Unmerited

It had been a nice productive day at the office. My sermon was done, closing song chosen, all the info sent to the sound guys, the secretary, the worship leader and my web guy. I had finished the minutes for the EID and the Chamber of Commerce and even run off the copies for the upcoming meetings. It was with a great sense of satisfaction that I changed my clothes for my Monday afternoon walk around the pond.

I locked my computer and backpack into my car, unsnapped my massive ring of keys, selected the small ring that had my car keys on it and thrust it in my pocket. Then joining my walking groupwe headed over to the pond. As we took a couple of laps around the pond, the weather began to worsen and it was soon alternating between rain, mist and gusts of wind.

As we hurried back to the church I pulled my sweater tight around my neck and tried to head off the worst of the chill weather. As we approached the church I pulled my keys out of my pocket. That is when I realized ....... I had slipped off the wrong set of keys. With horror I gazed in the car window and there sure enough ... there was my car keys.

As I pressed my nose against the window I remembered with a sinking heart that was my only car key. With embarrassment I confessed to my walking partners that I was locked out of my car. Taking pity on me one of them called her husband. For the next two hours I stood in the rain and watched him as he tried to get my car unlocked. He tried picking the locks, he tried slipping something in to trip the lock all to no avail. It remained firmly locked.

Finally giving up, I called a tow company to come and unlock my car for me. As I waited I found myself castigating myself for doing something so incredibly .... well stupid. And realizing that this was going to be a $50 mistake was not helping me. Stupid ... stupid ... stupid was beating in time with the rain.

But  in time the tow truck got there and within minutes he had unlocked the car for me. As I was getting my wallet out of the car to pay the tow truck driver, God gave me an unexpected blessing. The husband who had been waiting in the rain with me and trying valiantly to unlock my car, used his AAA card.

As I shivered my wet way home, I reflected how very like God that unexpected blessing was. It was completely undeserved. I deserved to pay the price of my misdeed but yet He provided a way out. He also provided friends to stand alongside me and offer help and support. I am not sure that I deserved that either.

But I have to say that I like it .... and I appreciate it. Thank you Lord for friends and unexpected, unmerited blessings.

Just Connie

Saturday Afternoon Thoughts

After days of rain ... the sun is just beginning to come out from behind the heavy gray clouds. The break in the weather has brought the birds out of hiding. I have a flock of Mourning Doves feeding beneath the tree. The House Finches are crowding the feeders until the Stellar Jays show up and every once in a while a Golden Crowned Sparrow flits by looking to get a tid bit.

I am enjoying just sitting back and enjoying the show. There is something about watching the birds that brings a smile to my face. I am thinking this is a pretty good way to spend a lazy Saturday afternoon.

So I think I will ignore the call of housework and yard work and enjoy these rare quiet moments. I rather think they are a gift to not be squandered lightly.

At least that is the plan .....

Just Connie

Counseling

Pastors do all kinds of things, it is the nature of the job. One day I might be studying and writing, the next I might be on a roof and still the next leading a community meeting. One of things I find myself doing often is counseling with people who are going through crisis or problems.

This past week I have found myself in quite a few sessions. Some of them scheduled and some of them impromptu. I find these moments with others a wonderful opportunity to connect in ways that we would not normally have the chance to do. I get glimpses of their real lives and the challenges that they face.

I am grateful for these moments. They keep me connected with the people around me and gets me out of the ivory tower that can sometimes develop around the pastor. Because I do not want the busyness of my job to keep me from fulfilling the call ... "Feed my sheep". The amazing things is that when I do .... I am fed as well.

Just Connie

Stepping in the Right Direction

By nature and nurture I am a fairly happy and optimistic person. When I find myself in other than that state it is always surprising to me. That does not mean that I do not get sad because I do. Loss and grief touches all of our lives, mine included. But it means there are those time when I feel the weight of something other than an appropriate sadness.

