The Call

The call I have been waiting for came today. I came home from the office, pushed the button on the answering machine and there it was. I listened to it twice and very responsibly wrote all the information down, but my heart was pounding and I realized that my hand was shaking as i wrote the number down.

I had been expecting this call, but dreading this call. It was the call from the "divorce clearance" committee of my denomination. They have reviewed the divorce papers and my statements and are ready to meet with me. They will hold my choices against biblical standards to determine that I am correct in my actions. They will also determine my emotional and mental health for ministry.

I find this to be a very scary process. Even though I have put myself under the guidance and authority of my denominational leaders and acted with their approval, even though I feel I have done what God has asked me to do, I can feel the panic hit when I think about this interview. It is so important to me. My call to ministry is a core component of who God created me to be. I want to, need to follow the call just as much as I need to breathe.

I guess when it comes down to it, my ministry is God's responsibility. If He wants me in ministry then He will bring me through this. I need to keep reminding myself that this battle is not mine, it is God's. I just need to keep moving forward in the strength and courage God gives me.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged" 1 Chronicles 22:13
Just Connie

Last Night

I came home last night, sat heavily in the chair and stared at the wall. In all honesty I felt like I had been run over by a truck. I guess in a way I had. It was a semi truck of emotion and memories that I really did not want to face.

I have been seeing a counselor. I believe that good counsel can help us heal and discover things about ourselves that God can grow and change if needed. I know that I need to face why I stayed in a relationship that was so damaging to me for so long. To do that I have to face the damage that was done to me. Physically and emotionally .... I need to call it what it what it is. I have not wanted to do that because .... well for all kinds of reasons.

Last night, my very wise counselor, stretched me. She led me to feel the feelings I had buried as I had worked desperately to find a way to help my husband. The feelings that I denied, pushed aside and refused for so long. She pushed me by putting ugly names on some of the things that happened to me, names I did not want to be true, but words that really are true .... ugly but true.

So last night I sat in the chair and I cried. I cried for all that I had lost, for all that I had experienced. I cried for the pain, the ugliness for the sheer waste of what God had intended for us as a couple. I cried.

This morning I woke to a new understanding that these emotions will not destroy me. These feelings and the experiences that generate them, God will use in miraculous ways. He will touch the ugliness and build something strong and beautiful. What Satan meant to use for destruction and hurt, God will use to strengthen and beautify.

"May my cry come before you, O Lord; give me understanding" 119:169

Just Connie

Living a Life of Celebration

Palm Sunday, and today's sermon was about l"Living a Life of Celebration". I have said it before, but the thing about preaching is that it forces you to address those issues in your own life. It is an ongoing check and balance for my spiritual life.

Today it was all about "Laugh, Love & Live" Regardless of our situation living lives of celebration. Here is the outline of today's sermon.

Laugh
God created us to laugh, to feel and express joy.

Laughter heals "A cheerful heart is good medicine" Proverbs 15:15

Laughter breaks down walls and unites hearts. "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter" Job 8:21

Love
Love grows out of our relationship with God. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" Matthew 22:37

Out of that grows our love for other people. "Let us love one another, for loves comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." 1 John 4:7

Live
We need to live for Christ

We need to live like we believe in the promises of God

We need to live for other people.

We need to live lavishly.

"Live a life of love, just as Christ loved us" Ephesians 5:2

How would we be different if we lived lives of celebration? Lives that truly celebrated our freedom in Christ? It would be a powerful thing ... a life changing thing both for us and the people around us.

I think it is time for the party to start.

Just Connie

Sing! Sing! Sing!

As a small child I sang to everyone ... whether they wanted me to or not I sang. In grade school I sang in every choir and could sing loud and strong .... very loud. In high school I began to learn the mechanics of singing and was blessed to be in a top rate performance choir. In college I led worship in my church and sang wherever I went. Singing has always been an integral part of my life.

