Peace & Fear

Today I took positive steps to address the fear I have been fighting with. I went shopping for security cameras and security lights. I looked at more lights than I imagined were even available and enjoyed a day with friends. At the end of the day I had picked out the security lighting system  I needed and borrowed a security camera to use for a couple of weeks.

So tonight I have the camera running and it will pick up any activity in my yard after dark. Tomorrow I will head into town and get blinds for my family room window. I will also buy the security light that I have picked out.

All in all, this was an important day. I am facing a problem and I have made positive steps to address it. That is a good feeling. I have done what I needed to do and now I need to leave it in God's hands. Because this is the point that "worry" can slip in.

I refuse to give up my sense of peace. I have had so much taken from me over the years, I refuse to allow myself to be robbed of anything else.

So tonight I will wrap peace around me like a blanket, snuggle into it and curl up in front of the fire with a good book.

Now, that is a good idea ...

Just Connie

Fear

I have come to a realization this past week. I have really like living without fear. Fear had been such a ever present part of the 10 years of my marriage that I did even fully realize how horrible and how  pervasive it was ... until it was gone. To live without fear is a precious thing.

I have not liked the reappearance of fear into my life. I find myself living on edge as I evaluate each noise and check and recheck every lock. I find myself that living this way is rather exhausting. I just want to go bed and sleep through the rest of it.

I am working hard to not be governed by the fear I am feeling. Instead I am letting fear be an advisor. It is telling me something important. I need to listen and take appropriate steps. But that is not all that life holds. There is joy and ministry to be experienced and embraced. I need to not let it get choked out by the fear.

So I am listening to the counsel of wise friends and taking some steps to protect myself. Tomorrow I will be looking a security lighting system that will light things up if someone is lurking around in the area. I am also buying blinds for the windows I have never bothered to cover since they look out onto the forest. And I am keeping the house locked up.

All of those are positive steps to take, now it is time to trust. I need to trust God to do His part. To strengthen me .... and to give me wisdom and protection. There  are things for me to learn in all of this, I if I will allow it. And if I do not get so caught up in the fear that there is nothing else left.

I am trusting ....

The Nature of Fear

I stood in the field with the garbage bag in my hand. all around me was a myriad of beer bottles, beer cans and trash. As I began to pick them up I moved to the clear spot in the center. As I stood there I came to a terrible realization, the only thing you could see standing in that spot was my house and my family room.

As that realization came to me, fear flooded through me. I quickly picked up the rest of the trash and hurried back in the house. As I stood inside I tried to think of who would stand in the field and drink and watch the house. I did not like the answer that kept popping to mind. I could only think of one person ... and that really scared me.

Tonight I am sitting in front of the fire ... thinking about the nature of fear. Fear is given to us to warn and inform us. It was given so that we could make choices that would protect and nurture us. So as I acknowledge my fear I realize that what was given to me to protect me, could actually paralyze me if I let it run out of control/

So I have let the fear guide me to some choices. I alerted my leadership team so they could pray, I am choosing to lock up and make safe choices. I will install a motion detector in the back of the house which will alert me to something prowling around. And with those decisions I can go to bed tonight knowing that I have acted on the warnings I have been given. And in that there is peace.

God is big enough for this ...

Just Connie

Garbage

I had a very uncomfortable encounter yesterday. I happened to see a man standing in the field behind my house, throwing garbage in my yard. When I opened the window and asked him if there was a problem, he told me to stop throwing my beer bottles into his field. I started laughing and told him I didn't even drink. That is when he basically called me a liar. It was at that point that I shut the window and picked up the phone, thinking I might need to call the police. When he saw me with the phone he left.

But I was left with a really icky feeling. As I have thought about it, I have come to realize a couple of things. First of all, I really do not like the thought of anyone drinking back there and throwing their beer bottles around. Second of all I really hate the thought that someone thought it was me!

As I have thought about how to resolve this I realize that I have pretty limited options. But there is one thing I can do, when I get home today I can take a garbage bag out in the field and pick up all the garbage. I did not make the mess, but I can help solve the problem. If nothing else I will know that I have done something positive instead of just complaining.

But complaining would be so much easier .....

Just Connie

My Day

It has been frosty cold for the last few days. It warmed up just enough today to rain .... and now it is in the process of freezing again. I expect a frozen world when I wake up in the morning. A reminder that even though we have not had much snow this winter ... it is still winter.

So on this frosty cold day I have been busy. I got my sermon done and sent to all the appropriate people. I had four drop in visitors and when the rain began I headed home to beat the ice. Since I have been home I have counseled a heart broken young woman ,spoke with a former parishioner whose husband is dying and made plans for a funeral service.

All in all an eclectic and busy day, in many aspects a challenging day. But it is also one of those days that I am very sure that I am doing the job that God has called me to do. There was a sense of rightness as I maneuvered through the different activities, even the difficult ones. A rightness that is still with me tongiht as I reflect on the day.

