Still Fighting

Over the past couple of years I have received all kinds of bad news about my health. Most of the time I am able to acknowledge the news and move ahead. But yesterday, yesterday I had a major melt down. I am not sure why it hit me so hard, but it did. Even my pulmunologist caught me brushing tears away and apologized. But it was not his fault, I am always thankful for his honesty. I always know exactly where I stand and do not have to guess with him.

However, it seems that my perception of where I am and his were different. I needed to know that, though I do not like it. I need to acknowledge it, embrace it and then I need to keep fighting. I cannot let despair rob me of today's joy. There is still a lot of life to live, a lot of things to learn and a lot of people to love. I refuse to live life as a "short timer".

There are good things ahead and With God's help I am willing to fight for them.

Just Connie

treatment Journey

Treatment today ... I am groggy,  nauseous, blood pressure high and so ready to be done with thi for a few days. I know that people have trouble understanding the complexities of the gamma globulin. But I am so hopeful that in a month things will be changing for me. The possibility of going to IVIG instead of sub cue  would give life back. I could plan vacations, I could go and see my daughter. I could do things and that is pretty exciting.

Of course I still have to wade through all the pancreas stuff and I know that is major surgery and potential treatments on top of that. I also will have the ongoing Nucala treatment for my lungs. And all of my specialists who have gotten me this far. My family Dr, my pulmunologist, my ENT, my immunologist, my gasteroenterologist, my oncologist, and of course the surgeon who is looking to take the mass out.

That is a lot of Dr's with their finger in the pie. I am thankful for every single one of them. I feel like I have a great team to move ahead with. And the actually play nice with each other.

So for now I am working on bringing my lungs back to normal and to begin to step down on the massive steroids. We will see, At least I will keep working on it.

And tomorrow I see the pulmunologist to see where I am in this mess. Still believing in good things ahead! Still believing I have things to learn on this journey. I am just very grateful for some addition time to journey and learn.

Just Connie

A Jouney Begins With a Single Step

A journey begins with a single step ... But sometimes we do not relate understand where the path is going to lead. That has been true of the convoluted path I have been on for the past year. Sometimes I feel like I am holding on tight to Mr Toads wild ride. Other times it feels as if I am swinging through open meadows of beauty.

Yesterday was more of Mr Toad's wild ride. I reported to the dermatologist bright and early to have her take a look at the spot I had on my hip that was not healing. It was a left over from a site reaction from 7 weeks ago . So she did what my family doctor told me she would probably do ... She cut it out. I have to say that is a bit counter intuitive to me. You have a big hole that won't heal so you make a bigger hole to fix it. But I go in next week and she will measure it and make sure it is beginning to heal.

From there I took my numb backside to make a run to the party store, stopped a cross walk for a pedestrian and as I sat there heard screeching brakes. Looked in my rear view mirror and saw the little white truck coming up fast behind me.... And sure enough he smashed right into the back of me. I was somehow able to not hit the poor pedestrian, when I heard the truck coming, I jammed my foot down on the brakes. But all in all, we came out it well. My car seems to have no damage, they will check tomorrow. The truck that hit me is a mess . He hit my spare tire on the back and peeled his hood and bumper back. Looks like a total loss. He was a very nice man.

 After I got that wrapped up , I headed back to the doctors office to see my immunologist, where for the first time I heard news that I actually wanted to hear. He wants to move me to IVIG gamma globulin treatment. It means once a week instead of twice a week. And even though you usually get sicker, it is once a month and not every single week. I am very excited about what this will mean for my life. I will have time to do things besides treatment.

One of the first things I will do, is visit my daughter and her family.bibwill take my grandson to the zoo ... I will hike and plan vacations .... Live life that is not wrapped around my neck all issues!

And yes I realize that the mass on my pancreas can really change things, but it is still just one step ahead. I can do that .., even while I am doing the happy dance. Who wants to come and dance with me?