In college a car accident that sidelined me for a few years gave me the chance to learn to play guitar. The guitar soon became a part of who I was and gave me even more chances to sing.

Early in my ministerial career I served as a minister of music. It gave me ever expanding opportunities to sing. I led in worship and had a myriad of places that I could lift my voice and sing. It was during that time I found that that I loved harmony and was blessed for some years to sing as part of a quartet. That quartet brought me me great joy and we often sang just for the sheer pleasure of singing. As my ministry shifted more and more to pastoral ministry, I still had plenty of chances to sing.

Then came one of those huge shifts that can happen in life. For 10 years I was out of pastoral ministry and I found I had few opportunities to sing. The less I sang the less I wanted to. As things in my personal life became more challenging, I found that I had even less desire to sing. Over the years I discovered that I was not even picking up my guitar and singing for me.

Over the past 3 years, I have begun singing again. As God begins to heal my heart, a song begins to rise again. The more I sing, the more I want to sing. And there seems to be ever expanding opportunities to sing. I have even pulled the guitar out and begun playing again.

It feels good to sing. I think that for me singing is an expression of my heart. It is one of those things that God created me to do. Nothing feels better than being the person God created us to be. I think the new heart and new life God is giving me is showing.

I think it is time for me to sing a new song for a new life.

"Sing to the Lord a new song" Psalm 96:1

Just Connie

What Are You Thinking?

I was asked an interesting question yesterday. I was asked, "What have you thought about today?" It rather took me aback, but it was a great question, So tonight I am going to share the things that I have thought about today. (that I can remember)

Random Thoughts of the Day
Why do I have dogs? (that was after Hope Puppy woke me up)
How can the house get so cold overnight?
Is my friend Mary still feeling sick?
How can I best help a struggling parishioner?
Why did I ever agree to sing in the women's group? (we are singing tomorrow)
Why can't my vacuum cleaner clean itself out?
How can one little 5 pound bunny shed so much hair? (Bubba is blowing his winter coat)
How can two dogs track that much stuff into the house?
I'm hungry .... what is there to eat?
My daughter is pregnant! My daughter is pregnant!
I should take the dogs on a walk ... Nah!
I wonder how mom and dad are doing today?
Will this rain ever stop?
I wish I could teach Charlie to throw the ball for Hope puppy.
Facebook is a wonderful tool.
Why isn't there anything good on TV?

Those are just some of the thoughts I had today. It really tells you a bit about my life and my frame of reference. For better or worse this is my life.

"You gave me life and showed me kindness" Job 10:12


Just Connie

Puppy Obsession

Hope puppy has an obsession. It is an all consuming obsession. Her day revolves around this obsession. Her obsession is DRIVING ME CRAZY!

Hope's obsession is with balls. She loves them. She loves to chase them, she loves to catch them, she loves balls. She carries one with her everywhere she goes. Where her obsession begins to just be downright annoying is that she wants you to "throw the ball". She will drop the ball on my lap and stand there saying, Throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball". She does this over and over and over again. Every step you take is with Hope dropping a ball between your feet. While I type this she keeps dropping a ball covered in dog drool on the keyboard, "Throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball."

I am trying to teach her a new command "Leave it!". I have to admit that she does not really have this new command down yet. But at least she is not barking incessantly at me anymore to "throw the ball". I just need to hang in there until she learns a bit more.

In watching Hope there are lessons for me. What are my obsessions? Am I driving anyone crazy? Is God ever telling me to "Leave it". Those questions need to stay before me. I have to admit that Hope is teaching me more than I am probably teaching her.

I wonder what I will learn tomorrow?

"He will roll you up tightly like a ball and throw you into a large country" Isaiah 22:18

Just Connie

Dog Walk

I went on a walk today. Let me restate that. I went on a walk today with BOTH dogs! I have been walking the dogs one at a time while I am training Hope Puppy. Today was the big day, walking them both together.

