Struggling and Learning

I have been struggling this past week with a sense of sadness. There are all kinds of reasons ... my past history with Thanksgiving week, my inability to get my new pellet stove working correctly, the cold and congestion I have been fighting for several weeks, and even spending Thanksgiving alone has all contributed to this. Recognizing that there are multiple reasons why I am feeling the way I am feeling reminds me that there is no easy fix.

So I am spending the day resting and letting my body hopefully recuperate I will continue to search my heart as I remember the past and let God continue to bring healing to the wounded places that are left. I will also tackle the issue of my pellet stove in a couple of days, realizing that if I need to I can hire a professional to tell us what is wrong.

So I find myself at the point of once again, allowing myself to "feel the feelings". I will allow them to teach me things I need to learn and keep pointing me to grace and freedom.

There are good things ahead ....

Thanksgiving 2013

Growing up I often felt like I did not fit in. That is not different from most teens, but the reality is that I really did not fit in. I was a country girl in an inner city school. I had fun in school but I did not form close friendships. Instead I knew most everybody and was friendly but not friends.

As an adult I have been surprised at how often I feel that feeling. Sometimes it is my gender, sometimes my profession and sometimes I am not sure what it is that keeps me from really fitting in with those around me.

One of the places I so often feel out place in, is within my own extended family. I do not doubt their love for me. It is  just that I do not fit into family gatherings and life. I have a feeling that some of it is personalities, some of it my life style and probably the fact that I do not often have the time to be with them. I also realize that there are issues growing out of my divorce which still causes discomfort and a lack of trust. I do not like it, but it is there.

With all of that being said, I did not spend Thanksgiving with them today. I spent it at home with the dogs quietly reflecting on all I am thankful for. And I realize that in spite of the difficulties I am thankful for my family. For their love of life and their love of me. I am fortunate in the wonderful upbringing I had and for the way my family draws together for celebrations.

I am thankful for my family and thankful that love is not determined by comfort. They love me and I love them.

Just Connie

Restoration

Over 25 years ago God began to intertwine my life with the lives of another family. Our two families did everything together. We laughed together, cried together and played together. Those relationships were vitally important to me and to my well-being.

When my husband left, it was a heart rending break in our relationship. For 15 years we had no contact. I not only did not seek information about them, I avoided it because it was so incredibly painful to me. Two years ago, God brought our paths together through Facebook. Little by little we have spent time together, learning about the years apart and getting to know each other again. It has been good to have that gaping wound in my heart healed.

Several weeks ago I was surprised and blessed to see my dear friends when they showed up to surprise me at a church service. We were able to spend several hours together, laughing and talking, talking, talking. It felt so good and so right to have them here.

Just moments ago I got a message from them that they had accepted a call to a church in Grand Ronde ... Grand Ronde! That is minutes away from me! They are going to be here  ... in my area ... with me!

I am excited, I am blessed, but I am also struck by a sense of how God continues to restore what Satan had robbed me of. This friendship that is so important to me, has been given back ... given in a way that we will have frequent contact with each other.

I am already planning the things I want to do ... the places I want to show them. There is so much here and just so much I want to share with them. Just so much .....

I think ... I think they need to take up backpacking!

Just Connie

This is Not Forever

There are so many reasons why God never wanted us to incorporate divorce into our marriages. But yet He knew that when sin enters in and the covenant between husband and wife is broken, sometimes there is no choice. But still it was never what God dreamed for us as husband and wife.

I am often reminded of how incredibly painful divorce is, but never so keenly as around the holidays. First of all, both of my marriages blew up around the holidays. In fact 15 years ago today I was handed a letter and then my husband sailed off to his brand new life. But secondly, the issue of children and celebrating the holidays becomes incredibly messy. Somehow over the years my husband seemed to gain custody of all holidays. I have worked hard to be a good sport and just let the kids do what they want to do. It seems counter productive to manipulate or pressure them into spending time with me when they would rather be somewhere else. But I am finding that some years it is more painful than others.

