Day Off

Here I sit staring ahead to tomorrow .... a whole day to myself. I have a costume to finish up for the parade (for both myself and the dog) a college application recommendation to fill out, bills to pay, prizes for the church picnic and a host of other things to get done in this day off.

Life has been pretty hectic over the past couple of weeks. I am rather looking forward to the 4th being behind me and a somewhat slower pace for the rest of the month. it is a reminder to me that it is not good to go at this pace for very long.

So tomorrow I will sleep in and just tackle the long list one thing at a time.

I need a couple more of these days off .....

Just Connie

Gazebo

I spent the day working on the new town Gazebo. Saturday is the Ribbon Cutting ceremony, so we were cutting sod and laying pavers and shoveling sand. It is all coming together and it looks great. Tomorrow they will put the last of the roofing on and it is finished.

So tonight I am tired and sore and ready to put my feet up and enjoy a quiet evening. As I have sat here I have thought a lot about this Gazebo project. It was just about a year ago that the idea for the Gazebo was brought to the Chamber of Commerce. We decided to make it happen and more importantly we decided to build it with volunteer labor. Sp I have watched the town leaders connect with contractors and excavators and work side by side. I have enjoyed working alongside the others to bring this project to fruition.

In just a couple of days we will have the Ribbon Cutting and I will officially gift the Gazebo to the City of Willamina. It should be a wonderful event and it is a wonderful testimony to what can happen when people work together.

I have said it before but I will say it again ... I love this community!

Just Connie

Gain and Loss

I married a cowboy ... a Texan cowboy to be specific. Cowboy things were part of our lives. Rodeos and all things cowboy surrounded us. After my husband was gone, all of the cowboy things made me sad to look at. So one day I finally decided to  "de-cowboy" the house. Over the years I have slowly made the house mine, in decor and colors.

Today I found myself standing outside the Western store, needing to go in to look for a hat for the parade ... but strangely reluctant to go in. Taking a deep breath, I squared my shoulders and went inside. As I wandered around the store I was flooded anew with a great sense of loss. I grabbed a hat that fit and fled to the checkout line.

Those unexpected moments of grief and loss still surprise me. There is so much about my life that I really like. I like the freedom of making my own choices, I like living without the constant presence of fear and I like being surrounded by friends who love and support me. But yet those moments still come.

I think the only thing I can do is to "feel the feelings" and just let it be what it is. There is pain at what I lost even though I can recognize what I have gained. That is not a bad thing ... in fact I have a feeling that it will be a thing that will grow me in ways that I cannot even begin to understand.

The very nature of growth requires change and pain. So .... I must be heading in the right direction.

Just Connie

Snake Lesson

A while back I had a mowing diaster .... I mowed over a snake. Before I knew it, snake pieces were  sprayed across my front yard. It was even more horrifying to me than the snake in its entirety. I beat a fast retreat and solved the whole issue by not dealing with it at all. I laughingly told my father that I was planning on stringing hazard tape around the yard and not looking till September.

But the day came this past week when I knew that I had to do something about it before the grass was waist high, because there was no way I was going to mow over the snake pieces and make more snake pieces. So I put on long pants, a long sleeve shirt, wrapped myself in layers of protective gear, got the longest shovel that I could find and slowly approached the front lawn. With fear and trembling I walked the lawn, looking for snake pieces to pick up. Step by step I forced myself to look. And you know what? There were no snake pieces! It seems the local critters liked them as much as I disliked them.

So in this silly story there are lessons for me. First of all, I learned that the dread of the task was much worse than the actual task. The next lesson that struck me was that sometimes the things I fear the most do not even exist. And the last lesson is that the worst job is begun with a single step ...just one step in the right direction.

So this week God taught me a lesson with snake pieces, Who says he has no sense of humor? In fact I think I can hear Him laughing now.

Just Connie

The Proposal

I got a marriage proposal today. I have to admit that I found it rather startling since my theme song is "Thank you, I do not date". The last thing I expected when I sat down to lunch was a marriage proposal. I am used to fielding questions about my marital status and have gotten pretty good at deflecting those kind of questions. But there was no deflecting this.

