Turmoil and Praying

Today my former in-laws contacted me. It always makes my stomach clench with the fear that there is bad news about my former husband. But it turns out that they needed his social security number for the missing persons report.

I have to say that ever since he left and I realized that he was living on the streets, I have had a fear that something would happen to him and none of us would ever know. After my years working at the Rescue Mission I know how dangerous the streets are. Weather, infections, fights, predators ... there are just so many things that can go wrong.

So for much of today I have found myself in turmoil as I have thought about all the things that could have happened in the year since we have heard from him. But I am reminded that this is something I cannot change. In the same way that I could not change his decision to leave, I cannot undo his choice to be where he is.

I am praying that we will be able to get news of him, praying that he will be okay, praying that he will find freedom from his addictions and problems. Praying .... praying ... praying ....

And I guess that is an okay thing to be doing ....

Just Connie

Life Happens ....

This is the week ... the week that I think about things ... about the past and about my future. It was 5 years ago this week that I slipped a few clothes in a bag and quietly crept out of the house. Leaving a a situation that was becoming more and more dangerous for me. I left to protect myself but I had hope that somehow my husband would sober up and that God would work a miracle for us.

Instead over the next month and a half it became obvious that he had no desire for sobriety or for marriage. And one day in February he called to say goodbye as he left town. It was with sadness that I pulled into an empty house two months after I left and began to rebuild my life.

There is still so much that brings me great sadness as I look back. Sad for what we lost in his alcoholism, sad for the scars that it brought to my life and sad for the gifts that this man has that are obscured by his choice for alcohol. Sad that I find myself alone at this point in my life.

But as I look back I also realize that God has done some wonderful things in my heart and life in the past 5 years. He has taught me to both receive grace and to give grace. He has brought people to help me when I am weak and people to celebrate the victories with me. He has taught me to do things for myself that I never wanted to attempt, like mow the lawn and service my pellet stove.Iit fills me with the sense that I can be independent and yet accept help when I need it.

As I look ahead, I realize that my life might not be what I dreamed it would be. However, I am choosing to live in hope. Hope that God is not done with me, hope that there are good things ahead for me and hope in the knowledge that life is worth the hurts.

Life happens ... But I choose hope. It is always the right choice.

Rest Time

Sometimes in the midst of my busy schedule it seems my body just crashes. I have definitely reached one of those times. With nothing pressing on my schedule, I have spent the last couple of days napping on the couch. I refuse to feel guilty about that, I am thinking that my body and mind must need that. I also realize that antibiotics take a toll on me and that I need to let the meds continue to do their work and give all of my systems adequate time to rest and restore.

So for today I will continue to lay low and enjoy this rare time. It gives me a good foundation for the busy time I know will be ahead for me.

I think it is time to go and take a nap ....

Just Connie

Christmas Day

Christmas Day ,,, I am not sure how it got here so quickly. But I popped out of bed at mom and dad's at 5:00 this morning. after dragging my nephew out of bed we opened our stockings played with the dogs and enjoyed an hour with the family. Then I packed up the car and drove home to Willamina.

After unpacking the car and dropping Hope Puppy off, I headed down to Coyote Joe's for the Annual Christmas Dinner. For the next 5 hours I  waited and bused  tables, and laughed and joked and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

There is something so very satisfying about taking the time to serve others instead of moping around home by myself. I am very glad to have this gift of opportunity given to me each year. It makes my Christmas so much richer and joyful.

So here I sit tonight, tired, happy and feeling very content with life. I am thinking that is a pretty good feeling at the end of a pretty good day.

Just Connie

Sinus Infection

I have had some nagging sinus problems over the last couple of months. I went to the Dr a couple of months ago and today I finally went back. It seems that I have a sinus infection. So I am back on antibiotics and cough meds again as well as decongestants.

