One of the joys I have in life is my work with the Fire Department. In so many ways it keeps me fresh and gives me joy. One of the things I have always enjoyed, is being part of drills. Not only do I get to work alongside people I like and respect, but I am learning things that are highly unusual for a woman my age. I am also getting to know crew members in a whole new way.
Knowing how good it has been for me, I was rather taken aback yesterday as I was conducting interviews at the Fire Department. We are getting ready to hire a new Community Paramedic. As we interviewed one man we asked about his fire skills and he made the comment that at his age he didn't really want to go into burning buildings. I looked down at his resume and quickly calculated. The man was 9 years younger than I was! It was all I could do to not laugh. But I schooled my face into a professional demeanor and got through the interview. As we discussed the merits of the candidate, I brought up his statement and we all laughed as I pointed out that I was older by far and I was training with the crews.
It got me thinking about our perspective in life. I am always excited to learn new things and look for the experiences that will keep me young. I felt in many ways that this man had decided that he was old and needed to do things that were appropriate for his advanced age. I rather think that would be a joyless way to live. And thinking back he did not smile much during his interview.
I want to live fully, I want to learn, I want to run towards the burning houses. I want to rappel off buildings and get certified for water rescue. All of the things I have been filling my life with. I think I would rather live my life and have it filled with joy, than to be safe and surrounded by the mundane.
But that is just me, and everyone has to find their own path and their own bliss. Who knew that mine would be found as I jumped off the edge of a 4 story structure?
Just Connie
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Time
It has become apparent that I have lot a lot of things "that have slid" around the house. There are all kinds of reasons, with one being that I have been sick much of the time and just did not have the energy to face it. The other primary reason is because I am never home to do the work that needs to be done. So little by little things piled up. My fence needs repairing, my garden space is overgrown and needs to be cleaned out. My deck stairs rotted out and I need to dig the soil out so they do not rot out again. The trim on the house needs to be scraped and painted. I have a roof leak in the carport and the roof needs to be treated for moss.The flower beds look like a jungle and frankly from the outside the house looks abandoned. And that is just the outside. I have several rooms inside that desperately need to be painted. I need to finish sorting and putting away my sister's things. And I have to shovel out the room my son used while he lived with me.
All of these things have been weighing on my mind as I contemplate the upcoming treatment. I have some things that have to be done while I am feeling well enough. It dawned on me several days ago that I need to take several weeks off and get at least some of these projects done. I would also like to do some camping, hiking and paddleboarding done as well. Especially the camping which is a lot more problematic while I am on treatment. I would also like to go up and se my daughter and grandsons. All of that requires ... time.
So I called my superintendent and told him that I need to take some time off before I begin treatments again. He asked me to call a board meeting and is planning on Skyping in with us for the meeting. He said he had some ideas but did not specify what he was thinking. I have to admit that it makes me a bit nervous. It took me a while to figure out what was making me nervous and I realized that I have had this nagging feeling that at some point the church and/or the Conference will get fed up with my illness and replace me. My rational mind says that won't happen but I have to admit that the underlying fear is still there.
So I will probably call this week and talk to him about my time off. For one thing I do not want to burn up all of my vacation on what is only the 2nd month of my vacation cycle. I will also lay out a priority list on what I need to do around the house and prepare to hit it hard with whatever amount of time I actually take off.
Lots to do with little time .... sigh ....
Just Connie
All of these things have been weighing on my mind as I contemplate the upcoming treatment. I have some things that have to be done while I am feeling well enough. It dawned on me several days ago that I need to take several weeks off and get at least some of these projects done. I would also like to do some camping, hiking and paddleboarding done as well. Especially the camping which is a lot more problematic while I am on treatment. I would also like to go up and se my daughter and grandsons. All of that requires ... time.
So I called my superintendent and told him that I need to take some time off before I begin treatments again. He asked me to call a board meeting and is planning on Skyping in with us for the meeting. He said he had some ideas but did not specify what he was thinking. I have to admit that it makes me a bit nervous. It took me a while to figure out what was making me nervous and I realized that I have had this nagging feeling that at some point the church and/or the Conference will get fed up with my illness and replace me. My rational mind says that won't happen but I have to admit that the underlying fear is still there.
So I will probably call this week and talk to him about my time off. For one thing I do not want to burn up all of my vacation on what is only the 2nd month of my vacation cycle. I will also lay out a priority list on what I need to do around the house and prepare to hit it hard with whatever amount of time I actually take off.
Lots to do with little time .... sigh ....
Just Connie
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Laughter is the Best Medicine
One of the things I have made a commitment to is to be in yoga classes every day that they are available and I can somehow make it. That has meant over the past year that I get up at 4:45 and head to a nearby community for early morning yoga class. And on several nights a week it means evening yoga classes that begin at 8pm. On Mondays that means 3 yoga classes. One in the morning and 2 back to back classes in the evening. Yoga has been very good for me. It keeps me moving, helps my lungs to breath deep and is especially helpful when I am on treatment.
I am very blessed by my yoga instructor who is also my primary care doctor. He keeps a close eye on me during classes and I help out by unlocking for class, setting up the studio for each class and checking people into class.