I have to say that it went much better than I was expecting it to for our first walk. Hope walked where she was supposed to and did not weave around or crawl all over Charlie which is really what I expected her to do. She walked like a champ. The only time I had to correct her is when we stopped or when we passed someone else. Because at those points she knew that it was time to play.

So today the girls and I walked in the sunshine and enjoyed the smell of fresh mown grass. We stood in the dappled sunlight and watched the fruit blossoms swirl in the breeze around us. We stood wrapped in the beauty of a fresh spring day.

I was thankful as I stood there today. Thankful for sunshine, thankful for my doggie friends, thankful for the peaceful afternoon. And thankful is a very good thing.

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart ... and be thankful" Colossians 3:15

Just Connie

Pastoral Day

Today was one of those days that remind me of the unpredictability of ministry. Here are a few of the things I did today. I talked with someone who was broken hearted and weeping. I spoke with needy people needing financial help. I spoke with the sheriff, in fact several times. I spent several hours with friends who needed me. I worked on my sermon. I spoke with a salesman (I could have done without that)

All of those things really define the life of a pastor. It is not the quiet moments spent in prayer and reflection or even the 30 minutes spent preaching every Sunday. It is holding someone whose heart is breaking. It is holding the hands of someone who is dying. It is being on a first name basis with the sheriff. It is loving lavishly and being available to the hurting and needy.

Days like today fill me with the certainty of the rightness of my call to ministry. It felt right. All of it. I do not feel exhausted tonight, I feel complete. I feel .... well like a pastor.

"it was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelist and some to be pastors and teachers." Ephesians 4:11

Just Connie

Sunday

Sundays, Sundays .... so good to me. They really are good to me. The worship, the interaction with other Christians uplifts my spirits and energizes me. I love being with God's people. I think the pastorate is the best job in the whole world.

I have been teaching an adult Sunday School class on the book of Proverbs. We are slowly going through verse by verse and looking at how it applies to our daily life. It has been all about our lives and the problems we face every day. I have really enjoyed it.

There is something about teaching that always energizes me. The interaction between the people, the insight they bring me and the laughter that is always part of our class. it is good for the soul and it fills a need in my life that nothing else can fill.

I am grateful for the call on my life, grateful for where God has placed me. It seems to fit so well and it is bring great joy. Days like today remind me of how right ministry is for me, because it is what God has called me to and equipped me for.

Tonight I am grateful for Sundays and all they bring to me. It is good to celebrate.

"They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness" Psalm 145:7

Just Connie

Good Night

I am tired tonight. I am still processing the training I went through and I think I need to sleep on it before I report. I am glad that I was part of the process and it will be interesting to see how God uses it in the days to come.

The dogs are very happy to have me home. In fact Hope puppy is bouncing off the walls in her happiness. I think it is time to calm her down and put her in her kennel cage for the night. And that means that it is time for me to call it a night as well. It is nice to give myself permission to head to bed.

Good night everyone I hope your night is blessed and restful.

"I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me." Psalm 3:5

Just Connie

Off to Training

I am heading to training today so in just a couple of hours I will throw my bags into the car and drive to Aldersgate in Turner Oregon. I am really looking forward to this. I will be trained to be a church coach as part of our conference Church Development Network.

I have no idea what to expect other than I expect to be stretched and that is a good thing. It will be nice to be out of my normal routine and interact with other leaders and pastors from across our conference.

So tomorrow, I will report on the process and share what I learned. the sun is shining, It is a beautiful day and I am looking forward to the drive.

"Let the wise listen and add to their learning" Proverbs 1:5

Just Connie

Fresh Pain & Old Hurts

There are times when fresh reminders of all that I have lost in the past 12 years rip the healing wounds wide open. Today was one of those days. It was no one's fault in particular ... it just kind of happened. I found myself blindsided by information that I did not really want to have. Information that brought a fresh pain to old hurts.