I love my Dr. He is kind and caring and seems to have a pretty good handle on how I operate. he also realizes that as an uninsured patient I have limited funds available for treatment and meds. Today he told me that if my sinus infection does not clear up we would have to do a cat scan. I laughed and pointed out that what I had just heard was, "Do not come back to see me about this". But he knows that I will, because I am highly motivated to not have another year like I had last year. However I am thinking that a cat scan would probably be beyond my financial means. Unless of course I use the neighbors cat for the scan. But somehow I am not sure that would actually get the job done.

So tonight I am having a quiet night and taking my meds like a good girl. Hopefully this will soon be cleared up and I will be back at full strength once again.

At least I sure hope so ... I can only be good for so long ....

Just Connie

Christmas Time is Here

It seemed that I had plenty of time before Christmas. All of a sudden Christmas is rushing up on me and I have very little done. Yesterday it dawned on me that I had done next to no shopping. So after I finished up my sermon work I headed into McMinnville to go shopping. I have to admit that it is not nearly as much fun as it used to be.

However, I persevered and headed to Pier 101 where I wanted to look at the Christmas ornaments. I had broken so many of my special ornaments last year when the tree fell over that I decided I was going to buy one special ornament every year. So I chose a beautiful hand painted, hand blown ornament ads the first of my new collection. While I was there I actually found some stocking stuffers for my mom and enjoyed some quiet time in a very peaceful store. I highly recommend it as a place to shop during Christmas.

From there I headed over to JC Penny's because I have been trying to find something special to wear for the Candle Light Service. However ... I struck out once again. But I decided to celebrate by grabbing a hamburger while I drove to the next store on my list to get the last of my son's Christmas presents and Birthday gifts.

As usual my son asked for only one thing ... ammo. Last year I actually bought him a bunch of ammo. Nothing says "Merry Christmas like a pile of ammunition. This year I decided that I was NOT going to buy him ammo and actually found a few things that I knew he really needed.

So I came home last night tired but almost finished with my shopping. I have a few little odds and ends to pick up and of course some baking to do. Now to just get all of the church work done that needs to happen before Sunday.

I just need a couple of extra days in the week this week to get it all done. That is a pretty reasonable request .... right?

Christmas Time

Tonight I met with the ladies of the church for our annual Ornament Exchange party. It is an evening of laughter and enjoying the rare chance to sit and chat with each other. As always, it was a thoroughly enjoyable time.

As I was driving home I was thinking back on the evening and rare it seems to be for me to have these relaxing times when I do not have to be the one in charge or specific duties that have to be done. It makes these rare times all the more enjoyable when they do happen.

I am hoping that this Christmas I will be able to carve out some time to do the things I really want to do. I think I need to build in some more of these times then I do. It is probably not healthy for me to have so much of my time scheduled.

I will try ... but I have a feeling it will not be very easy. But probably very worthwhile to try ....

Just Connie

Christmas Tree 2013

So Christmas has come to my house. I was leaning towards not putting up a tree this year, because I was so busy and no one was coming over for Christmas. So I was thinking I could simplify everything by not doing a tree this year.

However, much to my surprise my son went out and cut a tree for me. And what a tree it is ... it has about 15 branches on the entire tree. It is a sad little tree that would  make Charlie Brown proud. Not only that but the trunk was too small for my tree stand. It took a full 24 hours before my son was able to come up with a solution to fix the trunk issue. Then I realized that the ladder was out on the deck covered with six inches of snow and a week of ice. SO I drug the ladder in the house to let it thaw out with towels under it to catch the mess.

The ladder had thawed out the next morning so when I got home that night we began the attic trek. Getting in the attic is always fun because for me the ladder is about a foot too short. That means I have to pull myself into the attic by my arms as if I was doing chin ups. I keep telling myself that it is good for me ... but some days it is a whole lot harder to do than other days. But we got up there and I was even able to pull down just the family room decorations.

