Vacation

I am grieved tonight. It seems like a silly thing to be grieved about, but yet here I am grieved.

About 10 years ago I had my last real vacation. It was an unqualified disaster. My husband "fell off the wagon" with a bang. He ended up packing us up, (we were camping) and driving drunk hundreds of miles home. There he deposited me on the doorstep and left. He was gone 8 months that time.

Since that time, I have had a few days of vacation here and there. I have gone backpacking a couple of times and always planned to do something more but never seemed to get around to taking more than a week at a time. I just could not garner the enthusiasm to go somewhere by myself. And of course finances have been tight and that further restricted my choices.

This year I decided that I was going to take my vacation time and that I was not going to be held back by being alone anymore. So for the last 8 months I have been planning a vacation to Arizona to see my brother in law. Mom, Dad and I were going to go by easy stages down 101 and just poke around as we headed south.

When I got sick again, I really thought I would have time to get better before vacation. Last week the Dr broke the news to me that I really was not going to be ready to go. I have been trying hard to not think about it much. But my scheduled departure date is in just three days. Today it has really hit home that I am not going. I am going to spend 2 weeks of vacation being sick. After all the planning ... vacation is still not going to happen.

I am amazed at how it grieves me. It is a vacation ... and yet I feel like something important has been stolen from me. I also realize there is little possibility of me scheduling something else. And I admit that I feel childish because it saddens me. I want to be able to go with the flow and grieve the things that are truly important. I do not think my vacation really qualifies.

But yet there it is ... I am grieved. However I know that this too shall pass and God is big enough for what I am feeling.

Just Connie