a myriad of emotions. Loneliness, regret and sadness seem to be part of my Christmas reflections these past four years.

This year I have been trying to focus on what is right in my life ... because there are some wonderful things. How sad it would be to let my life be defined my what I have lost. I am so much more than my losses and I can see the hand of God working in so many ways.

I choose to look for the blessing, I choose to live in hope .. a life that is poised in expectancy. There are good things ahead. ... but I will never discover them if I am los tin regret and sadness for the past.

Just Connie

My Friends

Friendship is really important to me. The times in my life when I have flourished the most I have had friendships that not only helped me be me ... but helped me be more than me. There have been seasons in my life when I have not had many friends around me. Those are the times when I have made a concerted effort to grow some friends.

That process of growing friends is challenging. It feels risky and it requires investment and transparency. I have not always done well at that. Sometimes in my hurt I have huddled in my loneliness and refused to risk anything. At other times I have reached beyond my comfort and open my life to other people and when I have ... I have been so blessed.

Last night I met with two people who are so very important to me. I met both of them while I was working at the Mission. One I first came to know as a client and then a friend and then a co-worker. The other I hired as my assistant. Both of them have become trusted confidantes and friends over the years. Last night as we laughed, teased and shared I was so blessed by them. Blessed by how good it felt to be with them, blessed by the deep abiding trust we have for each other and blessed by the love they are willing to share so abundantly.

Today as I have thought back over last night, it still brings a smile to my face. It has also brought to mind the people who do not have these kind of relationships in their lives. How very sad that is. I cannot imagine trying to live by myself. Life is often so hard and so painful I know that I cannot do it without my friends alongside me.

Today I am filled with gratitude for my friends ... the ones I have now and those that are yet to come. You are a precious gift and I never want to take that for granted.

Just Connie

O Christmas Tree!

Over the past weeks I have regretfully come to the conclusion that Christmas as I have always done it was going to be out of my reach this year. After weeks of doctor bills and illness I did not have the money, the time or the energy to  do much in the way of Christmas prep.

I have to admit that decision did not always fill my heart with joy but it seemed to be the mature, responsible decision this year. On Sunday I was surprised with the gift of a tree. I have to admit that it made me happy to think about having a tree up. And then .... I saw the tree. A sadder tree would be hard to find. It was thin and completely flat on one side and had about 10 branches on the entire tree. As I stood there and poked it with my toe, I kept reminding myself that lights and decorations cover a multitude of problems.

Putting aside the cloud of fatigue that has been my companion over the past month, I drug the ladder in and pulled myself up in the attic. And I do mean pull because my ladder is about a foot and a half shorter than it needs to be to get me in the attic. Then the task was to figure out which of the 20 boxes of Christmas things had the decorations for the family room tree. I finally found it and with fear and trembling dropped myself and the box on the top rung of the ladder so I could drag it all downstairs.

Now I had the tree ... I had the decorations ... what more could I possibly need? I should have known it was not going to be that easy. The tree did not fit in the stand. This poor little spindly tree was too small for my tree stand. But my son took pity on me and put it in the stand, brought it in the house and left on his merry way. There was only one small problem ... the whole tree was at a tilt. I tried to straighten it and finally gave up and went ahead and decorated it.

As I stood back and looked at my tree I kept telling myself that it was charming ... wonderful .... but it really was not. It looked like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree. Sighing I went to bed and told myself that it would grow on me. As I popped out of bed in the morning I heard the dreaded sound of breaking ornaments. I ran into the family room to find ... yes .... the tree had fallen over.

Tearfully I took stock of some of the ornaments that had been smashed. My Wedgwood ornament from one of my churches at my 10th Christmas with them. The hand painted, blown glass ornament my cousin gave me the first year I was married ... the list just went on and on. It was too horrible to really take stock of so I went back to trying to get the tree upright again. I tried straightening the tree it would not stand up, I put shims in the stand ... I spent 20 minutes trying to get it upright. All I accomplished was pitch all over my hands, pine needles in my hair and exhaustion. So I did the mature thing. I swept up all the glass I could reach and left the tree on the floor. It has been there for the last 24 hours ... staring at me reminding me that I was beaten by Charlie Brown's Christmas tree.

After careful reflection, I have finally come up with a solution. Tonight I will go home and carefully take all the ornaments off, wind up all the lights  ... and kick that tree to the curb.

I give up!

Just Connie

Today

I am still fighting the lingering effects of my sinus infection. My asthma still flares up at odd times and today I found myself dragging. So I called it quits mid day and came home and spent the afternoon laying on the couch.

Tomorrow I will have to hit the ground running. I have to visit someone in the hospital, finish my sermon, wrap up a fund raising letter, attend a mid day meeting, volunteer at the school and whatever else pops up during the course of the day.

I have a doctor's appointment this week and I am hoping that we can come up with some solutions for my asthma. I think I have been spoiled over the years ... it has never been that much of an issue before. These last 6 months have been  .... concerning ..... sometimes scary and sometimes annoying. So I am motivated to  follow a plan of attack.

Time to call it a day and trundle off to bed ..... It's a day!

Just Connie

Sick and Sick

I finally made the decision to go to the doctor. I always wait until I am very sure that there is a problem that I cannot fix until I go in. Because the reality is that without insurance it costs me $120 to just walk in the door. But I clearly was getting worse, not better after 11 days so in I went.

