Sick and Tired

Today I am tired of being sick. I realize that does not change my reality at all, but I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Today has not been the peaceful treatment I strive towards.

It started before 5 when some,raging side effects of treatments and srugs gad me scrambling for the bathroom. By 5:30 it was evident that I was not going to make my 6am yoga class which is the very best start to a treatment day. And that class is taught my my wonderful friend and primary care doctor. I knew I wouldn't get away with just telling him it looked like I would unable to come to class when I texted him. Sure enough I got the response, "What is going on?" So I had to tell him which side effects were keeping me home and whether I was working on staying hydrated. But it is one of the reasons I love him, he cares about me and cares about how I am journeying through these deep waters.

When things were not letting up in the next hour then I had to contact the Chamber of Commerce and tell them I would miss that as well. I love this group of people, their love and commitment to this community is absolute and their love of me is a high point of my week. They of course show that love by teasing me without mercy and always being available to help me when needed.

Then I had to call my medic who was going to help place the needles and adjust that time so I coul start the first of the pre meds. She came, she saw, she conquered and poked me full of holes. I took round three of the medications and headed to bed. There as the arm got overly saturated things began to leak. The gamma globulin is very thick and very sticky. It is not what you want all over your bedding.mso I got up clipped off the two lines that were leaking, cleaned my bed as best I could at that point and drifted back to sleep. Only to wake up to more leaking and by then the pump was empty. So I called my medic and she came up and deneedled me while needling me about the leaking. She is most definitely that kind of friend, one who speaks my love language of teasing.

We talked about next week's treatment which will have a large increase and I am glad we will be looking for a new site since it is already too much fluid for my poor arms. She waved goodbye and headed back to work and I took the next round of meds and headed to bed.

By now I was nauseous, had a migraine, my arm was throbbing and to be honest I just wanted to curl up and have my mommy there to remind me that everything was okay. So all afternoon I have dozed and read and dealt with the side effects the best I could. I logged the treatment and the treatment side effects and headed back to bed.

It was on my way back to bed that it dawned on me, I am sick of being sick and tired. I am tired of missing parts of my life that are important to me, tired of how exhausted I am, of the drugs, of the side effects, of everything. I know that sounds childish and harsh, but that is where I am standing tonight.

So I am reminding myself that this treatment is saving my life. Every drop that goes in increases the possibility of building my antibodies up to a therapeutic level. This is a positive, not a negative. And yet I find that tonight I am sad, I am grieving for the life that has been lost, even though I am working hard to embrace my new reality. I still grieve the process that is so harsh and damaging.

I have a feeling that much of the emotion I am feeling is the multitude of drugs they are pumping into my body today. So I will try hard to not camp in this sad place tonight but to focus on what is pure, and true and lovely.

I think that is a much better plan...God is still God and God still loves me! I guess it does not get better than that!

Just Connie