Melt Down

I had a melt down today. After almost 6 months of treatment it finally happened. It was so unexpected and it hit me hard. I was trying to set the date for an important required annual interview. The first date they gave me was on a Wednesday. I explained that Wednesday's were my treatment day, could they find another date? So they gave me another option ... A different Wednesday date.
So I e-mailed them again explaining that I am pretty sick and miserable on treatment day and that I receive treatment every Wednesday. So they sent me another date .... On a Wednesday. I e-mailed back and said I would be there on the required date but they needed to know that I would be pretty sick and miserable.

And then I laid my head down on my desk and cried. All of the special accommodations that I have been making for the last half year, all of the missed events and opportunities suddenly seemed like too big a price to be paying. My entire life seems to be revolving around my treatments. And there is no end ... I have years of treatment stretching ahead of me.

I really do not expect people to understand what this has been like and I try very hard to keep positive, optimistic and to trust God with my future ... But this is suddenly looming very large and very ugly. I am tired. Tired of the enormity of the treatments, tired of being sick, tired of the horrendous cost, tired of life being measured by when my treatments are.

I have to honestly say that tonight the treatments do not seem to be worth the cost. But tomorrow is a new day and I will pray for a new outlook.

Please ....

Just Connie