So today I have been puttering around decorating the tree and putting up a few decorations. I have to admit that it is kind of nice to have a tree up. Perhaps it will even motivate me to wrap some presents and finish my shopping. Who knows perhaps I will even get some baking done.

And you know ....the sad little tree is growing on me.

Just Connie

Artic Blast

The last week or so we have been stuck in what the weather guys call an "Artic Blast". I personally call it just plain cold. Last Friday the snow moved in and we got about 6 inches or so. yesterday some areas of Willamina registered at -5 degrees. That goes past cold and makes everything kind of miserable. I am finding it hard to warm up unless I am standing in front of the pellet stove.

I will say that this snowy, bitterly cold world is very pretty. But I find that it makes everything a bit more challenging. From running to the grocery store, to deciding which streets I can drive up and which I cannot. In my neighborhood a lot of people park down on the flats and hike up the hill. I have been very thankful for 4-wheel drive which gets me up and down the hill with relative ease and safety.

Another challenge has been keeping water flowing. So many of my friends are experiencing broken and/or frozen pipes. I have not, however I especially have one set of outside pipes that I am keeping an eye on. Especially when it begins to thaw out, I will watch for the sight and sound of flowing water from under my deck.

Yet another challenge is the very low attendance at church because so many people could not make it safely. We actually had to cancel some of our scheduled Christmas events at the church. Even the town cancelled the Annual Light Parade which has never happened.

However, we are supposed to creep above freezing sometime later this week. Of course that is not before they are predicting freezing rain for us. It would not be winter in Willamina without a couple of bouts of freezing rain.

All I can say is that I am thankful that it is not on a Sunday this time....

Just Connie

Buy Local

My pellet stove stopped working almost two months ago. For a month I hunkered down and tried to decide what I was going to do. Then I finally marched myself down to the hardware store and purchased a stove. I was really nervous about ordering a stove. I was afraid that it would not be a good one, that it would not fit. it really scared me to make that big a decision on my own.

But I took the step and ordered it. It came in in several weeks ago. The first thing that I noticed was that it was smoking. We kept working on it and someone finally mentioned to our local hardware store that I could not use it yet. The came to my house and looked at it, gave their opinion on what was wrong and then sent someone over the next day to install it with all new stove pipes.

I have been blown away by how incredible the hardware store has been. They have gone out of their way to try to make this work for me. It reminds me of the value of a small town and shopping local. I made a commitment several years ago to shop local whenever I could. Even if I could get it cheaper somewhere else I still buy it local. My decision to buy local has blessed me over and over again. First of all by the friendships I have developed with our local business owners and then by things like this. They really go over and above trying to help.

I use this as an example of why we should support our local businesses. The amazing thing is that in the long run, the person we are truly helping is ourselves.

And even better .... I have heat again!

Just Connie

Thinking and Remembering

The message came early Thanksgiving morning. It was a cousin of my former husband. The question was fairly simple, "Would I give them a photo of Gerrald that they could use in searching for him?". I was taken aback by the things I felt when I read that message. I was frightened for Gerrald  ... his family was sharing my fear .... that something has happened to him and we will never know what. I was struck by the way everything in me tensed up and I could feel the adrenaline rush ... in the "fight or flight" response. (That seems to happen every time I am faced with something dealing with him). Old responses to a past I do not enjoy thinking about. I also felt a great sense of dread. I did not want to search through photos of happier times of times when I still had hope and a dream for what God could do through us together.

However, I spent a couple of hours of Thanksgiving Day searching through what photos I had that I could e-mail to them for the search. And I found it so .... so very painful. It hurt because of the broken dreams and promises, it hurt because the photos chronicled the cycle of Gerrald's addiction and it hurt to see that I had very few photos of our last couple of years together. When I did the math I realize that he has been gone for almost 5 years now and most of the photos I had were of 3-5 years before that. Most of  them were 10 years out of date.

