Giving Life

I finished up a sermon series today. I have been preaching about the "One Anothers". The first week I preached "Love & Submission". Last week it was "Unity & Forgiveness". Today we wrapped it up with a group of scriptures that tell us to give life to each other.

The idea of giving life is so foreign to the culture we live in. Yet it is the call that Christ has given us. We are told to encourage one another, spur one another to love, practice hospitality with each other, be kind to one another and speak songs and hymns to each other. All of those things build each other up, point us towards Christ and are dependent on the love of Christ within us.

How different things would be if we really began to choose to give life to each other. It would change our families, our churches and our community. I guess when it comes down to it, it is a choice. By an act of my will I can choose to love, to serve ... I can choose to give life to those around me.

I want to be that kind of person. I want to give life. I want to draw people to Christ through my actions, through my reactions ... but most of all through my love. I have a feeling that it will take everything I have ... but will be soooooo worth it.

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on to love" Hebrews 10:24

Just Connie

Writing Day

I am tired tonight. I spent the day writing. Not writing fun creative stuff, but writing hard stuff. I had a couple of letters that I needed to write. I needed to share honestly and openly my journey of this past year and the decisions that I have come to. I found it to be very difficult to do so.

I spent a lot of time looking at the page and even more time erasing what I had already written. I would write and think and write and think some more. It took me all day to write two letters. Here it is 10:30 at night and I have the letters finished and ready to mail on Monday.

The task is done and so is my energy. I feel like I have been running marathons. So I am going to call it a night and put my busy thoughts away for the night.

"Oh that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest" Psalm 55:6

Just Connie

Tough Day

It has been a tough day. Some days are like that. They just seem to be filled with more than its fair share of difficulties and emotion. Today has been one of those kind of days.

This has been a day of fresh awareness for me. The thing about fresh awareness is that it so often accompanies painful truths. That is definitely the case for me today. I have been meeting with a counselor who has been helping me walk through the pain and the grief of this past year. Meeting with her has been a really important decision. She is helping me look at things honestly and face them squarely. Our meeting today covered some very painful topics.

But the thing that I am finding is that there is freedom in uncovering and freeing the truth to the light of day. Though today was painful, it took me further along on this path of healing. Step by step, I am finding my way. I am tired, my head hurts, my eyes are swollen, but I think I am headed in the right direction. One of these days I am going to be ready to spread my wings and fly.

I think tonight I will look at the stars and dream of flying.

"I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security" Jeremiah 33:6

Just Connie

Decisions

There are times in our lives when there are decisions to make. Sometimes we have to make decisions on the fly and we make the best choice we can with the information we have. Sometimes we have time to reflect carefully. Laying out all of the potential ramifications and weighing each of them with exacting care.

I have a decision before me. I do not have to decide on the fly, but I will not have many days to work through this. I am finding that wrestling with this decision is exhausting and consuming. Even when I push it away from me, I find it thrusting its unwelcome presence into quiet moments.

I think one of the problems is that some of the potential ramifications are scary to me. They dredge up some of the fears and hurts of the past years. I somehow want to keep those fears from making the decision for me.

So tonight I am thinking. I think ..... I will be doing a lot of thinking in the next few days.

"Now think it over and see what you can do ..." 1 Samuel 25:17

Just Connie

Antique Day

I spent the day with friends today. It was good to laugh and talk and be with people who love me. We left the big town on Willamina and went antiquing. I have not done that since .... well it has probably been over 12 years since I have done that with friends.

I found today to be interesting in so many ways. First of all, the sheer joy of being with like minded people was a tremendous blessing. We saw some unusual and beautiful antiques. I spoke with people who had a love for things that were interesting and ... had the patina of age and grace on them. Secondly, it reminded me of things that have been important to me since childhood. A love of antiques that I had pushed away and hidden for so long.

I think that I had gotten very good at submerging what was important to me as I have just tried to survive over the past years. I think today was a reminder to begin to let loose all of the things I have hidden inside for so long. All of the things that make me ... me.

I think that it will be an interesting process to find out who I am. It will be even more interesting to see if I have the courage to let it all out and then celebrate the woman God made me to be. I guess only time will tell if I can. Today was a good start.