He found that I was right in that I do have a sinus infection but he also found that I was at 50% lung function. So they did a nebulizer treatment and then checked my lung function again. I could tell that it was easier for me to breath but my lung function was still just over 50%. I went home $260 poorer and with a sack of medications. Also with his warning ringing in my ear about my genetic predispoistion for asthma.

I have actually stayed in bed all day yesterday and today. My head is splitting but I can already tell the difference. The antibiotics are beginning to work. I am still wheezing like an asthmatic pug dog and I am hoping that will get better in the next couple of days. I see the doctor again next week ... sigh. This is not the time of year that I really wanted to spend $400 on medical bills.

But regardless, I am thankful for the ability to pay the doctor and the miracle of antibiotics. And I think that thankful is a very good thing to be ....

Just Connie

Virus

For the last week I have been fighting a virus. It means that my voice comes and goes, I have a world class headache and  a deep hacking cough. This is taking way too much energy and time in a very busy week. I have a lot of writing to do and I am having trouble trying to convince my mind to focus through the cold meds.

Today I came home early from the office and crawled into bed and took a nap. It is now only 7:00 but I am thinking that it is about time for me to go bed. My head hurts and I have no energy at all.

I have to admit that it is hard for me to just unplug and lay low and let my body fight the virus. I would like to think that the world cannot survive without me. But the reality is that it could.

Now I just have to convince myself to do it. Perhaps I will start with sleeping in tomorrow and take it from there.

Now will my body cooperate with that plan ....

Just Connie

Locked In

I sighed and rolled out of bed. My clock said it was 6 am and that meant it was time to get up and get my day started. I blearily stumbled to my bedroom door and turned the doorknob .... nothing happened. I looked down in disbelief at my hand as I jiggled the door knob. For the next 10 minutes I pushed, jiggled and turned the knob trying to get my door opened. The door stayed stubbornly locked.

I began pounding on the door hoping that my son would hear me from his room. I knew I had been successful when I heard him come barreling out of his room ready to shoot the intruders who were trying to break in. I stood there with my head against the door saying, "It's me! It's me! I am locked in my room". His response was  ... "What do you mean, you're locked in?" As I struggled to form a response to that was even slightly socially acceptable, I finally choked out, "Locked in ... like the door will not open".

So for the next 20 minutes he jiggled the door knob from his side and I tried from my side. He finally decided to force it open .... that only put a hole in the door where his shoulder hit it. He finally went in and put his boots on and kicked the door knob until it broke.

I then went and got my screw driver and took the whole door knob assembly off the door so it would not lock me back into my room. As I did that it dawned on me that if I had had a screw driver set in my bedroom I could have avoided a lot of the mornings events. Note to self....  new screw driver set is now on my Christmas List.

Now I need to go shopping for a new bedroom door and a new door knob. Hopefully I will be able to find something that will not decide to arbitrarily lock me into my bedroom.

Hmmm ... I wonder if it was sabotage, do doorknobs take bribes?

Just Connie

Shoveling

I am wet, muddy, tired and sore. I also am filled with a sense of accomplishment. I spent most of the day shoveling gravel ... gravel that is now filling in the plumbing trenches. It is another step forward in finishing our Kitchen Project at the church.

I have to admit that in many ways it is a really nice break to do something that is so finite and measurable as shoveling gravel. You just keep shoveling until the gravel is all gone. It also feels good to do something so physical. I am very glad that I have the ability to still do things like that. I know many men and women my age who would be unable to spend a few hours shoveling wet gravel like that. I guess it makes me feel young .... well while I was doing it. Because right now my body is tired and sore and reminding me that I do not often use those muscles.

So today I will go to bed early and enjoy the good feeling of going to bed tired.

Tomorrow ... there is still a little shoveling to do.

Just Connie

Reminder

I got a reminder yesterday ... of a very painful truth. It is no one's fault .... it is just a reality I like to think is not really there. But yet it is. It is a reality that sits there, squat and ugly and staring me in the face this morning. I do not like, I do not want it ... but there it sits.

So now the question that I am grappling  with "Is there anything I can do about this?" I know that I cannot change other people ... I can only change me. Sometimes that means that relationships are not really the way I want them to be .... the way I long for them to be. Sometimes it means that there is work that I need to do on me. And sometimes it means that I just have to accept the reality that I am faced with.

For now, I am laying at the feet of Jesus. Asking for wisdom, asking for strength ... asking for love enough for even this ....

Just Connie

Sometimes... Now

Sometimes life hurts ... this is one of those times. It just hurts and though I am trying to find the value in feeling these feelings, I have to admit that I do not like it. I do not want to feel this.

But in this hurting I still choose to trust that God loves me.

And for now ... let that be enough.

Just Connie

Weekend With Hayden

I spent the weekend with my grandson, Hayden. I do not often have the opportunity to spend time alone with him. It was wonderful! We played, and ate and went to church together and he reminded me so much of his daddy at that age.

Little Hayden's big thing right now is Spiderman. He is always perching on the edge of things and crawling around like Spiderman. I know if he could, he would also be walking on the ceilings. At one point I told him "no" and out of the corner of my eye I saw him shoot me with web. I know that in his his two year old mind he was seeing his Noni all wrapped up and put away in spiderweb.

I am so thankful for the time I do get to spend with this little guy. How I wish I got to see more of him! But for now I will cherish the moments that I do and work hard to create some more time for him to come and spend with me.

Just Connie

Halloween 2012

Wednesday night was Halloween and that means we had our annual Harvest Carnival Party at the Church. We had an amazing evening.