But I finally chose a photo and sent it off. I found myself siting and staring at the screen for a long time, thinking of everything that I had lost through those dark years. Thinking how long ago it seems, yet how fresh some of it is still in my mind. Thinking of a wonderful man with a terrible addiction and  how that addiction changed him into someone that still gives me nightmares.

Thinking, remembering .... and praying. Praying for his safety, that he will find freedom from the bondage that he has been in. Praying that I continue to move forward and let God continue to bring light to the dark places of hurt within me. Praying that I will find God lesson for me as I sort through all of this.

Praying ..... and that is a pretty good thing ...

Just Conie

Month of Gratitude

I think gratitude is an integral part of living a contented and happy life.   I am finding that gratitude changes things. It changes me, my viewpoint and how I interact with others. For the past few years I have chosen to post things I am thankful for every day in the month of November on Facebook. I thought I would put my entire month down here.

Day 1 - Today I am thankful for the gift of friendship which survives through the years. To each and everyone of my friends I am very thankful for you.

Day 2 - On Day 2 of my Month of Gratitude, I am thankful for the two children that God gave me. After years of prayer and sorrow God answered the prayer of my heart and entwined our lives together. How grateful I am to be called Mom. I give thanks for my beautiful daughter Joy Schulte and for my son Tony Aunspaugh. You are both a continued answer to prayer and a blessing to me.

 Day 2 Continued - An extra note of gratitude today .... Thank you Lord, for helping me find my phone! My "everything" is on that phone and I am sooooo grateful that the lost has been found.

Day 3 - I am grateful for the freedom to worship as I choose and not as the "state" chooses. It is a gift that generations of men and women have fought to give to me and I am grateful for their sacrifice

Day 4 - I am thankful for my parents, For their unfailing love and support through the years. For the storybook upbringing they gave me and the strong moral household they provided for me. They are incredible loving and giving people that have blessed me every day of my life.

Day 5 - I am thankful for the beauty of nature all around me. It is beauty that refreshes and restores when life gets tough. It is a beauty that draws me close to God and reminds me that the world is not about me

Day 6 - I am thankful for my sister Toni Irish. I am thankful for creativity and hospitality that she shares so freely with the family. I am blessed and challenged by how different we are

Day 7 - I am thankful for laughter. Early this morning a mouse ran across my hand as I was getting a towel from the cupboard and somehow my body was hijacked by a shrieking screaming woman. My son jumped out of bed and came to save me from what he was sure was an ax murderer with a gun in each hand. As I stood there on the top of bathtub and looked at my son with his guns drawn, I tried to tell him it was a vicious life threatening gargantuan mouse …. As big as a goat!. As he looked at me in disbelief ... that is when the laughter began. I am still laughing .... and that is a pretty good way to start the day.

Day 8 - I am thankful for ministry. I am so grateful for the opportunity to express the call of God in so many diverse ways. I believe I have the best "job" in the world.

Day 9 - I am thankful for the community I live in. I love the warm loving people, the support and help they offer so freely. I love walking into businesses and knowing the owners and staff by name. I love the way that so many committees and groups are networked together. I love these people and I am thankful to live here!

Day 10 - I am thankful for the congregation I serve. I appreciate their love and support, their vision and their hard work. I also am grateful for the way they have invited me into their lives and families. Every day I give thanks to God weaving our lives and hearts together

Day 11 - First of all I want to thank God for answering the cry in my heart and 27 years ago bringing a tiny, curly blonde headed baby into my life. She still blesses and challenges me and I am so very proud of her. She has grown into an incredible woman. I love you!

Day 11 Continued - I am also grateful today for the men and women who generously and sacrificially choose to serve our country. Their service has made a difference through the generations and makes a difference today. Many have made the ultimate sacrifice so that we would live in freedom. My hope is that I would never take that for granted but live in thankfulness every day for the gift they give us. Secondly, I give thanks for the men and women who so generously and sacrificially have served our country. Their service has made a difference through the generations and makes a difference today. May I never take that gift for granted but may I always live in gratitude.