I suddenly felt like an outsider. I felt alone and unimportant. I understood all of the reasons why I was feeling that, but it did not make me feel any better. It hurt and it still hurts as I think about it.

This is one of those things that there really is no fix for it, I just have to get through it. I am finding that tonight I do not feel much like getting through it. I am tired of the hurt and tired of rejection, tired of being alone. But regardless of how I feel, this is where I am.

So tonight I lift my head up and say, "Lord, I hurt. My heart is lonely, I feel the sting of rejection and the humiliation of loneliness. I am weary. Weary of hurting, weary of tears, weary of being alone. Help me in my hurt. Help me to see you and to feel you. "

"You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God" Psalm 51:17

Just Connie

Update on Dad

Well Dad is home tonight. I am very thankful that he is no longer in the hospital. They diagnosed him as having had a small stroke from a blood clot. He is improving and doing better. I am very grateful for that.

It is hard to see him struggle. He has been such a strong, fit and vital man all of my life. These last 6 months have been a bit like visiting a foreign country. The language is hard to understand (have you tried speaking medical jargon with the doctors?) the customs are bizarre and all of it just seems kind of wrong.

I have to admit that I am grieved over the changes I see in my father. I am thankful that he is with us and grateful for everyday we are given with him, but I grieve over what has been lost. I am praying that this latest problem with not derail the progress he has made in the past months.

So grieved, grateful and praying ... I guess that sounds a lot like life.

"Hear the cry and the prayer that your servant is praying in your presence ont his day" 1 Kings 8:28

Just Connie

Dad

Dad is back in the hospital. he is having trouble with one of his legs. They are running tests to determine what is wrong. So we are all waiting for answers ... waiting .... waiting.

I find that this is rather scary to me. I do not like being so far away and I do not like that there is a problem with his recovery. I want him to continue to gain strength every day. I do not want him to deal with one more problem when he has already faced so much. I do not want mom to have to sit in any more hospital corridors waiting for answers.

But regardless of what I want, here we are waiting for answers. Waiting ... waiting ... waiting.

"Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" Psalm 27:14

Just Connie

Playful Puppy

I am watching Hope puppy careen around the family room. She has a squeaky toy and is tossing it up in the air and tossing it in the air. She then jumps and pounces on it like a kitten. Well like a 400 pound kitten. She hits it with the force of a scud missile. She jumps up and down on it with her front paws and makes it squeak like mad. Then she starts all over again.

It is good that there is not much she can damage in this room. Because the only thing on her mind is that toy and nothing .... nothing will stand in her way. Not me, not furniture, not even my sheepdog Charlie can slow her down. She runs over the top of all of us. It is impossible to be angry with her. She is having a wonderful time.

I think I need to learn to play with that kind of abandon. It would probably be very good for me. Because in honesty I do not think I take enough time to just play. I am trying to spend time everyday playing with Hope puppy and that has been good. But I think I also need to play for just me. I need to play for the sheer joy of playing. I have a feeling that it will not be as easy as Hope puppy makes it look.

"The city streets will be filled with boys and girls playing there" Zechariah 8:5

Just Connie

Form or Heart

Here it is Sunday once again. The day has been filled with busyness as Sundays seem to be. I have been teaching the adult Sunday School class since I was assigned to the Willamina Church. I love teaching, it is a joy to me. I am very glad for the opportunity.

We have been studying Proverbs. It is has been a good class and there has been some great discussion. In fact you never know what is going to come up and it really keeps me on my toes.This morning in class we were talking about the idea of obedience is better than sacrifice. In other words, God does not want the form of religion, he wants the hearts of men. It was a great discussion as we talked about how easy it was to get caught up in the form and ritual of our faith.

Today's discussion has been a good opportunity for me to reflect on my own life. As a pastor it is so easy to get caught up in "doing church" and forget that we are the church. It is all about my heart and my relationship with Christ. yes, we need committees and boards and the structure, but that needs to not be the focus of what we do and who we are.