We had over 400 people come through the church that night. We served hot dogs, cupcakes and lots of candy. The church was filled with happy, happy people and that is a wonderful thing.

This year my assignment was to run the slinky races. It was wild and busy and completely wonderful.

I am thankful for the opportunities we are given to reach out and to love our community. I think this is one of the most important things we do every year.

I can hardly wait until next year ....

Just Connie

The Truth

An integral part of ministry is counseling. I have always enjoyed it and felt it was something that comes naturally for me. However I am always aware that I do not have all the answers and the reality is that counseling is a whole lot of work. Not just for me but for the participants. It usually takes confronting some painful truths and making adjustments.

I have sat on both sides of the counseling desk. As the person walking through the changes and as the counselor guiding them through the changes. Both places have potential pitfalls.

After my husband left counseling was the pivotal point  in my healing. I know first hand the freedom that it can bring as you step into the light of the truth. I also know the pain and sorrow that comes along with it. I have come to realize that you have to feel the feelings to be able to move ahead. That takes courage and strength. For me, I know that I do not have the strength, the wisdom or the courage to do that. It only comes as I give my mind and heart to Christ. It also comes from the other people that join you in the journey. it comes from the counselors, friends and family who walk beside you and keep pointing you to the truth.

And I guess when you get right down to it that is what my job is ... just keep pointing to the truth. Because the truth will set us free.....

Just Connie

Kitchen Project

After two years of planning our church kitchen is finally underway. In just a few short weeks we will have a commercial kitchen space which will expand the possibilities for ministry. So many people have given to bring this project to fruition. I am so thankful for all the hard work, planning and dreaming that has gone into this project. It was a little over a month ago when a group of us met here are the church with sledge hammers and began dismantling the kitchen. For the last few weeks we have lived without a kitchen as we worked with plumbers, electricians and of course country officials to get everything in place.

Now things are finally moving ahead again. The electrician was here today and the plumber came this afternoon. They should finish up their work this week and then we can begin on the sheet rock and painting. Then the cabinets, the appliances and the floor will all be put into place.

This has been one of the most frustrating and the most rewarding projects I  think I have been involved with since I came to Willamina. Frustrating because of the red tape and the difficulties that are always part of it when change is imminent. But God has brought us through step by step ... sometimes kicking and screaming ... but has brought us to this place.

Yesterday afternoon a group of us came, shoveled cement and got the space all cleaned up and ready for today. The amazing thing is that I am not nearly as sore as I thought I would be today which is a blessing I am willing to accept.

I am excited to see what will happen in the next few weeks as we finish this beautiful kitchen and begin to expand our ministry into the community.

There are good things ahead ...

Just Connie

Goober

I am now firmly convinced that I am a goober. Some days I seem to celebrate my "gooberness" more than others. Today was one of those days.

It had been a busy day. I had meetings, writing deadlines and a pile of desk work to wade through. I also had work crews busy in the church. The plumber was there getting ready to begin the plumbing part of the kitchen project and I had another crew putting up shelving in another area. Of course to build the shelves they had to drag everything out and what a collection of stuff they found. Stuff that should have been put away in their proper places, stray parts of plays, sets and costumes, musical equipment ... all kinds of things. So while it was all  out I began sorting through what could be thrown away and what needed to be stored somewhere else.

In the midst of that I had a family come in that needed a food box, so I ran over to the Church Food Bank and filled bags of food for them. Then I went back into the sanctuary and drug the 14 foot ladder in and put away all the things that needed to go up to attic storage. It was with a sense of satisfaction that I went back to my office and finished off some more desk work.

About 4:00 I began to pack everything up to go home and that is when things began to fall apart ... no keys. They were not in my briefcase and not on my desk, they were not in my coat pocket ... they were no where to be found. So I began to tear my office apart. I looked under things, I checked all the drawers in my desk and finally came to the realization that I had absolutely no idea where my keys were.

I wilted when I tried to think back over all the places I had been during the last couple of hours because I had been in every area of the church. But I began to backtrack and search. However .... there were no keys to be found. I finally called the Church Treasurer and asked if he would come and unlock the church office because I could not find my keys anywhere. When he finished laughing he said he would come and help in the search.

As I waited, I remembered that I had taken boxes up to the attic, so up the ladder I climbed and there on the very top .... sat my keys. As I stood there on the ladder I had a sudden memory of laying them on the top of the ladder to heave the box up to the attic. Now why in the world couldn't I have remembered that 30 minutes ago?

As I sat on the top of the ladder I called the Treasurer and told him the lost had been found. He of course found the whole thing highly entertaining ... me not nearly so much. In fact I felt really silly. How in the world could I have laid my keys down and left them there? How in the world could I have been so .... human?

And that was the point that I began to smile. It was pretty ridiculous ... how many people lose their keys on top of a 14 foot ladder? And the laughter began to bubble up as I thought about how very unlikely that was.

The reality is that mistakes are just that and there is a real danger to losing myself in false expectations of perfection. I am human, I will make mistakes and I need to let that be okay. I am what I am ... learning, growing and slowly being transformed into the person God created me to be.

And that is okay with me ....

Just Connie

Project Thoughts

As a pastor I get involved in all kinds of projects. Small projects, big projects, church projects, community projects, school projects ... all kinds of projects. It is always a balancing project in itself to not have too many come due at the same time.

