Six Years

It was six years ago that my life forever changed when my sister Delinda was killed on her way to work. There are parts of the days that followed that are etched very clearly in my memory.

I remember the long, long drive from Seattle where I got the news. I do not think any drive ever took so long. I remember the agony of waiting in my parents living room the morning of her funeral until it was time to leave for the service. I remember that I could not sit still, I found myself pacing the floor and trying to somehow keep myself breathing evenly when what I wanted was to throw myself on the bed and scream in agony. I remember driving to the cemetery and seeing the bagpiper at the entrance playing Amazing Grace. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach as I strove to hold the sobs in. I remember staying at the cemetery with my nephew as we watched the casket being slowly lowered into the grave. We stood there as an honor guard as she was laid to rest.

The other thing I remember is the Delinda sized hole that was left in my life. That memory is still as fresh today as it was six years ago. Nothing can take the place of her love of life, her creativity and her love for her family. I wish that I had had more time with her, I wish that I had not wasted so much of the time that I was given.

I wish ....

Just Connie

People

Sometimes ..... people just do not understand. And it seems that the people I want to understand the most ... just do not. That lack of understanding creates a dissonance between us that I can feel in a very real tangible way. And sometimes it is downright painful.

I feel that pain today. Evaluated and judged .... that is not a comfortable feeling. But I guess it comes down to doing what I feel is right. Do I have the faith to move ahead without the applause and approbation of others?

"In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." Ephesians 6:16

I guess it is a reminder that I am not called to please people, I am called to please God and when God is pleased with me .... nothing can ever hold me back.

Time to move ahead ....

Just Connie 

Fog Bank

I have spent the last few days thinking, praying and trying to sort out my chaotic emotions. Knowing that there are things to learn as I walk though this is one thing .... trying to figure out exactly what I am feeling and learning is another. But as I have taken the time to pull back and be quiet I think I am beginning to sort some things out.

Sometimes walking though the hard times is like walking through a fog bank. Everything is indistinct, hard to make out and cloaked in wet clingy misery. I sometimes feel as if I am stumbling around looking for a familiar landmark, looking for something that will point the way out.

But the thing that I absolutely know is that the fog will not last forever. The sunlight will break through the fog. I know it and I choose to live in the knowledge, the joy and the freedom that hope brings.

"weeping may last for the night time, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalm 30:5

I know that morning will come ....

Just Connie

Heart Hurt

My heart hurts. It is an ever present hurt that feels like a great weight pressing down on me. I would love to be able to just shrug this off and go on, but yet I know that grief is a process. I have to walk through this one step at a time. There are no shortcuts and I cannot ignore it. It is what it is.

So I will take another step forward and allow myself to "feel the feelings" God created me to feel. Those very feelings warn and inform me. They warn me of potential danger and inform me of things about my life and about me.

I know that not only will I get through this, but there is joy ahead. I know this because God promises it and He has proven it to me over and over again.

So I will take one more step in the dark, knowing that the light is yet ahead of me.

Just Connie

Rejection

Rejection is a familiar enemy to me. Because of my life experiences I know that it is an especially tender point for me. Sometimes I find myself walking cautiously because of my fear of rejection. Sometimes it springs on me  when I least expect it.

I came home from women's retreat yesterday tired, but peaceful. I curled up on the couch with my laptop and  began to scroll through all the news and updates from the weekend. As I scrolled though, a photo suddenly jumped out at me and I gasped in shock. That photo told a story I did not want to hear. A story of a choice that not only  was not "for me", but completely and absolutely excluded me.

I sat there stunned as the tears rolled down my face. The hurt welled up and made me want to wail in agony. As I struggled to rein in the hurt, I searched for a reason, an explanation ... and I found none.

As I have worked to come to grips with this today I have to say that the hurt of this still takes my breath away. It is an ever present ache as I move through the day. I would love to find a way to turn off the pain, but I know that what I am feeling is important. I think there is value in feeling the feelings. There are things that I can learn even in this.

I just wish .... it did not hurt so much.

Just Connie

Retreat Thoughts

I came back from retreat, happy and relaxed. It was a wonderful time with the women and a wonderful time with God. I spent some time in silent meditation high on the hill above the river. As I sat there I saw this dandelion. It was beautiful.

One of the things that struck me was all the different individuals pieces that make up a dandelion. Without even one of them there is a hole in the perfect spherical beauty. Nothing can fill the hole that is left.

It was a reminder that for all of us women how important each one of us is. Without even one there is a hole that nothing else can fill.

Unique, beautiful and important ....

I think that is probably a pretty timely reminder.

Just Connie

Packed and Ready

All my bags are packed ... I'm ready to go .... it is that time of year again. In just a few minutes I will be off to the Annual Women's Retreat at Aldersgate. This is always a good time to be together and laugh and get to know each other in ways that we do not have time to in the rush and bustle of everyday life.

So for the next three days I will bunk with a couple hundred other women, recreate and listen to what God has to say to me through this experience.

yes ... I think this will be a good time and good things will happen.

Just Connie

Fishing Thoughts

Our fishing trip yesterday was  exciting. I thought I would  share some of the reality of that nice peaceful evening with my son and Hope Puppy.

