Last Night

I came home last night, sat heavily in the chair and stared at the wall. In all honesty I felt like I had been run over by a truck. I guess in a way I had. It was a semi truck of emotion and memories that I really did not want to face.

I have been seeing a counselor. I believe that good counsel can help us heal and discover things about ourselves that God can grow and change if needed. I know that I need to face why I stayed in a relationship that was so damaging to me for so long. To do that I have to face the damage that was done to me. Physically and emotionally .... I need to call it what it what it is. I have not wanted to do that because .... well for all kinds of reasons.

Last night, my very wise counselor, stretched me. She led me to feel the feelings I had buried as I had worked desperately to find a way to help my husband. The feelings that I denied, pushed aside and refused for so long. She pushed me by putting ugly names on some of the things that happened to me, names I did not want to be true, but words that really are true .... ugly but true.

So last night I sat in the chair and I cried. I cried for all that I had lost, for all that I had experienced. I cried for the pain, the ugliness for the sheer waste of what God had intended for us as a couple. I cried.

This morning I woke to a new understanding that these emotions will not destroy me. These feelings and the experiences that generate them, God will use in miraculous ways. He will touch the ugliness and build something strong and beautiful. What Satan meant to use for destruction and hurt, God will use to strengthen and beautify.

"May my cry come before you, O Lord; give me understanding" 119:169

Just Connie