I have been working on a project the last couple of months that is beginning to DRIVE ME NUTS! Some might say that would be a short trip, but I find that I am spending more time feeling frustrated with this project that being blessed. Today I have been facing obstacle after obstacle and now ... people problems.

I think more than anything else people problems suck the life and joy out of me. I know that it is integral part of who I am and my call to pastoral ministry but sometimes .... I confess it tires me. I want people to play nice and get along, to have faith, to have love enough to overlook the slings and arrows of every day life. To extend grace ... imagine how that simple act could change things.

And of course the  hard part is that if I want other people to do that ... I need to do it myself. I need to play nice and get along with the incredibly diverse people that populates my life. I need to have faith in God, faith in other people and faith in myself. I need to love ... and love some more and when I get tired ... I need to love again. As I love, I need choose the gift of grace and let that be the bridge over the hurt, over the differences.

Lord let it be different and let it .... start with me ....

Just Me

Acceptance & Love

Just got done meeting with my fellow pastors and I feel so blessed. Once a month  we gather together and lay down our denominational boundaries and share our hearts with each other. It is always an eclectic mix of laughter and serious discussion. It is one of the few places that you can totally be yourself without fear of rejection.

I think that giving each other the gift to be who we are is a precious gift. Most of us strive to fit into the box. The box we think we should be ... the box of who we think people will love, but it is so freeing when we can just be who we are ... and still be loved.

I hope that I can be that for others. That I can be loving, supportive and meet them right where they are. It is so easy to wrap my expectations and desires around the people I come into contact with ... I have to wonder what would change if I would just let them be who they are?

So I think today I am going to enjoy the gift I was given today and I am going to look for ways to share the acceptance and love I felt in that group with other people.

Imagine a world with more love .... i think I would like that.

Just Connie

Tonight

It has been a long day filled with a lot of stuff that I really did not want to do. But yet things that had to be done ... hard things ... that hurt my heart.

So here the day is nearly done and I am curled up on the couch thinking about this very long day. I have to admit that I am glad that it is behind me. This is not a day I would like to repeat.

But yet I am grateful for the grace and strength God gave me to get me though the challenges of the day. The day was hard, but God was big enough for everything I faced.

Big enough .... for today and big enough for tonight.

Just Connie

Playing Catch Up

I have been playing catch up ... it is the sad reality of taking time off. My desk is still a mess, but I have some of the writing projects done that were due this week. I am having trouble coming to grips with the fact that Fall is not only here it is now in full swing!

With Fall comes a busier schedule and lots of activities. To fill up the empty spots (ha!) we have also completed demolition of the church kitchen and are now ready to actually begin to building process. So we have building going on.

The end of the month we have our annual Harvest Party Carnival for the community. It is a way for us to offer something fun and positive to  the community on Halloween. it is wonderful but it is a huge project and we have between 300-500 kids come through that night. So there is lots to do.

This afternoon  I will meet with the group at the West Valley Community Campus. We are still in the process of applying for our 501-C3. We are getting closer to it all the time. I am excited about working with this great group of people. They are dedicated and talented and this project has so much to offer the community.

Tonight I will meet with the Pastors Cabinet and we will look at where we are as a church and do our monthly check up on where we are.

So in just a little bit I will say goodbye to the mound of paperwork on my desk and head off to the next meeting. This is about the time of the week when I have to remind myself that taking time off really is a good idea.

At least I think it is ....

Just Connie

Hunting 2012

For the first time in over 20 years I went on the annual family hunting trip. I did not realize how much I missed it until I was there. So much had changed since the last time I went with the family. We are hunting in a completely different area, I stayed in a cabin with running water and electricity all big changes. However some things did not change. There was still lots of laughter and love and lots of big gorgeous country.

This photo was taken while bear hunting with my nephew. Most normal people would go sit in a tree and wait for the bear to come to them. Not so in my family, We headed straight up the mountain. Straight up ... and up and up. It reminded me that I am 20 years older than I was the last time I did this. But I have to admit that it was a lot of fun .. and the scenery just breathed peace into my soul.

I was very glad that my nephew let me tag along with him and that he was patient with my much slower pace. It was great to spend time with him, great to be out in such a beautiful place and great to challenge myself a bit. I am already planning next year's trip.

 

Next time I think I will take the whole two weeks to be with them. I am pretty sure that I can bear with my family for two whole weeks. Now can they bear with me for two whole weeks?

 

Just Connie

Deer Hunting

I have spent the last two days in a flurry of packing and preparation. Tomorrow morning bright and early I pull out to spend a week with my family deer hunting.

Deer hunting in my family is a huge gathering ... aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews ... everybody comes. It is a time to enjoy being together and enjoy being outdoors. It is less about the deer and more about being family. I have not been able to be with the family for the annual hunting trip for almost 20 years.

Tonight I am staying with mom and dad helping them pack the last of their gear for a two week trip. Then we will begin the long trek to Eastern Oregon. I am looking forward to be with my family and looking forward to getting to know the new area they are hunting in since I used to go with them.

I have to say there is also a little bit of nervousness. I do not spend much extended time with  my family and sometimes I have to admit that I feel like an outsider. But still I am choosing to look for ways to connect and to let my family know that they are important to me.

Because they are important to ome and I love them ... and that is enough.

Just Connie

Hope Puppy

One of the joys of my backpacking trip was Hope Puppy. She was constant entertainment. She not only carried her own pack full of supplies, she was game to walk logs over creeks, follow me up rocks and still have enough energy to chase a few sticks.

