Unexpected Journey - Ups and Downs

Up and down ... up and down ... that has been my last week. My lung function is up again today and that is encouraging. The doctor bills have begun to come in and that is really discouraging. The pile that came today were somewhat startling .. my portion was just under $2,000. And that is just for the doctors. My hospital bill has not come in yet. I have a feeling that I do not want to see that.


I am trying to figure out how to set up payments for 5 different medical creditors. Payments that they will actually accept. It looks like this will be a long process.


So ... how to keep from getting discouraged and overwhelmed? First of all I need to remember that God is sufficient for this. I need to keep my eyes on the future and refuse to let discouragement reign.


God will bring me through ...


Just Connie

Unexpected Journey - Encouraged

After being so discouraged this weekend my lungs just tested at 80%! A good reminder to me that healing can be happening even when you are not aware of it.


It is amazing to me how I have taken my lungs for granted and how horrible it is when you cannot breathe. It makes everything so much harder and the struggle is exhausting. I think I will come out of this journey with a new appreciation of my body and especially my lungs and how important they are.


I realize that my lung function will fluctuate throughout the day ... but this is by far the best it has been in a month ... and that is so very encouraging.


And encouraged is a good place to be ...


Just Connie

Unexpected Journey - Hope

One step forward and two steps back ... I am not feeling very well today. I am congested, my lung function is down and I am tired, tired, tired. And feeling frustrated at the rate of this journey.


I can not ever remember not bouncing back easily from any illness. I am just not moving forward as much or as fast as I expected to. I cannot think of anything else I can do to move this process ahead. I seem to be doing everything that I have been told to do. And yet .... things are still lagging.


I was really hoping by now I would be able to begin to be working on stamina and walking every day. But I am find it much to hard to breath to do any real exercising. And that is no fun at all.


So ... I will continue doing what I am doing and keep expecting better results. because hope is always the right choice.


Just Connie

Unexpected Journey - The Process

I spent about 3 hours at the church today working on reports for the denomination and running off a few things for tonight's board meeting. I have to admit that by the end of that time I was exhausted. I came home and crawled into bed and slept for two hours.


I guess it is a good reminder that I still have a long ways to go on this unexpected journey. I wish it was a faster easier process but it is not. Soooo I will take the time to rest and try to make very good choices.


You would think that it would be a lot easier to make good choices ... but there is so much that I want to do. There are so many deadlines staring at me right now. But I am not willing to jeopardize this journey to get some things done.


So I will rest, take whatever time I need and keep moving ahead. I need to keep reminding myself that it is all about the journey, not the destination.


it is all about the journey ....


Just Connie

The Hard Thing

I spent a few hours working  today. It was one of those community jobs that I really, really did not want to do. But yet it needed to be done and when I was asked I said yes. They had been patiently waiting for me to get back to work. But it really could not wait any longer.


So I took a deep breath and did what needed to be done. Yet I have to admit that it hurt my heart. I found myself struggling with tears several times through the morning. By early afternoon I was exhausted and so ready to come home and curl up into bed.


I have been reflecting on the events of the morning and several things have occurred to me.

• First I am honored to be entrusted to do something that was so important and so sensitive.
• Secondly, I am grateful for the gifts and skills that allow me to serve the community.
• Thirdly, my heart breaks when people are wounded.
• Fourthly, sometimes service comes with a price.

So often my service to others brings me great joy, but there are those times such as today when there is a price. Today's price was both in the pain it brought me and the exhaustion it brought. However, the price is worth it ... to do the right thing ... to do a hard thing that benefits others is more than worth that price.


Tonight I am thankful to have this done and behind me. And I am thinking that thankful ... is a good place to be.


Just Connie

Unexpected Journey - The Doctor

I looked with chagrin at my specialist as I listened to him. This was not what I was hoping to hear at all. I was trying to process what he was saying to me and put that into the context of the next month or so. I was hoping for answers that were more along the line of ... stop malingering and get back to work. Instead this is some of what he said to me.

