Blessed Privilege

I stood in the cold mist and looked at out over the hills. I tugged my coat collar higher as I opened my bible and looked at the at silent group gathered around the open grave. There was deep sadness on each face as the bagpipes echoed through the cemetery.


It is a blessed privilege to stand and give honor to a life well lived, to offer words of hope and comfort to a grieving saddened hearts. It is one of the really important things that a pastor has opportunity to do. because the reality of a heart with no hope is that they cannot live in the joy of the present. It is a life of blighted possibility. My job as pastor is to offer hope big enough to keep the darkness at bay.


At these times I am always reminded that for Christians this is not goodbye, it is "until we meet again". Because for those who have gone on before it us, it is the beginning of life abundant and free. And though our hearts grieve over our loss, how can we grieve that they are no longer in pain, no longer ill and burdened?

"And into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you" 1 Peter 1:4

There really are better things ahead ....


Just Connie

A Big Job

There are many statements as a pastor that I seem to say to people over and over again. Things like, "God loves you" "God will bring you through this" and  "take it one day at a time" are pretty standard phrases for me.  Another one that I seem to say a lot is, "You are not your past".


So often it seems that we define ourselves by what has happened to us, by what other people have said about us or even by our failures. The reality is that none of those things have to define who we are. But it can be so challenging to see myself as something  more ... something better ... something beautiful.


I know in my own life I have struggled to not be defined by those things I see as failures. But the reality is that out of the ashes of failure God can build something wonderful. But it will never happen if I am not willing to let go of the hurt and begin to see me as God sees me ... beloved and precious.


I am reminded that God really does love me ... and that is a pretty big job.


Just Connie

Frazzled

It has been one of those kind of days. The kind you hope are not repeated any time in the forseeable future. It began as I walked outside and noticed the tags on my car .. clearly marked November 2013. 2013? How did that happen? I seemed to have some vague memory of sending off the registration form but that was back in September. I spent a while searching for the records ... to no avail. All the time grousing to myself because I should be working on the sewing project I was in the midst of, not dealing with the tags of my car. As I searched, my son began following me around asking questions and making suggestions for how I should spend the day. Trying to ignore him as I continued to get the things I needed, I could feel my stress level rising by the second. Escaping from the house I went out to the car to get my proof of insurance and as I climbed out of the car I dropped it in a large deep mud puddle, where it instantly turned into a sodden mass of pulp and ink. I looked at the mess in my hand and sighed.

Going into the house I began trying to call my insurance company to see if I could get  a replacement as I was also trying to look up the DMV hours of operation. I waited impatiently but finally they e-mailed me a replacement card. So gathering up what I had (the proof of insurance, the tear off from the form I had sent in and of course last year's registration) and ran down to the church to print the card off.

It was when I plugged my computer, that I remembered that when I left on Wednesday the printer had decided to not print. Snarling at my printer and telling it that it was cruel, I spent the next 15 minutes troubleshooting why the printer would not print. Finally, thought the card was printed and I was on my way to Dallas to go the DMV.

As I drove I realized that I had been driving around for 3 months with expired tags and no one had noticed. But I felt sure that at any minute I would be pulled over and given a ticket. It was when I headed down the Dallas turnoff that the policeman pulled in behind me. And he followed me for 6 miles through city traffic. Finally thought I pulled into the DMV parking lot and he drove on. It was with relief that I actually headed into the building.

Walking into the DMV I got my number and just about fainted. My number was 115 and the number they said they were serving was 5. I was relieved to find out a couple of minutes later that they were actually serving number 105. It was as I settled back to wait that I realized I had left my phone .... somewhere ... hopefully at home. So the time that I could have checked my e-mail, updated facebook and even texted to friends, I sat there reminding myself that all of this was my fault. How could I not have noticed my tags did not come in, and how could I have left my phone at home?

But finally my number was called and I explained that I thought I had sent my registration form. She punched it into the computer and sure enough the end of September they had received everything from me. So after filling out a few forms I headed out the door with new tags in my hand. Right there int he DMV parking lot I put the new tags on and breathed a sigh of relief.

