Reflections for a New Year

The last day of the year ... Tomorrow is the beginning of a brand new year. The first week of January will also mark the seven year anniversary of being on my own. It is hard to believe that it was just seven years ago that I quietly crept out of the house at 2:00 in the morning seeking safety in a world that had suddenly turned upside down.

Seven years has brought me a lot of healing and a greater understanding of what had brought me to that dark and frightening night. It has also brought compassion for the man who in his own hurt and brokenness, hurt me.

Here are some of the things that I have learned in the last 7 years.

1. I am not defined by the things that have happened to me.

2.  There is healing and life beyond the hurt.

3.  Being alone is okay.

4.  Forgiveness is real and ongoing.

5.  People do not always understand your journey.

6.  People do not have to understand my journey .... I need to,understand it.

7.  Living in honesty and openness can be scary.

8.  Living in honesty and openness is worth it.

9.  Love is worth the risk.

10. I cannot out give God or His love.

My prayer is that I will continue to learn and to grow as I continue my journey. I also pray for all of those who feel trapped and afraid tonight. I pray that they will find freedom, healing and the reality of God's love.

Looking forward to the year ahead ....

Just Connie

Christmas 2015

Another Christmas come and gone already .... It is hard to believe that I am already 2 days past Christmas and 2016 is fast approaching. The last week has been a blur of activities.

Christmas Eve I packed up all the presents and headed up to my parents for the big Family celebration. It was wonderful to see everyone, but I did not get the chance to visit nearly as much as I wanted to with everyone. It was absolute chaos .... Some things never change.

Christmas morning I popped out of bed at 5 and opened up stocking gifts with mom and dad. I love that time with them and I am grateful that I have been able to have that time with them the last 6 years. By 7am I was on the road headed back to Willamina for the Coomunity Christmas Dinner. I pulled into our local restaurant about 9 and hit the ground running. My job this year was to recruit, organize and oversee the 50+ volunteers that make this dinner possible.

By 3:00 I was waving goodbye to the last volunteers after having served over 530 meals and giving away countless toys to the children who were there. I left there feeling tired but certain that we had really done a good thing. From there I headed down to the Fire Hall to check on those who were on duty. After visiting for a couple of hours, I headed home to put my feet up and relax.

As I have reflected on what a good day it was, I recognize the importance of staying busy and the importance of serving others to make my Christmas meaningful. It completely changes my outlook and attitude when I do.

I am grateful for the opportunities to serve that I have been given. I am grateful for the life and joy it brings into my life.

I can hardly wait until next year ....

Just Connie

Melt Down

I had a melt down today. After almost 6 months of treatment it finally happened. It was so unexpected and it hit me hard. I was trying to set the date for an important required annual interview. The first date they gave me was on a Wednesday. I explained that Wednesday's were my treatment day, could they find another date? So they gave me another option ... A different Wednesday date.
So I e-mailed them again explaining that I am pretty sick and miserable on treatment day and that I receive treatment every Wednesday. So they sent me another date .... On a Wednesday. I e-mailed back and said I would be there on the required date but they needed to know that I would be pretty sick and miserable.

And then I laid my head down on my desk and cried. All of the special accommodations that I have been making for the last half year, all of the missed events and opportunities suddenly seemed like too big a price to be paying. My entire life seems to be revolving around my treatments. And there is no end ... I have years of treatment stretching ahead of me.

I really do not expect people to understand what this has been like and I try very hard to keep positive, optimistic and to trust God with my future ... But this is suddenly looming very large and very ugly. I am tired. Tired of the enormity of the treatments, tired of being sick, tired of the horrendous cost, tired of life being measured by when my treatments are.

I have to honestly say that tonight the treatments do not seem to be worth the cost. But tomorrow is a new day and I will pray for a new outlook.

Please ....

Just Connie

Thankful Heart

I received my first bill for my medical treatments today. The total bill for two months of treatment was just under $12,000. My portion after insurance is $1,800. A couple of months ago I would have laid my head down and cried when the bill arrived knowing  that there was no way for me to pay it.

But because of the generosity of my community this bill will be paid. Tomorrow I will turn it into the Treasurer who will write a check and send it off this week.

What an incredible blessing this is. Instead of desperately trying to figure out how I am going to pay for this treatment, I can relax and concentrate on getting better. And not just today, but for all of the treatments over the next 16-18 months.

I am incredibly grateful for the gift of love and support of my community. I will never forget what they have done for me. Their love strengthens me and helps me focus on getting better.