In my own heart and life I do not want the "form of religion" I want the heart of Christ. I do not want to "do church" I want to "be the church". I want to be everything that God created me to be. To do that ... it will require all that I am. I think that is a very good thing.

"The Lord detests the sacrifice of the wicked but the prayer of the upright pleases him." Proverbs 15:8

Just Connie

Time Change

Tonight we change to Daylight Savings Time. I hate the time change. Well it would be more accurate to say that my body hates the time change. It takes a couple of months for my body rhythm to catch up with the rest of the world. I would love to see us stay on one or the other, all year long. Or slowly transition to it in small 15 minutes increments. Perhaps we could be like Arizona which does not recognize Daylight Savings Time. They stay on Standard Time all year long.

My head tells me that those are all totally ridiculous solutions, but I know that my body will be crying out in the morning. In fact it will be crying out for several weeks. I would love to find a better solution for this.

The reality is that I just am not ready for the clocks to "spring ahead an hour" now and I will not be ready for the clocks to "fall back" in the Fall. But I will eventually adjust to both of them. But in the perfect world that I sometimes dream about, there would be no time change to upset our body rhythms or me.

I can dream about it can't I?

"My times are in your hands" Psalms 31:15

Just Connie

Mom's Visit - Day 3

Mom's visit with me is going too quickly. Tomorrow she is leaving! The time has just flown by and I am not ready to have her go yet.

We had a quiet relaxing day today. We facebooked together on the laptops, played some games, listened to music, read books, visited with friends, made a stop at the hardware store and the grocery store. It was basically just a day spent enjoying each other and accomplishing a few small tasks.

And tomorrow, we wave goodbye to each other. I will really miss her. It has been so good to have her here. I am so fortunate to have a mother like I do. She is a woman of integrity and great strength. She is passionately supportive of her family and would move heaven and earth to help me ... and she has. She is an incredible woman and I am glad that she is not only my mother, but my friend.

"May women do noble things, but you surpass them all" Proverbs 31:29

I hope I can be that kind of mother to my children.

Just Connie

Mom's Visit - Day 2

Well the party got off to a good start today. Mom and I headed into town and went computer shopping. We found her a nice laptop at the second store we tried. Then we headed to Great Wall for some great Chinese food. We really enjoyed it and probably ate much more than we should have, but it just all tasted so very good.

After lunch we headed home and unpacked her computer, got her online and registered. Then I turned the laptop over to her and she has been facebooking ever since. It is rather fun to have someone else in the house on the computer. I have been showing her some little tricks and trying to answer any questions she might have. I think she will love this laptop when we have finally restored her favorites and the other things that she needs. It is nice to have her online and participating in our games and foolishness.

It is wonderful to have loving company for a few days. I forget how quiet and empty the house is most of the time. As much as I savor this opportunity, I wonder if things will be pretty lonely when she goes home. But I am not going to go there tonight. I am just going to savor the gift of time that God has given us.

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." Deuteronomy 7:9

Just Connie

Mom's Here

Mom is here! Let the party begin. I took her to prayer at the church tonight and of course everyone said we look just alike. The other thing they mentioned is that they saw where I get my mischievous streak from. Mom always tries to tell people that it skipped a generation. However, anyone that knows her knows better than that.

It has been so much fun to have her here and she has only been here a few hours. I am still running around and showing her all the stuff I wanted her to see. We do not often have the chance to be together like this. It is truly a special treat.

Tomorrow we will go computer hunting and get mom her laptop. That will be fun then we can play dueling laptops here at the house. Then who knows what fun we will find? I just know that I am going to savor every moment that she is here.

"may your father and mother be glad; may she who gave you birth rejoice!" Proverbs 23:25

Just Connie

10 Things I Don't Like

Just because I feel like it, tonight I am going to list 10 things I really, really dislike. Perhaps you would agree with me me on some of these. I am sure that you have a list of your own, even if you have never written it down.

