Forgiving God

I preached on forgiveness again this morning. I am in the midst of a series. Last week I preached on God forgiving us, today I preached on us forgiving God. We like to think that as Christians we never get mad at God, that we never question the circumstances of our lives. But the reality is that we do. When the hard painful times come we often say why?

I felt nudged as I was preaching today to share a very painful story from my own life. A time when my broken heart was saying, "Why?" My eyes teared up as I shared what I experienced. My pain, my grief and my sense of abandonment and how God reminded me that He was there. I remember being flooded with that sense that God was still God, regardless of how it had felt. God was there.

It is a hard thing to be that vulnerable when you are preaching, but an amazing thing happened when I did. People related to my experience and it connected with them in a very real way. God did wonderful things this morning in those moments of intimacy and openness. It was a reminder to me that so much of preaching is in obedience.

Obedience is better than sacrifice .... than why of why do we find it so very hard?

Just Connie

Saturday Night Thoughts

It has been a week .... a long, busy and often difficult week. It was full of crisises, problems and opportunities. Today I actually slept in. I spent the day watching old movies, doing housework, reading .... watching the rain and just resting. It was quiet and peaceful.

Tonight I headed to the church for prayer and worship. A group of us meets every Saturday night and we pray through the entire church. Then we gather the instruments and we worship. We have the keyboard, the guitars, the drums, a saxophone and a flute. Usually I enjoy sitting and singing but tonight I drug out my guitar and joined the musicians. It was so much fun and it brought back so many memories of playing for church. My guitar used to go everywhere with me and over the past years i have not played very much. it feels good to be playing again.

I left the church tonight rested and refreshed with my heart singing praise and gratitude. Today was exactly what I needed. Rest for my tired body and mind and refreshment for my wounded spirit.

And that .... is a wonderful way to end the week.

Just Connie

Ladies Night

I went to a play tonight. I do not often go to events like that because I do not enjoy going by myself. I think there must be a trick to it, kind of like eating by yourself in a restaurant. Since I have never learned the trick, I usually just do not go. But tonight a group of ladies all went together.

The play was delightful. Wonderful music, entertaining and just thoroughly enjoyable. But even more than the play I enjoyed my time with the other ladies. We went out for late night food and sat there and talked for over an hour. It was good to laugh and to just be with them.

I think I need to try to schedule in more evenings like this. When I am involved in a wide variety of activities it changes me. It broadens my viewpoint and my understanding. It challenges me to stretch and grow and be more than I am when when I am left to myself.

So once again I am reminded that I need to be active and I need other people. I am beginning to see a recurring theme.

I hope that I am paying attention.

Just Connie

The Reality of Ministry

This has been a challenging week. In pastoral speak I would say it has been a week of opportunities. That means it was full of heartache, problems and the chance to minister in very real ways. I have to say that the reality of ministry is often very messy.

It means sitting in court rooms and awaiting verdicts. It means giving parents news they do not want to hear. It means hugging a chain smoking, heart broken woman and not recoiling as the smoke wreaths around you. It means tackling tough issues and telling the truth in love. It means weeping with the grieving and answering the phone when you do not have time to talk. It is studying and writing while dealing with constant interruptions. It means unexpected hurt and unanticipated moments of joy.

There are weeks like this when the reality of ministry spills out of the nice neat boxes I make for it. And yet in those unanticipated and unexpected messes I find the reality of Christ in fresh new ways. I am reminded that it is not all about me. It is about Christ in me .... and that is enough for whatever I face.

Just Connie

Financial Frustrations

I just spent several hours digging through a mess of old financial records. Nothing adds up and nothing makes sense. I would gladly light a match to the whole stack of papers. But unfortunately I need to find some answers.

It is not the first time I have attacked these papers, and I have to admit I only get so far and then my frustration gets the upper hand and I pitch all the papers back in the file for another day. Tonight we were able to dig out one helpful piece of information. That piece of information at least pointed us towards the next frustrating questions to ask.

So there is more digging to do and probably more frustrating hours ahead. I  guess this is probably good for me .... what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger? 

No... it doesn't kill you ... it just makes you wish it had.

Just Connie

Crisis Day 2

A second day consumed by crisis ..... I spent all afternoon in court with one family and then rushed from there to the Intensive Care Unit at the hospital to be with another family. From there I made three stops int he community to touch bases and fix problems. Since I got back I  have spent the evening on the phone trying to put out fires.