And that is a very good feeling ...

Just Connie

Boxes

My living room has been full of boxes for months. Most of them were items belonging to my sister and delivered to me after her death. I would work on sorting them for a while and then get sad and overwhelmed and walk away. For the last several months while I have been ill, I have not touched the boxes at all. So there they ....  a silent reproach every time I walked by.

Today I hired a friend to come and work alongside me for two hours. We got a lot done in two hours. We carried about 10 boxes to the attic and got them stored away. I have some papers and things to put away before we can sort some more but we made good headway.

Tonight I am tired, but I feel that I have actually moved ahead and that feels pretty good.

Hooray for friends!

Just Connie

Lesson

I am sitting on the couch in front of the fire with Hope Puppy. She has her head on my lap as I am trying to type this. Every once in a while she lifts her head and tries to lick my face. I keep telling her "no kisses"! She does not seem to be very impressed ... but she does seem happy. She knows what she needs and she is not afraid to ask for it.

I do not find it nearly so easy to ask for the things I need. I seem to have an underlying thought that I am required to do life"  on my own. The reality is that I know that I cannot do it alone. But yet, it is so hard to ask ....

I have to wonder if it is a kind of false pride that keeps me from asking? I do not want to seem weak or needy ... or whiny. In truth there are times that I am weak, times that I am needy and plenty of times I feel whiny. I guess it comes down to honesty. Am I willing to be honest with others? Honest about my needs .... that seems really scary, and yet really important.

 I guess I have some tyhings to learn from Hope Puppy, she is a good model for this.

Let's see whose lay should I go and lay my head on?

Just Connie

Monday Reality

Mondays ... they are my sermon and study days. I always have this picture in my mind of how it is going to be. Soft music playing, quiet contemplation and prayer ... but it seems that the reality never works out quite that way. Today was no exception.

First thing this morning, I swung by the post office and picked up the pile of church mail. I got to the church and carried briefcase, purse and mail in with Hope Puppy jumping up and down around me. Since the inevitable happened and I dropped all of the mail in  rainy street. I then got get down on my hands and knees int he rain and pick up all of the sodden pieces of mail out of the water and mud. Hope Puppy thought this was a wonderful game and kept dashing in and sticking her cold wet nose in my face. But I finally got it all picked up and  struggled into the office and began to get settled. I pulled out my breakfast and a bottled water and proceeded to eat breakfast at my desk while I sorted the mail and listened to phone messages. With that done I began to clear off the flotsam from Sunday while I fielded a string of phone calls. I finally pulled out my computer and reached for my bible to begin my sermon prep ... no bible. So then I went on the search to see where I had left it during Sunday morning activities. I finally found it on the worship leaders music stand where I could suddenly remember placing it at the end of my sermon as I led the closing song.

I finally sat down with my bible and began reading and thinking. Just about the time I was ready to put some thoughts down on paper, I got my first drop in visitor of the day. By the time I waved her on her way the morning was disappearing quickly. But I picked p my scattered threads of thought and finally got back to it. And that was when the shrill sound of the tile saws began. It seems that the work crew had come to lay tile in the new kitchen. Rejoicing that the project was moving ahead I worked to tune out the noise and get back to the sermon. That is when the next visitor dropped in. Sighing I put everything away and dealt with the problems my visitor shared.

I no sooner waved him on his way and began to settle back into study mode when the phone began to ring, and ring and ring. one phone call after another. And that is how the rest of the day went. Between visitors and phone calls I slowly chipped away at the sermon ... until it was done. Finally! I printed it, e-mailed it to the sound team, the web guy, and my worship leader with the closing song. Then I created the outline for the bulletin and and e-mailed it to the church office. All the time answering phone calls and visitor questions.

But at last I pushed send for the last piece, threw my computer in my briefcase, grabbed Hope Puppy and ran out the door before anyone else could come in search of me. As I think about it this was probably a more normal sermon prep day than the one I dream about.

Now I have a couple of hours to eat and relax before I have to be back at the church for a counseling session. ...

Yep this is a pretty normal Monday.

Just Connie

De -Christmasing Afternoon

I worked hard today. In fact a small group of us worked hard today. This was the day that we took down the Christmas decorations at the church. That means there were eight trees, lights and decorations to take down and stow away.

That sounds pretty easy, but the truth is that everything has to go up in the attic of the church. That means you not only have to carry all the boxes down but then you have to carry it back up the ladder and drag it into the proper storage space. That is further complicated by all the other "stuff" that is up there getting in the way.

But after two and a half hours we actually got every put away,  stored in the attic and even got the floors vacuum,ed and the fellowship hall set up for church tomorrow. That was a wildly successful afternoon.

I have to admit though this is not one of my favorite tasks, I really like working side by side with my church family. They bless my heart and lighten the load I carry. When I spend time with them, I am blessed, I feel loved and I leave encouraged.

Yep .... this was a great way to spend an afternoon.

