Shame

I am supposed to be working on my sermon right now, but I am finding that my mind is in too much turmoil to concentrate. I had a conversation with a friend this morning that has dredged up some old feelings ... feelings that I am not really enjoying. Feelings of rejection and hurt. I know that he did not mean to dredge up the past, but yet it did. He meant to encourage me and to advise me in a tricky situation. I appreciate his care and concern, but yet here are these very uncomfortable feelings that are swirling around me.

My chest is tight and the tears keep welling up in my eyes. Professionally I know that my feelings "warn and inform" me. They are not wrong ... they just are. And I am trying to thoughtfully sort out exactly what these feelings are telling me today.

I think it tells me that I still have a lot of hurt around the issues of my divorces. There is still such a sense of shame that I could ever be divorced. It is a breach of my core values and that is still hard for me to reconcile. There is still healing that needs to happen in my heart and life.

I think it tells me that I still have some work to do around this issue of shame. Theologically I know that God deals with conviction, an awareness that calls us to do different (repentance). The accuser of the brethren, the father of lies deals with shame.

So with that awareness ... I am choosing to drag the feelings out into the light. I am confessing it and my struggle at this point. I am choosing to praise God even in this and let Him continue to heal my heart. I think that the truth of His unconditional love can overcome even my shame.

It is a reminder .... I am a work in process and that is okay .....

Just Connie