I drove home after finally picking up my car at the auto repair shop and paying much much more than I expected for the repair ... and kind of worried about how I was going to juggle my finances over the next month. As I pulled up to the house I stopped in the road in amazement. There were 5 or 6 cars and trucks in my driveway and people everywhere I looked. In fact everywhere I looked people where stealing 9 months of weeds.
I got out of the car and took a good look at what was going on. There were people weeding, people mowing, cutting limbs back ... busy cleaning up 9 months of neglect. I could not believe what I was seeing. It was amazing and wonderful.
My yard is looking pretty good right now. I have a good start on getting things ready for spring. But more than that I feel loved and cared for. Someone noticed that I was struggling to keep up and they came and helped because they wanted to.... because they loved me.
That is a very precious gift ... I am not sure I deserve it. But I guess that makes it all the more precious.
Just Connie
Friday, March 29, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Car Stuff
Car problems totally overwhelm me. First of all I know less than nothing about engines and second of all if I am very, very honest .... I really do not want to know anything about engines.
Monday I decided to make a short trip into Sheridan and go to the bank. A fifteen minute trip and then I would be back and working on wrapping up Easter Service preparations. Deciding to save time by going through the drive through window, I opened my window and smelled something hot.
Experience has taught me something over the years and I immediately looked at my temperature gauge and sure enough it was red lined on H. I eased the car carefully out of the drive through and into a parking spot. By that time the steam was rolling out from under my hood. I immediately did what any enlightened professional woman would do .... I cried. I pulled it together enough to call my church treasurer to confess. "My car has overheated and I have no idea what I should do." He took pity on me (after he stopped laughing) and came with a jug of water and his mechanical knowledge. You know it is pretty handy to have a treasurer that actually knows something more than numbers.
After the car had cooled down and water had been put in the radiator and immediately began leaking back out on the ground, he said, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I can get you to the repair shop ... the bad news is that I think it is your water pump." I would love to say that I took that news with a stiff upper lip ... but it was a tearful wobbly lip all the way back to Willamina.
The news from the repair shop was that it was my water pump which on my rig was under everything else and would mean about 7 hours of labor. That was the point that I began pinching my wrist so I did not lay my head down on the counter and cry. But the final news of $500-$600 just about sucked the air out of my lungs. But on a positive note they thought they could get it done by late the next day.
However now it is two days later and they just called and told me it will be Friday before the car is completed. Seems they are having trouble getting parts for a 14 year old car ... huh go figure? But like it or not there is not much I can do about it.
All of this upheaval reminds me of a few things. First of all there are a lot of people who are willing to jump in and give me rides and help out. Secondly it reminds me that I find it very hard to ask for help. Thirdly, ministry still happens. When life is chaotic when things are not neatly lined up .... still ministry happens.
In fact I have to wonder if these catastrophes are what helps me stay "human" and approachable. I know first hand the trials and tribulations of every day life. I am not exempt because I am a minister. It is even more important for me to live in the midst of "life" and to still show the love, humility and power of Christ.
But if I got to choose .... no more car stuff!
Just Connie
Monday I decided to make a short trip into Sheridan and go to the bank. A fifteen minute trip and then I would be back and working on wrapping up Easter Service preparations. Deciding to save time by going through the drive through window, I opened my window and smelled something hot.
Experience has taught me something over the years and I immediately looked at my temperature gauge and sure enough it was red lined on H. I eased the car carefully out of the drive through and into a parking spot. By that time the steam was rolling out from under my hood. I immediately did what any enlightened professional woman would do .... I cried. I pulled it together enough to call my church treasurer to confess. "My car has overheated and I have no idea what I should do." He took pity on me (after he stopped laughing) and came with a jug of water and his mechanical knowledge. You know it is pretty handy to have a treasurer that actually knows something more than numbers.