So here is my Top 10 Things I Don't Like (not necessarily in order of importance)

1. Mean People
2. Selfishness
3. Violence
4. Being Lonely
5. Political Correctness
6. Cheese
7. Addictions
8. Gossip
9. Equipment that won't work
10. Words that wound.

I am pretty certain that these are all things that are pretty bad for me ... especially the cheese.

"Hate what is evil; cling to what is good" Romans 12:9

Just Connie

Visitor Coming

I got some good news today. My mom is going to come and spend a few days with me this week. It will be wonderful to have her here. She is coming for some much needed rest and relaxation. I am so glad that it is working out for her to come. She is an incredible woman and I am very thankful for her.

I am finding it hard not to think up a bunch of activities to do together while she is here. I keep reminding myself, peace and quiet ... peace and quiet. But yet there are so many things I want to show her or share with her. But I will keep reminding myself peace and quiet.

Of course to find peace and quiet in my house I will have to ship the animals off to Antarctica. But if they are not quiet they are at least usually entertaining. Hope puppy is endlessly inventive and amazes me what she can get into.

So tonight I will head to bed with my "to do" lists running in my head. You know, anticipation is almost as good as the event itself.

"Her children arise and call her blessed" Proverbs 31:28

Just Connie

Sunday Thoughts

I have been on the run all week. I have had meetings and appointments, commitments and .... well the list just goes on and on. I find that tonight I am tired. I did not get much done around the house but I was on the go the whole weekend. I am only just now back home and trying to get things laid out for another week.

Now I am sitting in the chair and reflecting back over the day with a vague feeling of discouragement hovering around me. I really do not like this transitional time that I am in. It has gone on much longer than I thought it would. I do not seem to be moving ahead at all.

I am telling myself that this feeling of discouragement stems from being tired at the end of a very long week. That is probably true, but emotionally it is not what I am feeling. I am feeling alone, uncared for and rather useless to be honest.

Once again this is where faith must come to the forefront. Faith is what will give me strength to get out of bed tomorrow and do my best. Faith is what gives me knowledge that God loves me, regardless of my fluctuating emotions. Faith is what gives me the courage to live and love as God calls me to. I guess faith is not so much about what I "feel" as what I live.

"We live by faith, not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7

Just Connie

Looking at the Sky

This morning I stood in the light and looked at the sky. It was cold and frozen when I woke this morning, but the sun came up and thawed the world out. It was gorgeous. The air was warm and smelled good. In fact it smelled like spring. People were mowing their lawns and washing cars. The daffodils are blooming and the Lily of the Valley is budding. It lifted my heart as I stood there and breathed it all in.

Tonight I stood in the dark and looked with amazement at the sky. It was filled with a myriad of diamonds in a sea of black. I could not believe how clear it was. I could not believe how many stars were twinkling at me. I twirled around and around as I searched for my favorite constellations. it lifted my heart as I looked with joy at the beauty above me.

It reminds me that it is important to take the time to look at the sky. It is so easy to get busy, or just focused on life and to not take a few moments to look up. yet those few moments made an incredible difference to me.

"Praise him, sun and moon, praise him all you shining stars." Psalm 148:3

I think I will go outside and look at the sky and tell God that he does good work.

Just Connie

Ladies Dinner

I invited any of the women from the church who wanted to come, to join me for dinner tonight at a local restaurant. We had 8 of us come for this first dinner. We laughed and talked and laughed some more. It was so much fun! We will do it again next month.

I got to thinking how rare it is for women to get together without an agenda. When we gather we are usually busy doing something. Tonight there was no meeting, no special activity, just conversation and the chance to really get to know each other. It is so important for us to connect with each other in meaningful ways. We need each other and so often we do not have the support we need, because we do not have the chance to develop deep trusting relationships with other women.

I think tonight was a good start for us. I think that God will knit our hearts together as we get to know each other. There are good things ahead as we open our hearts and lives to each other.