So ... with one disaster averted i made the trek home. And though I had lost the entire day to my sewing project, at least i was driving legal and that was surely worth something.

So here I am tonight, a bit frazzled around the edges, tired and oh so ready for some peace and quiet. But what I actually have is ... the dogs barking at the deer in the field and my son watching a zombie movie at full blast. This is probably as peaceful as it is going to get.

Sigh ....

Just Connie

A Friend for Me

I sat there as the tears rolled down my face. I took a deep breath and looked with amazement at my friend. I could hardly believe what I was hearing. Her offer overwhelmed me, blessed me and shocked me. Overwhelmed me that someone would be willing to go out of their way to help me, blessed because I could feel her love and support and shocked because I absolutely did not expect or even consider the option she was giving me.


As I have thought about it, I have wondered why I did not expect it and why I was so shocked. I think I have gotten so used to doing things on my own, used to just doing what needs to be done, that I could not even imagine a scenario where someone would go with me to make things easier for me.


I feel so blessed and so loved ... and truly so very amazed. Yes, I am still amazed by her generous, loving gift to me. I did not expect it and I did not deserve it, yet she chose to give it anyway. As I think about it I guess that is what friendship is all about, choosing to do what is best for those you love.


Somehow I think when we do what is best for those we love, it is also best for us. Love seems to multiple and grow when we give it away.


And that .... is a pretty good thing ...


Just Connie

Stormy Day

It is a dark and stormy night ... after a dark and very stormy day. I sat in the Fire Hall this afternoon and watched the rain go past the window sideways. Buckets and buckets of rain. The weather the past month has been wild and surprising after this fairly mild winter we have had.


I love living in Oregon. I love the green beauty that is evident all year long. But I know that the price for that green beauty is the winter rains. And the rains are finally here. The rivers are rising, the fields are flooded and it looks like nature is trying to catch up for the very dry past 12 months.


So like a true Oregonian, I will live life in the rain without batting an eye. I will choose to forgo foreign implements like umbrellas and remind myself that this is the price we pay to live in the midst of beauty.


And the price is worth it .... usually ...


Just Connie

Snow Thoughts

We have been in the midst of wild storms that is actually melting the last of the snow. Of course it is also causing power outages, downed trees and flooding which is not very good. So in honor of our departing snow. I am going to post some snow pictures I have not posted yet.

The snow was a good break from the routine. And I love how it makes the whole world fresh and new. I think most of us could use some fresh and new in our lives,

Notice that the snow in the back yard is almost to the top of the fence.  This was deep snow, the kind we only get every 5 years or so.

These pictures remind me of how beautiful it was, how much fun and how Hope Puppy loved it.

Snow is wonderful ....

Just Connie

Friendship

I have been thrilled to have some old friends move into the area. It has been a long time since I have had friends close enough to really share life with. The kind of friendships where you can invite yourself over or just call up because you need to vent. The kind of friendship that I have found is very rare.


It has really come home this week, how wonderful it is to have someone to laugh and cry with. I have really missed that and to be honest I think I have really gotten out of the habit of sharing life with someone ... on a deep level.


But I like it and I will work hard at laying down the walls I have so carefully built up. Because the reality is that those walls do not protect me ... they isolate me. It is a reminder that God created us to live in community and to share life abundantly.


I am looking forward to see life unfold as the walls come down and love and friendship come in. It is scary and wonderful and I think will bring great blessing.


Just Connie

When Life Hurts

When life hurts, we have a tendency to hold up our pain and say that it is meaningless against someone else's hurt. That can be beneficial in that we realize that others are struggling and sometimes it puts our own issues into right perspective. But sometimes that view point keeps us from moving through our pain, learning and growing from the experience. It limits us to "acceptable" pain on a very arbitrary rating scale.


I recently suffered a hurt. One that hit on some of my most vulnerable and tender spots. I have had some dear friends who are also going through some huge heart breaking issues at the same time. I have found myself at times  shaming myself for what I am feeling ... holding my circumstances up against my friends to examine the flaws.  I am not sure that is healthy. I think that comparisons do me no good at this point.