• My lungs are healing
• My lungs are not healed enough to do some of the testing he wants to do
• I need to begin vitamin D to help with lung health
• I need a different maintenance medication for the long term
• I need allergy testing since mine is over 30 years old
• I need to change the delivery method of my inhaler
• There is no guarantee that I will recover back to my "norm"
• I can slowly begin to add activity back into my schedule
• I need to carefully monitor my lung function every day
• I need a tiered treatment plan that is based on my daily lung function tests
• The hoarseness should go away as my lungs heal
• Rest, recover and heal

So it looks like I have some hard work ahead. The kind of hard work that I find much more difficult than physical labor. I have always been more of an advocate of the "walk it off" school of treatment. All of this is ... well ... complicated.


But I am striving hard for a good attitude and the willingness to do whatever needs to happen. because I guess the reality is that I do not have much choice. This is my reality and I need to embrace it, learn from it and keep moving ahead.


And I guess as long as I keep moving ahead .... it is all good.


Just Connie

Unexpected Journey - Home

There is no place like home .... and that is very true for me. This unexpected journey I have been on has reminded me of how very grateful I am for a home of my own. The feeling of coming home from the hospital to my own space was an incredible feeling.


This journey has also reminded me of how thankful I am for a childhood home. A place that still feels like home. After spending a week healing at my parents place I have a renewed appreciation of a haven to escape to.


I enjoyed the chance to walk around the property and remember a truly wonderful childhood and reflect on how blessed I was and how blessed I still am.


And blessed is a good place to be ....


Just Connie

Unexpected Journey - Violets

When I was a little girl I planted violets at my parents house. Every spring they faithfully push their way up through the moss. I took a stroll around my parents property today and was so blessed by the carpets of violets.


There are so many wonderful memories everywhere I walked today. Trees that I climbed, places I built forts .. and of course the trails heading off into the forest where I spent so many hours hiking and roaming.


I was glad for the chance to  reflect and remember today. It is one of the many ways that this unexpected journey has had unexpected blessings.


And blessings are a very good thing indeed ...


Just Connie

Unexpectd Journey - Unexpected Gifts

I did something I do not get to do very often. I attended a family birthday party. Of course I was only able to attend because I have been staying with mom and dad while I have been recuperating. I also had to take a breathing treatment and take a nap while I was there ... but I was there.


It was so much fun to see all of our new babies running around and how my nieces and nephews are building their own families. I just cannot  believe that so much time has passed since they were running around as babies.


I also enjoyed seeing my sister with all of her family and friends around her. She was doing what she does so well and so graciously. It is amazing to watch her.


So this unexpected journey that I am on, is also giving me some gifts that I would not normally get to experience. It reminds me to not get so focused on what I do not have right now, that I miss the blessings that are there.


I guess .... I need to look ...


Just Connie

Unexpected Journey - Stages

One step forward and two steps back ... that is what it has felt like today. I have been worn out, tired and breathless much of the day. However I did go with my mother to the store and even took a walk down the road this afternoon. I also took a two hour nap and have spent the evening curled up on the couch with Hope Puppy.


I am hoping that tomorrow will be better and I will feel stronger. I can feel the clock ticking and I am not nearly as far along on this recovery as I would like to be. But it is what it is ... I just need to keep looking ahead and not get discouraged along the path.


This journey seems to take some dips and turns that I am not really prepared for ... but yet ... here I am. I will rest, I will learn, I will give thanks for where I am.


I guess that is plenty for this stage of the journey.


Just Connie

Unexpected Journey - First Walk

My Childhood Home

I took my first outside walk today. Spring has sprung while I have been down and today is actually the first day of spring. It felt so good to be outside and smell the wonderful fresh air and see all the flowers.


There is something about being home that just blesses my heart. I have found that you are never too old to need your mommy when you are sick. I am very grateful that they brought me here to recuperate and rest.


So much of my life I live away from my family that this is a rare treat. Today blessed me and reminded me that I am loved and cared for. I have family around to support and help me and that is a very precious gift.


And that feels .... well wonderful!


Just Connie

Unexpected Journey - Serenity

I have spent the day drowsing, reading and watching TV. I have to admit that this is not really " my kind of day" but it is probably exactly the kind of day I need right now. I have so many things that I need to be doing right now, that I have to admit to feeling a bit of frustration. I have taxes to pull together, an annual report that is past due to the denomination and am issue at the fire hall that I am in the midst of. and yet there is no way for me to actually do any of these things right now.