We got to our friends farm and unloaded the car and hiked out to the pond. It was hot in the sun but I found a nice shady spot to set up my chair. As I was getting settled, my son made his first cast out to the pond. A nice little "plunk" was followed by a great huge splash as Hope Puppy jumped in to retrieve the lure. Tony was yelling, "you are scaring the fish", I was hollering" don't hook my dog!" And Hope puppy was swimming like mad. But she finally heeded me in all the commotion and swam back to me, where she immediately soaked me as she shook herself off.

My son headed to the other side of the pond and I wet but laughing, got the worm on my hook and made a beautiful cast out in the middle of the pond. I settled back in my chair and pulled my book out as I sat in total contentment by the pond. Before very long my son had a small mouth bass on his line ... and I mean small! If you look close you can see it in his right hand.

By that time my line had drifted and it was time for me to reel in and cast back out. I drew my pole back, released and ...... cast right into the tree above me. Taking pity on me my son hiked back around the pond and helped me disentangle my line from the tree. As we worked on it, I tried telling him I was fishing for the tree trout but he was not buying it.

Finally we got the line out of the tree (minus hook, swivel and weights) and I put new hook and bait on my line and cast back out. In a little while I had a bite and as I reeled it in, I realized to my horror that I had hooked a salamander. As I shouted for my son, Hope Puppy was barking at the excitement and ... splash ... she was back in the pond. By then we were all yelling, My son at the dog, me calling for help and of course Hope barking in excitement. But finally, my son came over and took the poor salamander off the hook and I once again put fresh bait on my line and cast back into the pond.

I spent the rest of the time quietly reading my book and trying to keep my line in the middle of the pond where there was less chance of hooking another salamander. I only fished for tree trout one more time before we left. To wrap up our evening I threw the stick in the pond for Hope Puppy and she dove in after it. We spent a happy 15 minutes watching her chase he stick into the pond. Then we hiked back to the car and loaded the wet muddy dog, the tackle and gear into the car.

As I have thought about our evening I have to admit that it makes me smile. It was a lot of fun and you know I discovered something... tree trout are a lot easier to clean.

Just Connie

Fishing Trip

 I left work an hour early today and went and picked up my son and we headed to the pond at a friends farm to do some fishing.

As my son cast his line into the pond, Hope Puppy immediately jumped in the pond to retrieve it. For some reason my son was not in favor of that plan. So Hope Puppy sat at my feet the rest of the time and waited for the okay to get in the pond.

It was a delightful trip, I brought a book and sat in the shade as I watched my bobber float across the pond. Every once in a while I reeled it in and cast it back out. My son actually caught two small bass and was thrilled. I caught a salamander and was definitely was not thrilled!

As we packed our poles up and watched the sun dipping behind the hills I finally threw Hope Puppy's stick in the pond so she could go and play. It was impossible to not laugh as she would launch herself in the pond and swim to the stick.

So tonight we are happy and tired. Spending a quiet evening together filled me with a deep contentment.

It was a wonderful evening and I feel  blessed ....

Just Connie

Woman of the Year

One of the things the women in my congregation do each year is choose a "Woman of the Year". These are women who have stood out in their service to the church and to Christ. The roster of women who have won this event are incredibly godly women who have made a difference int he church and in the community.

This year as I sat and listened to the description of the lady they were honoring this year I was stumped. They were saying that she was someone involved and loved in the community, someone that people depend on and trust, someone who loves people and loves the Lord. Then they said, "someone who brings the party with them wherever they go." At that point I was pretty sure it was my friend Teresa who was sitting at my table. Then they said, "Someone who loves to hike and backpack .." It was at that point that I thought, "Hey is there someone else here who backpacks?" And then I realized that everyone was staring at me and they were calling my name.

I sat there in shock ... I absolutely did not expect it. The tears ran down my face as I stood to accept my award. What an incredible honor, how amazing and wonderful! I do not even have words to describe how it made me feel. I am going to hand my plaque with pride in my office to remind me of this moment.

I am humbled, blessed and so very honored.  .... Yes ... this is a moment I want to remember.

Just Connie

My Mother

I am one of those very fortunate people ... I grew up in a home that was loving, supportive and everything a family should be. A very central part of that family was my mother.

She is an incredible woman, full of love and compassion. She has taught me so much over the years just by being who she is. She let me be free to follow the path of my heart and never pushed me into a mold of her choosing. To this day she offers support, help and wisdom that helps me live a better life.

I am very grateful for who she is, grateful for abundant love and so very grateful that she is such an integral part of my life.

I am blessed ... But I want yiou to take a close look at the nasty look she is giving sweet innocent me.

Just Connie

The Great Dress Search - Round Three

I headed to the outlet mall today to see if I could find a dress for the wedding. I have to admit that I was not very hopeful. So I spent the entire day going through store after store after store and .... I think I actually found a dress. It will need altering (they always do) but I think it will do. I would also like to get a different jacket for it.

So in round three of the great search I made some headway. Next week I will take it to the alterations place and get it altered, look for a jacket and get acessories. Hopefully I can keep myself busy enough that I wil not get too nervous.