The last few weeks I have been struggling with a lingering heaviness of heart. That is unusual enough that I know I need to pay attention and begin to sort this out.

Some of it I have come to realize has centered around the issue with my car. It is such an overwhelming topic for me that I find tears are often the result as I have waded through the problem of how to get my car fixed. I have finally found a solution and I will be taking the car into the shop at the end of the week for the first of several repairs. That will be a huge weight off my shoulders.

Another thing that has contributed is that I need a vacation. I have only taken a week and a half in the last three years and I need to take several weeks before July rolls around. So I have actually scheduled vacation for the 4th week of May. I am looking forward to some rest and reading and time with my parents. I know that this is a step in the right direction as well. I am hoping to take two consecutive weeks in June as well.

I have also realized that my daughter's upcoming wedding has stirred some issues and hurts up in me. It is not "wrong" or "bad" it just is what it is. I think I will just need to feel the feelings and walk through this. I do not want anything to mar the day for my daughter and her husband. I am very happy for them and I want this to be a wonderful day for them.

I also realize that there are some peripheral issues floating around too. The issue of the stacks of boxes in my living room that have to be gone through. The issue of learning to live with my son and his dog for a while. I love having them, but it is stressful to learn new living patterns that will be okay for both of us.

So I will try to keep chipping away at this. I will choose to keep trying to make positive choices that will help lift the pressure. The interesting thing I am finding that the process of identifying the stressors is almost as painful as the process itself.

But it is still a step in the right direction.

Just Connie

Three Unwelcome Visitors

I had some unexpected visitors last night. Some very unwelcome visitors in fact. It began as I started to step into the front room. There in the doorway was a mouse ... just sitting there waving his tail and looking at me. My immediate response was somewhere between a squeak and scream as I jumped back about 5 feet. I grabbed a mixing bowl off the counter and ran after him and taking a deep breath and forcing myself to step nearer I threw the bowl over him. Then I grabbed a nearby potted plant and stacked it on top of the bowl and jumped back before the mouse could explode up out of the bowl, and go for my throat.

With my heart pounding I walked into the kitchen trying to calm myself with something good to eat. As I turned around a mouse ran across the floor in front of me. Screaming I grabbed the dog's water bowl, poured the water out on the floor and dropped the bowl over the Mouse #2. As I tried to control my racing heart, I stacked a set of bowls on top to make sure that he would not get out and attack me when I was not looking.

Abandoning any thoughts of food or in fact of ever using the kitchen again, I decided to head to the family room to watch TV and take my mind off the mice under the bowls in the other end of the house. As I was about to step into the family room I saw the mouse ... right there on the area rug under my foot. Throwing myself backwards I stumbled back searching for something to throw over it. Grabbing the large porcelain bowl my kitchen towels were artfully displayed in, I dumped them out and shakily ran after mouse #3 and dropped the bowl over him.

As I stacked heavy objects on top of the bowl I looked around. There was a flood of water in the kitchen, a trail of crumpled towels interspersed with bowls of mice. For a moment I tried to talk myself into finding a way to dispose of the mice. But somehow I could not force myself to actually touch those bowls. Instead I wiped the water up while avoiding the bowl and the mouse and gave up and went to bed.

The problem with that plan became apparent when I woke up this morning. I now had three bowls with mice trapped under them scattered through the house. No matter how sternly I talked to myself I could not force myself to touch those bowls. 

With the feeling of being between a rock and a hard place I grabbed my computer and asked my facebook friends for suggestions. The suggestions poured in ... most of them not very helpful .... entertaining but not very helpful. They ranged from buying a cat to using my gun. But out of that plethora of suggestions was one brave woman who actually came over and disposed of all three mice. And managed to do it without laughing hysterically at me.

I personally think she deserves a medal. Especially for not laughing hysterically as she saw me vault over the bowl to try to let her in the door.

Now I just have to track down the rest of this invasion army ...