I just have one thing to say ....... SIGH! To be honest these are the kind of days that kill a pastor's joy and drive. Lots of problems and no easy answers or fixes for any of them. I think that it is time for me to curl up with my puppies and let the warmth of their love lighten the load.

Now that ... is the best idea I have had all day.

Just Connie

Great Expectations

This has been a day of crisis. It was a steady stream of phone calls and problems, illnesses, court problems, financial needs and even custody battles. And all of it on a Monday, my sermon and study day. For some reason crisis never seems to respect my personal calendar and plans.

These are the days that I just try to keep my head above water and ride the wave. One task at a time, one step at a time fully expecting that things will begin to fall into place by the end of the week.

Great expectations .... I guess that we should all have them ... right? Hopefully this expectation will be based on reality.

I guess time will tell.

Just Connie

Rejection

Being a pastor is seldom a popularity contest. I would like it to be because frankly rejection is a huge issue for me. And in the pastorate there is a fair amount of rejection. Both very real rejection and what "feels" like rejection.

Today I confronted both kinds of rejection. First thing this morning a very sweet lady  that I consider a friend came and told me she is looking for a new church. She wanted "less music and more preaching". That was the start of my morning and it quickly got worse from there when someone who disagreed with an administrative decision I made, walked out of the service just before the sermon.

Though I keep telling myself that it was not a personal rejection of me ... it sure feels like it. This feels all too personal .... and all too familiar. It hurts and floods me with the hurt of past rejections. A tender unhealed spot that brings quick tears and discouragement.

So I am feeling the feelings... that I feel. I think that is the starting point to decide what comes next. I wish that what I am feeling just did not hurt so much. But the one thing I do know is that Christ is sufficient for this and there is joy on the other side.

Just Connie

Ford Family Foundation Leadership Training

I just finished 4 months of classes with the Ford Family Foundation. They have been teaching  a group of community leaders to "lead". They have done personality tests, evaluations and taught us everything from conflict management to fundraising.

I have sometimes felt frustrated as we have gone through the process. I often felt herded and rushed through the process. and sometimes they were teaching skills that were very familiar to me and teaching it differently than I would. I would love to say that was no problem, but in all honesty it sometimes was. I felt the tension that it caused in me.

But we got through it and now the hard part begins. Our class project is to put benches in the community. We want benches that are made locally and incorporate artistic elements. It is a great project and will be a wonderful addition to our three communities. But there is hard work ahead.

Now is when we can show that we can utilize the skills they have been teaching us. I think we can ... I think we can ... I think we can.

Just Connie

I Need You

Sometimes I feel like my life is meetings. I recently told someone who told me that "you are in way too many meetings" that if it wasn't for meetings I would have no social life. Though I said it to be funny, there is a lot of truth to that statement. I live alone, I work alone for major portions of the day, I eat alone, I shop alone and if anyone was wondering ... I sleep alone.

I have found that at this time of my life I have to be pretty intentional to be with people. I go to meetings early and often stay late so I can talk with people. I chat on line, I write letters and I spend time on Facebook. All of those things help me to connect with other people. Because I have found that it is very easy to not connect. In fact it is all together too easy for me to let day after day slip away without inviting someone over, to not go and see the neighbors and to just curl up with the dogs and the bunny. And I know that is not good for me. I need other people. I need the stimulation, the love and the accountability that comes with being with people.

So this is a reminder to me .... that I need you. I am so thankful for all of you who take the time to read my thoughts and to let me share my life with you. Your support, your lives and your comments mean so much to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Just Connie

Lawn Chores

I finally got my lawn mowed today. I was having trouble coordinating the time to do it at the same time that the weather was cooperating. Today dawned bright and clear and warm. I came home a little early and began the very long and hard process of mowing. The grass was really long. Mid calf in the back and still pretty wet. I would mow and unclog the mower and mow a little more and then unclog the mower.Then I would stop and pant and moan and then begin all over again.

But now it is done, and I have a few more days before I will need to do it again. I sat on the stairs with the garden hose and laughed at Hope Puppy as she chased the water around the yard. She loves the hose almost as much as she loves her ball. I just wish I could teach her to mow the yard. I would gladly get rid of this chore. I do not think I will ever enjoy doing it.

But it is done for now and for tonight that is enough.