"Glory in His holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice." Psalm 105:3

Just Connie

Long Day, Good Day

I spent the day with my friend's Mary & Clair celebrating Mary's birthday. I am really glad that I decided to break out of my routine and do so. I think it was what I needed to help shake off the "funk" I had been in. We left Willamina about 8:30 this morning and headed all the way to Portland.

In Portland, we spent the day puttering around the Sellwood Antique District. It was relaxing and we saw some really interesting things. Mary bought me a wonderful old cigar mold which I am planning on using for a shelf in my family room. It is really interesting and I love it. I also found a vintage kitchen scale in immaculate condition which I bought because I love it, but I also really needed it.

We spent the day laughing and just enjoying each other. We met some of their family in Newberg and enjoyed a family dinner and then stopped in McMinnville to get coffee and take a run through the Goodwill store.

So here it is, the end of a long day, but a good day. I am glad to be home tonight, but I am so glad for the day with friends. It lifted my spirits and reminded me that there are people who love me. Laughter is good, but I think that friends are even better.

"Our mouths were filled with laughter and our tongues with songs of joy" Psalm 126:2

Just Connie

Waiting for the Light

Blue Tuesday seems to have spilled over into Wednesday. I have been sad and tense all day. I am probably paying the piper for not dealing with this yesterday. I was really expecting to pop out of bed this morning feeling better. But it didn't happen that way.

I woke up this morning with a feeling of sadness that covered me like a damp blanket. I just could not seem to crawl out from underneath it. I went to the office, I got work done, had a staff meeting and yet the sadness was there. All I wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed and cry. But there were things to do and commitments that needed to be met.

So here I sit tonight, my head hurts, I am tearful and I am filled with sadness. I am sad for the choices my husband made. I am sad for the horrific things that happened to me before he left. I am sad that I am facing life alone. I am sad at where my life is right now. I am so filled with sadness that I feel as if there will never be anything but this wrenching grief and loss.

I guess that this is where faith really counts. I believe that God loves me. I believe that He has a plan for me. I believe that he has not abandoned me. Even though my emotions scream unloved, unwanted ... worthless. Faith believes in the light even when standing in the darkness.

So tonight I stand in the dark and wait for the light. Faith gives me hope.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord you God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

Just Connie

Blue Tuesday

I am feeling a bit "blue" today. I have been fighting it all day, But I haven't been able to shake it. I also haven't really been willing to look at it too closely. I have been wading through some very deep waters with my counselor. She is making me look at some issues that are so incredibly painful. I know that emotionally there is fall out from that. Days like today are to be expected as a natural result of processing the hurt and trauma. But I find that today, I do not want to hurt. I do not want to be sad and I do not want to cry. I know that if I examine these feelings too closely, it is going to hurt.

I know that my counselor would say that the emotions need to come out, but I am soooo tired of hurting. I am not sure that have it in me tonight to do it. But I will consider it .... while I am trying to ignore it.

"My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God" Job 16:20

Just Connie

Transitions

I do not think I like transitions very much. I have been in a time of transition for the past year. I have found this time to be uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful. It is rather like wearing my shoes on the wrong feet. Nothing seems to fit quite right. And my feet always seem to be pointing in the wrong direction.

I keep waiting for the moment that I will wake up and realize that the transition is over and life has fallen back into understandable patterns and routines once again. But that moment has not yet arrived and here I am still transitioning.

So as I stand here with my shoes on the wrong feet, what do I do? How do I walk through this time of transition without doing permanent damage to myself? I think there are some things I need that will help me emerge on the other side.

• I need the right focus. I need to focus on Christ and what he is calling me to do.
• I need love. God's love, my families love and my friend's love.
• I need ministry. To serve, to teach and to preach.
• I need laughter. To laugh at life, my pets and even myself.

These things will help me through the transition. The day will come when my shoes will be on the right feet and I can walk the path ahead without pain.

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and heart may fail but god is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25-26

Just Connie