I am thinking that perhaps it is better to admit there is deep hurt and look for the causes and what can be "fixed" and what can only be experienced. So much of what we feel has to be experienced to be able to learn from it and to move on. If I keep rejecting the hurt and looking for shortcuts around it then I will never be able to learn the kind of lessons that will grow my heart and my character.


So for now, I will let the hurt go ahead and hurt. I will identify the causes. I will change the things that I can change and I will work on accepting those things I have no control over.


That sounds like a pretty big plan .... but I guess any journey begins with a single step.


Just Connie

Thoughts on Healing

Life leaves scars on our hearts and minds. Those events that cut deeply and change our perceptions of ourselves and others. Healing is an ongoing process that requires time, reflection and ... perseverance.


I have to admit there are times when I find the process of healing so painful and so exhausting ... that I just do not want to do it any more. But yet, the pain of not healing is so great. I remember a counselor told me once that most people will not seek help and healing until the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of changing.


I guess that what I am finding is that I want to be healed. I want to stand straight and strong and be able to live, minister and love the way that God created me to. I just do not always like nor appreciate the "process" of being healed.


In spite of my desire to opt out of this process,  I remain committed to keep striving to move forward. I think I need to keep my eyes off of me and focused on where God is taking me.


Sometimes that is even harder than the process of healing ....


Just Connie

Billy Bob the Snowman

I opened one eye and glared at my son who was shaking my shoulder. "Come and make a snowman with me mom" he pleaded. I pulled the quilt over my head and tried to snuggle back into the warmth of the fire where I had been dozing since hiking back up the hill through the snow and ice after church. But the pleading went on and finally I grabbed my boots and coat and headed out to the front yard with him.



As I worked alongside him, I reflected on how many years it had been since we had built a snowman together and how things had changed. It used to be that I was begging him to come out with me and build a snowman together. But here we were 20 years later and he had to pry me off the couch.



We worked and teased and finally had Billy Bob the snowman all put together. Perhaps a bit wide through the hips but much taller than I am, so he should be able to pull it off.



I have to admit that I am very glad that I pried myself off the couch and went and played for a while. I am also glad for the time spent with my son. It was time well spent.



Now we will see how Billy Bob the Snowman fares in the thawing predicted for the next few days.

Just Connie

A Good Plan

I gingerly pushed my foot through the ice crust, watching the snow go 4 inches above the top of my boots and waded through the 18" of snow underneath as I made my way to church. All of the other churches in town had cancelled their services today. Since I lived in town I decided to go ahead and have services in case there was anyone who wanted to come.
It seemed like such a good plan .... right up until the moment that I put my feet out onto the packed snow in the road. Because the moment that my feet hit the road my feet took off without me and I rocketed down the icy slope at an ever increasing rate of speed. I was finally able to stop myself my inserting my face in an icy snowbank. (I insist that I did it on purpose) And that is when I began to think perhaps it was not such a good idea to hike down the hill and through town to church. But I am no quitter so I kept making my way down the hill.
I figured out very quickly to stay off the packed snow which now had a half an inch of ice covering it. It worked a lot better to walk through the deep snow and wade through it like a big fabric covered ice breaker. The only trouble with that plan was that my shins were taking a beating with every step.
But I finally made it down the hill in one piece and began the trek through town. The  sidewalks were ... well a mixed bag, some were shoveled and covered with ice, some had had many feet crossing it and some were unbroken snow and ice. Then of course there were all the places that had piles of snow that you had to somehow cross. But almost an hour after I left home, I was finally unlocking my office door and preparing for church.
I made it in one piece .... I knew it was a good plan .... now I just have to find a way to get back up the hill.
That should not be a problem .... right?
Just Connie

Snow Puppy

It is still snowing like mad. Hope Puppy is very happy and enjoying the snow. It is bringing a smile to my face as I watch her chase her stick.

Currently she has lost the stick under the snow. However, she is giving it every effort and has dug up the snow over a quarter of the yard looking for it.