I am so glad for the gift of love and companionship she has brought into my life. She makes my life better and richer in so many ways.

Just Connie

Phantom Bridge

Almost 4 years ago my friend Debbie lost her valiant fight against cancer. With her passing I lost a friend, hiking partner, confident and co-worker.

There are so many things I miss about her. Her humor, her certainty that she was right, and her absolute love of her friends and family.

One of the long standing jokes between us was Phantom Bridge. A place that she hiked to as a young girl and a place that she tried to find to take us over and over again. We probably went on search about 5 times a season. Over the years we began to call it Deb's "mythical place". When she passed away we still had not found it and I so wished we could have done that together.

Last Friday my backpacking group found Phantom Bridge. As I hiked to the top I was filled with a renewed sense of how much I missed Debbie. I stood there and gazed out over the misty hills and thought of her.

I think there will always be a Debbie sized hole in my life but I think it is not the hole that is important. It is the many ways that she added to my life.

Her life changed me and I guess when you think about it, that is the best tribute of all.....

Just Connie

Backpack 2012

Here is our group at the trail head ready to begin our trip. This year we had 4 children hiking with us. Ages 9, 7, 7 and 4.

Hiking with young children added a new complexity to the entire experience as well as a new richness. It was so much fun to point things out on the trail and to see them experiencing things for the very first time.

It also challenged me to be stronger and more together to make sure they were protected and that it was a good experience for them.

We saw some incredible beauty and I feel so fortunate that we could see what so few people get to experience for themselves. It was worth the sweat, the dirt and the sore muscles.

I have to say that hiking with the kids was entertaining. I do not remember when I have laughed so much. To see them catch their first fish and their reactions was sheer delight.

We are already planning next year's hike. I think I will spend a few days writing about some of our experiences on the trail.

It was a wonderful trip but I am glad to be home.

Just Connie

Projects Ahead

I have been away from my blog for a while. Things were very busy and then I got sick. It seems that I have had little energy to do much of anything. However, I am beginning to feel like I am pulling the pieces back together again since I have some rather big projects to get done.

Project 1
One of them is my office. I finally have bookcases!!!! Now I need to haul in the boxes and unpack them. For over three years I have had all my office stuff packed in boxes in the shop at the house. So now I am grabbing a couple of boxes everyday and trying to get them unpacked and put away. That has been challenging but I have two big boxes in my car today that I will bring into the office before I go home for the day. So the project is moving ahead.

Project 2
I still have all of my sister's things stacked in my front room. It all needs to be sorted and stored. I need to get that done before the end of the month. I have to admit that I am tired of not being able to use the front room. I find it not only to be a tough job, it is very emotional for me as I sort through a large part of her life. It brings back how much I miss her so clearly. So I find myself putting off just wading into it and getting it done. But it is time to get 'er done,

Project 3
Over the 9 months my son has lived me, his "stuff" has overflown every area. One of the things I do every day when I get home from work is to walk around the house and pick up his clothes, his dishes, his laundry and other various and sundry items and  put them in his bedroom. But on of the areas I have not kept up on is the garage and it is now officially a mess. I love my son, but he is an archaeologists dream ... he leaves a trail everywhere he goes. He is also a pack rat, so it is past time to ride herd on his stuff in the garage and get things put away.

Of course besides these projects I also have house cleaning to do, sermons to write, counseling appointments, visitation and all kinds of meetings. Besides the work, there are also friends to see and hopefully some camping to get done as well.

Now if I can just get my energy level to keep  up with the projects ....

Just Connie

Vacation Bible School 2012

 As a busy pastor I do not get much of a chance to be with the children of the church and the community. But each year during Vacation Bible School I get to dance, sing and play with the children.

This year has been wonderful and I have so enjoyed this chance to do something beyond my normal role.

I believe that I have the very best job in the world!

Just Connie

Camping and Coyotes

I lay in the tent sick, sick, sick from a reaction to a bee sting. I had finally drifted off to sleep when I was suddenly awakened by a horrible scream. I sat up searching for the flashlight in the dark as the coyotes began to yip and howl. As my heart rate began to come back to normal I realized that the coyotes had taken down something just yards from my tent.

By then Hope Puppy was barking and growling, I tried to pacify her as I settled back down in my sleeping bag. She laid next to me and growled as I tried to get my complaining body comfortable. It was only about 5 minutes later when I realized that I had to "HAD TO" make my way back to the outhouse. I unzipped the tent and stepped into the darkness with my flashlight and that is when ..... my flashlight died. Carrying  the flashlight like a club I tried to make my way in the moonless night. it was about then that Hope began growling. I put my hand on her collar as I made my way up the hill looking for the gleam of coyote eyes as I walked. I dragged Hope with me every step of the way.

I have to admit that it was about then that I began to wonder about the wisdom of my plan of camping by myself. As I shakily made my way back to the tent, I kept looking in the dark as I pulled Hope still growling back to the tent. I was flooded with relief as I zipped the tent back up.

As I settled back into my sleeping bag I was filled with the absolute sense of how ridiculous my situation was. Sick, by myself and circled by coyotes .... when were the locusts going to arrive? I whispered another prayer as I pulled Hope Puppy close to me.

As the sun began to come up I finally drifted back to sleep. And somehow everything seemed better in the light of day.