After the car had cooled down and water had been put in the radiator and immediately began leaking back out on the ground, he said, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I can get you to the repair shop ... the bad news is that I think it is your water pump." I would love to say that I took that news with a stiff upper lip ... but it was a tearful wobbly lip all the way back to Willamina.
The news from the repair shop was that it was my water pump which on my rig was under everything else and would mean about 7 hours of labor. That was the point that I began pinching my wrist so I did not lay my head down on the counter and cry. But the final news of $500-$600 just about sucked the air out of my lungs. But on a positive note they thought they could get it done by late the next day.
However now it is two days later and they just called and told me it will be Friday before the car is completed. Seems they are having trouble getting parts for a 14 year old car ... huh go figure? But like it or not there is not much I can do about it.
All of this upheaval reminds me of a few things. First of all there are a lot of people who are willing to jump in and give me rides and help out. Secondly it reminds me that I find it very hard to ask for help. Thirdly, ministry still happens. When life is chaotic when things are not neatly lined up .... still ministry happens.
In fact I have to wonder if these catastrophes are what helps me stay "human" and approachable. I know first hand the trials and tribulations of every day life. I am not exempt because I am a minister. It is even more important for me to live in the midst of "life" and to still show the love, humility and power of Christ.
But if I got to choose .... no more car stuff!
Just Connie
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Church Tomorrow
Tomorrow is my first day back with my church family. I am so looking forward to seeing everyone. I have missed them. I have seen very few of them over the past month and I am ready.
I am also gaining strength. Every day I am coughing less and I think that things are moving in the direction they are supposed to be moving. I am very hopeful that in a month I will be be much, much better as I finish the last of my antibiotic treatment.
I also have to admit that there is a lingering uneasiness that the cycle I have been living the last nine months will continue. But I refuse to live like it might come back. I will just keep making very healthy choices and continue doing what the doctor tells me to do.
There is health, wellness and new vigor ahead for me. I just have to keep walking the path set before me.
Now is not the time to falter ....
Just Connie
I am also gaining strength. Every day I am coughing less and I think that things are moving in the direction they are supposed to be moving. I am very hopeful that in a month I will be be much, much better as I finish the last of my antibiotic treatment.
I also have to admit that there is a lingering uneasiness that the cycle I have been living the last nine months will continue. But I refuse to live like it might come back. I will just keep making very healthy choices and continue doing what the doctor tells me to do.
There is health, wellness and new vigor ahead for me. I just have to keep walking the path set before me.
Now is not the time to falter ....
Just Connie
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Candidacy
I just did something I had never done before .... I turned in my West Valley Fire Board candidacy paperwork to the County Elections Board. I was given this thick sheaf of papers to fill out while I was on medical leave. I looked at it, groaned and stuck it back into my briefcase.
A little over a year ago I was asked to fill the term of a Board member who had died. There was actually 2 applicants for the open position. For some reason, they actually voted me in. As I have served this past year it has stretched and challenged me in many ways. But I have loved doing something that I think makes a big difference. But now my term is about to expire and I have to actually run as a candidate in a real election.
When I begun work on Monday I drug out the paper work and filled everything in that I could. I have to admit that it asked me things I did not know how to answer, like my "position number". I finally got the bright idea of googling myself and the Fire Department and came up with a newspaper article that announced I had been appointed to position 4. So I filled the last space in and with fear and trembling I headed into the city to file for candidacy.
Now it is all done. In May I will be elected or not for the West Valley Fire Board.
Hmmm ... perhaps I need to have an election night results party .....
Just Connie
A little over a year ago I was asked to fill the term of a Board member who had died. There was actually 2 applicants for the open position. For some reason, they actually voted me in. As I have served this past year it has stretched and challenged me in many ways. But I have loved doing something that I think makes a big difference. But now my term is about to expire and I have to actually run as a candidate in a real election.