I have worked hard to try to not sit and mope on the holidays. I strive to make sure that I invite myself to someone's house or go and spend it with my family when I can. Some years it just does not seem to work out that way. It looks like this year is going to be one of those kind of years ... and to be honest that makes me incredibly sad. Sad that I am alone, sad that the kids are not with me, sad that I am not with my family .... just sad.

I am aware that this is not a "forever" feeling. The sadness will pass and life will go on. And I also think there are things I can learn right here at this point of sadness. I am willing to find the lesson in this.

I just wish it was not quite so painful ....

Just Connie

Wake Up Call

It was 5:00am when I heard the sound that every pet owner dreads ... the sound of a dog throwing up. The sound actually registered seconds too late as I realized that the dog had just thrown up all over me. Every dog in the world tries to find a quiet corner to get sick in, but not my dog. My dog wants her mommy when she is sick. Which explained why I was laying in bed covered in dog barf and trying to not get sick myself.

However, I got out of bed in record time and stripped myself naked and drug the dog outside. Then I showered and scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. Then ... I got to go and strip the bed and begin the long disgusting  process of washing the bedding, the two comforters and everything else.

Since then I have had a long talk with the dog about the inadvisability of barfing on her meal ticket. She has not seemed very impressed so far. I am thinking that perhaps I would rather invite a passing coyote or a pack of wolves to come and sleep with me instead. It surely could not be worse than this?

Could it ....?

Just Connie

War

My first inkling of a problem was the howling and growling. Rolling over to look at the clock I realized that it was 2:30 in the morning and there was war going on in my backyard. Jumping out of bed I ran to the patio to join my son who was yelling. and trying to  find his dog.

The quick story was that he let his dog out and there were raccoons on the patio ... and the war was on. Over the next 5 minutes we tried to get the dog out from under the deck. But finally he brought in his snarling growling bloody dog.

And then the work began. I grabbed towels and began the long process of trying to determine what was the dog's  blood and what was raccoon blood. But finally things had been cleaned enough to determine that she had puncture wounds in her ears, her neck and her snout. The blood on her legs and body had no wounds and my guess was that it was raccoon blood. As I cleaned the wounds, I also tried to calm down my son who was ready to go and hunt down the raccoons.

The ending was that the dog is going to be okay, the raccoons are gone for now and I discovered it is very hard to go back to sleep after a raccoon war and middle of the night triage.

I am thinking a nap is sounding pretty good today ....

Just Connie

Surprise!

I was working at my office at the church when a helpful person came and pointed out to me that our recycling bin was sitting across the street and our recycling day was not until next week. Knowing that it would be in the way where it was, I decided to go out and move it. Being a cold blustery day and me a native Oregonian, I of course did not put a coat on and ran out in the wind and the cold to take care of it.

Of course the recycling bin is about the same size that I am and as usual was over-full. I began to take it back across the street to the back of the church when I stopped for a dump truck going by, I was surprised and blessed when he stopped for me to cross the street. I was further surprised when half way across the street, the wind caught the bin  which then flipped on it's side. Papers and cardboard spilled out across the street. Looking at the mess, I immediately realized that this was not going to be a quick or easy fix. Further realizing that I was holding up the driver and the dump truck I waved him  to try to go around me.

As I stood there with papers spilling out across my feet, I suddenly had this picture of what it must look like. Papers flying the wind, hair whipping, shivering, wrestling this monster recycling bin, with  the driver  just shaking his head in amazement. That was when the giggles began.

Laughing, I began trying to push the paper to the side so the truck could get past me as I tried to drag my hair out of my face so I could see what I was doing. I suddenly realized the dump truck had stopped in the middle of the street and the driver was getting out. As he walked up, "He said, "Looks like you need some help". I laughed and thanked him as together we began to pick everything up.

In a few minutes we had the mess cleaned up and he had taken the bin back to the church for me. As I waved goodbye to my new friend,  I was still laughing and somehow it did not seem quite so cold and stormy anymore.

I have a feeling that this was one of those God meetings. It is not how I would have imagined things happening. But don't you love it when God's plan comes together.

But do I always have to be the comic relief .....

Just Connie