I would love to say that this young man was wildly in love with my scintillating personality and wit but the truth is that he wanted a wife to help him stay in this country. It is a very deflating thing to be desired for your citizenship.

So here I am, reminded that there are some things I am still useful for .... not willing ... but still seen as useful. I guess it is good to be useful.

Just Connie

American Dreams

“A dream starts in your heart and ends in your feet.”

That unknown quote jumped off the page as I read it. It made me wonder how often I sit and expect my dreams to come swooping down on me… without getting up and working for it? The reality is that achieving our dreams is a lot of hard work.

Over two hundred years ago our forefathers put their lives on the line to offer liberty to this fledgling nation. They fought and worked hard to build a nation that would offer equality for all. Each generation of Americans has worked towards that dream. Countless men and women have laid down their lives so that we might live that dream of freedom. Today there are American soldiers around the globe standing in harm’s way to help make that dream a reality.

I think we have a great country but I see something that scares me in American today. I see an apathy that hurts my heart as a pastor and as an American. It is an apathy that makes us feel like we do not make a difference, that nothing we do will ever change anything. It is an apathy that keeps us from celebrating the many things that are very right with our country. It is apathy that keeps us from working towards the dream. It saps us of our energy and it makes the dream an impossibly remote goal.

My prayer for our country is that if we Christians would begin to work hard to make the dream a reality once again.we would change our world.  We can make a difference if we are willing to put our feet to work to achieve the dream.

“One nation under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all.” Now that is a dream worth fighting for.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

Groups

I have spent the evening trying to placate a 12 year old girl. She cried, she wailed, she was rude and just about everything in between. It has been a long time since I have spent any time with that age group, let alone one with that kind of attitude. Most preteens are on pretty good behavior around the pastor. This one most definitely was not. I finally sat her down and had some stern words with her. About what was acceptable behavior in a group and what was not. She was pretty shocked, but she also quieted down and her behavior became a bit more acceptable.

It has reminded me of how important those social norms are. I can look at this young lady and see what a rocky road she has ahead of her if she cannot learn how to behave in a group. And we need groups in our lives. Groups give us a place to belong and be accepted. Groups give us the complexity of multiple relationships, personalities and needs. Groups give us a richness in our lives that we do not have in ourselves alone.

I pray for this young lady that she will find the all of those things. I pray that I will know how to help her on this journey.

Just Connie

Roofing Thoughts

Sunburned, tired and sore ..... and so very pleased with my day. I spent the day roofing with the fellas. We were helping out an elderly man in our church who is undergoing chemo treatments. The crew was short today so I pushed my desk work aside and grabbed my hammer.

I really enjoy working alongside our men. There is a camaraderie that comes from working together that normal every day life does not offer.I am very thankful for that time with them. But today was not only very hard work, it was hot, hot, hot! I told a friend later that I thought it was about 800 degrees up there on the roof, Of course that is the opinion of a life long Oregonian. I hauled sheets of plywood, ripped the old tin roof off, carried two by fours, pounded nails and learned to use the nail gun.

So here I am tonight, satisfied and happy and grateful for the day I have been given. I am thinking .... I am thinking it is time for some aspirin.

Just Connie

My Father

My father is a wonderful man. He was always a tower of strength in my childhood and much of who I am today is because of him. He taught me not only to work, but to work hard. He was also a firm believer that being a girl did not get out me of hard work or any task. So my sisters and I worked and we worked hard. He also taught we girls to throw a football, play ball as well as any boy and to ride motorcycles fearlessly.

Yesterday after church I made the two hour trip to go and spend some time with him. It was so good to be there and to laugh and joke with him. It was only about a year and a half ago that we almost lost him. Step by step he is fighting his way back from his head injury. I am proud of how hard he has worked to regain his life.

I am very grateful for this man. For everything that he taught me and everything that he adds to my life. Thank you dad for always believing in me, for teaching me to work and teaching me to keep moving ahead. I love you.