Just Connie (the photo is courtesy of my "friend" Ray)

Birthday Musings

Today is my birthday. I have to admit that since I have been on my own, I have had a tendency to try to ignore my birthday .... it just ends up being kind of sad and lonely. But this year has been so different. For one thing I made the choice to get out and be with people. I of course did not tell anyone it was my birthday, but I thought it would be very good to be with friends and the community.

So I started the day by having breakfast with the ladies from the church. That not only was fun but I was surprised with dish of blackberry ice cream with a candle after breakfast. With birthday wishes from everyone. What better way to start the day than with ice cream?

From there I joined other members of the Chamber of Commerce for our annual Bark Dust sale. I was greeted by one friend who told me, "I  knew it was your birthday because you look so much older today". After I chased him around the table I was surprised by a beautiful cake and a chorus of Happy Birthday by my fellow Chamber volunteers and the Garden Club who was setting up in a booth next to us. It was joyful and happy as we laughed and teased each other.

So most of the day today I sold bark dust, served birthday cake and received well wishes from friends and total strangers as they all celebrated my birthday with me.

It made this a really wonderful day. It was full of friends and laughter. Tonight, I am left with a feeling of being loved that is a wonderful way to end my day. I kind of think that is the very best kind of birthday to have.

Just Connie

Phil Thoughts

I spent the morning with my boyfriend. He is a tall good looking red head with big brown eyes. I really enjoyed my time with him today. I found myself just resting my head against his flank and breathing in his horsey scent and letting peace sweep through me.

It makes me wonder why I let the urgent stuff of everyday life crowd out the necessary things that brings such peace and joy into my life? Things like spending time with Phil. I think I need to remember that this is necessary, hiking is necessary, being out in God's creation ... the things that restore my inner balance and remind me of my place in the universe are as necessary as breathing.

Yes .... I need these moments ....

Just Connie

Ministry Day

Ministry is a mixed bag. It is one of the things I love about it. Every day is unique to itself. One day I might be visiting at the hospital and the next studying theological truths and yet the next be involved in a community meeting. Today was one of those kind of days.

It began bright and early with the Chamber of Commerce meeting where I am Board Secretary and take notes. I always enjoy that time and really enjoy getting to know other people from the community. Over the two years I have been here I am growing good friends in this group.

Following that meeting I ran to the office and cleared off my desk, got caught up on email and prepared for my 10:00 meeting with my ministerial student. he is a great guy and I know that God is going to do wonderful things through his ministry. I really feel privileged to be part of his journey to ministry.

As I finished up that meeting my lunch date called and to remind me to head to the restaurant. For the next hour I laughed and chatted and enjoyed three incredible ladies of God. That special time energizes me and I look forward to it.

From there I headed back to the office and began to work on my weekly newspaper column. As I worked I fielded phone calls and visitors and threw the ball for Hope Puppy who could only nap under my desk for so long before she needed to run.

About 1:00 the Willamina Fire Chief dropped by with checks for me to sign. By the time I had finished up it was time to head to the school to volunteer for an hour. By 3:00 I was back at the church finishing up my column. After e-mailing everything to the newspaper I photo copied a stack of information for tomorrow's meeting while answering my e-mail and messages.

About 4:30 I began to pack up the car, stopped to confer with my Treasurer, get stove pellets at the Hardware Store and finally headed back home after only a 9 hour day.

My day was varied and busy, full of laughter, tears and everything in between. I had the opportunity to be creative, to counsel, to pray and to reflect. I feel like today I made a difference. In fact today was a good example of the reality of ministry.

All in all ... a very good day.

Just Connie

College Scholarships

I have been interviewing high school students for the last two weeks. I am part of a team that is determining college scholarships from the schools in our area. Each year when I do this I am impressed at the quality of the kids we interview. This year was no different, these are amazing scholars, deeply involved in their communities and have such wonderful potential.