It has got me to thinking about how helpless we often feel in the dark times, it can be hard to see solutions and sometimes the fear is debilitating. but in the presence of the light everything changes. The hidden becomes clear and fear is destroyed.

More than ever, I want to walk in the light and I want the presence of the light to go with me ... even in the dark times.

"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”   John 8:12

Just Connie

Attack of the Killer Bee

The pain was quick and sharp, followed by a burning sensation. I frantically swatted at my face and that was when I realized I had just been stung by a bee. Not being too concerned I got a cold cloth, checked in the mirror to make sure the stinger was out and took some benedryl.

Looking in the mirror at my swelling face I told myself I was a baby and a whiner and decided to go for a short walk. About half way across the field I got tired and shaky. I sat down and told myself I was getting old and headed back to camp.

During the course of the day I was tired, shaky and did not feel real good, but I was dedicated to my plan of relaxing and tried to go on with a normal day. At dusk as the mosquitoes began to get vicious I decided to take my book and the lantern in the tent and read myself to sleep. About midnight I woke up sick, sick, sick. Over the next 6 hours I shivered and shook as my body rid itself of anything I had ingested from the last month or so.

In the early morning light I finally fell asleep for a couple hours. I woke up feverish and feeling kind of miserable. Over the next few hours I slowly packed up my camp. It was slow because I would pack a few things and then lay down, pack a few more things and lay down. But finally everything was packed and I drove home and crawled into bed.

By Monday I knew I needed to see the doctor. I knew because my nagging mother insisted on it not because I was smart enough to figure it out. But I was not really surprised to find out I was having a systemic allergic reaction to the bee sting from the doctor. I was surprised though to find out I also had a raging infection at the site of the bee sting.

So here I am on a couple of days bed rest and a pile of medications to treat both the allergic reaction and the infection. I have to admit that it feels good to lay low this afternoon.

So I guess the question is what did I learn from this? I would say that I learned my mother is always right, but I certainly would not want to give her that kind of ammunition. So I guess I will be looking for other life lessons in the experience.

Got any insight for me?

Just Connie

Camping Images

Hope enjoying meadow fun

My tent and camping spot

one of my horse friends

More horse friends

Port Townsend

I just got back from a trip .... an 800 mile trip. It is really unusual for me to take a trip by myself. I just have not got in the habit of traveling on my own. But I was asked over a year ago to officiate a wedding in Port Townsend Washington. I said yes, not understanding that as the date came closer, the distance seemed farther and farther away. And I got more and more nervous.

But Friday I packed up the car and headed north ... 6 hours north to be exact. Port Townsend was beautiful. I have to say that I felt very adventurous to be out on my own. I actually found my way to Port Townsend without problems and then made it across town to the park where the wedding was going to be at.

I was stunned by the beauty of Port Townsend and was amazed at how different it was from Willamina. Everywhere you looked there were beautiful gardens and sparkling vistas of water.

I have to admit that I am glad that I pushed myself to make the effort to go. It awakened in me the desire to do some traveling on my own. I really think I could design some inexpensive trips that would allow me to push the boundaries that I have drawn around myself for the last 4 years.

There is a whole world out there just waiting for me.

Am I brave enough to discover it?

Just Connie

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Independence Day. Besides it being our country's birthday, it is a very very busy day for me. It will begin by reporting to Fendall Hall at 6:00 in the morning to help the Kiwanis serve breakfast.

Then I will head to the church where I will help set up the booths for the town celebration. The church sells elephant ears, hot dogs and soda every year. It raises ministry money for the entire year. This year we will also have a couple of new booths so there will be a lot of set up to do.

At 11:00 I will head to the park for the Kiss the Pig finale. The "winner" of the contest will kiss the pig. We have raised over a thousand dollars to help build the playground at the pond, so it will be worth it. I met the pig today .... I guess I have kissed worse.

Following that it is back to the church to work the booths and to decorate the float for the parade. By the time we finish it will be time to report to the parade grounds to line up for the parade. And then  ... parade time which is always lots and lots of fun.

By the time the parade is done, it is time to head to the church and get everything cleaned up. Following that I will have just enough time to drive home, grab a blanket and head to the stadium for the town fireworks.

I know it will be a busy, exhausting and wonderful day.

I can hardly wait!

Just Connie

Overnight Camping Trip

My Tent and Walking Stick
I snuck away and went camping overnight. Here are some photos of the trip.




Hope Puppy Enjoying Everything

 I had a wonderful time. I did a lot of reading, a little napping and even got a couple of hikes in.

All in all it was a wonderful trip and I am very glad I made the effort to get away.

My Son's Dog Exploring Underwater Life

Citizen of the Year

I beat a fast retreat from my conference and headed to my next commitment. It was time for our annual Chamber of Commerce Dinner and this year we were meeting at a local farm for barbeque. I gathered up the dishes I had cooked the night before and joined my fellow Chamber members.

The sun was trying to peak out from behind the clouds that had delivered rain all day as I loaded my plate with food. As I looked around I realized how these people had become friends over the past three years. I had worked alongside them, laughed with them and been challenged by them.

The Chamber President and Treasurer stood and called us to order. It was time for our annual Chamber Awards given to those who have excelled in the community during the past year. I listened and applauded as our local Restaurant Coyote Joes was given "Restaurant of the year" award. I enthusiastically applauded in agreement as Mary Jane Hollinger was given the Volunteer of the year award. Then it was time for the Citizen of the Year award given to someone who has excelled in serving the community and promoting community events and activities. I listened as they began to list the qualities they saw evidenced in the award winner and I could not imagine who this paragon was. It was in complete disbelief that I finally realized they were calling my name.