Just Connie

Parade Charlie

Every year my sheepdog Charlotte Anne (aka Charlie) walks with me in the 3 parades the church participates in. She has been failing this year and it became apparent to me that she would not be up to walking in this year's parades. It saddened me but I had mostly come to terms with it. But she woke up today perky and feeling good, so I put her in her costume and we headed to the church.

Charlie is always and attention getter and people get such a kick out of seeing her all dressed up in parade finery. She is such a good sport and I actually think that she enjoys it. She strutted and enjoyed all the kids who threw their arms around her or kissed her nose.

Here she is in her parade finery all ready to walk in the parade. I am so glad that she was able to do this today and it was so much fun. And by the way, the church won first place for our entry.
I am prejudiced but I soooooo think we deserved it!

Just Connie

Fair Thoughts

I work real hard to build a meaningful life for myself. It is often a foreign and unfamiliar landscape. But this is the life I have and I am choosing to find joy in this journey. However, there are times that I am reminded that God did not wire me to live alone. Today was one of those times.

It is the annual town celebration of a neighboring community. I am involved in the new Bench Project and so I went to man the booth off and on this afternoon. between times I forced myself to walk around the booths, took in the art show and then watched the Children's Parade.

It is the first time in my life that I have attended a fair by myself. I have to say that much of it was ... okay. Not horrible, not great ... it was bearable. But the parade ...... up and down the streets were lined with families and couples. As far as the eye could see, I was the only person alone. I laughed and chatted with the people around me, but I realized that as I walked back to my car I was filled with a a sense of sadness ... a sadness that followed me home.

I do not like that sadness still sneaks up on me. I want more than this. I want to find not only victory but contentment with my life. There is so much in my life that is very good, so much that I am grateful for. My life is what it is ... and that should be enough.

But yet tonight I am sad ....

Just Connie

Thursday nights

Ah Thursday nights ... it is my Friday. Well sometimes it is. I try to take Friday and Saturday's off, but that will not be possible this week or next week.

Tomorrow morning I will get up early and join the wood cutting team to haul wood  to some seniors who need some help. Then I will run home and clean up and head to Sheridan where I will work in the booth at the fair to promote our new community project.

Saturday I will get up early and head into Sheridan again to get ready for the parade. I still have sewing to get finished and I need to get the dog washed and pretty as well.

So I will get to bed early and hit the ground running in the morning.

Isn't ministry grand?

Connie

Busy Week

I have a lot to get done this week. I have people to visit, letters to write, a operations manual to work on, some design work to create and a parade costume to sew for my dog.

The church participates in three parades; Sheridan Days Parade, Willamina 4th of July and Willamina Christmas Light Parade. This weekend is the first of this year's parades. We have a western theme and western costumes that we are all wearing. My sheepdog always walks along with me. I have not been sure that she was going to be up to walking in the parade but I think she is doing a little better. So I am quickly sewing up this year's costume for her. Everyone always gets a kick out of her.

I will get it done ... well at least most of it. I guess time will tell.

Just Connie

Massage Thoughts

I got a massage today. I could not ever imagine me getting a massage. It just did not seem to fit my needs and desires. I so need to do something so ... well self indulgent and extravagant. But in my congregation is a very nice lady who happens to be a masseuse. She thought her pastor would benefit from some massages.

I have to admit that I was rather unsure about this process but I am a good sport so I went along with it. I made an amazing discovery. First of all massages are hard work. I expected it to be hard work for the massage therapist but it was actually hard work for me. She found sore spots in areas that I would had sworn were not sore. I began to understand how much I needed that massage.

As I have thought about it, it has made me wonder what other things I do not even realize I need. Is my own limited viewpoint and understanding keeping me from the things that I really need? I would like to think that I can approach life with a heart ready to learn and grow. I could ... but will I? If I could live in that learning moment .... imagine the possibilities....

Just imagine ......

Just Connie

Mowing Thoughts

I do not like mowing the lawn. It is one of those things that always scream at me "You are alone!". Part of it is that I had never mowed a lawn until after my husband was gone. It has gotten easier over the years but I have to admit that I do not like it. But at least I can get the lawns mowed without crying now and that is definitely a step in the right direction.

