I Cried Today

I cried today ... I did not plan on crying ... I certainly did not want to cry ... but there I was sitting among a bunch of pastor's crying.

And the catalyst for the tears was so very unexpected. It hit me hard and fast ... until there I was crying among my peers. No one meant to make me cry ... but yet my friends and colleagues did that very thing.

There we were discussing the new ordination requirements and suddenly they were discussing divorce and ordination. As I sat there and listened ... I felt  ... shame. Shame that I was "one of those". An overwhelming sense of shame that caused my protests to die unsaid and the tears to run down my face as I listened to them discuss divorce in a way that made me feel branded and unclean.

The thing that saddens me is that my hurt and distress made it impossible to speak out ... to protest, to educate. Instead I did what I always tell people to not do ... I withdrew emotionally, I frantically and ruthlessly pushed what I was feeling down.

But I have to admit ... that now hours later I still hurt, I am still fighting tears. I think I am paying the price for not being willing to "feel the feelings". So I am reflecting .... and thinking ... and praying.

I wish ...... that somehow, someway .... but God knows that prayer and He is big enough for this too.