Just Connie

Wedensday Night Thoughts

We are running a series of "affinity groups" at the church. These are groups of people who have a joint interest in something. Right now we are running a quilting class. We are beginning with a small piecing project with pillowcases. Tonight we met at the fabric store across the street from the church and bought our fabric and supplies.

It was a lot of fun to browse with a group of women and poke through all the sewing supplies. It dawned on me as we were looking that I am usually doing this on my own. That I found it fun but a little odd to be doing it as part of a group.

I think I really need to continue to work on building relationships with other women. I spend too much time alone. Sometimes it is such a scary process. I have to admit that the fear of rejection is a ghostly presence hovering over me. My past and experience have taught me that rejection is not just possible ... but likely.

But yet I refuse to be defined by my past. I am choosing to step out in faith and just be who I am ... the way that God created me to be.

How could anyone not like that?

Just Connie

Spring Time Bunny

Bubba Bunny is an entertaining housemate. Over the years he has kept me laughing as he has ruled his kingdom with an iron paw. When he hit puberty he decided that it would be a good idea to have baby bunnies with the dog. The dog was NOT in favor of the idea. A trip to the vet fixed that problem and we settled into "life as normal".

Bubba's "life as normal" is that no one can mess with his kingdom. His kingdom is everything he can see ... especially the family room. Last summer I got in big trouble when I remodeled the entire room including ripping out the hearth that was "his special place". He has never approved of the wood floors and he has spent  most of his time grumping behind the pellet stove since the remodel.

I knew Spring had arrived at my house when I got up yesterday and found that Bubba Bunny had migrated to the other end of the house. He was tearing around the front room, doing little flippy dos while the dog watched in bemusement. He was having the time of his life on the carpeted floor. Back and forth and back and forth he would leap and run. I stood there and laughed at him as he tore around and thoroughly enjoyed himself. When I left he had curled up with the sheepdog and they were both sleeping. He was a happy little bunny.

I think it was good to have a reminder of spring, since it has not been very evident in the weather. Perhaps I should do a little spring time leaping for joy as well. It would probably be pretty good for me and the neighbors couldn't think I am any crazier than they all ready do.

But I think I will skip the flippy dos.

Just Connie

Spring Time Break

It is a surprisingly beautiful evening. We do not get many of these in the coast range during the spring. The sun is shining and there is a gentle breeze stirring the new leaves. It was gray and cold when I left the house so I was not expecting to come home to this. I even drove home with my windows down and just breathed in the spring air. Flowers, new mown grass .... really good smells.

There is something about this weather that really lightens my heart. Regardless of how difficult the day this has been this breathes peace to my heart. So I am going to spend the evening curled up on the couch with the door open, listening to the mourning doves coo and watch birds in the feeder.

I am so thankful to have the time tonight to just be here ...... yes ... here is a good place to be.

Just Connie

Masks

Masks .... they are the things we wear so people will not see us as we really are. We put them on so we will be the people we think we should be or the people someone else thinks we should be. I have to say that churches are often full of masks. And so often we do not have the time or the structure or the trust to take our masks off and be who we are.

I just spent the last three days taking masks off. It was challenging, wearing but very liberating. I saw women connecting with each in a very deep and meaningful way. As I watched some of them crying together today I was blessed to see how they cared for each other. I was even more blessed by the trust I saw.

I have to wonder what would happen in our churches if we were brave enough to take those masks off. To be who we are ... the good, the bad and the ugly. I think it would transform our churches, I think it would transform our lives. It is hard to see Christ behind the mask. I think I need to work on taking the mask off. I think that for the church to transform that it has to start with me.

This is me .... as I am. I am a work in progress and that is an okay thing to be.

Just Connie

One Step in the Right Direction

I remember back when I was new to the Nazarene Church. I went to a pastor's conference and did not know anyone. People were kind when I spoke to them but I was really on the fringes of activity.  I remember eating alone and watching the tables full of laughing talking pastors. I felt so left out of the fellowship that seemed to be going on all around me. I remember I drove from the restaurant to my friends house where I poured out my fear and confusion. Fear that I would never fit in and never be accepted. My friend held me while I cried and then hugged me and sent me back. And over the next months I made deep friendships.

These last couple of years I have found myself back in that same place. Feeling those old familiar feelings of not fitting in ... of being left out ... the feelings that come from trying to fit into a new position with new people. It has slowly been getting better. With every Conference, every pastors meetings ... I am getting to know my fellow pastors. Today I met with the local pastors from many different denominations for lunch and fellowship. I really enjoyed my time with them and it dawned on me as I was driving back to the church that I have toughed it out through the hard part.

