Today began the great dress search. I was expecting it to be difficult but I was not expecting it to be quite so horrifically difficult. I was not expecting all the tag along baggage that I found myself dealing with as I searched.
Tonight I am exhausted, my head is pounding, my emotions are running high and I still do not have a dress. Well that is not entirely accurate. I have a dress that I do not like, in case I cannot find anything else. So I am really hoping I do not have a dress.
I really want to have a dress that I love that will make me feel ... well .... special and not in the special education kind of way. So that means that the search will have to continue. That fills me with dread.
I am not sure what to do with all of these other emotions that are coming along with the great dress search. I am feeling a great deal of hurt and rejection and the emotions just seem to well up whether I want to feel it or not. I do not see an easy fix for this. If I was counseling someone else I would say, "Feel the feelings and go on." But I really, really do not want to feel these feelings, especially right now. But yet there they are ...
I am also finding that I am extremely apprehensive about being in contact with my former husband. The very little contact I have had over the past 12 years has not been positive. In fact, that contact was so bad, I instituted a "no contact" policy that has been a wall of protection for me. Right now, I feel exposed and vulnerable and I do not like that feeling either.
The reality is that I cannot solve this. What cannot be cured .... must be endured. My heart hurts and I guess that is a good reminder for me .... I have lots of praying to do.
And I guess .... that is not a bad thing at all.
Just Connie
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