But then again maybe not .....

Just Connie

Conference Thoughts

15 years ago ... I crept away from the Nazarene Church with great hurt in my heart. The reality of the desertion of my husband had left 15 years of ministry in a heap of ashes. I was not only filled with hurt I was filled with a sense of shame.

In the months after my husband left I was stricken by the silence of my peers. The people who I had visited in the hospital and counseled with, the people that I met with and prayed with each week ... were inexplicably silent. And that silence increased my sense of shame and brokenness. During those long months of silence I had two phone calls from fellow pastors to check on me. I have never forgotten the kindness and the support of those two ministers as they sought to minister to me.

Today, I went to a pastor's conference in Portland and I was surprised to meet one of the men who called me so long ago. I was so blessed to see him and it brought back to me his overwhelming kindness when my heart was broken.

I did not have the chance to tell him thank you today, I hope I will at some point. He probably does not even remember he called me ... but I remember and I am grateful for that ray of love that helped me through some very dark days.

Today was another healing step for me as I sat in a group of Nazarene Ministers and did not feel that sense of shame. I felt love ... and that felt .... very good.

Just Connie

Busy Day

Busy, busy ... busy! That has been the last few days for me ... busy! I have had meetings, counseling appointments and more meetings. I am working hard on trying to get everything done so I can leave on vacation next week. And that means .... busy!

Sometimes I am not sure if the mad rush to get everything done is actually worth the vacation .... but yet I think it must be. So tomorrow I will get my sermon finished, try to clear off my desk and get things laid out for the coming week. Of course I will also squeeze in a variety of meetings ... because ... vacation is coming.

Just Connie

A Reminder

God is so good! It seems when I feel the most rejected and unlovable that He does something spectacular to remind me that I am not alone and that I am loved.

Last night I was very discouraged and tired but this morning began with a call from a friend. He said he had something for me he wanted to bring by. As I stood on the stairs and waited for him I could not imagine what it could be. I did not think any of the projects we were working on together had anything ready to be dropped off for me. But in a few minutes he was pulling into the driveway and there in the back of his truck was  a huge hammock. He said that he heard me say in a meeting a couple of weeks ago that I loved hammocks and I missed having one. He said that they had not been using this one and he thought he would pass it along to me.

My eyes filled with tears as I stood there and looked at this incredible gift ... I was so overcome with his generosity. I was also overcome with the sense that God's hand was at work ... in His perfect timing assuring me of his love and faithfulness.

So today I will be cleaning and polishing my hammock and if the clouds will burn off I will go out and spend some time swinging in the hammock and watching the birds.

That sounds like a perfect afternoon to me.

Just Connie

The Great Search

Today began the great dress search. I was expecting it to be difficult but I was not expecting it to be quite so horrifically difficult. I was not expecting all the tag along baggage that I found myself dealing with as I searched.

Tonight I am exhausted, my head is pounding, my emotions are running high and I still do not have a dress. Well that is not entirely accurate. I have a dress that I do not like, in case I cannot find anything else. So I am really hoping I do not have a dress.

I really want to have a dress that I love that will make me feel ... well .... special and not in the special education kind of way. So that means that the search will have to continue. That fills me with dread.

I am not sure what to do with all of these other emotions that are coming along with the great dress search. I am feeling a great deal of hurt and rejection and the emotions just seem to well up whether I want to feel it or not. I do not see an easy fix for this. If I was counseling someone else I would say, "Feel the feelings and go on." But I really, really do not want to feel these feelings, especially right now. But yet there they are ...

I am also finding that I am extremely apprehensive about being in contact with my former husband. The very little contact I have had over the past 12 years has not been positive. In fact, that contact was so bad, I instituted a "no contact" policy that has been a wall of protection for me. Right now, I feel exposed and vulnerable and I do not like that feeling either.

The reality is that I cannot solve this. What cannot be cured .... must be endured. My heart hurts and I guess that is a good reminder for me .... I have lots of praying to do.

And I guess .... that is not a bad thing at all.

Just Connie

Thursday Updates

I have had two frantically busy days of meetings, meetings and more meetings. In between I have sandwiched in counseling appointments, writing and playing with my grandson who has been staying with me this week. Yesterday was another 13 hour day and today was the same.

I really do not mind a few of these days but when I get too many in a row I find myself begin to get pretty drug out and tired. It is always a balancing act to try to not schedule too much that will all come due at the same time, but sometimes my balance it is not so good. This week has been like that.

But tomorrow I will take a break and head to Portland to begin the great search ..... the search for the perfect dress to wear to my daughters wedding. I always dread it when I have something specific that I need a dress for. It seems that the shape of my body and the shape the designers think my body should be do not match very well. And of course cost is always a factor. But the reality is that I have to have something. So the search is on ....

So why does that thought fill me with dread?

Just Connie

Dinner Time With Hayden

 My grandson Hayden is visiting  and this is what dinner at my house was like tonight.

Silly .....

Funny .....

Uplifting .....

Entertaining ....

Interesting ....

Just a nice family evening