I am blessed

Just Connie

Life Changes

It was just 6 months ago that my life took a sudden change. When the phone call came, I did not know then that my life was being  changed. I remember listening carefully to the Dr trying to understand what he was saying about my blood work results. Over the next month I began to get an understanding of how completely my life was changing.

For the past 5 months I have been getting gamma globulin treatments which will give me the antibodies that I need to  ... Well to stay alive. As the reality of these Weekly treatments have sunk in I find that there are some new priorities and focuses in my life. It seems that so much of my time is spent in preparing for the treatments, receiving the treatments and then recovering from the treatments. I do not like how much time it is sucking up.

I work very hard at staying healthy and "working through the pain". I am also working hard at staying positive and optimistic. There are some days that I find it very difficult to do and at times it seems that the grief will overcome me. But I remain convinced that there are things that God will teach me as I continue on this journey. I am learning and I am leaning ... Leaning on my friends and family and leaning on God.

And I guess when I really stop to think about it .... That is a pretty good place to be.

Just Connie

Fall

I love Fall. I love the cool crisp mornings and the bright sunny afternoons. I love the colors and the smells of this glorious time of year. I went out this afternoon and swept the piles of leaves off of my deck.

As I was sweeping, more leaves were falling around me. Hope Puppy kept dropping her ball in the pile of leaves only to get it swept off into the pile which she would then dive into the pile to find. Her absolute happiness made me laugh as I swept more leaves on the top of her head.

A feeling of deep contentment filled me as I looked out over the trees and watched the leaves swirling though the air. I felt a sense of rightness as I leaned on my broom and watched Hope Puppy. Those moments of rightness bring life and clarity when they come. They remind you that God is still in heaven and you are right where you need to be.

I am thankful for moments like this and thankful for the peace and joy that it brings. I am trying to rest and restore in these moments so I am prepared for the harder moments that come as I know they will.

But for now I will breathe in the glorious fall air and rest knowing that I am right where I need to be.

Just Connie

When Life Disappoints

What do you do when life disappoints you? I guess the answer to that question really determines how happy your life will be. Because the thing I am learning is that life will often disappoint you and how I react is more important to my physical and spiritual well being than my hurt and/or disappointment.

It was about 5 months ago that I finally had a name to hang to the illness that had kept sidelining me over the past 4 year. Primary Immune Deficiency, a great big name to explain that I did not have the antibodies to fight infection. To combat this I began weekly gamma globulin treatments. The treatments have been ..... well not fun. Nausea, muscle aches, fatigue and hair loss have become companions on this journey. But for every side effect I kept telling myself that I was getting better. I was very encouraged to realize that it had been over two months with no  infection, which is the longest I have gone in over a year.

However, one morning when I sat down to do my morning testing, I discovered that my lung function had dropped 50 points. I prayed that it was a momentary aberration, but over the next few days my lung function continued to fall. I took a trip to my doctor for a  steroid shot and waited with anticipation for my lung function to climb .... but it did not. The next week I went back and was given another shot and put on a month of oral steroids as well. Again I waited for the anticipated rise in lung function only to realize a few days later that I had a sinus infection.

I was discouraged as I sat in the doctors office receiving my antibiotics. My two month long infection free streak was over. I was in an all too familiar spot ... antibiotics and steroids. I went home dragging ... tired, disappointed and filled with questions. Did this mean the treatment was not working? Was this the beginning of another long line of infection after infection?

As I pondered those questions, I began to feel God speaking to my heart with His own questions. Would I choose hope in spite of the discouragement? Did I believe that God was good enough, big enough and loving enough to get me through this latest hurdle? Was I trusting enough to trust God with this?

The answer is Yes! God is good enough, big enough and loving enough to get me through and I am choosing to trust him with this. I choose hope over discouragement and I am looking forward to tomorrow with anticipation.

So for me when life is discouraging, I need to get my focus off of me and back on the Creator of the Universe ... it puts things into perspective and gets me out of the way.

And somehow .... life just is not so discouraging anymore ....

Just Connie

A Different Kind of Night

Saturday, I got dressed and drove my parents down to our local Community Center. I knew that this was going to be a very different kind of evening, but I had no idea how very different it was going to be for me.

Several months ago, when I was diagnoised with a Primary Immune Deficiency, I knew that I had a huge financial hurdle to overcome. But somehow I had an incredible sense of peace as I would pray about it. I did not know how, but I knew that somehow God was going to make all of this possible.