"For everything that God created is good and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving" 1 Timothy 4:4

Just Connie

Tomorrow's Sun

My head hurts, my eyes are swollen and frankly I am tired of crying. But my body doesn't seem to be done, it is still crying whether I want it to or not. So here I sit trying to organize my thoughts and they just will not organize.

I do not seem to be getting cooperation from any part of my body. But I think in actuality my body is trying to get me to pay attention. It is saying "Hey! That hurts! " It is actually a good reminder for me that emotions are to warn and inform. If I try to lock them down or ignore them I guess they cannot do what they are designed to do.

I guess I need to cry and let my thoughts be unorganized. It will begin to come clear and the path through the hurt will emerge from the dark. I have confidence that the sun will come out tomorrow.

"My God turns my darkness into light" Psalm 18:28

Just Connie

The Task

I have a task hanging over my head that I do not want to do. This is not a pastoral task ..... it is a personal task. I can feel it there, weighing me down, casting a shadow over my days activities. I had planned on doing it today, but I somehow just did not get it done.

It is something that I know that must be done, something I have made my mind up to do .... yet when it comes right down to it, I am finding it very difficult. I can feel the swirl of emotions whirling around me as I consider what has to be done. I feel sadness and grief, I feel a loss that is breathtaking and I can feel the fear flickering around the edges, threatening to start a firestorm of emotions.

So tonight I am trying to set my thoughts to tomorrow with a determined resolution. I will get this thing done. I will not let my fear distract me or my sadness sap my strength and focus. I will ... I will ... I will.

"Though you probe my heart and examine me at night, though you test me,you will find nothing, I have resolved that my mouth will not sin." Psalm 17:3

Just Connie

Preaching Thoughts

I have been in the midst of a series of sermons about the "One Another's" I have split them into three weeks. Last week was "Love & Submission". The reminder that we are called to love each other and to serve each other. It has been an interesting series and I have gotten good response from it.

Today I preached the second in the series "Unity and Forgiveness". There is no unity without forgiveness. We are called to be in one accord, we are called to forgive as we have been forgiven. Most of us have events in our lives were people have let us down, betrayed us ... done the unthinkable. If we refuse to forgive, there is no unity, there is no love ... bitterness begins to eat away at my relationships. It is toxic.

The thing about preaching is that it forces you to examine your own heart. it is impossible to preach about love, if I am not loving ... or to preach about service and not be serving. As I prepared for today's sermon, I had to examine my own life. I had to ask myself, "Am I harboring any ill feelings" "Have I forgiven those who have hurt me?" More to the point I spent some reflecting on how I was feeling about Gerrald's choices and how those choices have effected me.

After spending some time reflecting on my feelings and thoughts, it dawned on me that my primary emotion is not anger and bitterness ... it is grief and sadness. It is hard to be angry at someone who is so ill. The emotions I am feeling are uncomfortable, but appropriate for the process that I am in.

I am glad for the opportunity to do some self checks. Next week the sermon is the idea of our lives "Giving Life" or "Giving Death"; living a life that makes a difference . Just imagine the self check I will go through to preach that.

"Bear with one another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13

Just Connie

Walking & Learning

I found the holidays .... well I guess challenging is the best way I can put it. I struggled to find balance in the midst of the pain and loneliness. Everything felt a bit "off" to me. Not quite right ... different. There were also things that I decided to not face at all. Things like Christmas decorations. Too many memories ... too fresh and I found myself not ready to begin to create new traditions yet again. So the Christmas decorations stayed safely in the attic where they will lay in wait for me next year.

I worked hard to find joy in the small moments throughout Christmas. I enjoyed friendships, I found ways to celebrate with my family. I threw myself into ministry and study and I strove to not wallow in the hurt.

I am done with a year of painful firsts. Does that mean that the pain is magically gone? Sigh ... no ... it would be nice, but the process of healing continues. I am still carefully examining the wounds and trying to learn from the hurt. It is a challenging process, in fact it is a painful process. But I think that this process will teach me a lot about myself, will give me new understanding of God's grace and will bring light and peace to this path that I am on.

