The Path

Well, I am not so mad today. I almost wish that I was, I think it might be more productive than this all consuming sorrow that has gripped me. I am having trouble concentrating and focusing on much of anything.

My husband called me this morning. He seemed surprised that I was upset that he had used the credit card he had told me he was not going to use. He told me he would send the money to me and pay me back. But since he has not sent me any money he has owed in the 8 months he has been gone, I really do not expect to receive anything now. He kept telling me that he loves me. I had nothing to say, all I could do is cry.

He also told me he was sorry that things had not worked out for us, but I needed to remember that he loved me. He also told me that he considered “us finished”. Again, all I could do is cry.

I do not understand my grief. I really had no secret hope that our relationship would be magically healed. He doesn’t want to live sober. I do not want to live with a volatile drunk. He has threatened me, put me in a choke hold, devastated me financially, given me a concussion, abandoned me repeatedly …. why am I overwhelmed with sorrow at this point? I should be thankful to be safe and free from fear.

And yet the hurt that is battering away at me is all too real. I just cannot seem to throw it off. I have a feeling that it is not something I will be able to throw off. I think I will have to walk through this, one step at a time. I do not want to walk this path. But it stretches out before me regardless of what I want.

I guess it comes down to doing what I think God wants me to do. At this moment, right here, right now. I might not be able to choose what path I walk right now, but I can choose how I walk the path. Tonight I keep walking though tears are blurring the path.

“I consider all your precepts right, I hate every wrong path” Psalm 119:128

Just Connie