Melt Down

I had a melt down today. After almost 6 months of treatment it finally happened. It was so unexpected and it hit me hard. I was trying to set the date for an important required annual interview. The first date they gave me was on a Wednesday. I explained that Wednesday's were my treatment day, could they find another date? So they gave me another option ... A different Wednesday date.
So I e-mailed them again explaining that I am pretty sick and miserable on treatment day and that I receive treatment every Wednesday. So they sent me another date .... On a Wednesday. I e-mailed back and said I would be there on the required date but they needed to know that I would be pretty sick and miserable.

And then I laid my head down on my desk and cried. All of the special accommodations that I have been making for the last half year, all of the missed events and opportunities suddenly seemed like too big a price to be paying. My entire life seems to be revolving around my treatments. And there is no end ... I have years of treatment stretching ahead of me.

I really do not expect people to understand what this has been like and I try very hard to keep positive, optimistic and to trust God with my future ... But this is suddenly looming very large and very ugly. I am tired. Tired of the enormity of the treatments, tired of being sick, tired of the horrendous cost, tired of life being measured by when my treatments are.

I have to honestly say that tonight the treatments do not seem to be worth the cost. But tomorrow is a new day and I will pray for a new outlook.

Please ....

Just Connie

Thankful Heart

I received my first bill for my medical treatments today. The total bill for two months of treatment was just under $12,000. My portion after insurance is $1,800. A couple of months ago I would have laid my head down and cried when the bill arrived knowing  that there was no way for me to pay it.

But because of the generosity of my community this bill will be paid. Tomorrow I will turn it into the Treasurer who will write a check and send it off this week.

What an incredible blessing this is. Instead of desperately trying to figure out how I am going to pay for this treatment, I can relax and concentrate on getting better. And not just today, but for all of the treatments over the next 16-18 months.

I am incredibly grateful for the gift of love and support of my community. I will never forget what they have done for me. Their love strengthens me and helps me focus on getting better.

I am blessed

Just Connie

Life Changes

It was just 6 months ago that my life took a sudden change. When the phone call came, I did not know then that my life was being  changed. I remember listening carefully to the Dr trying to understand what he was saying about my blood work results. Over the next month I began to get an understanding of how completely my life was changing.

For the past 5 months I have been getting gamma globulin treatments which will give me the antibodies that I need to  ... Well to stay alive. As the reality of these Weekly treatments have sunk in I find that there are some new priorities and focuses in my life. It seems that so much of my time is spent in preparing for the treatments, receiving the treatments and then recovering from the treatments. I do not like how much time it is sucking up.

I work very hard at staying healthy and "working through the pain". I am also working hard at staying positive and optimistic. There are some days that I find it very difficult to do and at times it seems that the grief will overcome me. But I remain convinced that there are things that God will teach me as I continue on this journey. I am learning and I am leaning ... Leaning on my friends and family and leaning on God.

And I guess when I really stop to think about it .... That is a pretty good place to be.

Just Connie