And it is so worth it. To be accepted, to be valued is a wonderful feeling. There is so much that I can gain from my relationships with them. And I think there are things that I can bring to the table as well.

It reminds me that there are good things ahead if I will just work for it. I need to keep taking one step at a time in the right direction. It is so easy to try to short cut it, avoid it or to give up when it hurts. So I am choosing today to take one more step in the right direction.

Just Connie

Yucky

Well I know why I had a headache yesterday ... I am getting a cold. I am in that yucky starting phase. My head hurts, I am achy, exhausted and my throat hurts. I have been working on ignoring it, bt I have given up.I finally raised a white flag and drove to the store and bought some NyQuil.

So in a few minutes I will take the meds and go lay down in bed with a good book. I need to kick this quickly.  I have ladies retreat this weekend and no time to be sick. I am a workshop leader and am bringing 9 ladies from my local church. So it will be a busy weekend.

Sigh .... I would like to bypass this and wake up feeling great tomorrow. ...... Yep now that is a plan.

Just Connie

Head Ache

My head hurts. All day I have been struggling with a headache.But I worked, I went to the gym, I made dinner and then I laid down on the couch ... and slept. Now I am trying to determine if aspirin will help or only upset my stomach.

I think I am going to call it a day even though it is still early. I am thinking that it might be a good evening to curl up with a good book. It seems rather wasteful ... but it is obvious I am not going to stir myself to go and mow the lawn like I should be.

Perhaps I should think of this as a strategic retreat. Why is it that I feel I must give myself permission to be unproductive? I would give that some more thought, but frankly my head hurts. So instead I will go and take a shower, find my book and settle the dogs for the night.

Yes ... a retreat sounds good.

Just Connie

My Mother

This is a picture of my mother. I want you to pay special attention to the "look" that she is giving me. I was such an angelic child ... I cannot imagine what would cause her to look at me like that..... well perhaps I can imagine it.

I was not an easy child. I was active, I was inquisitive and I was loud. I screamed, I sang and I talked ... all at the loudest decibel that I could. As a toddler my mother was put into the hospital. My paternal grandmother kept cute little me .. for a day and a half. Then she deposited me on my maternal grandmother's doorstep and said, "Here you take her!"

It was not until I was a mother myself that I began to understand that I was not an easy child to raise. I did not understand back then because my mother never told me I was a horrid child, she never made feel anything but loved and accepted. She allowed me to be who I was. She encouraged me to use my intellect, to love lavishly and to follow my dreams.

My mother has helped to shape me into the person I am today. She held me when my heart was broken, kicked me in the backside when I needed it and always, always loved me. I am so very grateful for this amazing woman. Today I was to say thank you. Thank you for loving me when I was unlovable, thank you for challenging me, thank you for being the incredibly wonderful woman you are. I love you.

Just Connie

Mother's Day

Mother's Day has a tendency to make me sad. I usually do not get to see my children and there have been some years that I have not heard from them either. Since I am several hours away and Mother's Day is always on a Sunday, I usually do not get to see my mother either. This year mom and dad have been out of town so I did not even get to go and see them the day before as I often do.

I think what makes me sad, is that I feel out of sync with what I always thought my life would be. I thought I would have a husband and that my children would swarm home to be with me on the holidays. Instead I find myself alone and my children far away.

My reality did not live up to my expectations. Most of the time I am content with what God is building in the here and now. But as I approach Mother's Day I find there is a sadness lurking in the quiet moments. I am working hard to ignore it and push it away. But it is there.

So I am choosing to admit that it is there, but I refuse to camp there. My life is what it is. There is good and bad and everything in between. God has not abandoned me and he knows the hurt of my heart.  He also knows what I really need. Can I trust him enough to trust him with my aloneness?

I think I can....

Just Connie

Body Cooperation

My body does not always cooperate with my plans for the day. I woke up tired, headachy and achy this morning. I was planning house and yard work, but I knew that was probably out of my reach today. One of the side effects of liver disease is that you really have to watch that you are not pushing yourself too hard. I think I have been pushing a  little too hard. Too many 12-14 hour days and not enough rest and restoration time.