So I guess it really comes down to the serenity prayer ....

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

I need to focus on what I can actually do right now and I guess that would be resting and healing. The rest will eventually sort itself out. Focus ....

It seems like it should be so much easier ...

Just Connie

Unexpected Journey - Grace

I made an outing to the pharmacy today to purchase a piece of equipment called a "peak flow meter". This little doohickey measures my lung function and will help me keep track of how I am healing. I have also been introduced to home blood pressure checks as well as a host of medicines and treatments.


I am trying to not get frustrated with all of this "stuff", but to encompass each of these with humor and grace. The humor has been fairly easy because so much of this is pretty funny. The grace at times feels thin. (my grace, not God's)


I think that feeling is a reminder for me that to express grace I must first experience it fully. This will be a great time for some quiet time with God. It is time to let grace flow freely and let it re-energize me as it washes all the dark of doubt and fear away.


Yes ... this unexpected journey will have some unexpected results. There are good things ahead.


Just Connie

Unexpected Journey Thoughts

I saw the doctor today ... it was not as easy or wonderful as I was hoping it would be. He first of all read my hospital discharge diagnosis ... that was rather frightening and sobering. He then went on listing the things that would need to happen in the  weeks ahead. Specialists, testing, monitoring, rest and working hard to not ever find myself here again.


I came out of the appointment tearful but knowing that there is a lot of work ahead for me, I also can still see the possibility of complete recovery and that is something to hang onto. I have a feeling that it will be challenging to focus on the goal and not the process as I continue to journey through this.


In spite of my fears, tiredness and illness, I remain convinced that this journey has important things for me. There are things to learn about myself, about God and about the people around me. I think these will be days of new growth and understanding as I walk the path ahead. Though this journey might be unexpected ... it can still be a blessing.


Now will my heart and my attitude be willing to embrace this?


Just Connie

This Journey

This journey .... this journey is difficult. I am just two days into my home recovery and I am already out of patience. With the fatigue, the drugs, the treatments ... the medicine side effects. I am so ready to be done with all of this. And yet I realize that this journey has so many more steps in front of me.


So instead of looking too far ahead, I am going to try to focus on today, faithfully living in the moment I am in. I will also strive to put aside fear, frustration and unwillingness. I am confident that there are things for me to learn on this journey. But I will never find the joy of lessons learned, if I am only focused on what I do not like.


So today, I am where I am .... resting, hopefully learning and striving to find the joy in my here and now.


It must be here somewhere ....


Just Connie

Unexpected Journey

For the last two weeks I have been on an unexpected journey. It is not a destination I ever wanted or expected, but suddenly there I was.


It began so normally with a mild cold and suddenly I was being rushed to the hospital unable to breathe. I can remember focusing blurrily on the doctor in the ER and saying, "But I have very mild asthma". I do not remember what he said, but I remember the IV's, the oxygen and then being wheeled into a room.


That morning began a 7 day stay in the hospital that was totally out of the norm of my experience. Massive steroids, every two hour breathing treatments and the constant struggle to breathe. Now that I am finally home and things are coming back into focus some things are rising to the surface about this journey.


First of all, I am very thankful for medical staff and their expertise, knowledge and experience that is bringing healing to me. I am overwhelmed by their patience and kindness as they have worked to help.


Secondly, I am grateful for friends who have gathered around me to make sure that I was ministered to during this. They took me to the hospital, brought me supplies and faithfully sat by my side to help chase discouragement away. they have been a gift that continues to help me walk this path with courage.


Thirdly, I am grateful for a church congregation and denomination that is praying so faithfully for me all the way through this. They have over and over given me the assurance of love and the reminder that God is good.


I have to say that I am not looking forward to the continued recovery process ... but I am looking forward to being well. To being able to breath and move and get back to ministry and life once again. So I will follow doctors orders, spend time praying, resting and giving my body the chance to heal.


Somehow I have a feeling that this process is going to be fairly challenging for me....


Just Connie