When I begun work on Monday I drug out the paper work and filled everything in that I could. I have to admit that it asked me things I did not know how to answer, like my "position number". I finally got the bright idea of googling myself and the Fire Department and came up with a newspaper article that announced I had been appointed to position 4. So I filled the last space in and with fear and trembling I headed into the city to file for candidacy.
Now it is all done. In May I will be elected or not for the West Valley Fire Board.
Hmmm ... perhaps I need to have an election night results party .....
Just Connie
Monday, March 18, 2013
First Day Back
Today was my first day back to work. I had an immense amount of things to get done and I worked steadily but only got through about half of what I was hoping to today. I was blessed by people stopping by who saw my car outside the church. That really brought a smile to my face. It feels good to be missed.
I am also blessed by all the people who kept things going while I have been gone. I owe gratitude and thanks to those who stepped in to preach and pick up all the loose ends. Everything from picking up the mail to preaching. Everyone chipped in to make it happen and that is a wonderful thing to see happen.
Today I was further blessed to have old friends stop by to see me. Friends that are living in Kansas City and who I do not get to see very often. It was a very rare and welcome visit and still makes me smile as I think about it.
I guess that is a pretty good first day back at work. I am looking forward to seeing what tomorrow holds.
Just Connie
I am also blessed by all the people who kept things going while I have been gone. I owe gratitude and thanks to those who stepped in to preach and pick up all the loose ends. Everything from picking up the mail to preaching. Everyone chipped in to make it happen and that is a wonderful thing to see happen.
Today I was further blessed to have old friends stop by to see me. Friends that are living in Kansas City and who I do not get to see very often. It was a very rare and welcome visit and still makes me smile as I think about it.
I guess that is a pretty good first day back at work. I am looking forward to seeing what tomorrow holds.
Just Connie
Monday, March 11, 2013
Tight Spots
It tells me a couple of things. First it tells me that over these weeks of illness and isolation that there was stuff building up inside of me. It also tells me I was TOTALLY unaware that it was lurking in there.
Given those two things ... I think as i prepare to go back to work that I need to do a better joy and tending to the needs within me. I know that I have not done a very good job. I am committed to doing a better joy.
But of course the question is what does that look like? I think it will look like I am protecting my time off. To be honest I have let a lot of work things encroach on that time.I also need more quiet time built into my schedule. Time when I can reflect, pray and seek God's heart without interruption. I also think there are some small changes I can make to help, putting all my counseling on one day and only allowing 2 night meetings a week.All of those are changes that I can make that will make a difference. I think I am being given a chance to structure a less stressful life that will help me stay healthy and well.
Healthy, well and no more tight spots ....
Just Connie
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Good Friends
I am feeling better day by day. It is such a relief and I am working hard to make sure I keep moving in the same direction. Since I was feeling better, we decided to drive and go to church services at a friend's church. I have only seen these friends 2 times over the last 15 years, and yet they are so precious and so important to me.
We decided to surprise them just in case I did not feel up to going. They were not just surprised ... they were stunned. It was so much fun and so good to hear Cliff preach again. Afterwards we all went out to lunch together. It was so good to be together, to laugh, to tease and to remember. They were such an integral part of my life and played a large role in helping me prepare for ministry.
Tonight I am still warmed by everything we shared together today and so very glad that I was well enough to go. In fact today was good medicine all the way around.
Now I am thinking ... it is nap time ...
Just Connie
We decided to surprise them just in case I did not feel up to going. They were not just surprised ... they were stunned. It was so much fun and so good to hear Cliff preach again. Afterwards we all went out to lunch together. It was so good to be together, to laugh, to tease and to remember. They were such an integral part of my life and played a large role in helping me prepare for ministry.
Tonight I am still warmed by everything we shared together today and so very glad that I was well enough to go. In fact today was good medicine all the way around.
Now I am thinking ... it is nap time ...
Just Connie
Friday, March 8, 2013
Athletic
I have been an athlete all my life. I grew up on the ball field. I was the "bat girl" for my fathers fast pitch team from grade school through high school. I loved it and one of my duties was warming up the pitchers getting ready to go in. I loved it.