Embarrassed and in disbelief I stumbled forward and managed to stammer my thanks. I am still in a state of shock. I really do not feel that I have done anything outstanding. I have just done what I have wanted to. I still do not think I deserve it .... but I am so very grateful for their good wishes.

I want my life to make a difference and maybe just maybe .... I am doing something right.
Just Connie

Another Year

I waited with anticipation to hear my name called. I was with about 300 people at our Annual Conference. After some inspiring messages and reports it was finally time to hear the appointments called for the coming year. I stood as my name was called ... assigned for another year to the Willamina Free Methodist Church.

As I look back over the past 4 years I am filled with such a sense of awe and gratitude. God has restored my life in ways that I could never have even been brave enough to dream. To be in pastoral ministry is all I have ever wanted to do. I truly am living the dream.

I never want to take ministry for granted. I want to continue to see it as a precious gift and an incredible privilege. I believe that I have the best job in the world. I have a chance to make a difference and that is in incredible  way to live.

My prayer is that as I step into another year of ministry that I will never lose sight of the joy and the certainty of the call. There are good things ahead ...

Just Connie

Sermon Day Thoughts

Sermon Day ... I love my study and sermon day. I always have this vision of how it should be. Soft music playing in the background, prayer and reflection, quiet meditation on God's Word. However, reality seldom fits that wonderful picture in my mind.

Today began with a wonderful walk around the pond with Hope Puppy and the ladies. Feeling refreshed I headed back to the church to study and reflect. And that is about the time the first visitor came. And I have to say that the rest of the day seemed to go that way.

It was busy, eclectic and yet still God spoke to me and little by little the sermon began to take shape. It is always an amazing process to me as a sense of rightness begins to resonate in the words. By 4:00 the sermon was e-mailed to the sound people, the web guy and the office staff.

Now I will be able to reflect on it throughout the week and prepare for Sunday ... I love Mondays.

Just Connie

Glad for Sundays

There are those Sunday's that stand out from the others. Today was like that for me. Of course some of it might have been because I had been gone the last two weeks. But even given that, today was amazing.

First of all the Superintendent was there today and his preaching was inspiring and challenging. I am so blessed by the godly man that he is. He has been supportive and accepted me as I am. He has helped to walk me through some very dark days. I am grateful not just for all the things he has done for me, but for the man he is.

Secondly, we officially installed the former pastor of the congregation as Pastor Emeritus. That was a wonderful opportunity to recognize not only the years of ministry he has given to the church but to recognize the continued call of God in his life.

Thirdly, I was able to introduce my ministerial candidate to the superintendent. I am so excited to see what God is going to be doing in his life in the months and days ahead. It is exciting to walk with him as he continues to explore his call to the ministry.

Fourthly, the music and worship today was wonderful. I am so very grateful for all of our talented musicians that help to usher our hearts to the throne of God every Sunday.

It is so good to be back and today prepares me for the rest of the week. How glad I am for Sundays!

Just Connie

Old Friends

There is something so wonderful about being with people who have known you for years. The shared history seems to  infuse the conversation with joy and  anticipation. Yesterday I got to spend a few hours with some people who have known me for a long time.

We laughed and teased and it was just all so very comfortable to be together. It is good to know people who remember the good times and have walked you through the bad times. Being with them was a balm to my heart.

I came away from my time with them energized and blessed. It was a good reminder of how important friends are and how important it is for me to carve out the time to be with them.

I need to do this again soon ....

Just Connie

Six Years

It was six years ago that my life forever changed when my sister Delinda was killed on her way to work. There are parts of the days that followed that are etched very clearly in my memory.

I remember the long, long drive from Seattle where I got the news. I do not think any drive ever took so long. I remember the agony of waiting in my parents living room the morning of her funeral until it was time to leave for the service. I remember that I could not sit still, I found myself pacing the floor and trying to somehow keep myself breathing evenly when what I wanted was to throw myself on the bed and scream in agony. I remember driving to the cemetery and seeing the bagpiper at the entrance playing Amazing Grace. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach as I strove to hold the sobs in. I remember staying at the cemetery with my nephew as we watched the casket being slowly lowered into the grave. We stood there as an honor guard as she was laid to rest.

The other thing I remember is the Delinda sized hole that was left in my life. That memory is still as fresh today as it was six years ago. Nothing can take the place of her love of life, her creativity and her love for her family. I wish that I had had more time with her, I wish that I had not wasted so much of the time that I was given.

I wish ....

Just Connie

People

Sometimes ..... people just do not understand. And it seems that the people I want to understand the most ... just do not. That lack of understanding creates a dissonance between us that I can feel in a very real tangible way. And sometimes it is downright painful.

I feel that pain today. Evaluated and judged .... that is not a comfortable feeling. But I guess it comes down to doing what I feel is right. Do I have the faith to move ahead without the applause and approbation of others?

"In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." Ephesians 6:16

I guess it is a reminder that I am not called to please people, I am called to please God and when God is pleased with me .... nothing can ever hold me back.

Time to move ahead ....

Just Connie 

Fog Bank

I have spent the last few days thinking, praying and trying to sort out my chaotic emotions. Knowing that there are things to learn as I walk though this is one thing .... trying to figure out exactly what I am feeling and learning is another. But as I have taken the time to pull back and be quiet I think I am beginning to sort some things out.