My heart has been so heavy this past week, it feels good to sit and laugh over the simple wonderful things.

This is good ....

Just Connie

Snowy February 2014

It is snowy, bitterly cold and beautiful here this morning. I am taking some quiet time in front of the fire and watching the birds in the snow. I think it must be time to take some bird seed out for them. They look to be working way too hard. We have a couple of hours before the next snow storm moves in. There are things to get done before that happens. Sigh ..... I really do not want to move today.

Just Connie

The Plan

My plan was to bundle up and go and sit by the pond today. However, the weather did not cooperate with me. With a high of 20 degrees and snow with a stiff wind, I decided that my plan was a bad idea.

So instead I have been curled up in front of the fire watching the snow come down. I am breathing in peace and enjoying some time alone. I can tell how much I needed this time and I have to wonder why I waited until I was heart sore to do it.

I do not have any answers yet but I am allowing God to wrap me in His loving presence. The answers will come in His time, the hurt will fade and God will build something better than what was destroyed.

I have faith that the best is yet to come .... it is just not here yet.

Just Connie

Exhausted

I think that sorrow must weigh a hundred pounds or more. I feel like I have been carrying around a backpack of bricks today. God got me through today, gave me wisdom, strength, everything I needed, but now at the end of the day I am done in.


I am exhausted, inside and out. And out of the morass of hurt, sorrow and exhaustion some things seem to be floating to the top of the yuck. I think that perhaps it would be good to take them out of the yuck and take a look at it.

• There is a yearning in me to be loved, completely and absolutely loved. And though I recognize that no one can love me like God does, I need to also recognize that in me is the desire to be loved and cherished by flesh and blood.
• There is also in me a deep fear of being rejected and hurt. That very fear can keep others at arms length and keep me from developing deep relationships.
• There is a need in me to live in the midst of family. I need the security of nurturing relationships and the companionship and acceptance that families give to each other.

In this season of life, I realize that I am missing some of the things that are important to me, some of the things that my heart cries out for. That is what life is all about after all. It is not in just handling the good things, but in what we do when life is not what we would choose. It is about finding contentment and peace right where we are.


There is much about my life that I love. My church, my community and my ministry are all precious to me. I need to not let the sting of rejection rob me of joy, peace and contentment in the here and now.


I am thinking I need to get alone for a while tomorrow, sit in the midst of nature and let God fill my heart with peace as I listen for what He has to say.


He is big enough, strong enough and loving enough, to fill all the holes and wounds that life leaves in me.


Just Connie

Hurting Heart

Most of us carry hurts and insecurities from our past. All of my deep hurts in life have centered around the issue of rejection. I know that this is a very tender spot for me and I try hard to compensate for it or to give myself grace when I am faced with rejection. But sometimes ... well ...


Today, I find myself struggling with that all too familiar hurt of rejection. It is a hurt which feels over whelming and all encompassing. The kind of hurt that takes your breath away and reminds you that you are worthless and unloved.' I know all the scriptures that tell me that I am loved. My head knows that it is a fact and that there are people who love me. I even "know" that God loves me. But in the midst of this hurt, it is hard for me to feel any of that with my heart. My heart just hurts.


So ... what do you do when you realize that you really are an outsider to someone? That you do not hold the place in someone's life that you hoped you did? So far all I have been able to do is cry. But I really do not think that is really going to fix anything. What I really want to do is just go to bed and stay there for a week or so, but that is not really going to fix anything either.


So for tonight I will cry and grieve over what I have lost. Tomorrow, life will continue and there will be things to do and people to see. There will be ministry that needs to happen. And for that to happen, I have to allow God to bring solace for my hurting heart.


I honestly think He is the only one that can ....


Just Connie

Body Thoughts

I have always been grateful for my body. Not always grateful for the shape or weight of my body but grateful for my body and all of things it can do. I always knew that I was considerably shorter than average having only attained 4'11'', but I have come to realize as I have gotten older that my body is rather remarkable in its ability to do a wide variety of things.