"We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield" Psalm 33:20

Walking in hope and learning.

Just Connie

Great Nephew

I am blessed with a delightful great nephew. I am spending a couple of days with him while his parents are out of town. I forget what it is like to live with a four year old. I think I understand why God gives us 4 year olds when we are young. It is exhausting. Fun and entertaining, but exhausting.

I came prepared with some arts and crafts. So when I am not running him back and forth to Pre-School or cleaning up four year old messes, then I have some activities to help keep him occupied. Yesterday, we made cards with glue and glitter for his parents. Today we are making a sail boat model. It is all glued together and we are in the process of painting it. Tomorrow we are going to build a paddle boat. The fun never ends!

Family is a wonderful and precious thing. I am very thankful for my family. I am also glad for the chance to revisit what it is like to have a toddler in the house. I am also glad that this is not my daily reality. It is a nice place to visit but I do not want to live here!

"If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially his immediate family. he has denied the faith is is worse than an unbeliever" I Timothy 5:8

Just Connie

Hospitality

Tonight I practiced hospitality. I had friends in for dinner tonight. It was sooooo much fun. I do not often have the chance to have people over to my house. I used to do a lot of entertaining and I guess I had gotten out of the habit over the past 10 years.

There is something very satisfying about cleaning a bit more than I usually do and cooking things that I would never make for just me. To sit down with like minded friends and enjoy each other is a wonderful thing.

I think I need to stir myself a bit more. I think it is past time to begin to invite more people over to the house. Tonight was a good reminder that hospitality is something we are called to do. It is good for us.

"Practice hospitality" Romans 12:13

Just Connie

Grandson

I met someone new today. I was introduced to Hayden William, age 1 week and my grandson this afternoon. He was so tiny and so perfect. I am so thankful that I was able to spend a couple of hours with him.

When I got there he was crying which made him look a lot like his father. He was hungry and cranky and they quickly handed me the baby and a bottle of milk. It was wonderful, it was incredible and I could have sat there with him for hours more. I played with his incredibly long fingers and smoothed the wrinkles of concentration from his brow while he drank. He ate and fell asleep in my arms.

I marvel at the sheer perfection of a newborn baby. The intricate design of a baby has the fingerprints of God all over it. Every organ, every cell perfectly balanced and working together. It is such a good reminder that we are wonderfully and fearfully made by the Master Creator Himself.

I am glad for the reminder, I am thankful for this new little life. I am hoping that Nana Cocoa will be able to spend many hours loving this precious addition.

"Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him" Psalm 127:3

Avatar

Oooooo-eeeeeee! I just got back from seeing Avatar in 3-D. It was wonderful. Besides the fact that the story was good, the special effects were incredible. I was blown away at how real everything was and the beauty of the alien world they created.

I also had never seen a 3-D movie before. I found that to be more amazing than even the movie. To feel like I was part of the movie set itself was ... well I am out of words to describe it. I am awed at the entire experience.

It was good to laugh with friends and spend a couple hours doing something so totally fun. I think it might be nice to go to a movie more than once a year. It is one of those things that I have never done by myself. Perhaps that would be something for me to try in the days ahead.

I think I will go to bed with a smile on my face tonight and that is a good feeling.

"I will forget my complaint, I will change my expression, and smile" Job 9:27

Just Connie

Revelation

I have a dear friend who is a licensed counselor. She is very good at holding up a mirror for me to see things that I otherwise would not have the courage to look at on my own. Recently she has been helping me look honestly at my husband and our relationship over the past 10 years.

With her guidance and help, I have been having some uncomfortable revelations. My husband's anger and rages, his drinking, the threats and intimidation, the things things that I am too embarrassed to say out loud ... as well as my fear of him and my injuries all add up. But it adds up to something I have not been willing to admit or name. Abuse is such a harsh word. It is something that happens to other people. It can't happen to me. I am a professional, I am educated, I counsel ..... but the reality is that I am an abused wife.

I am beginning to identify the path that brought me to that. It is a horrific revelation and I admit to a hovering sense of shame. But I am coming to realize that false shame has imprisoned me for 10 long years. It has fenced me in and clouded my perceptions.

