The Path

Well, I am not so mad today. I almost wish that I was, I think it might be more productive than this all consuming sorrow that has gripped me. I am having trouble concentrating and focusing on much of anything.

My husband called me this morning. He seemed surprised that I was upset that he had used the credit card he had told me he was not going to use. He told me he would send the money to me and pay me back. But since he has not sent me any money he has owed in the 8 months he has been gone, I really do not expect to receive anything now. He kept telling me that he loves me. I had nothing to say, all I could do is cry.

He also told me he was sorry that things had not worked out for us, but I needed to remember that he loved me. He also told me that he considered “us finished”. Again, all I could do is cry.

I do not understand my grief. I really had no secret hope that our relationship would be magically healed. He doesn’t want to live sober. I do not want to live with a volatile drunk. He has threatened me, put me in a choke hold, devastated me financially, given me a concussion, abandoned me repeatedly …. why am I overwhelmed with sorrow at this point? I should be thankful to be safe and free from fear.

And yet the hurt that is battering away at me is all too real. I just cannot seem to throw it off. I have a feeling that it is not something I will be able to throw off. I think I will have to walk through this, one step at a time. I do not want to walk this path. But it stretches out before me regardless of what I want.

I guess it comes down to doing what I think God wants me to do. At this moment, right here, right now. I might not be able to choose what path I walk right now, but I can choose how I walk the path. Tonight I keep walking though tears are blurring the path.

“I consider all your precepts right, I hate every wrong path” Psalm 119:128

Just Connie

Steaming Mad

I am steamed and I can’t decide if I angrier at Gerrald or myself. I have been slowly paying off the many bills that Gerrald left me with. Which, is challenging since I am unemployed. One of those bills is a gas card. The card is in my name and Gerrald told me that he would not use it anymore after he left 8 months ago.

Surprise, surprise when I got the monthly bill today from the gas company and there was over $130 of charges from him. When I called the credit card company they alerted me to hundreds of dollars of outstanding charges that have not been billed yet.

I was floored … and I was angry. Angry that he would not follow through and do what he told me he was going to do. Angry, that he would continue to take advantage of me. Angry, that he has continued in a life style that is foreign and completely incomprehensionable to me.

I am also angry at myself. Angry that I believed that he would do what he told me he would do. Angry, that I allowed myself to be taken advantage of again. Angry, that I could have been so stupid.

I also find that I am grieved. How could he care so little about me, how could he care so little about my life to impose these additional financial burdens on me? I do not understand. How can he profess love and care for me and yet act in such a thoughtless and selfish way? This hurts in away that is all too familiar and yet is now fresh and raw again.

I am tired of crying. I am tired of hurting. I am weary to my very heart.

“My face is red with weeping, deep shadows ring my eyes” Job 16:16

Just Connie

Sing-Along Sunday

It was a full Sunday. I taught my first Adult Sunday School Class at the Willamina Church. We will be looking at the book of Proverbs. I think it will be a very good study on wisdom and knowledge and God’s guidelines for our everyday life. I love teaching and it was a joy to hear people sharing from their hearts as we worked our way through the first chapter. I will look forward to the weeks ahead and we dig into this rich book.

After church I went home and had a quick lunch. Then I had just enough time to and bake cookies for the evening sing-along at the church. Then it was time to report to the church for my afternoon assignment. I was part of the team that was passing out flyers for VBS. I pulled up to the church about the same the rain storm hit. It was a soggy cold afternoon. And I was one of the lucky ones. I got to stay mostly in the car driving. But I still got pretty wet.

Then it was back to the church to practice for the sing-along. It was a wonderful evening. The churches from Grand Ronde, Willamina and Sheridan got together for singing and fellowship. We had a great turnout and had over 100 people that came. Each church presented special music and there was lots of hymn singing. Afterwards we had a time of fellowship and refreshments. People stayed around and chatted and just enjoyed spending time with each other. It was uplifting and refreshing as well as completely enjoyable

“Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs” Psalm 100:2

I love Sundays, I love the chance to worship and it will be interesting to see how they unfold in the months ahead as settle into my new church assignment.

