Sick, Sick

I had a Fire Department function today. Our local radio station KYLC brought in an incredible catered meal  to thank us for our work on the wild land fires this summer. Amazing barbecues! However, I was feeling pretty shaky when I got there. I tested my blood sugar, which was way high and then treated it, fully expecting to begin to feel better. But instead I was feeling worse and worse. So I gulped down my anti nausea meds and headed home where I proceeded to get sicker and sicker.

I could not stop throwing up. This seems to happen every few weeks on a Saturday and I have not figured it out. But I have decided to track it and see if I can find any patterns in this. I know that I would very much like to not repeat this misery any time soon.

I sooooo want to move to the other treatment ... It cannot be worse than this.

Just Connie

Surgeon's Visit

Yesterday I made the long trek to OHSU to meet with the surgeon about the mass on my pancreas. I was blessed to be driven by my good friends and we picked up my mother on the way. We got to pick up mom at my Aunt's house. It was so good to see her and it had been so long since I had been at her place. It did my heart good to be able to spend some time with her before we headed to the hospital.

We got there with time to spare so we atually we able to have some lunch together before we headed up to see the surgeon. I love spending time with go my mother and Carolyn so there was lots of laughter and fun.

I liked the surgeon a lot. And even better he did not feel that I needed to rush into surgery. I got s fur month reprieve. In four months I will go in for another endoscopy ultra sound to see if there has been any change in the mass. If there has not been then I will repeat in another four months.

So for now I can take a deep breath, work on getting my lung and immune system stronger. It is good to be able to put this aside for a few months and concentrate on the others for a while.

Now I just need insurance approval for the change in treatment and things will be great!

Just Connie

The Hunt for Gold

I did something today I have not done in a couple of years. I woke up to a glorious fall day, bright,sunny and cool. I knew I had to get my Sunday School lesson done and things prepared and laid out for Board meeting. So I headed to the church bright and early and got all my work done and then ... I headed up Gold Creek Road to meet up with my friend Dan.

I loaded Hope Puppy into the back of Dan's truck and we headed out mushroom hunting. It felt so good to be out in the woods again. I have really missed the hunt for gold, though my neighbor Phil has been good about keeping me supplied. But there is nothing like being out in the woods and letting the glory of God's creation fill your soul and wash all the yuck out.

So even though I only came back with 5 mushrooms, I came back filled with life. So very grateful for this beautiful place I live. So thankful for wonderful friends who help to get me outside and are willing to share their life and live with me,

I feel very blessed ..

Just Connie

Sick and Ick

I love it when the Fre Methodist Pastors get together. I love being with them, hearing about their ministries and being challenged by them. Today we got together to be stretched in some new ways. It was good, it would have been wonderful if I had been feeling better. However, I was struggling with treatment side effects from yesterday. Migraine, nausea, intestinal stuff ... And it just got worse as the day went on. By three I was a miserable lump in the lobby. Luckily my ride came and got me and took me home. Where I have spent the evening trying to just survive.

I will be so glad when treatment has changed and this will not be every single week. I am looking forward to getting some of my life back! Things like today's conference ... Imagine going somewhere and not getting sick!

I am pretty sure I could get used to that ....

Just Connie

steppin Out in Hope, Faith and Life

I got news from my  pulmunologist of Friday that was fairly overwhelming. One of the things I live about him is that he is very, very honest with me at all times. I gave needed that as I have maneuvered through the health care crisis. I am blessed by the doctors who are fighting for me to get better. I think my heart break came when I discovered I was actually much worse than I thought I was.

My pulmunologist called the surgeon who did the biopsy and spoke to him at great length, he called the pathologist and he called the surgeon all just outside of the room I was waiting in. So I got a lot of information I did not have, but I did need to know. They are not sure I am strong enough to tolerate surgery. That surprised me, but I got a better handle on why it needed to come out. It is a ticking time bomb and will not end well if it is left in.

The bottom line is that I am very ill and that is hard for me to wrap my arms around, my pulmunologist caught me crying and I have never done that before. He felt awful ... But yet I needed to know. And I know that crying Is part of processing it.