Sometimes walking though the hard times is like walking through a fog bank. Everything is indistinct, hard to make out and cloaked in wet clingy misery. I sometimes feel as if I am stumbling around looking for a familiar landmark, looking for something that will point the way out.

But the thing that I absolutely know is that the fog will not last forever. The sunlight will break through the fog. I know it and I choose to live in the knowledge, the joy and the freedom that hope brings.

"weeping may last for the night time, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalm 30:5

I know that morning will come ....

Just Connie

Heart Hurt

My heart hurts. It is an ever present hurt that feels like a great weight pressing down on me. I would love to be able to just shrug this off and go on, but yet I know that grief is a process. I have to walk through this one step at a time. There are no shortcuts and I cannot ignore it. It is what it is.

So I will take another step forward and allow myself to "feel the feelings" God created me to feel. Those very feelings warn and inform me. They warn me of potential danger and inform me of things about my life and about me.

I know that not only will I get through this, but there is joy ahead. I know this because God promises it and He has proven it to me over and over again.

So I will take one more step in the dark, knowing that the light is yet ahead of me.

Just Connie

Rejection

Rejection is a familiar enemy to me. Because of my life experiences I know that it is an especially tender point for me. Sometimes I find myself walking cautiously because of my fear of rejection. Sometimes it springs on me  when I least expect it.

I came home from women's retreat yesterday tired, but peaceful. I curled up on the couch with my laptop and  began to scroll through all the news and updates from the weekend. As I scrolled though, a photo suddenly jumped out at me and I gasped in shock. That photo told a story I did not want to hear. A story of a choice that not only  was not "for me", but completely and absolutely excluded me.

I sat there stunned as the tears rolled down my face. The hurt welled up and made me want to wail in agony. As I struggled to rein in the hurt, I searched for a reason, an explanation ... and I found none.

As I have worked to come to grips with this today I have to say that the hurt of this still takes my breath away. It is an ever present ache as I move through the day. I would love to find a way to turn off the pain, but I know that what I am feeling is important. I think there is value in feeling the feelings. There are things that I can learn even in this.

I just wish .... it did not hurt so much.

Just Connie

Retreat Thoughts

I came back from retreat, happy and relaxed. It was a wonderful time with the women and a wonderful time with God. I spent some time in silent meditation high on the hill above the river. As I sat there I saw this dandelion. It was beautiful.

One of the things that struck me was all the different individuals pieces that make up a dandelion. Without even one of them there is a hole in the perfect spherical beauty. Nothing can fill the hole that is left.

It was a reminder that for all of us women how important each one of us is. Without even one there is a hole that nothing else can fill.

Unique, beautiful and important ....

I think that is probably a pretty timely reminder.

Just Connie

Packed and Ready

All my bags are packed ... I'm ready to go .... it is that time of year again. In just a few minutes I will be off to the Annual Women's Retreat at Aldersgate. This is always a good time to be together and laugh and get to know each other in ways that we do not have time to in the rush and bustle of everyday life.

So for the next three days I will bunk with a couple hundred other women, recreate and listen to what God has to say to me through this experience.

yes ... I think this will be a good time and good things will happen.

Just Connie

Fishing Thoughts

Our fishing trip yesterday was  exciting. I thought I would  share some of the reality of that nice peaceful evening with my son and Hope Puppy.

We got to our friends farm and unloaded the car and hiked out to the pond. It was hot in the sun but I found a nice shady spot to set up my chair. As I was getting settled, my son made his first cast out to the pond. A nice little "plunk" was followed by a great huge splash as Hope Puppy jumped in to retrieve the lure. Tony was yelling, "you are scaring the fish", I was hollering" don't hook my dog!" And Hope puppy was swimming like mad. But she finally heeded me in all the commotion and swam back to me, where she immediately soaked me as she shook herself off.

My son headed to the other side of the pond and I wet but laughing, got the worm on my hook and made a beautiful cast out in the middle of the pond. I settled back in my chair and pulled my book out as I sat in total contentment by the pond. Before very long my son had a small mouth bass on his line ... and I mean small! If you look close you can see it in his right hand.

By that time my line had drifted and it was time for me to reel in and cast back out. I drew my pole back, released and ...... cast right into the tree above me. Taking pity on me my son hiked back around the pond and helped me disentangle my line from the tree. As we worked on it, I tried telling him I was fishing for the tree trout but he was not buying it.

Finally we got the line out of the tree (minus hook, swivel and weights) and I put new hook and bait on my line and cast back out. In a little while I had a bite and as I reeled it in, I realized to my horror that I had hooked a salamander. As I shouted for my son, Hope Puppy was barking at the excitement and ... splash ... she was back in the pond. By then we were all yelling, My son at the dog, me calling for help and of course Hope barking in excitement. But finally, my son came over and took the poor salamander off the hook and I once again put fresh bait on my line and cast back into the pond.

I spent the rest of the time quietly reading my book and trying to keep my line in the middle of the pond where there was less chance of hooking another salamander. I only fished for tree trout one more time before we left. To wrap up our evening I threw the stick in the pond for Hope Puppy and she dove in after it. We spent a happy 15 minutes watching her chase he stick into the pond. Then we hiked back to the car and loaded the wet muddy dog, the tackle and gear into the car.

As I have thought about our evening I have to admit that it makes me smile. It was a lot of fun and you know I discovered something... tree trout are a lot easier to clean.

Just Connie