I also knew football ... I remember being so insulted in grade school when I realized that they would not let girls play football. And further insulted when the principal wanted me to teach the boys to throw a spiral ... which of course I did.
My parents lived next to hundreds of acres of public land, deep woods, canyons, creeks ... the perfect place for adventure. The neighbor kids and I spent hundreds of hours roaming, climbing, swimming and just loving every moment we were outside.
By the age of 13 I had passed my life guard tests and was teaching beginning swimming in the mornings and lifeguarding in the afternoons. I used to ride my bicycle the 10 miles into town and lifeguard and then ride home. In high school I discovered gymnastics. In college I rode my bike, learned to play tennis and of course played ball.
As a young married woman I learned to ski, played competition racquetball and of course continued to play ball. Over the years I added many new activities and loved them all. In my 40's I got back to a love that I had in my youth, I began to hike again and for the last 15 years that has been the thing that has filled with empty places and soothed my hurting heart.
One of the things that I have found so frustrating about these last 8 months has been my inability to do the things I love. No hiking, backpacking, no long treks int he woods searching for mushrooms. It is not my nature or my preference to live this kind of sedentary life. However as I let with the specialist yesterday he made this comment, "the only reason your lungs are in as good shape as they are is because you have been an athlete all your life."
That comment has really made me think about my life. I was so fortunate to be brought up into a family that valued activity, sports and the outdoors. They always encouraged me to strive, to do for myself and live life fully. That encouragement has not only helped shape my life and interests, but it is paying off in helping to protect my health.
It also reminds me that this place I find myself, is temporary. There is healing going on and good things ahead for me.
I am thinking ... I am blessed.
Just Connie
I also knew football ... I remember being so insulted in grade school when I realized that they would not let girls play football. And further insulted when the principal wanted me to teach the boys to throw a spiral ... which of course I did.
My parents lived next to hundreds of acres of public land, deep woods, canyons, creeks ... the perfect place for adventure. The neighbor kids and I spent hundreds of hours roaming, climbing, swimming and just loving every moment we were outside.
By the age of 13 I had passed my life guard tests and was teaching beginning swimming in the mornings and lifeguarding in the afternoons. I used to ride my bicycle the 10 miles into town and lifeguard and then ride home. In high school I discovered gymnastics. In college I rode my bike, learned to play tennis and of course played ball.
As a young married woman I learned to ski, played competition racquetball and of course continued to play ball. Over the years I added many new activities and loved them all. In my 40's I got back to a love that I had in my youth, I began to hike again and for the last 15 years that has been the thing that has filled with empty places and soothed my hurting heart.
One of the things that I have found so frustrating about these last 8 months has been my inability to do the things I love. No hiking, backpacking, no long treks int he woods searching for mushrooms. It is not my nature or my preference to live this kind of sedentary life. However as I let with the specialist yesterday he made this comment, "the only reason your lungs are in as good shape as they are is because you have been an athlete all your life."
That comment has really made me think about my life. I was so fortunate to be brought up into a family that valued activity, sports and the outdoors. They always encouraged me to strive, to do for myself and live life fully. That encouragement has not only helped shape my life and interests, but it is paying off in helping to protect my health.
It also reminds me that this place I find myself, is temporary. There is healing going on and good things ahead for me.
I am thinking ... I am blessed.
Just Connie
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Specialist
I saw the specialist today. I had the very uncomfortable experience of a different lung function test. Because of my coughing it was .... not fun. However it did show that my lung function today was okay. That was very good news and shows how far I have come over the last 3 weeks.
I now have three different inhalers and a new cough medicine to use. He also told me that my doctor had been absolutely right in the treatment (which I agree with) that I have received over the past months and he said we need to continue to be very aggressive in treatment. He also took blood to check me for bacterial infection in the blood which could potentially be at the root of the problems I have faced over the past 8 months. he is confident that we can get back to my norm.