I am also grateful today for the men and women who generously and sacrificially choose to serve our country. Their service has made a difference through the generations and makes a difference today. Many have made the ultimate sacrifice so that we would live in freedom. My hope is that I would never take that for granted but live in thankfulness every day for the gift they give us.

Day 12 - I would like to give thanks for the unexpected blessings that God gives to us so freely. Sunday I was surprised and blessed to have very "old friends" Cliff Watt and Carolyn Watt in church. That surprise visit filled my heart with such joy that it still makes me smile when I think about it. God is soooo good!

Day 13 - I would like to give thanks for medical Doctors, in particular my doctor. His knowledge, caring, committed involvement in our community is both a blessing and a challenge to me

Day 14 - I am very thankful for my companion Hope Puppy. She makes me laugh, loves me unconditionally and sticks with me without fail. I am so grateful for the day my neighbor boy took all his Christmas money and bought her for me.

Day 15 - I am thankful for heat. My pellet stove has been down for the count and the new one will not be here for another week. After a long cold week, I had a friend bring a heater to me last night. I am very grateful to have some heat in the house.

Day 16 - I am thankful for technology. For the many ways that it makes my life easier and brings information instantly to my fingertips. Also for the ways that it keeps me connected with friends, family and colleagues

Day 16 Continued - I am also thankful that 28 years ago I sat in an adoption agency and had a tiny little girl placed in my arms. That day of Joy continued to bless me over and over again. I will forever be grateful for the gift God gave me that day.

Day 17 - I am thankful for people willing to use their gifts and serve others. Today singers, instrumentalists, teachers, bakers, cooks and so many others will use their gifts to worship, to guide, lead and celebrate. Each of you bless me over and over again.

Day 18 - Today I am thankful for music, that draws me close to God, helps me express the feelings of my heart and lifts me up

Day 19  - I am thankful for the people who are willing to come along side and help me, both in ministry and in life. You are a wonderful example of Christ's call to serve and you bring joy and encouragement to me.

Day 20  - I am thankful for the handsome young man who fixed my fence on the back of my property. I would say he takes after his mother but that seems a bit self-serving (since he is my son). Thank you Tony for helping me today.

Day 20 Continued -  As I was trying to wrestle the over full recycling bin across the street, the bin fell over spilling paper and cardboard everywhere ... and right in front of a dump truck. It was so ridiculous I started laughing as I stood in the middle of the street in a pile of paper and cardboard in front of the truck. I was still laughing when the dump truck driver got out and helped me pick everything back up and get the bin upright and put away. I am thankful for his kindness and the opportunity to meet a very nice man.

Day 21 - I am thankful for the gorgeous cold frosty day. The sun glittering on the ice turned the world into a shimmering rainbow of colors. I am so grateful for the beautiful world that God gave us to enjoy and care for.

Day 22 - I am thankful for the little 3 year old boy who calls me Noni. My grandson is the spitting image of his father and as I spend time with him it takes me back 25 years.

Day 23 - Thankful today for the chance to rest and renew ...

Day 24 - This morning I am thankful for the wonderful blessing of having a washer and dryer. When you are awakened at 5:00 because the dog has just thrown up on you, it gives you a new and deep appreciation of those common appliances

Day 25 - I am thankful for God's love which sustains me, comforts me and transforms me.

Day 26 - I am grateful for the way that God continually brings restoration in my life. The things that Satan stole and meant to destroy me with, God uses to build something strong and beautiful.

Day 27 - Today I am thankful for my home. A quiet haven in the midst of the storm.

Day 28 - Spending a quiet day at home reflecting and thinking. I have much to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for the chance to quiet myself enough to remember and give thanks

Day 29 - I am thankful for friends who are still working to get my pellet stove working and have not given up yet.

Day 30 - I am thankful for God’s love which is showered out on me in so many ways, through family, friends and even pets. Thank you for love!