Woundedness

I have a confession to make .... I do not deal with drunks well. When confronted especially by drunk males, my heart races and all I want to do is run and hide somewhere. I know that is a learned response because of my past. Experience has taught me that a drunk male can hurt me badly intentionally and .... unintentionally.

The worst injury I ever received from my former husband was unintentional. He was drunk and trying to pick me up and hold on to me as I was struggling to get away. He had hold of my arms when he lost his balance and slammed me headfirst into the desk. It knocked me out cold and left me with several months of recovery from the concussion I incurred. He did not mean to ... but his drunkenness caused me serious injury.

That experience and many others with him has taught me to avoid drunk males. That is not always possible in my job, but for the most part I am able to. Last night I was confronted with a very drunk man. I told him repeatedly we would talk tomorrow and tried to walk away. He followed me, sorrowfully apologizing as only a drunk can do and finally grabbed my arm to pull me into a hug. I was flooded with panic and it took everything in me not to lash out and fight with every bit of strength I had. My heart was racing as I struggled to find a reasonable response. I finally pulled my arm away and  told him that I could not, would not do this and walked away.

My heart was still pounding as I went to bed and as I laid there all of those old emotions of fear swept over me. Shaking and tearful I fought to find peace. As I took slow deep breaths I could feel the assurance of God presence with me, easing the hurt and fear. Slowly peace began to settle over me.

Last night reminded me of several things. First I still have some woundedness that needs healing. Secondly, I think I need to develop a game plan for dealing with persistent drunks. Thirdly, I do not have to let the past define who I am and it does not have to always define my responses. And lastly, God is sufficient for my hurt and fear.

And that sufficiency is enough for me .....

Just Connie

Birthday Celebration

There are times when life as a single is difficult. my birthday is usually one of those times. I usually spend the day alone and work hard to enjoy it for what it is. it has been years since I have spent it with my family.

Today was my birthday and I drove up to Burlington to spend the day with my family. I had soooo much fun. My sister and her husband came as did one of my nephews and his wife. We laughed and laughed, ate a lot of pizza and then laughed some more. We played cards games and just enjoyed being together.

I am so appreciative of these rare times with my family and I am so appreciative that they took the time to celebrate with me today. It reminded me that I am loved and I am never really alone.

And you know ... that is a pretty good feeling.

Just Connie

Where is God?

A week of tragedy ... first the Boston Bombing and now the explosion in West Texas. It is times like this that people often ask where is God? Why did he allow this to happen? And though I do not know all of the answers there are some things I know.

1.  God gives us free will. We have the choice, to live right, live for God and love other people. I can choose to live otherwise, I can choose to hurt and destroy. My free will effects other people. Whether I am gossiping, driving drunk or building bombs. My free will has far reaching effects on other people.

2.  There is sin in the world. Sin has consequences. There are spiritual consequences, social consequences, emotional consequences and physical consequences. There are people around us who in their selfishness and anger seek to hurt others. It is a consequences of choosing to live in sin.

3.  God is at work. We see Him at work in the First Responders who laid their lives down to try to save others. We see Him working through the people who give blood and organize events to help out. We see God's love being poured out in countless ways as we respond to these tragedies.

4.  God is big enough for this. He is big enough for the grief, fear, anger, confusion that we are experiencing. He is big enough, strong enough, wise enough, powerful enough and loving enough to walk us through this and bring us out better and stronger at the other end.

God is right here, right now. He is at work in us and through us as we seek His face. It is through Him that we will have the love, strength and grace to respond to these horrific events with hearts of compassion and hands that are willing to work.

God is here right where we need Him to be ....

Just Connie

Call to Prayer

I feel the call to prayer today. To pray for the victims and families of the Boston Bombing certainly, but to also pray for the rest of us. To pray that we will have God's heart and that we will never become hardened to the horror of what happened yesterday. I pray that the horror will spur us to wake up, to be strong, to be God's light shining in the dark.

Because the reality is that this hurts ... it hurts all of us. But out of that hurt may a resolve grow to not be intimidated or to live in fear. May this hurt unify our hearts and strengthen us for the work ahead.

Just Connie

Conference Thoughts

I just spent the last 5 days with 500 other Wesleyan Holiness Women Clergy. It was an incredible time of blessing and challenge. To be with so many others from around the world who truly understand the unique issues we face as we serve.

So often as women in ministry we serve in isolation. It can be very difficult develop support networks to help us stay healthy and strong. This conference gives us the opportunity to network with others, to receive additional training and to celebrate our callings.

This year we met in Estes Park Colorado. I arrived about 11:00 at night. It was 3 degrees with 40 mile per hour winds and blowing snow. That bitter cold was with us most of the time I was there. But the beautiful scenery more than made it a worth while trade off.

There were many highlights of the conference. I met some incredible women and learned of some unique ministries and callings. I was also blessed that one of our Bishops attended the whole conference. Our new Conference Superintendent also came and met with those of us from Oregon. it was wonderful to have that kind of support from denominational leaders.

I came away energized and encouraged. I am very thankful for these last 5 days. It reminds me that there are goo things ahead.

And it is good to look ahead ....

Just Connie

The Hard Stuff

Sometimes part of my job is doing things I do not want to do. Last night I did one of those things. Before I did it I enlisted trusted partners to be praying, I discussed the issues with godly advisers. I spent time in prayer and preparation and then I did it.

The thing that I did not want to do, went very well. Not nearly as painful and horrible as I had feared. I think that all of the prayer and preparation led the way for God to do something powerful. And I think that it will continue to happen as we continue to seek God's heart on this issue.

Last night reminds me of how easy it is to not do the hard stuff. And by not doing the hard stuff we do not allow God to do the the wonderful and powerful stuff. By taking the easy road I am robbing myself and robbing those I serve of everything that God would like to do.

I pray that God enables me to hear his voice clearly and to be willing to do the hard stuff, regardless of my fear or excuses.

I am thinking perhaps I need to start working out .... there just might be more hard stuff ahead.

Just Connie

Walk in the Woods

I did something I have not done in months ... I took a walk in the woods. My son convinced me to try a short walk. We probably did about a mile. I am encouraged. I did not get short of breath or cough. However, I did get very tired. I am ready for bed right now and it is only 7:00pm.

It tells me that I am still getting better. It also reminds me that this will be a long process ... the slow regaining of strength and energy. It will happen in small steps forward. I just need to keep going.

It is real easy at this point to get discouraged because it is not happening as fast as I want it to. I keep reminding myself that I am still on antibiotics and I still am on a lot of other medications. But this warm weather and sunshine is calling me. Calling me to get outside and  hike and enjoy the world around me.

I just wish .... that I was at the other end of this process.

Just Connie