To Treat or to Not Treat

Well it came .... the news I had been waiting for from the Immunologist. His nurse called me today with the blood test results. MY IGG is low in all three categories. I found myself listening as the nurse  blithely said, "You probably aren't surprised by the results. It looks like we will be moving ahead with treatment." But the reality is that I was stunned by the results. It took my breath away. I did not even realize how much I was hoping that I would not be going back into treatment. Hoping enough that that I was struggling to keep my voice even as I talked to the nurse about what I would have to do. I wrote down my instructions for the vaccines I would have to get and the follow up blood work that needed to be done and slowly hung the phone up.

The grief just welled up and poured out as I contemplated a future of unending treatments .... treatments that would keep me alive. The cost ...  financially, physically and emotionally was staggering. And in that moment I thought ... what if I do not have treatment? I let that thought roll around as I considered it. The horrendous financial burden would be lifted. My life would be free of the constant drag of arranging everything around treatment. I could take trips, go backpacking ... have a life .... well for a while. But steadily ... I would be caught again in a constant round of infections. Infections that would crash my lungs and hospitalize me. Infections that the doctors tell me will  kill me.

So there it is ... caught between the life I want and the life I have. I do not have to decide today, I will have 7 weeks to make this decision. Tonight I have to admit that I am feeling pretty torn. It is very tempting to opt out of treatment. But ... is that God's best for me? Is it fair to my family and friends. Is it even fair to the hundreds of people who have so generously donated over the past year so that I could have these life giving treatments. Would it be an incredible act of selfishness to not seek treatment?

I don't know ... but I am trusting that God will make it clear to me in the weeks ahead. I just need to seek him .... more than I seek my own comfort. Sigh ... sounds so easy and yet sometimes is so very hard.

Just Connie