Just Connie

More Journey Ahead

Well, life often is unpredictable and I have been reminded of that this week. I got a call from the Dr at OHSU who did my pancreas biopsy. The cyst he biopsied was benign. However, behind the cyst was a tumor he was not able to biopsy. He said he was very concerned at how that tumor looked and he is referring me asap to a surgeon. The surgeon called today and I have a consultation appointment with him November 1st.

I am a bit surprised to be back on the roller coaster I just got off of. And it was certainly not the news I was expecting at all. But my surprise does not change the reality. So, I will just take another step forward and trust God to walk me through this. I am confident that there are good things ahead and still a lot for me to learn as I continue on this journey.

I also believe that God will bring me support, new friends and incredible blessings that would not have been possible without the journey.m

So I am trusting, and believing and choosing joy. It is a great way to journey on.

Just Connie

Biopsy Results

I sat there in disbelief as the onocologist who is treating my lungs said, "I called up to OHSU and got your biopsy results. They were benign." First I was stunned that he had gotten the results and secondly I was stunned that the biopsy was benign! It was all I could do to not jump up and kiss the poor man. He was pretty happy too and stated that it was good to give news for a change.

Of course I do not know yet, what kind of follow up they will recommend for the mass in my pancreas. They could decide to watch and wait, or take it out or something that I am not even aware of. But the bottom line is that the biopsy showed no cancer cells. Of course my onocologist had to give me the talk that the needle biopsy doesn't test every cell in the mass and there could be cancer cells in another part of the mass. But what I hear is that the biopsy was good and no cancer was detected.

As I have been thinking about why I am so very surprised, grateful but surprised it dawned on me that the surgeon had a lot to do with it. He was pretty upbeat before the biopsy procedure and kind of grim afterwards, talking about how they could take it out and what potential treatment options I had. He gave me the strong impression that he did not like what he had seen.

I will look forward to getting more information from him tomorrow and beginning to make plans for the future again. I had not realized how much of a holding pattern I was in as I waited for these results.

So, tonight I am doing a happy dance. Glad to look ahead with some certainty and much joy. This is feeling pretty good ....

Just Connie

Juggling Balls

Sometimes life gets full of stuff. I am feeling that way, there is just a lot of stuff coming at me, a lot of balls that I am juggling right now.

My health is part of it. I continue to fight for antibodies so I can fight infections. The treatments are time consuming (2 entire days gone) and make me pretty sick. The infections crash my lungs and I am struggling to keep my asthma under control. Spending 5 hours in the ER a couple of days ago for my lungs reminded me that things can change very quickly. And of course there is the mass in my pancreas. All three of those things by themselves would be a lot ...taken together  it is massive. And I work really hard that my life not be all about my illness.

There is my ministry which I love and it gives me life. I have the best job in the world! But suddenly I have less time to do it in. There are things I have to let go of that I did not want to say goodbye to ... But there was just no time. And the church is in a building phase. We need to envision a new future and that takes time and energy as well. There is also my work at the Fire Station which also gives me life and joy. Because of my treatment schedule I miss most of the drills and often can't respond to calls and am forced to send someone else.

There is the house, which needs work. I really needed to get the house painted this summer and it just didn't happen. I have rooms which need to be painted, projects that need to be finished and I need time and energy to do that.

All of those represent a lot of balls that are sometimes in the air and sometimes crashing down around me. And yet ..... I choose peace and joy. In spite of the problems and challenges, I want to live in peace and joy. And I believe that is not dependent on my circumstances, but it is something I choose.

And it is a choice that I have to make every day ....

Just Connie

Today

I am a couple of days past the biopsy on my pancreas and doing better. Yesterday was rather miserable as my lungs decided they were not happy. My pulmunologist sent me to the ER to make sure that I had not aspirated anything during the procedure. My lungs looked good except the bottom part of my lobes were not inflating. So they gave me a couple of breathing treatments and after 4 hours let me go home.

I have spent today resting and watching movies which is a pretty rare occurrence for me. Tomorrow will be very busy and I want to be well rested for it. I am teaching Sunday School, preaching and have a 2:00 funeral to do. So it will be a very busy day.

It is good to be feeling better and I look forward to what tomorrow will bring.

Just Connie