I am being given the chance to face this issue. I am trying to do it with honesty and integrity. I am finding it extremely painful, but life changing. I think it is time (past time) to walk into the future that God is offering me. A future of freedom, a future that is not fenced in by fear. A future where I can be everything that God created me to be. To be free indeed ....

"I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts." Psalm 119:45

Just Connie

Pastor's Lunch

Today I had lunch with 6 other pastors. We came from various denominations and backgrounds. We all happen to pastor churches in the Willamina/Grand Ronde/Sheridan communities. We meet together once a month for support, fellowship and good conversation.

Today we met at my church and we got into a discussion on how to best communicate with our communities. It was a fascinating discussion. As I listened, I realized that I learned more about my fellow pastors than I learned about the community. It was so enlightening to listen to their responses to each other and the ideas that were bandied about.

I came away from the meeting knowing that there is a good group of pastors in the community who are more interested in helping people than filling pews. I also came away with a sense of camaraderie that only good fellowship brings. It filled me with energy and sent me on to the next task with a light heart. I can use a few more meetings like this.

"He is a dear brother, a faithful minister and a faithful servant of the Lord" Colossians 4:7

Just Connie

Victory & Busyness

Busy day, busy day, busy day! It sometimes feels as if everything waits until the same day to all break loose at the same time. I counseled a grieving widow, I comforted a mother whose child had gotten in legal trouble, I worked on my sermon for Sunday and cleared off a bunch of the desk work that seems to pile up overnight,worked on the Order of Service for Sunday and just plain worked.

In spite of the busyness, I love being a pastor, even days like today when it can be hard to feel the resounding victory. There is still victory and joy to be found. In the tears of the widow, there was the knowledge of God's grace bringing her through. In praying with the troubled mother there was the knowledge that God answers prayers. In preparing for Sunday's sermon, the joy of seeing it all come together and see God's Word unfold.

There is joy to be found if you are looking for it, even in days like today. My job is to keep my eyes open and my heart receptive. The joy will follow and that is victory for even the darkest days.

"With God we will gain the victory" Psalm 60:12

Just Connie

Puppy Play

The dogs have been driving me crazy today. Of course some might say that is a short trip for me. But they have been wrestling all day long. And of course their favorite place to play is right under my feet. It makes typing rather challenging.

Right now they are jumping around and barking at each other ... under my feet of course. So I have typed this line multiple times. I keep swinging my feet and telling them to go play somewhere else. But no ..... this is where they want to play. Having a 100 pound sheep dog leaping and jumping in my tiny little house is too much dog. Then add the 3 month old puppy to the mix and it is way toooooo much!

Luckily they will both eventually wear out. Probably not before I do, but they will stop at some point. You know, I think it might benefit most of us if we would learn to play like that. To put all of our energy and zest into doing something purely for fun and pleasure. I think too often I go through my days working and doing the things I should and forget the joy of playing. Perhaps it is time for me to take the time to play .... perhaps it is time for some puppy play of my own.

I am not sure that I have the energy ... but it might be fun trying.

Just Connie

Live and Laugh

This afternoon I attended a friend's birthday party. It was an small eclectic group of people that gathered. We were a wide range of ages and backgrounds who happen to attend the same church. Some of us were ministers and some were not. We gathered to spend time with each other and so share birthday blessings with the birthday girl.

We ate, we opened presents, we ate some more, but mostly we talked and best of all we laughed. We laughed and laughed and laughed. There is something so healing and so refreshing about laughing. It drew us together as a group and lightened our hearts.

I noticed after I kissed everyone goodbye, I was still smiling as I drove off. I am smiling still as I reflect on our time together tonight. I have said it before, laughter is so vital to our lives. It lightens the heart, but I believe that it also bolsters hope.

I am going to try to laugh lots, live well and love exuberantly. There is life to live and live abundantly.

"The cheerful heart has a continual feast" Proverbs 15:15

Just Connie

Baby Thoughts

26 years ago tomorrow, I stood in the adoption agency and with trembling arms held my son for the first time. He was 6 days old and screaming at the top of his lungs. When they placed him in my arms, he stopped crying. I can remember the sense of wonder and awe as I examined each small finger.