Other things he told me: the only reason my lung function is as good as it is .... is because I have been an athlete all my life. He also wants me to get a HEPA air purifier for the family room.
So all in all, a very positive appointment and one that gives me hope for the future.
And hope is always a very good thing ....
Just Connie
I now have three different inhalers and a new cough medicine to use. He also told me that my doctor had been absolutely right in the treatment (which I agree with) that I have received over the past months and he said we need to continue to be very aggressive in treatment. He also took blood to check me for bacterial infection in the blood which could potentially be at the root of the problems I have faced over the past 8 months. he is confident that we can get back to my norm.
Other things he told me: the only reason my lung function is as good as it is .... is because I have been an athlete all my life. He also wants me to get a HEPA air purifier for the family room.
So all in all, a very positive appointment and one that gives me hope for the future.
And hope is always a very good thing ....
Just Connie
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Blessed
I have said over and over again, "I live in an amazing community". I find myself saying that once again, I truly live in an amazing community.
I went to pick up my check to make a bank run so I could pay some bills and in my check was an extra $200. When I called the treasurer to point out that I thought there was a mistake, he told me that it had been given to the church to give to me. Come to find out, it was from a local businessman. He just wanted to help and encourage me through this time.
I have been so blessed and so amazed at all the ways people have been helping, the hardware store delivered my pellets, people have been dropping off food, they have showed up to walk Hope Puppy and even have brought me books to read. Over and over again, their love and concern has lifted my spirits and helped me to feel love and cared for.
I really love this community!
Just Connie
I went to pick up my check to make a bank run so I could pay some bills and in my check was an extra $200. When I called the treasurer to point out that I thought there was a mistake, he told me that it had been given to the church to give to me. Come to find out, it was from a local businessman. He just wanted to help and encourage me through this time.
I have been so blessed and so amazed at all the ways people have been helping, the hardware store delivered my pellets, people have been dropping off food, they have showed up to walk Hope Puppy and even have brought me books to read. Over and over again, their love and concern has lifted my spirits and helped me to feel love and cared for.
I really love this community!
Just Connie
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Specialist
Well it is official, I am seeing the specialist on Thursday. I think that it is a good thing. I can talk about the last 8 months and see if there is a way to dig out of this hole I find myself in. I would really like to get everything back under control again and regain some normalcy.
I am hoping, besides a plan of action for the future, he will give me the green light to get out of town for a few days with my parents. I would really like to go and see my daughter and perhaps even make it over to visit with my nephew. It would be a mini vacation which would fit in with the the other "vacation" I have had over the past 10 years ... but not the vacation I was hoping for this year.
However, I am a believer in meeting life as it is and not as I wish it was. So I will prepare for the doctors appointment and hope for some good news and lay some preliminary plans to get a few days on the road.
I am ready .... I think ...
Just Connie
I am hoping, besides a plan of action for the future, he will give me the green light to get out of town for a few days with my parents. I would really like to go and see my daughter and perhaps even make it over to visit with my nephew. It would be a mini vacation which would fit in with the the other "vacation" I have had over the past 10 years ... but not the vacation I was hoping for this year.
However, I am a believer in meeting life as it is and not as I wish it was. So I will prepare for the doctors appointment and hope for some good news and lay some preliminary plans to get a few days on the road.
I am ready .... I think ...
Just Connie
Monday, March 4, 2013
Sigh ....
Sigh .... it looks like I am taking a trip to the specialist. I think it is probably for the best but I really did not want to take this step. However I am very committed to getting better so I am willing to do what it takes to keep healing.
The doctor will probably contact me tomorrow to let me know who I am going to see and when. So again it is hurry up and wait. I have made progress and that is something to celebrate. I get to wave goodbye to the every four hour breathing treatments. I have now graduated to every four hour inhalers.