I really thought that it would be just about impossible to make lawn mowing worse than it already was. I was soooo wrong. I found out today what  makes lawn mowing worse .... mowing over a snake. I hate snakes. I hate everything about them. I avoid them because they turn me into a stereo type shrieking cartoon.I discovered that pieces of snake were worse than the snake as a whole. My front lawn is now covered with pieces of snake.

So what is the bio degradable process for snake pieces? Because I am pretty sure that I am not mowing it again like it is. The grass on the front lawn might be getting pretty long while I wait for the snake pieces to disappear.

Anyone want to come and gather snake pieces?

Connie

Missions

When I first got the call to ministry in college I went home and told my parents. My mother looked at me and said, "Thank goodness I was so afraid you would go oversees as a missionary." I have laughed at that over the years since I have ended up doing "missions" here in the USA instead.

But I have to admit that I have always had a soft spot for Missions around the world. Most often, I have been the support at home, organizing work and witness trips, collecting funds and sending teams out to the Missions field to help. Today we had Missionaries come to the church and share their work in Kenya. It was wonderful to get that glimpse of a very different life and ministry.

I so enjoyed the Missionaries today, sitting and sharing together was a precious privilege. But one of the best things that happened was the possibility of that I could go to Kenya and teach some Bible classes. Teaching is one of  my very real joys and the opportunity to actually be on the Mission field fills me with a sense of awe.

It is an intriguing possibility ..... and pretty exciting.

Just Connie

Fishing

I went fishing with my great nephew today. I didn't fish, my job was to bait the hook, untangle line and cast. And of course to come and check because he was soooo sure that there must be a fish on the line.

It was been so many years since I was around fishing at all. I forgot that I really enjoyed it. It was nice to see that I had not lost my casting touch and I actually impressed him when he saw how far the cast went out.

I loved spending time with both this little fellow and I loved spending time with his mother. I do not get to do that near often enough. This was a small window of just fun in a very busy day. I am so thankful for it.

Today reminded me of how important my family is to me. I need that feeling of connectedness and I need to both love them lavishly and be loved in return. It is a critical component to my well being.

I am grateful for the chance to experience both those things today.

Just Connie

Spinning

A friend and I went to a spinning class today. You would like to think that would be spinning wool into yarn or some such creative thing .... but that would be wrong! A spinning class is a gym full of stationary bikes and a group of masochistic people. Picture riding your bike straight up a mountain with someone telling you, "Keep going, push harder, go faster" and you begin to get the picture.

I knew I was in trouble when the instructor began to strap my feet onto the bike so it would not slip off the pedal and shred my calf. It also prevented me from running to the car and waiting in safety for the class to finish. So for the next 50 minutes I peddled like mad and came to new awareness of just how out of shape I am.

Tonight I can feel muscles on my backside that I had no idea existed that are already complaining. I have a feeling that tomorrow morning with begin with an "Oh no" moment when I try to pry my body out of bed.

What does not kill me ... makes me stronger right? Ask me tomorrow and I will let you know.

Just Connie

One of Those Nights

Usually I am pretty content with my life. I feel like my life is worthwhile and I am doing things that make a difference. I love what I do. I love the community I am serving in and I love the people here. But there are times when my house seems very empty.

 Tonight has been one of those nights. I turned on the TV and I made some phone calls and I tried to keep busy, but I find myself with a restlessness that has nothing to do with being busy. There is plenty I could be doing. But yet I cannot settle to any one thing. I hate to admit it but the fact is that I am lonely.

Loneliness seems to hit at the oddest times. In the mist of a church potluck, in the midst of making vacation plans and quite often when I pull into the empty garage at night.  There are those moments that remind me all too clearly that I am alone ... that there is no one to make plans with, there is no one waiting for me to get home. Just me ....

So tonight I recognize that I am lonely. I also recognize that "this too shall pass". This feeling will fade and life will go on.  So until it does I will just put one foot in front of the other and take the next step.