It was about 3 months ago, when the Chamber of Commerce came to me and told me they were planning a fundraiser for me to help with medical expenses as I journeyed through this diagnoisis. It has been with some self conciousness that I have heard some of the things they were planning for this event.  I really did not feel worthy of all that work of this kind of love and support. But every time I would struggle with this, I would feel God's touch and His reminder that it really was not all about me.

The first thing I noticed as I walked up to the Community Center was the smell of roasting pig that was donated by our local Community member. It  had been cooking over the coals all day long. The next thing I noticed as I walked in were the beautiful decorations and tables with table clothes and centerpieces. Everything looked wonderful. There were long tables stretched out for the food that a local restaurant had donated. There were more long tables for all of the auction items that people had been donating for this event. By the door there was this immense donation jar and I laughed to see my dad dropping money in the jar. "Haven't I cost you enough yet?" I teased as I watched him. There was another table selling the raffle tickets for the Henry Rifle that they had been selling tickets to all summer and another table displaying the gun itself.

Mom and I began to slowly walk down the auction tables looking at what people had donated in their love and generosity. But the time I reached the end of the first table I was crying. I could not believe that so many people were willing to help. While I continued to look at the donations, the band was setting up to play .... A live band .... A fabulous band.

And then the band began and people began arriving, dancing, making bids on the auction items and the room began to fill with laughter, voices and music. Dinner was soon big served as a mode and moor people streamed o the room. They brought in more chairs and more chairs and more chairs and still people came.

I walked around greeting people as they came in and trying to duck out of my mother's reach who was trying to get me to slow down and rest.  I was becoming more and more amazed as I watched everything that was happening. Then I was called up on stage and they gave a brief explanation of my diagnosis and treatment. Then they shared some of the things I do around town and the different hats I wear. By the time they asked me to come and say something, I was crying again, totally overwhelmed by this gift of love and support as I struggled to find words to express the depths of my gratitude and my love for all of them.

I was given a quilt made for me in a firefight motif to warm me on treatment days and remind me that I am loved. And of course that just made me cry even harder. But finally it was time for th final drawing and to say goodbye to everyone who had come out for this event.

They raised a lot of money which will cover my treatment costs for the next couple of years, but more portably, they reminded me that I am loved, that I am not in this alone.

And that is a very important reminder ....

Just Connie

The Phone Call

I just received a phone call from a man I have not spoken to in about 30 years. When I knew him he was a young man in his 20's who really struggled with poor choices. Drugs and prison seemed to be an endless circle for him. I spent a lot of time with him in through those years, advocating for him, getting him into treatment programs and of course visiting with him.

I have often thought of him over the years and prayed for him as he came to mind. But I always had this nagging feeling that I must have failed him somehow.  I had no idea where he was and how he was doing. Today's phone called filled me in and lifted me up as he shared. He had tracked me down to tell me thank you for saving his life. He has been clean and sober for 27 years. He is married, living in Florida and has built a good life.

I wanted to dance and sing as he shared with me. It was a good reminder to me that I am not called to "fix people". I am called to love and faithfulness. It is God's job to restore, it is mine to pray.

How grateful I am that this man took the time to track me down to say thank you. How thrilled I am for his restored life and hope. As a pastor it truly reminds me what this job is all about.

And that is a pretty good reminder to get .....

Just Connie

Steroids

I sighed as the Dr explained the treatment for my falling lung function. A second steroid shot and three weeks of a massive blast of oral steroids. I knew from past experienc that the steroid treatment would bring sleepless nights, a puffy moon face and an upset stomach. But it would attack the inflation in my lungs that was making breathing challenging for me. I was also to begin every four hour breathing treatments.

So for the last couple of days I have been working the treatment plan and spending a lot of time reading through the nights. I am not seeing improvement yet but I am not getting horribly worse either, so that is a good thing.

I find myself resenting this illness at times. The time and energy that it steals from me when I could be living life. But God gently reminds me that I am living life ... Right where I am. I have things to learn and though the path might now take me where I expect, I need to embrace the journey.

So tonight I am choosing to rest right where I am and look for the lesson that is here for me. And with all of these steroids coursing through my body, rest sounds pretty good.

And tomorrow is a bright new day ...

Just Connie

Another Go Around

The church Camp Out was going well. It had been wet, but I had been having a lot of fun with the the young adults and kids. We had played Capture the Fag in the dark with glow sticks. We had played Football Frisbee and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. It was when I woke up Monday morning that I knew that things had taken a bad turn for me.

Rolling over I could already hear  the wheezing of my lungs.Sighing, I got up and began packing my stuff up so I could head home and take care of my complaining lungs  I packed up my car and said goodbye to everyone.