I realize that I was also fortunate to grow up in a sporting family. My father taught me to throw a perfect spiral and in grade school the principal had me teach the boys had to throw a football. I grew up on the ball field and was bat girl for my father's American League Fast Pitch team but the time I was in 5th grade. By the time I was in 6th grade I was warming up the pitchers and shagging balls at practice. I ended up playing ball until I was in my 40's when I finally moved to a community that did not have community ball teams. I also was riding dirt bikes by the time I was in 8th grade. We were fearless and built our own tracks and jumps. I remember so many wonderful weekends riding with my father and his friends. I was a gymnast, I ran distance, I hiked .... I used my body in so many ways and took it all for granted. I thought everyone did the things I did.


Now in my 50's I am finding that I am a bit unusual. I climb, backpack and hike. I cut wood with the men and have learned to run the hydraulic splitter. I can jump in the midst of any construction project and hold my own. I can work on roofs, in attics and basically do anything I want to do. I am finding that is not the case for so many of my friends. They hurt, they have health problems ... or they have no interest in being active.


It makes me very grateful for the body I have, for its ability to do all the things I do. For the many ways my body puts up with the rather crazy things I participate in and still flourish and do well. And even though I am sore today from a weekend of climbing 16 foot ladders and pulling hundreds of pounds of metal out of the attic, I am grateful for the way my body continues to let me do the things I want to do.


I think a little soreness is a small price to pay ....


Just Connie

Old Friends

I spent the evening with old friends. Of course I tell them they are  very, very old friends and while I am ducking the various implements they are throwing at me I cannot help but laugh. There is something about being with people who have known you a long time that is as comfortable as your favorite sweatshirt.


We spent the evening watching the Super Bowl game and though the game was not entertaining .... being with them was. To be with people who you can be yourself with, who know the old jokes without explanation and remember your past is a precious gift that I have found is rare in the pastorate. It seems that we move on  to new churches and new communities and so often we lose track of those we love and have shared our lives with.


I think I am coming to the realization how important these connections are to me. I need them. I need people who love me for who I am, that I do not have to pretend with and who know my past. People that I can rest in love, assurance and confidence in their love for me.


I am thankful for the time I was given tonight to enjoy that kind of friendship. I am looking forward to many more wonderful days of celebration and friendship.


I think there is love and laughter ahead ...


Just Connie

De-Construction

I sat on the rafters and swung my feet as I waited for the next piece of venting to be cut out. It felt good to sit for a few minutes before dragging/carrying the venting out the hole in the attic to the roof. From the roof it was my job to throw the metal into the trailer parked below. I was trying hard to not  throw myself off the roof with the venting at the same time.


Little by little, we worked out way back to the heat exchange. Using boards as leverage we slowly eased it down onto boards and the three of us began to wiggle it out of the attic. It was at that moment that the two men working with me came to two realizations. Number 1, I could stand up straight in the same attic that they were doubled over in and number 2 I was jumping from beam to beam while they were walking down a 2x12 they had laid down. For some unfathomable reason they felt I had an unfair advantage. (there are some perks to years of gymnastics) But we finally after 15 minutes of pure sweat labor we slowly edged it up to the roof. We slowly carried it to the edge and stood there to catch our breath. As we recovered, people began to stream out of the school to watch with cameras and video recorders in hand. Looking at each other, George and I  put our shoulders to several hundred pounds of metal and pushed it over the edge. As it crashed into the pile of metal beneath it applause and cheers rang out. We waved and headed back to begin a new section.


There is something about demolition that I have to admit that I enjoy. There is something very satisfying about taking a hammer and de-construction something. I have to say that I have had plenty of opportunities for this as I have worked on the Old Willamina High School. Of course it is not demolition for just enjoyment. It is demolition for a purpose and reason. Today's project was because the old boiler system was actually pulling the roof down and causing damage. So little by little, we were fixing the problem.


It is a reminder to me that sometimes to fix problems, there is demolition to do. So often it is hard to think about destroying something ... to build something. But at times it is necessary. I just need to be willing to do what needs to be done.


May all of my demolition projects be as fun as the one today.


Just Connie