That's me, living life .... one step at a time.

Just Connie

Pastor's Group

I met with a group of pastors today. I came away from that meeting tremendously blessed. It was everything you would hope a group like that would be. It was warm, caring and very affirming. We talked about the reality of our ministerial role vs the perceived role. We talked about officiating today's weddings. We talked about the difficult things that we all face. The conversations grew out of very real issues we are facing in our ministries.

So often as pastors we are isolated by our ministerial roles. In a small community like this sometimes there is competition between churches and between the pastors. Sometimes we are hesitant to be vulnerable to those we consider our peers. Sometimes we fear that we are the only ones struggling with certain issues. Thankfully that is not the case here. There is a growing trust between us that transcends our fears and uncertainties.

I am very grateful for my fellow pastors who are willing to be real, willing to let the barriers down and all work together to reach our community. I think that this partnership can do more for us and for our churches than we could ever do on our own.

In fact what it is offering to me is pretty great all on its own.

Just Connie

Livestock Auction

I just got back from a  livestock auction. I was not looking for livestock, but I would have happily taken home several with me today. There were baby goats that would have fit into my rig, and a horse that went for $10. The truth is that I wanted to take them all home with me. Well not the 2,000 pound bull. he was one huge, mean looking hunk of meat. I gladly did not bid on him.

It was fun to be there today and fun to be with people I enjoy. It is good to break away for the routine once in a while and just play. I have to say that I enjoy the incredibly diverse opportunities of this pastorate. This never would have been on my agenda when I pastored in Portland.

I love Willamina!

Just Connie

Snakes!

I hate snakes. I hate the way they move. I hate the way they feel. I hate everything about them. Many of my childhood nightmares were about snakes. My mother tells me that as a toddler I would see a snake and scream. I am chagrined to say that I do not think I have outgrown that reaction.

When I first moved to Willamina I was excited to create some order in the flower beds and create some beauty around me. I had always enjoyed gardening. I went out one spring morning and began digging and weeding. As I rooted in the ground with my bare hands I felt something that felt odd ... kind of squishy. So I stuck both hands in and pulled it up .... a writhing, seething mass of snakes. I remembering shrieking and trying desperately to get them off me .... it only got worse when I tossed them in the air because  ..... it began to rain snakes. Raining snakes is bad ... really, really bad. By that time all the neighbors were pouring out of their houses because they thought there was an axe murderer after me. I remember I could hardly get a coherent word out of my mouth as I tried to explain what had happened.

So, over the years I have been here in Willamina I have learned a few things. I have learned to never garden without gloves on, to make lots of noise and to cede certain areas to the snakes. The problem is that their territory seems to be growing and mine seems to be shrinking. I ceded a flower bed just this afternoon to a very fat garter snake who refused to move on. I think he probably heard that snakes had an easy life here.

Where is a mongoose when you really want one? I haaaaaaate snakes!

Just Connie

Forgiving Me

Today I preached the third installment in the Forgiveness series. Today it was "Forgiving Me". This is an area that I struggle with. I say that I am a work in progress, but yet when I fail I spend way too much time beating myself up. So today's sermon was for me.

Forgiving Me

Peter is a good model for us when we  think of failure and forgiveness. We see see him in John 18 denying Christ. In Acts we see him take up the mantle of Church leadership. He did not stay at the point of his failure. Too often when we fail we camp at that spot. Peter moved on. There are life lessons for us in how we deal with our failures and mistakes.
Steps to Forgiving Me

1. Recognize we need it

2. Be willing to feel the feelings

3. Tough it through the hard part

4. Recognize who the “Accuser of the brethren” is

5. I deserve it because Christ died for me

6. Know that Jesus is bigger than our shame and pain

We will never step into the hope of tomorrow while we are tied to the failure of the past. It is time to break the chains of shame and find freedom.

Thought For Today

There are no tomorrows when I live in yesterday

Something Good Happening

I just got back from two wonderful days with an old friend .... that is her on the left. See, she is not all that old.