Tonight, my baby had a baby. My son Tony called to tell me that he was the proud father of Hayden William, 7 pounds, 18 inches long and doing great. It is an amazing thought to think of my son as a father. It is even stranger to think of me as a grandmother.

There is no way to adequately tell someone how their life will never be the same again. From this point forward every decision is weighed with the needs of that small growing life. Nights will become shorter, energy will flag and the mountains of dirty clothes will grow. But there will be baby giggles and first steps and messy baby kisses that make everything so worthwhile.

I hope that I can be a help and a support to this newcomer. I hope I can be the type of grandmother that brings joy, happiness and light and life with me. I hope, I hope .... I hope.

Just Connie

Waiting for the Dawn

I spent the day in meetings. As a pastor some days are like that. There are counseling sessions, visitations, committees, Conference activities, drop in visits and ..... well ... people and more people. I enjoy people, I love being with them and there is joy in getting to know each unique person. But I have to admit at the end of a day like today, it is good to be home.

Here in my own little house I can curl up by the fire, wrestle with dogs and just process the day's events. I find it interesting that I do not feel lonely tonight. There is a comfort and peace right where I am. I think it has helped to spend the day with people, doing what God has called me to do. There is a sense of completeness and contentment that has often been missing over the past year.

It is a reminder that God is bringing healing and hope to my life. The dawn of a new day is just around the corner. Until then, I need to just keep faithfully doing the work God sets me to. One step at a time ... one day at a time until the dawn breaks.


"Even in darkness the light dawns for the upright" Psalm 112:4
Just Connie

Numbers Game

All my life I have been blessed with a gift for numbers. In high school I took Algebra, Trigonometry, Geometry and finally my father said "enough". I was glad because to be honest I never really liked working with numbers. But I tested well and on my SAT's I scored in the top 25% in the nation. I can remember looking at those numbers and thinking "so? i am never going to use that again!"

It took me years to realize how my gift for numbers would help in the pastorate. There were budgets and financial decisions to make. Then for the last 10 years I was responsible to raise 4 million dollars a year for the Mission. I also set up and administrated that budget. I oversaw all of the donations, processing and gifts for the agency. It taught me a lot about non profit leadership and gave me a deeper understanding of corporate financial structures.

Now here I am back in the pastorate and realizing anew how that gift for numbers is a help to the church. I not only chair our budget and finance committee locally but I also serve on the Conference Ministry Resource Team and help oversee the finances for the entire conference.

I have to say that I never could have anticipated how God would use a gifting for something that I did not particularly like, and use it in ways I never could have foreseen. I guess it is a good reminder that God can use all of me, if all of me is submitted to Him.

So tonight I have a renewed determination to give not just part of me, but all of me to God. The good, the bad, the big, the small and everything in between. Imagine what he can do, if I will just allow Him?

"There are different kind of Gifts but the same Spirit." 1 Corinthians 12:4

Just Connie

Thinking

I am blessed by having friends and family to support and encourage me. I am further blessed by one particular friend who is willing to make me face hard truths when I need to. That might not always be comfortable, but it is an incredible gift.

Today my friend exercised that gift and helped me look at some of the hurt I have been wading through this past year. It was more than uncomfortable, it was downright painful. But it was very important and potentially healing.

Her input and perspective helped me take a fresh look at some of my perceptions of self. Her wisdom and her willingness to wade through it with me has given me a lot to think about in the days ahead.

So it is time to think ... and pray ... and think.

"Think about it! Consider it!" Judges 19:30

Meeting Thoughts

I am an inveterate people watcher. I love to watch people interact with each other. Tonight I got an opportunity to watch while I was in a very long meeting. I find the differeing personalities fascinating.

Tonight we had one person in the meeting who was ... well aggressive I guess is the best way to put it. It was interesting to watch people dance around him. He would lash out in unexpected ways. It gave an uncomfortable feel to meeting as people were unable to let their guard down or to say what was on their mind.