I need to embrace this new reality, learn from it, see what God says and keep fighting. My Adria's not given up, so why should I. I choose to live in Hope. I choose to live in the reality of Gods love and presence. I choose peace, life and the reality of living in Christ! I know there are good things ahead. God shows me over and over again.

Stepping out in faith, hope and life,

Just Connie

Family Thoughts

Family has always been very important to me. Living here in Willamina, I do not get to see my family very often. But today in spite of all the lung stuff going on, I packed up Hope Puppy, presents and decorations and headed to Burlington to celebrate the soon to be here 1st grand daughter of mine... Paisley.

My family out did themselves and showed up to celebrate, with food and gifts and love and laughter. I was so glad to be in the midst of my family, to see all my great nieces and nephews, to talk to little Paisley who is still hanging out in momma's tummy ... It was a joy and delight.

I am so hopeful that the new form of gamma globulin treatment will allow me to spend more time with my family and with my grand children. In fact I have to say that the chance to spend time with my family makes fighting to get better a very good idea.

Yep definitely worth it ....

Just Connie

Still Fighting

Over the past couple of years I have received all kinds of bad news about my health. Most of the time I am able to acknowledge the news and move ahead. But yesterday, yesterday I had a major melt down. I am not sure why it hit me so hard, but it did. Even my pulmunologist caught me brushing tears away and apologized. But it was not his fault, I am always thankful for his honesty. I always know exactly where I stand and do not have to guess with him.

However, it seems that my perception of where I am and his were different. I needed to know that, though I do not like it. I need to acknowledge it, embrace it and then I need to keep fighting. I cannot let despair rob me of today's joy. There is still a lot of life to live, a lot of things to learn and a lot of people to love. I refuse to live life as a "short timer".

There are good things ahead and With God's help I am willing to fight for them.

Just Connie

treatment Journey

Treatment today ... I am groggy,  nauseous, blood pressure high and so ready to be done with thi for a few days. I know that people have trouble understanding the complexities of the gamma globulin. But I am so hopeful that in a month things will be changing for me. The possibility of going to IVIG instead of sub cue  would give life back. I could plan vacations, I could go and see my daughter. I could do things and that is pretty exciting.

Of course I still have to wade through all the pancreas stuff and I know that is major surgery and potential treatments on top of that. I also will have the ongoing Nucala treatment for my lungs. And all of my specialists who have gotten me this far. My family Dr, my pulmunologist, my ENT, my immunologist, my gasteroenterologist, my oncologist, and of course the surgeon who is looking to take the mass out.

That is a lot of Dr's with their finger in the pie. I am thankful for every single one of them. I feel like I have a great team to move ahead with. And the actually play nice with each other.

So for now I am working on bringing my lungs back to normal and to begin to step down on the massive steroids. We will see, At least I will keep working on it.

And tomorrow I see the pulmunologist to see where I am in this mess. Still believing in good things ahead! Still believing I have things to learn on this journey. I am just very grateful for some addition time to journey and learn.

Just Connie

A Jouney Begins With a Single Step

A journey begins with a single step ... But sometimes we do not relate understand where the path is going to lead. That has been true of the convoluted path I have been on for the past year. Sometimes I feel like I am holding on tight to Mr Toads wild ride. Other times it feels as if I am swinging through open meadows of beauty.

Yesterday was more of Mr Toad's wild ride. I reported to the dermatologist bright and early to have her take a look at the spot I had on my hip that was not healing. It was a left over from a site reaction from 7 weeks ago . So she did what my family doctor told me she would probably do ... She cut it out. I have to say that is a bit counter intuitive to me. You have a big hole that won't heal so you make a bigger hole to fix it. But I go in next week and she will measure it and make sure it is beginning to heal.

From there I took my numb backside to make a run to the party store, stopped a cross walk for a pedestrian and as I sat there heard screeching brakes. Looked in my rear view mirror and saw the little white truck coming up fast behind me.... And sure enough he smashed right into the back of me. I was somehow able to not hit the poor pedestrian, when I heard the truck coming, I jammed my foot down on the brakes. But all in all, we came out it well. My car seems to have no damage, they will check tomorrow. The truck that hit me is a mess . He hit my spare tire on the back and peeled his hood and bumper back. Looks like a total loss. He was a very nice man.