Just Connie

Work Day

Today the church banded together to help someone who had need. We have a woman in our congregation who has had a cascade of physical problems in the last year or so. Her property was getting away from her. So we gathered our tools and equipment and threw ourselves into the work at hand.

We cut brush, rolled wire, cut trees and shrubs, weeded flower beds and tried to tame the encroaching flora. In the process we laughed, talked and just enjoyed working alongside each other.

We ended up getting a lot done in one day. I worked hard, got real dirty and I think I am going to be sore by tomorrow. But I am very glad for the chance to help. I also think it was good to push myself a bit. I think that sometime I do not push myself physically as much as I should.

So all in all today was good for me on several levels. I got to bless someone with a few hours of hard work. I got to connect with friends and enjoy some fellowship. I also got some exercise. Boy did I get exercise.

“All hard work brings a profit” Proverbs 14:23

So I guess I could say that it has been a profitable day.

Just Connie

Sorting History

Today I sorted through decades of papers. It represented the lifetime of a church congregation. There were piles and piles of papers, reports and papers that are generated in the day in and day out of running a church. It was rather overwhelming. To keep or not to keep? That was the question.

As I leafed through the flotsam, I was rather saddened. I have never closed a church before and I have found it to be a painful process. The pain of the congregation, the differing opinions of what should be done … all of those things have been hard to wade through.

Today was hard in several ways. First it was physically hard. I hauled cases and boxes of financial records in a very hot building. Secondly, I was alone. That means there was no one to offer an opinion or to soften the harsh edges. Thirdly, I did not get completely done. That means I have to go back and finish up next week. Fourthly it was just a sad task.

All in all, I found this to be a very emotionally draining day. Like much of the past 8 months I will just have to tough it out and keep moving ahead. Tomorrow is still a new day. I am thankful for that. I will recharge and refresh and try to meet the new day with optimism and peace.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

How thankful I am for the hope of a new day.

Just Connie

Choosing Happiness

The dogs and I headed to McMinnville this morning. Both my sheepdog and my little rat dog were due for rabies shots and license renewal. To make matters worse the sheepdog’s bark collar shorted out. I’ve already had a complaint from the neighbor. So that means I needed to go purchase a new collar. So it was a $200 dollar morning before it was all done.

Sigh … the timing could have been better. It is kind of scary to be spending that kind of money right now. I can justify the normal monthly expenses, it is the extra things like this mornings expenditures that begin to make me twitchy. I know that my reserves will be gone very quickly at this rate.

I am still focusing on trying to enjoy this time off and trying to not let myself get nervous. The right job will come at the right time. I do have one potential job that could start in August. But it is not a sure thing. So I will keep looking. In the meantime I will get lots of rest and will enjoy the flexibility this time brings me.

This is truly an odd interlude for me. I have never been so completely free of responsibilities. But I am choosing to stay positive. I think my outlook will have a lot to do with how I handle the uncertainties in my life. I think this verse is a good reminder.

“All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast” Proverbs 15:15

My attitude will determine my happiness. So I am choosing happiness, my choice, my will.

Just Connie

Boogey Men

As a child I believed in the boogey man. Of course as an adult I have put such childish fears behind me….. well I pretend I have. But in truth there are some things that I fear which have grown into fearsome monsters over the years. Today one of those fears taught me a lesson.

I had a pastor’s meeting today. I was looking forward to meeting the other pastors in the Willamina area. I did not consider what I have come to call the “Nazarene factor”. For a long time I have avoided situations where I would be faced with Nazarene pastors and people who knew me in my former life. To be honest, I was fearful of continued condemnation and just tired of feeling unwarranted shame. Sometimes I went to great lengths to make sure I was not faced with the Nazarene factor.

Today the very first pastor through the doors of the church was a Nazarene pastor and the next two through the door were Nazarene pastors. By that point I told God He had a warped sense of humor. But I forced myself to interact and was pleasantly surprised by their warmth. By the end of the meeting they began telling things they remembered about my time with the Nazarenes. It was positive and humorous and really blessed my heart.

It is a reminder to me that sometimes the things I fear the most are not necessarily real. This boogey man dissipated when faced with the reality of the truth. I am very glad that I was stretched today. I am thankful for the chance to eradicate one of my boogey men. Now if I can just eradicate a few more.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

Just Connie