Just Connie

Dryer Lessons

I tried to tune out the screeching sounds coming from my dryer … but the shrill sound cut through all too clearly. I tried rocking the dryer and redistributing the load. I tried everything I could think of, and yet still it screeched on and on and on. Coming to the end of my very limited knowledge of dryers I gave up and turned the TV volume up, but over the following weeks, the sound just got worse. Realizing that the dryer was winning this fight, I spoke with Dan, my fount of knowledge of all things mechanical who came to take a look at the problem. He turned the dryer on and listened to the repertoire of screeches it had developed and decided that he really needed to take a look inside.

 Pulling the dryer out from the wall was my first “oh no” moment. Lint, cobwebs, dog hair, dirt and a variety of things that had fallen behind the dryer over the years was piled up behind the dryer. I grabbed a broom and a spray bottle and got to work on it as Dan tipped the dryer over. That is when I got my second “Oh no” moment as the chiming of falling coins against the side of the dryer rang out. As Dan began to take the dryer apart I got my third “oh no” moment because the inside of my dryer was full of lint and ick. I began to vacuum and clean anything I could get  to as Dan took piece after piece off my dryer. With the dyer pieces spread out around us, Dan called me over to take a look.  I got my fourth and final “oh no” moment at that point. Even though I know nothing about dryers and dryer parts, even I could tell that the belt running around the top of the drum was worn out and in pieces. As Dan put the dryer back together again, I wrote down model and serial numbers so I could order parts. There was hope in sight for the end of the screeching.

As I have thought about my dryer I have come to realize that there are life lessons for me to learn in all of this. First, it is good to pull things out every once in a while and take a look at it. Just like there were hidden problems behind the dryer, there could be things hidden in my own life that need cleaning out. Secondly, I need to be careful of what I put into my life. In the same way that the loose change could have damaged the workings of the dryer, I need to watch for things that could harm me and make sure that what I put into my life is healthy for body, mind and spirit. Thirdly, there are times that what is old and broken needs to be discarded just like the broken part of the dryer.. Habits and attitudes that are causing problems, I need to find uplifting replacements for what is broken and unusable. Fourthly, I need to remember that ignoring a problem does not make it go away, sometimes the problem gets worse, just like my screeching dryer.

I am also reminded that this year stretches before me an unwritten book. If God can teach me life lessons with my broken dryer, imagine the other things I  might learn this year as my story is written.

 

Just Connie

Phone

New Phone! New Phone! I am so excited for the gift I recieved from my parents.  I have really missed having a smart phone. After 4 years without one, I finally got an android. I still  have a lot of programming to do and have not even begun to enter the calendar information yet. But it does not feel like a chore at all. I am enjoying all of it.

This new phone will allow me to carry my calendar on the phone, have Internet access and probably a lot of other things that I have not even discovered it can do yet.

I am thankful for what technology can do to extend ministry possibilities as well as simplify many of the things that I am already juggling like multiple calendars.

Thank you Lord for this very material blessing that will make my life and ministry easier.

Just Connie

Learning Lessons

Today marks 4 years since I quietly crept away in the middle of the night from a drunk and angry man. That means I am beginning my 5th year of living alone. These years by myself have taught me a lot of things. I have to admit that many of the lessons I have learned I would have preferred to not learn ... things like mowing my lawn and fighting the mice battle on my own.

There have been other lessons that I have learned. One of them is asking for help for when I need it. I have to admit that I am still learning this. It is very hard for me to do. I do not always do this very well. I guess that means I will probably need more practice over this next year. Another thing I have struggled with is learning to go places by myself. There are still a lot of things I do not do because I do not want to do them alone. I have seen two movies in the past  5 years because it is something I just cannot face doing all by myself. I think perhaps I need to do a better job of asking people to do things with me.

I know this year will be full of lessons to be learned. Some of them I will be glad of and others I would like to avoid. But the reality is that all of these lessons will teach me things. I am hoping that as I begin this new year I will do a better job of embracing the lessons as they come.

Imagine a year with less complaining and more learning ... now that would be a great year.

Just Connie

Unwritten Book

2013 is a  unwritten book ... blank pages stretching out in front of me. The story of the year will slowly unfold day by day as I live life in the days ahead. The thing I have discovered is that the year never goes as I think it will. I know there will be sorrow and loss. There will also be joy and lessons to be learned.

I know that much of how I experience the year will  be dependent on the attitude I greet each day with. This year I would like to put aside the attitudes that can hold me back from living fully each page of this new book that I am writing. That means I need to be willing to let go of attitudes that hold me back and embrace those things that fill my life with the goodness that God has for me.

That means instead of fear, I need to live in the confidence that comes from trusting God. Instead of loneliness, I need to see the love that is all around me, and to dare to love freely in return. Instead of tears, I want to choose joy.

My prayer is that as this book is written, it will glorify God, be a blessing to those around me and be a testimony to the reality of God's love.

Now that would be a book worth reading ...

Just Connie