Today we interviewed the last of them and then met to determine what we were going to do. This year we ended up giving away $6,000 to 7 students. I wish that we could have given a scholarship to every student we met with. They all deserved it. And I feel blessed to have had the chance to met them.

I guess it really gives me hope for tomorrow when I see the involvement and the minds of these young people. The world will  be a better place because of what they will offer in the years to come.

And I rather think we could use a better world .....

Just Connie

Birthday Thoughts

I used to love my birthday. It was always a month long celebration with family, friends and church that reminded me that I was loved. But over the years as my life circumstances have changed I have found myself mostly avoiding it. And to be honest most years my birthday slips by without very many people noticing.

Sunday, I was surprised by a friend in the church who had an early birthday present for me. It was an incredibly kind and thoughtful gift. Something I had wanted but never really thought I could get for myself. It was a hand carved walking stick that not only had my initials carved into it, it had my life verse carved onto it as well.

I am so amazed at the love and thoughtfulness of this gift. It makes me feel loved and even more it makes me feel as if I am known. The things that I like, that are important to me are known to someone else and that makes me feel very special.

And I am thinking  .... that is a pretty good way to celebrate my birthday this year.

Just Connie

Beach Trip

Beach trip with four generations.

Tomorrow

It has been a day of meetings, followed by meetings ... and capped by more meetings. All of them good and necessary .... but long and tiring. The thing that kept me going today was the thought of tomorrow.

Because tomorrow is purely for pleasure. I am packing my grandson up, meeting my parents and we are heading to the beach. For the whole day!

I am planning on digging in the sand, looking for agates and just enjoying having a two year old at the beach.

I think I do not have enough of these kinds of days. So I am planning on enjoying every moment.

Just Connie

Shame

I am supposed to be working on my sermon right now, but I am finding that my mind is in too much turmoil to concentrate. I had a conversation with a friend this morning that has dredged up some old feelings ... feelings that I am not really enjoying. Feelings of rejection and hurt. I know that he did not mean to dredge up the past, but yet it did. He meant to encourage me and to advise me in a tricky situation. I appreciate his care and concern, but yet here are these very uncomfortable feelings that are swirling around me.

My chest is tight and the tears keep welling up in my eyes. Professionally I know that my feelings "warn and inform" me. They are not wrong ... they just are. And I am trying to thoughtfully sort out exactly what these feelings are telling me today.

I think it tells me that I still have a lot of hurt around the issues of my divorces. There is still such a sense of shame that I could ever be divorced. It is a breach of my core values and that is still hard for me to reconcile. There is still healing that needs to happen in my heart and life.

I think it tells me that I still have some work to do around this issue of shame. Theologically I know that God deals with conviction, an awareness that calls us to do different (repentance). The accuser of the brethren, the father of lies deals with shame.

So with that awareness ... I am choosing to drag the feelings out into the light. I am confessing it and my struggle at this point. I am choosing to praise God even in this and let Him continue to heal my heart. I think that the truth of His unconditional love can overcome even my shame.

It is a reminder .... I am a work in process and that is okay .....

Just Connie

80 th Birthday Thoughts

I spent the afternoon celebrating the 80th birthday of a friend. She is so vital and busy it is hard for me to believe that she is actually 80. She is incredible and I always enjoy spending time with her. Today about 50 of us gathered for a surprise luncheon. She was so surprised ... and it is very hard to get anything by her for very long. So it is amazing that this actually remained a surprise.

As I wandered around and talked with everyone I was struck by how much everyone loves her and the great respect and admiration they have for her and the life she lives. I looked around at her children, grand children and great grandchildren and was amazed at the legacy she and her husband have begun. They are a wonderful family and I can see their love and faithfulness in each successive generation.

I rather think it is one of the biggest responsibilities we have in life, to live well, to invest in our families and to love lavishly. I am thankful to see that lived out right in front of me. It helps spur me on to do the same thing.