It is very weird to be living life around treatments, meds and appointments right now. And now that I am actually beginning to feel a bit better I am frustrated at all the things I would rather be doing. This most definitely is not how I was planning on spending vacation.
But perhaps ... just perhaps I will actually get some housework done!
I guess stranger things have happened.
Just Connie
The doctor will probably contact me tomorrow to let me know who I am going to see and when. So again it is hurry up and wait. I have made progress and that is something to celebrate. I get to wave goodbye to the every four hour breathing treatments. I have now graduated to every four hour inhalers.
It is very weird to be living life around treatments, meds and appointments right now. And now that I am actually beginning to feel a bit better I am frustrated at all the things I would rather be doing. This most definitely is not how I was planning on spending vacation.
But perhaps ... just perhaps I will actually get some housework done!
I guess stranger things have happened.
Just Connie
Sunday, March 3, 2013
The Long Road Back
The long road back to health seems to have bogged down. I was really hoping I would continue to make strides ahead but I feel like I am settling back into the same place I was just before this latest crisis. I somehow want to find a way to climb out of this pit.
So I will keep working to find my way out. Tomorrow I will call the doctor and talk to him. If he determines that I am done with my every four hour breathing treatment then I will discuss the next couple of weeks with him. I might go and visit mom and dad for a while or we might actually wait a week and spend a couple of days on the road to try and salvage some part of our vacation.
I am not sure what will happen in the next couple of weeks ... I just know that I want to be done with this part of it and move on to the next part.
Perhaps tomorrow there will be some answers.
Just Connie
So I will keep working to find my way out. Tomorrow I will call the doctor and talk to him. If he determines that I am done with my every four hour breathing treatment then I will discuss the next couple of weeks with him. I might go and visit mom and dad for a while or we might actually wait a week and spend a couple of days on the road to try and salvage some part of our vacation.
I am not sure what will happen in the next couple of weeks ... I just know that I want to be done with this part of it and move on to the next part.
Perhaps tomorrow there will be some answers.
Just Connie
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Gratitude
Being sick these past weeks has had a lot of things that have been kind of awkward and hard. One of those is getting supplies such as pellets for the stove and groceries. I know that if I asked people would go and fetch them for me ... but somehow I just have not been able to bring myself to ask. I can get up and dress and drive, so it seems silly to ask for help. But I have to admit that at times it takes everything I have to get it done.
Today I got up and dressed and went down to the hardware store to get pellets for the stove. The people that own the store and such kind and wonderful people and I buy all of my supplies from them. As I was signing for the pellets, they asked me, "Who is going to unload these for you when you get home?" I laughed and told them I did not have far to move them. And that is when they refused to load the pellets in my car. I just stood there and blinked at them. They said they would send someone to deliver them to me and next time to just call and they would bring some up to me. I just about sat down and cried.
By the time I drove home, the pellets were neatly stacked in the garage along with a 50 pound sack of dog food. That is when I did start crying. I was so blessed and so amazed at the love and care they extended to me.
I have been thinking about it this afternoon and I cannot imagine what I have ever done to have this kind of care and support. I am pretty sure that I do not deserve it. I do not deserve that or the other incredibly kind things that have been offered to me today. My neighbor brought me chicken tonight, another lady came by and walked Hope Puppy, 3 others called to see if I needed anything while they were shopping. I know I do not deserve that loving compassion .... but I am so very grateful for it. It fills me with a sense of being loved and cared for that fills my heart to overflowing.
Tonight I am basking in love and filled with gratitude ...
And that is a pretty good feeling.
Just Connie
Today I got up and dressed and went down to the hardware store to get pellets for the stove. The people that own the store and such kind and wonderful people and I buy all of my supplies from them. As I was signing for the pellets, they asked me, "Who is going to unload these for you when you get home?" I laughed and told them I did not have far to move them. And that is when they refused to load the pellets in my car. I just stood there and blinked at them. They said they would send someone to deliver them to me and next time to just call and they would bring some up to me. I just about sat down and cried.