There is something wonderful about being with someone who has known you for so long. She laughs at all the old inside jokes that no one else understands. She not only knows my children she has disciplined them as I have hers. The years fell away as we talked and laughed far into the night.

On the three hour drive tonight I was filled with a sense of well being, happiness and gratitude. Happiness for being able to reconnect with Caro, gratitude for the gift of restoration and the well being that comes from knowing that something good is happening.

Yes .... something very good is happening.

Just Connie

Raccoon Wars 2011

I was visited last night .... in fact I have been visited the last three nights. In my nice quiet rural neighborhood we have several critter problems. By far the most frustrating to me are the raccoons. I have a ritual that I follow every night. I go outside and bring the dog food bowl inside. Then I carefully balance a metal lawn chair on top of the 50 gallon garbage car that holds the bulk dog food (my burglar alarm system). Then I put the broom and the pellet gun by the door and go to bed.

When there are raccoons in the area my nice gentle, would not hurt anything sheep dog turns into a snarling, lunging mass of fangs and hair. So you get the picture. I am awakened by the sheepdog throwing herself against the patio door. If the raccoons have not run, I go out and smack them with the broom. If they still will not give sway or if the dogs somehow get out in the process then the pellet gun comes out. It starts about 11:00pm and goes to about 4:00 in the morning. Up and down, up and down .... each time with my ears ringing and my adrenaline pumping I try to go back to sleep. Only to have it happen all over again. This will go on for a few nights and then they will give up for a while. ... And then one night they will suddenly reappear.

I am tired and I am cranky ... and all too ready for these visitors to go away and visit someone else.

In fact I would be more than happy to send the cute little things your way. Any takers?

Just Connie

Thursday Thoughts

13 years ago my life blew up around me when my husband suddenly left me. Soon after that I learned that I was an "embarrassment" to my denomination & church who really just wanted the embarrassment to go away. During that same time many of my friends pulled away in confusion, unsure of how to relate to me when I was no longer a wife, and no longer a pastor. Each perceived rejection screamed to me that I was worthless and unlovable. In my hurt I pulled away from everyone who had been a part of that life. And desperately began to try to rebuild a new life.

For years I studiously avoided my former denomination and my former friends. It hurt too badly to face their questions and the constant pressure of never being able to  measure up. Because the reality was that nothing would ever change the fact that my husband had left and I struggled to live in that new reality.

A little over two years ago I very tentatively made contact with a fellow pastor who had been a friend in that "former life". Over the next two years he slowly brought me into contact with others. I would love to say that I willingly embraced each of the people who reached out to me, but in truth I was very fearful and cautious. And sometimes it took me days to accept their overtures.

Tomorrow I will be seeing one of those friends from  my former life. And this is not just any friend, this is the best friend I have ever had, my heart friend. I am excited, I am scared and I am everything in between. I am also very grateful .... grateful for the opportunity for restoration ... grateful that God does not leave us on the discard pile.

I am grateful for a love that transcends the hurt....

Just Connie

Monday News

There are some things that a mother dreams of doing with her daughter. That first moment that you hold her in your arms as a newborn you begin to picture the future you will have together. One of the things I have always dreamed of was shopping for wedding dresses with her. I have such good memories of shopping for my wedding dress with my mother. In fact with my mother, grandmother and great aunt were all with me. It was such fun and so very meaningful to me to have the generations there to love and support me. I looked with anticipation to experience that moment with my own daughter.

On Monday my daughter called to tell me that she was married. I was so glad for her, she was so excited and so happy. She and her boyfriend of many years had gone to the courthouse and gotten married. I love her new husband. He is a wonderful man and I love who they are together. I think they will have a strong and wonderful marriage. But as I said good bye to her I began to cry and I have cried for two days.

I am realizing that I am sad over the loss of yet another dream. I am sad over not being a part of such an important moment in her life. I am sad to be so far away and sad to be facing this alone.

So tonight I recognizing that there is sadness in this for me. I am also recognizing that there is joy in this as well. Sadness and joy .... it kind of sounds like life doesn't it?

Just Connie