Getting home I unpacked everything, set up the tent and spread out the wet gear so it could dry. Then I hauled myself into the house and measured my lung function. Looking at the result I sighed and drug myself into the bedroom to lay down a while.

Deciding that this might be a temporary downturn, I decided to wait it out a day and see if I got better. By that night my lung function had dropped another 50 points and I was not feeling well. So I broke down and went to the Dr the next day who said, "You are not moving air through your lungs  well". The good news was that I had no sign of infection. Which was very good news. I left his office with the instruction to double check with the immunologist to make sure a steroid shot was not contraindicated with my gamma globulin treatments.

After checking with the immunologist I reported early the next morning for my steroid shot. That day as my lung function got worse and worse, I got my sermon done, had a counseling appointment and then had my gamma globulin treatment. By that night I was short of breath and b=pretty miserable, but I drug myself to my Fire Board meeting and was home by 9:15 to fall into bed.

I woke in the morning feeling better. Taking my lung function test I was encouraged to see that I had some up several points. As the day went on I felt better and better. And now I sit here several points higher still and beginning to think that I am over the hump with this go around.

I have no idea what set this one off, but it is resolving without antibiotics or oxygen. That makes me feel like I am beginning to get a handle on things.

Most of all I find that I am grateful. I am grateful for the healing that my body is undergoing. I am grateful for the incredible people God has put into my life to partner with me in my health care. I am grateful for life and the future that God has for me.

And grateful is a good place to be .....

Just Connie

A Normal Day

My days are often filled with a myriad of things. This week has been no exception. I thought I would give you an idea of what Wednesday was like.

It began when I hopped out of bed at 6:00 and drug myself to the shower. In reality I really, really did not want to get up when the alarm clock rang .... however I had a stack of commitments I needed to meet.

By 8:00 I was at Coyote Joe's Restaurant with the Minutes from the last meeting to pass out. For the next hour I took minutes, while we discussed a variety of current projects and problems that we are working on. And in spite of what you hear, I am NOT in charge of the nude beach project.

From there I headed to the office to finish up my sermon and try to get the music laid out for Sunday morning service at the Church Camp Out. As I was working, I had a steady stream of drop in visitors. Some with problems, some who just wanted to chat. But in between visitors I actually was able to get the sermon done and printed.

As I was locking up the office, I was stopped by a man who really needed diapers for his grand child and some milk and other grocery perishables. So I went back in and wrote a small check and a note to our local grocery store and was able to send off a very happy man.

That was about the time I remembered that I had not eaten any lunch, but I still needed to make a trip into Sheridan. So I decided to head into Sheridan and get some of the errands done before I ate lunch. I went the bank and picked up the new Benevolence checks, I stopped at Sheridan City Hall to talk to the City Manager about a community project and finally ran and picked up prescriptions at the Pharmacy.

It was while I was at the pharmacy that I got the text to stop in at the Fire Hall to sign checks. So I popped into the Fire Hall and signed checks and looked at the specs for a new rig we were considering, gave all the crew a hard time, talked with the chief abut a personnel issue, talked with the clerk about the Board Policy review I have been working on and .... finally about an hour later was  heading home.

From there I dropped a form off at my doctor's, and stopped at the grocery store where I bought lunch/dinner because now it was 4:00 and picked up some supplies for the Church Camp Out. Loading the groceries in the car, I headed home to let out a very grateful dog and filled my plate with lunch/dinner. As I was beginning to eat, there was a knock on the door. It was a close friend whose mother had just passed away. We talked for the next hour about how the family was doing and was honored when they asked me to do the service.

I waved goodbye to him and walked back to pick up my plate and eat as much as I could as I headed to the kitchen to put it away. It was time to change my clothes for yoga class and head to the church where I was meeting my "phone guy" who  would be helping me dump the very inefficient cell phone carrier I currently  had and sign up with a new carrier with my new phone.

It sounded so easy when he asked me to call my provider and get my account number. However after I had been put on hold multiple times and transferred 3 times, I was beginning to get very frustrated. I made the mistake of telling them I was frustrated. Next thing I knew I was transferred once again, only this time to a Spanish speaking person who rattled off a long line of Spanish. By then I was at the end of my rope and said, "Are you kidding me? No habla espanol`" After a very short conversation with him (in English) I was transferred once again to someone who eventually gave me the account number.

But of course by that time my yoga class was half way over and we had not even begun the transfer process yet. Over the next hour and a half we got through the transfer process until we were just waiting for the old carrier to let go and the new carrier to kick in. At 9:00 pm we called it quits and I headed home with a phone that was not operational yet.