By the time I drove home, the pellets were neatly stacked in the garage along with a 50 pound sack of dog food. That is when I did start crying. I was so blessed and so amazed at the love and care they extended to me.
I have been thinking about it this afternoon and I cannot imagine what I have ever done to have this kind of care and support. I am pretty sure that I do not deserve it. I do not deserve that or the other incredibly kind things that have been offered to me today. My neighbor brought me chicken tonight, another lady came by and walked Hope Puppy, 3 others called to see if I needed anything while they were shopping. I know I do not deserve that loving compassion .... but I am so very grateful for it. It fills me with a sense of being loved and cared for that fills my heart to overflowing.
Tonight I am basking in love and filled with gratitude ...
And that is a pretty good feeling.
Just Connie
Friday, March 1, 2013
Vacation
I am grieved tonight. It seems like a silly thing to be grieved about, but yet here I am grieved.
About 10 years ago I had my last real vacation. It was an unqualified disaster. My husband "fell off the wagon" with a bang. He ended up packing us up, (we were camping) and driving drunk hundreds of miles home. There he deposited me on the doorstep and left. He was gone 8 months that time.
Since that time, I have had a few days of vacation here and there. I have gone backpacking a couple of times and always planned to do something more but never seemed to get around to taking more than a week at a time. I just could not garner the enthusiasm to go somewhere by myself. And of course finances have been tight and that further restricted my choices.
This year I decided that I was going to take my vacation time and that I was not going to be held back by being alone anymore. So for the last 8 months I have been planning a vacation to Arizona to see my brother in law. Mom, Dad and I were going to go by easy stages down 101 and just poke around as we headed south.
When I got sick again, I really thought I would have time to get better before vacation. Last week the Dr broke the news to me that I really was not going to be ready to go. I have been trying hard to not think about it much. But my scheduled departure date is in just three days. Today it has really hit home that I am not going. I am going to spend 2 weeks of vacation being sick. After all the planning ... vacation is still not going to happen.
I am amazed at how it grieves me. It is a vacation ... and yet I feel like something important has been stolen from me. I also realize there is little possibility of me scheduling something else. And I admit that I feel childish because it saddens me. I want to be able to go with the flow and grieve the things that are truly important. I do not think my vacation really qualifies.
But yet there it is ... I am grieved. However I know that this too shall pass and God is big enough for what I am feeling.
Just Connie
About 10 years ago I had my last real vacation. It was an unqualified disaster. My husband "fell off the wagon" with a bang. He ended up packing us up, (we were camping) and driving drunk hundreds of miles home. There he deposited me on the doorstep and left. He was gone 8 months that time.
Since that time, I have had a few days of vacation here and there. I have gone backpacking a couple of times and always planned to do something more but never seemed to get around to taking more than a week at a time. I just could not garner the enthusiasm to go somewhere by myself. And of course finances have been tight and that further restricted my choices.
This year I decided that I was going to take my vacation time and that I was not going to be held back by being alone anymore. So for the last 8 months I have been planning a vacation to Arizona to see my brother in law. Mom, Dad and I were going to go by easy stages down 101 and just poke around as we headed south.
When I got sick again, I really thought I would have time to get better before vacation. Last week the Dr broke the news to me that I really was not going to be ready to go. I have been trying hard to not think about it much. But my scheduled departure date is in just three days. Today it has really hit home that I am not going. I am going to spend 2 weeks of vacation being sick. After all the planning ... vacation is still not going to happen.
I am amazed at how it grieves me. It is a vacation ... and yet I feel like something important has been stolen from me. I also realize there is little possibility of me scheduling something else. And I admit that I feel childish because it saddens me. I want to be able to go with the flow and grieve the things that are truly important. I do not think my vacation really qualifies.
But yet there it is ... I am grieved. However I know that this too shall pass and God is big enough for what I am feeling.
Just Connie
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