 After I got that wrapped up , I headed back to the doctors office to see my immunologist, where for the first time I heard news that I actually wanted to hear. He wants to move me to IVIG gamma globulin treatment. It means once a week instead of twice a week. And even though you usually get sicker, it is once a month and not every single week. I am very excited about what this will mean for my life. I will have time to do things besides treatment.

One of the first things I will do, is visit my daughter and her family.bibwill take my grandson to the zoo ... I will hike and plan vacations .... Live life that is not wrapped around my neck all issues!

And yes I realize that the mass on my pancreas can really change things, but it is still just one step ahead. I can do that .., even while I am doing the happy dance. Who wants to come and dance with me?

Just Connie

More Journey Ahead

Well, life often is unpredictable and I have been reminded of that this week. I got a call from the Dr at OHSU who did my pancreas biopsy. The cyst he biopsied was benign. However, behind the cyst was a tumor he was not able to biopsy. He said he was very concerned at how that tumor looked and he is referring me asap to a surgeon. The surgeon called today and I have a consultation appointment with him November 1st.

I am a bit surprised to be back on the roller coaster I just got off of. And it was certainly not the news I was expecting at all. But my surprise does not change the reality. So, I will just take another step forward and trust God to walk me through this. I am confident that there are good things ahead and still a lot for me to learn as I continue on this journey.

I also believe that God will bring me support, new friends and incredible blessings that would not have been possible without the journey.m

So I am trusting, and believing and choosing joy. It is a great way to journey on.

Just Connie

Biopsy Results

I sat there in disbelief as the onocologist who is treating my lungs said, "I called up to OHSU and got your biopsy results. They were benign." First I was stunned that he had gotten the results and secondly I was stunned that the biopsy was benign! It was all I could do to not jump up and kiss the poor man. He was pretty happy too and stated that it was good to give news for a change.

Of course I do not know yet, what kind of follow up they will recommend for the mass in my pancreas. They could decide to watch and wait, or take it out or something that I am not even aware of. But the bottom line is that the biopsy showed no cancer cells. Of course my onocologist had to give me the talk that the needle biopsy doesn't test every cell in the mass and there could be cancer cells in another part of the mass. But what I hear is that the biopsy was good and no cancer was detected.

As I have been thinking about why I am so very surprised, grateful but surprised it dawned on me that the surgeon had a lot to do with it. He was pretty upbeat before the biopsy procedure and kind of grim afterwards, talking about how they could take it out and what potential treatment options I had. He gave me the strong impression that he did not like what he had seen.

I will look forward to getting more information from him tomorrow and beginning to make plans for the future again. I had not realized how much of a holding pattern I was in as I waited for these results.

So, tonight I am doing a happy dance. Glad to look ahead with some certainty and much joy. This is feeling pretty good ....

Just Connie

Juggling Balls

Sometimes life gets full of stuff. I am feeling that way, there is just a lot of stuff coming at me, a lot of balls that I am juggling right now.

My health is part of it. I continue to fight for antibodies so I can fight infections. The treatments are time consuming (2 entire days gone) and make me pretty sick. The infections crash my lungs and I am struggling to keep my asthma under control. Spending 5 hours in the ER a couple of days ago for my lungs reminded me that things can change very quickly. And of course there is the mass in my pancreas. All three of those things by themselves would be a lot ...taken together  it is massive. And I work really hard that my life not be all about my illness.

There is my ministry which I love and it gives me life. I have the best job in the world! But suddenly I have less time to do it in. There are things I have to let go of that I did not want to say goodbye to ... But there was just no time. And the church is in a building phase. We need to envision a new future and that takes time and energy as well. There is also my work at the Fire Station which also gives me life and joy. Because of my treatment schedule I miss most of the drills and often can't respond to calls and am forced to send someone else.

There is the house, which needs work. I really needed to get the house painted this summer and it just didn't happen. I have rooms which need to be painted, projects that need to be finished and I need time and energy to do that.

All of those represent a lot of balls that are sometimes in the air and sometimes crashing down around me. And yet ..... I choose peace and joy. In spite of the problems and challenges, I want to live in peace and joy. And I believe that is not dependent on my circumstances, but it is something I choose.

And it is a choice that I have to make every day ....

Just Connie