On the long drive home I got to wondering if I am ever uncomfortable to be around? I would love to say with confidence, "No, not me!" However I realize that I can be opinionated, grumpy and distracted... and that is on my good days!

I think I will use tonight as a reminder. My words can give life or death and I want my words to give life, light and hope to those around me. It requires a conscious choice from me.

I guess that means it is time to shine.

"Whoever loves his brother lives in the light" 1 John 2:10

Just Connie

Puppy Adjustments

Having a puppy in the house changes everything. I mean everything! One of the many changes is that nothing can be left on the floor. Books, cords, feet ... everything within reach becomes an instant chew toy. I have given her a pile of chew toys, squeaky toys and balls to play with. All designed to keep her entertained. But nothing is as entertaining to her as feet walking across the floor, a cord or the best chew toy of all, my 9 year old sheepdog Charlie.

Hope puppy is constantly chewing on poor Charlie, ambushing her in unexpected moments and generally making a pest of herself. Charlie is amazingly patient with her. She wrestles and runs with the puppy like she was a puppy herself. Right now they are wrestling at my feet, mock growling and jumping around and having a wonderful time.

I am adjusting, Charlie is adjusting and we are learning this new puppy thing together. This stage will not last forever. Sigh ... it will just feel like it.

"But you, O Lord are exalted forever" Psalm 92:8

Just Connie

Being a Pastor

I love being a pastor. There is a joy in preaching, teaching and ministering to people that nothing else can match. it has been a thrill to my hear to back in the pastorate again. But sometimes there are tasks that hang over me as a pastor like a damp, heavy cloth. I have one of those tasks awaiting me tomorrow.

The more I think about it, the more I dread it. But there it is staring me in the face. I know that it needs to be done and it is in the best interests of everyone involved. But somehow that doesn't make the actual doing of it any easier. I have a feeling that the dread might actually be worse than the actual doing.

So knowing that worrying about it will not help, it is time to put it aside and spend some time doing productive things.

So I am going to get a good nights sleep, spend some time praying and preparing and then let tomorrow take care of itself.

"These then are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority" Titus 2:15

Just Connie

Family Videos

My daughter and her boyfriend came for lunch today. I love spending time with them, they are both wonderful people. But I have to admit that today did not go quite as I had expected.

After lunch my daughter wanted to go through old family videos. I was amazed at how painful it was to me. I had not watched any of them in over a decade. They were images from another lifetime ago and yet the pain they stirred up felt fresh and new.

As I watched, I saw a family that seemed so normal and so happy. But I watched the happy faces and wondered how much of it was true and real. I know that I thought it was real with every fiber of my being. But I thought everything was wonderful right up until the moment when my husband handed me a letter and went sailing out the door.

When my husband left in many ways he stole my memories from me. I had no way to differentiate what was real and what was not. When he put he his arm around me, did he love me? Or even like me? As I watched the images on the screen today my heart hurt for the life that was lost. The life that was so carelessly thrown away by a selfish man.

I still feel guilt and loss after all of these years, the videos reminded me of that today. I think I need to see this as an opportunity to continue to heal and seek God's path through the pain. I think it is time to sort out real guilt from false guilt.

I think that I have some thinking to do.

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart; in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience" Hebrews 10:22

Just Connie

Cleaning Day

Today was a long over due house cleaning day. I did not get everything done I had planned but I got quite a bit done. The spider webs seemed to have been winning the battle lately, but today I won.

The flurry of cleaning was precipitated by the upcoming visit of my daughter and her boyfriend tomorrow. I have not seen them since Christmas Eve. In the chaos, it was hard to have any real conversation with them.

So I am hoping for the opportunity to find out how they are doing. You know the normal mother inquisition thing, I play 20 questions and they decide what they want me to know. I think I pry out information but I usually have to work pretty hard for it.

You know this mothering thing has not gotten any easier over the years. I feel like I am still stumbling around in the dark, hoping to not step off the edge of a cliff.

So tomorrow I get to visit with people I love in a house that is mostly clean ... well as clean as a house with a sheep dog, a puppy and a bunny can be at one time.

Just Connie