Normally I am so thrilled to be in class and look forward to challenge of encouraging my body to stretch and move. However, yesterday all I wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. But I had two back to back classes to help with. So though my mind was in turmoil, I put a smile on my face and headed to class. I did pretty well before class as I greeted people and heard about their weekends. But once the lights were dimmed and we were into class I found it very difficult to "stay in the moment". At several points I fund tears rolling down my face as I contemplated what a new course of treatment would bring. But I made it through class and waved goodbye to everyone as I waited for the next class to arrive.
As I waited the outside door opened and in tumbled two of my ministerial students, laughing, giggling and ready to tease. I laughed when I saw them and felt some of the turmoil in my mind move away as I invited them to stay for class. So for the next hour I exercised as they teased me, stole my phone, took selfies with my phone(I now have a new background photo) and shared their joy with me. At the end of class I hugged them and told them God had sent them to me. It was an incredible gift of joy when my heart was hurting.
As I have reflected on that gift, several things occurred to me. First of all, I did not know that I needed them, but God did. Second of all, they did not know that I needed them, but God did. and thirdly, laughter as we are told in Scripture is good medicine.
I am thankful for good medicine from the God who knows every cell and every molecule of my body.
I am very blessed by my yoga instructor who is also my primary care doctor. He keeps a close eye on me during classes and I help out by unlocking for class, setting up the studio for each class and checking people into class.
Normally I am so thrilled to be in class and look forward to challenge of encouraging my body to stretch and move. However, yesterday all I wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. But I had two back to back classes to help with. So though my mind was in turmoil, I put a smile on my face and headed to class. I did pretty well before class as I greeted people and heard about their weekends. But once the lights were dimmed and we were into class I found it very difficult to "stay in the moment". At several points I fund tears rolling down my face as I contemplated what a new course of treatment would bring. But I made it through class and waved goodbye to everyone as I waited for the next class to arrive.
As I waited the outside door opened and in tumbled two of my ministerial students, laughing, giggling and ready to tease. I laughed when I saw them and felt some of the turmoil in my mind move away as I invited them to stay for class. So for the next hour I exercised as they teased me, stole my phone, took selfies with my phone(I now have a new background photo) and shared their joy with me. At the end of class I hugged them and told them God had sent them to me. It was an incredible gift of joy when my heart was hurting.
As I have reflected on that gift, several things occurred to me. First of all, I did not know that I needed them, but God did. Second of all, they did not know that I needed them, but God did. and thirdly, laughter as we are told in Scripture is good medicine.
I am thankful for good medicine from the God who knows every cell and every molecule of my body.
"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22
Just Connie
Monday, July 11, 2016
To Treat or to Not Treat
Well it came .... the news I had been waiting for from the Immunologist. His nurse called me today with the blood test results. MY IGG is low in all three categories. I found myself listening as the nurse blithely said, "You probably aren't surprised by the results. It looks like we will be moving ahead with treatment." But the reality is that I was stunned by the results. It took my breath away. I did not even realize how much I was hoping that I would not be going back into treatment. Hoping enough that that I was struggling to keep my voice even as I talked to the nurse about what I would have to do. I wrote down my instructions for the vaccines I would have to get and the follow up blood work that needed to be done and slowly hung the phone up.
The grief just welled up and poured out as I contemplated a future of unending treatments .... treatments that would keep me alive. The cost ... financially, physically and emotionally was staggering. And in that moment I thought ... what if I do not have treatment? I let that thought roll around as I considered it. The horrendous financial burden would be lifted. My life would be free of the constant drag of arranging everything around treatment. I could take trips, go backpacking ... have a life .... well for a while. But steadily ... I would be caught again in a constant round of infections. Infections that would crash my lungs and hospitalize me. Infections that the doctors tell me will kill me.
So there it is ... caught between the life I want and the life I have. I do not have to decide today, I will have 7 weeks to make this decision. Tonight I have to admit that I am feeling pretty torn. It is very tempting to opt out of treatment. But ... is that God's best for me? Is it fair to my family and friends. Is it even fair to the hundreds of people who have so generously donated over the past year so that I could have these life giving treatments. Would it be an incredible act of selfishness to not seek treatment?
I don't know ... but I am trusting that God will make it clear to me in the weeks ahead. I just need to seek him .... more than I seek my own comfort. Sigh ... sounds so easy and yet sometimes is so very hard.
Just Connie
The grief just welled up and poured out as I contemplated a future of unending treatments .... treatments that would keep me alive. The cost ... financially, physically and emotionally was staggering. And in that moment I thought ... what if I do not have treatment? I let that thought roll around as I considered it. The horrendous financial burden would be lifted. My life would be free of the constant drag of arranging everything around treatment. I could take trips, go backpacking ... have a life .... well for a while. But steadily ... I would be caught again in a constant round of infections. Infections that would crash my lungs and hospitalize me. Infections that the doctors tell me will kill me.
So there it is ... caught between the life I want and the life I have. I do not have to decide today, I will have 7 weeks to make this decision. Tonight I have to admit that I am feeling pretty torn. It is very tempting to opt out of treatment. But ... is that God's best for me? Is it fair to my family and friends. Is it even fair to the hundreds of people who have so generously donated over the past year so that I could have these life giving treatments. Would it be an incredible act of selfishness to not seek treatment?
I don't know ... but I am trusting that God will make it clear to me in the weeks ahead. I just need to seek him .... more than I seek my own comfort. Sigh ... sounds so easy and yet sometimes is so very hard.
Just Connie
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