The Call

The phone call came while I was in a meeting. When I listened to my voice mail I was stunned. After years of prayer, after finally helping his family file a missing person's report, my former husband called me. And taking a deep breath I returned the call.

I am feeling so many different things right now they are hard to all sort out. I am relieved to hear from him and very thankful that he seems to be healthy and well. He sounded so much better than the last time I spoke with him. I also found myself struggling to find the right words to say to communicate that I was doing well and life was good for me.

To be honest it really felt a bit surreal ... as if the last 8 years melted away. I found myself resisting the urge to forget everything that has happened. To forget the fear and the misery, to just remember the good things. And I think there has to be a balance somewhere between the two. I think I need to remember the wonderful man with a terrible problem. To remember but to not be bitter or angry. To remember, to pray and to continue to heal.

I do not have to be controlled or defined by what happened between us. I can just be who I am, what I am and let God continue His work in my heart and life.

I am a work in process .... in fact I have to admit I feel like a construction zone right now.

Just Connie

Unwritten

It is the first day of a new year. There are 365 unwritten pages stretching before me. I know that the story that is written will be full of be filled with joy and laughter. I look with anticipation for what lies ahead. I know that there will be tears and heartache, challenges and obstacles and still I stand with confidence knowing that God is big enough for what I will face in the days ahead.

I pray that as the story is written that it would glorify God, serve others and bring love and laughter wherever I go.

I wonder what the next year will bring ....

Just Connie

Turmoil and Praying

Today my former in-laws contacted me. It always makes my stomach clench with the fear that there is bad news about my former husband. But it turns out that they needed his social security number for the missing persons report.

I have to say that ever since he left and I realized that he was living on the streets, I have had a fear that something would happen to him and none of us would ever know. After my years working at the Rescue Mission I know how dangerous the streets are. Weather, infections, fights, predators ... there are just so many things that can go wrong.

So for much of today I have found myself in turmoil as I have thought about all the things that could have happened in the year since we have heard from him. But I am reminded that this is something I cannot change. In the same way that I could not change his decision to leave, I cannot undo his choice to be where he is.

I am praying that we will be able to get news of him, praying that he will be okay, praying that he will find freedom from his addictions and problems. Praying .... praying ... praying ....

And I guess that is an okay thing to be doing ....

Just Connie

Life Happens ....

This is the week ... the week that I think about things ... about the past and about my future. It was 5 years ago this week that I slipped a few clothes in a bag and quietly crept out of the house. Leaving a a situation that was becoming more and more dangerous for me. I left to protect myself but I had hope that somehow my husband would sober up and that God would work a miracle for us.

Instead over the next month and a half it became obvious that he had no desire for sobriety or for marriage. And one day in February he called to say goodbye as he left town. It was with sadness that I pulled into an empty house two months after I left and began to rebuild my life.

There is still so much that brings me great sadness as I look back. Sad for what we lost in his alcoholism, sad for the scars that it brought to my life and sad for the gifts that this man has that are obscured by his choice for alcohol. Sad that I find myself alone at this point in my life.

But as I look back I also realize that God has done some wonderful things in my heart and life in the past 5 years. He has taught me to both receive grace and to give grace. He has brought people to help me when I am weak and people to celebrate the victories with me. He has taught me to do things for myself that I never wanted to attempt, like mow the lawn and service my pellet stove.Iit fills me with the sense that I can be independent and yet accept help when I need it.

As I look ahead, I realize that my life might not be what I dreamed it would be. However, I am choosing to live in hope. Hope that God is not done with me, hope that there are good things ahead for me and hope in the knowledge that life is worth the hurts.

Life happens ... But I choose hope. It is always the right choice.

Rest Time

Sometimes in the midst of my busy schedule it seems my body just crashes. I have definitely reached one of those times. With nothing pressing on my schedule, I have spent the last couple of days napping on the couch. I refuse to feel guilty about that, I am thinking that my body and mind must need that. I also realize that antibiotics take a toll on me and that I need to let the meds continue to do their work and give all of my systems adequate time to rest and restore.

So for today I will continue to lay low and enjoy this rare time. It gives me a good foundation for the busy time I know will be ahead for me.

I think it is time to go and take a nap ....

Just Connie

Christmas Day

Christmas Day ,,, I am not sure how it got here so quickly. But I popped out of bed at mom and dad's at 5:00 this morning. after dragging my nephew out of bed we opened our stockings played with the dogs and enjoyed an hour with the family. Then I packed up the car and drove home to Willamina.

After unpacking the car and dropping Hope Puppy off, I headed down to Coyote Joe's for the Annual Christmas Dinner. For the next 5 hours I  waited and bused  tables, and laughed and joked and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

There is something so very satisfying about taking the time to serve others instead of moping around home by myself. I am very glad to have this gift of opportunity given to me each year. It makes my Christmas so much richer and joyful.

So here I sit tonight, tired, happy and feeling very content with life. I am thinking that is a pretty good feeling at the end of a pretty good day.

Just Connie

Sinus Infection

I have had some nagging sinus problems over the last couple of months. I went to the Dr a couple of months ago and today I finally went back. It seems that I have a sinus infection. So I am back on antibiotics and cough meds again as well as decongestants.

I love my Dr. He is kind and caring and seems to have a pretty good handle on how I operate. he also realizes that as an uninsured patient I have limited funds available for treatment and meds. Today he told me that if my sinus infection does not clear up we would have to do a cat scan. I laughed and pointed out that what I had just heard was, "Do not come back to see me about this". But he knows that I will, because I am highly motivated to not have another year like I had last year. However I am thinking that a cat scan would probably be beyond my financial means. Unless of course I use the neighbors cat for the scan. But somehow I am not sure that would actually get the job done.

So tonight I am having a quiet night and taking my meds like a good girl. Hopefully this will soon be cleared up and I will be back at full strength once again.

At least I sure hope so ... I can only be good for so long ....

Just Connie