I wonder how I will do?

Just Connie

Irritation

I am annoyed .... I can feel the irritation swirling around me. For weeks I have struggled to protect my day off. All week I fought to keep my Friday to myself. I even made myself accountable to my Pastor's cabinet for my need to do this. Today I had planned on housework, baking and perhaps even a nap. But the nice quiet day off I planned has just been hijacked by someone else's lack of planning.

So I am faced with a dilemma ... I can continue to be irritated or I can just complete the task and let it go. I am thinking that I really do not want to spend the rest of this day lost in a cloud of irritation. Because the truth is that annoyance has a habit of poisoning everything it touches. I can choose to hug it tight because "I deserve to feel it" or I can choose to let it go.

So I am taking a deep breath and letting the anger drain away. I am choosing to let go of my right to be annoyed and make the most out of this opportunity to do something nice for someone else. It is right for me, it is right for them and most of all it is right for Christ.

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Ephesians 4:2

And I guess that is absolutely the right place to be .....

Just Connie

Stressed and Cranky

I have been feeling stressed, tired and cranky lately. I have managed to get through the day mostly smiling serenely .... but I can feel the roiling emotions underneath. This is a very unusual feeling for me and I have to say that I do not like it at all.

So I am having a quiet evening to myself. No house guests, no work .... just peace and quiet. I am thinking that this could go a long way to helping me restore my equilibrium.

At least I am hoping so ....

Just Connie

Overwhelmed

There are few things in life that I find overwhelming. But I have to say that "car stuff" is one that is completely overwhelming. I do not have the expertise or knowledge to even remotely understand how they work. It is kind of like magic to me. I turn the key and it magically comes alive. Every once in a while I put gas in it and even more infrequently I change the oil, but other than that I expect the car to take car of itself.

But every once in a while my car does not meet those expectations. I love my car but it is a 13 year old Toyota Rav 4 with over 200,000 miles on it. It has been making funny noises and today someone looked at it for me. They hemmed and hawed and finally said ..... "it is old .... it has a lot of miles on it, how about a new one?" I laughed and said oh no ... I need to keep this one going. And then I walked into my office and cried all afternoon.

I have been trying to figure out what distressed me so badly. I think part of it is the realization that I do not have the financial resources to either fix a serious problem or to replace it. I also think that some of it is that I have not had to deal with a serious vehicle problem by myself. It is scary to contemplate. I know I do not have the knowledge to pick out a vehicle or fund one by myself.

I do not want to stay in this fear and I am trying to lay it aside. My mind says that people will lend their knowledge and expertise to me but I can still feel the emotions swirling around those rational thoughts.

So for tonight I am reminding myself that I am not really alone. I have family and friends who love me and actually know things that can help me.

I am not alone ......

Just Connie

Nagging Friend

Recently I have had a friend who has been nagging me. At the heart of his nagging is his concern that I am too busy, have too many commitments, too much stress and not enough down time. I would love to say that he is a complete crackpot. But the reality is that there is some truth to his concerns.

So I have been thinking about the source of my recent stress and tiredness and I think that there are some things floating to the top of the pool that I am gazing into.

1.  I like to be busy .... within certain boundaries. When those boundaries are compromised I feel the pressure.

2.  I need to be around people. So much of my life as a single woman is by myself. Meetings and community commitments have helped force me to interact with others when my natural desire is to hide and lick my wounds.

3.  It is stressful to have my son staying with me. I love him, I have loved getting to know him as an adult, but our natural lifestyles are very different. That difference creates a dissonance that is painful to me at times.

4.  I need to do a better job of protecting my Friday's from other people's agenda. They are my one day a week to rest and reflect.

5.  I have got to get the rest of the mess sorted and out of my living room. That is a continual stressful point to me. I want my house back again.

I have a feeling that making some small changes would make a big difference to me. It is time give some thought to what my needs are.

I think I am worth it ....

Just Connie