Last week when I was asked how my Ministerial Appointments Board could pray for me, I requested that they would pray that I would have balance in my life. Ministry, rest, and recreation all in perfect balance in Christ. This morning reminded me that I am not doing a very good job at this point right now.

So I have spent the day napping, taking aspirin and resting. Tomorrow I will jump back in with both feet. With any luck my body will cooperate a little better tomorrow.

Just Connie

Mentor Thoughts

I met with my mentor today. This is a fairly new relationship. I have never had a mentor before. I have often had people I learned a great deal from but I've never been in a formal mentor relationship. This has been rich and challenging so far.

My mentor is a fairly well known author, pastor and church planter. My boss the Conference Superintendent recommended me to him. I have enjoyed getting to know him, but even more I have enjoyed hearing him think. As we met today, I was struck anew at how fortunate I am for this experience. He is stretching me. That is not always comfortable ... but it is soooo important.

I have found over the years that the older an established congregation is, the more likely it is that we will get so caught up in "doing church" that we forget to "be the church". I do not want to play church, I want to be the hands and feet of Christ in a hurting and dark world. I want my church to make a difference, I want to make a difference.

So I will keep getting challenged and stretched and look at how to connect with my community. This is a good thing.

Just Connie

Quietly Serving

I just got home. The city had an appreciation dinner tonight for our teachers. All of the city leaders and businesses got together and had a fabulous steak dinner. Many of we community leaders came together to serve and say thank you to all our teachers. I took photos and bused tables.

The teachers seemed to be very pleased and surprised by what we did. I am so glad that we took the time to do this. I am really proud of our community. This was a wonderful affirmation for all they are doing to strengthen our children and our community.

It has got me to thinking of how many other unsung heroes are in our communities. People who are quietly doing their jobs and making all of our lives better because of their service. I think it would be good for me to take a look around me and take the time to say thank you to all those who serve.

I wonder ... who I will see? This could be a lot of fun .....

Just Connie

Spring Evening

It is a beautiful evening. The sun is setting and there is a nip in the air. The dogs are playing in the yard, the birds are singing and there is the smell of freshly cut grass in the air. It has been such a cold wet spring and today has been a small respite from the unrelenting rain.

I find that this break in the weather has lifted my spirits. There is something about the blossoms blowing in colored swirls that always makes me smile. So tonight I will breathe deep and let the peace of a gorgeous spring evening wash through me.

And peace is welcome here,

Just Connie

Osama Thoughts

For the last 24 hours I have watched my friends and fellow Americans react to Osama bin Laden's death. I find that tonight I am troubled as I reflect on what I have seen.

First of all, I think that Bin Laden needed to be "sanctioned" for the safety of America and as a statement of our stance on Terrorism. However, I am distressed that we are celebrating his death. It brings back the memories of the Arab world celebrating when the towers fell. I was shocked then at their callow disregard of the horrendous loss of life. I am shocked now that Americans can callously celebrate anothers death.

As I thought about it today  I have thought back to the times when I had to spank my children. I did it because I had to, but I never said, "Whoo hoo! I just spanked my child". There was no glee in the punishment, it always hurt me. But yet here we are celebrating the fact that discipline was administered ... and that makes me sad.

I am sad that an evil man caused the deaths of so many innocent people, I am sad for how that changed our country. I am further saddened by how far we are from having the heart of God. Because I know that God is saddened by this, saddened by sin and saddened by our hardened hearts.

I guess when it comes down to it, it reminds me to check my heart and to pray, pray, pray. Because I think the only answer for us, for our country ..... for me is more of God.

Just Connie

Confidence - 1 John 5:12-15

1 John 5:12-15

14 Whoever has the Son has life; whoever does not have the Son of God does not have life.


13 I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life. 14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 15 And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.




Most of us have struggled with a lack of confidence at some point. Whether it is walking into a room of strangers or our skill levels lack of confidence strikes all of us. In this passage John talks about two very specific types of confidence.
1.      Confidence in our salvation
              Confidence in relationship with God
              Confidence in our relationships with others
              Confidence in forgiveness
              Confidence in strength/wisdom
              Confidence in eternity

2.     Confidence in prayer
             He wants us to come to Him
             Ask according to His will
            He hears us
           He gives us what we ask

We can stand confident in Christ. It is part of our DNA as Christians. It is time to live in the strength and power of that godly confidence. Let it transform us and because of that it will transform our prayer life.

Just Connie