As I prepared for bed, I thought of all the things I did not get finished and sighed.

But ... tomorrow is a new day with endless possibilities. I am pretty sure there will be more hours in tomorrow ..... right?

Just Connie

My Day Off

As a pastor involved in the community my "day off" is often filled with activities that are actually part of my job. Yesterday was very much like that.

It was the smoke that I first noticed as I woke up, thick and with the acrid smell of fire retardant. I closed up the windows and tried to keep the worst of the smoke out. It seemed that the cold night and an air inversion had worked to bring the smoke from the wild fires down to us.

Quickly getting ready I headed to Church for the Men's Ministry meeting where we had devotions together, breakfast and then organized some on going projects.

Leaving there I headed to the Park where the local Kiwanis were having their Annual Duck Race. For the next several hours I worked in the creek, putting up the barrier and chute for the finish line and then called out the winners as they came into the chute. And finally dragging everything back up out of the creek and putting it all away.

I wrapped a towel around me as I headed home to change my clothes. As I was getting dressed I got a call from the Fire Department asking me to report to sign some checks and to meet with the chief to talk about the local wild fire situation.

A couple of hours later the Fire Chief and I headed to an Emergency Operations meeting with the Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde where we planned, strategized and shared the information that we had on the fire. From there we headed back to the Fire Station where I picked up my car, stopped at the store and I finally headed home.

I ate a quick dinner, checked on my lung function (down a hundred points, the smoke is not my friend), e-mailed some fire photos, watered the garden and at last, fell into bed.

That was my day, It was busy and involved a lot of different facets of my involvement int he church and community. But it was satisfying and filled with the knowledge that I am right where God wants me, doing the work He has called me to.

And that is a pretty good feeling ....

Just Connie

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

I was roaming up and down the road, taking photos of the burning forest of both sides of the road when I heard the helicopter coming back to drop another load of water on the fire above us. I quickly began to snap some shots of the helicopter, getting completely caught up in getting the perfect shot.

And that is when I caught the trailing edge of the water drop. Stunned, I quickly shoved my camera under my coat as the water showered around me. Shaking off the water,  I told myself, "If the helicopter gets you with water you are too close!" as I began backing away. I checked my camera and found everything checked out fine as I continued with my assigned tasks.

It was several hours later, when I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket that I found my pocket full of water. With disbelief I looked at the dead, water soaked phone in my hand. Sighing, I dried it off and settled it in a pocket that I checked to make sure was dry and went back to the job at hand

Hours later when I finally drug home at 2:00 in the morning. I placed the carefully dried phone in a bag of rice and prayed for a miracle.

I am still praying ....

All I can say is, "Poor phone".

Just Connie

Forest Fire

The call came as I was heading back from McMinnville in a fire department rig. Wildfire in Willamina, switching on lights and siren I followed the Chief's rig in front of me. Arriving at the Station I threw my turnouts on, grabbed my Wildland jacket and jumped in the Chief's rig to head to the scene. As we climbed the mountain, I could see the massive column of smoke above the ridge.

As we pulled up with the other first responders, I sat there stunned. There was fire on both sides of the road. On the left the fire was coming down the ridge, Ahead of us the fire had jumped the road and was moving down the canyon below us and coming back towards us. Looking at Chief for confirmation, I jumped out of the rig and began snapping photos.

For the next 7 hours I hiked up and down the road passing information to the Chief as I snapped photos. We were in a ravine that made communication very difficult, no cell phone service and the radios were spotty. Around 11:00 pm we jumped in the rig and decided to head up the mountain to "Command" to get more information. A couple of miles up the road, we were stopped by a burning tree across the road, Chief quickly put the rig in reverse and began backing back down the narrow one lane road. In a state of shock I watched as a giant fir tree cashed down within feet of the front of the truck. It was then that I found that I, the professional communicator suddenly could not get anything out of my mouth but a gasp and the word "tree".  "Uh huh, there was a tree across the road" the Chief muttered as he continued looking back over his shoulder backing down the road. Still unable to get many words out of my mouth, I finally stammered, "New tree! New tree!"

And that is when he took a look in front in front of us and saw the tree that had come down. Surprised, he continued to back down the road as quickly as we could. Arriving back with the other rigs and fire fighters, we grabbed a couple of crew members and a chain saw and hiked back to the last tree that had come down. Chief and I had the job of keeping watch for other falling trees in the burning forest around us as the 2 crew members began to cut the tree into large sections that were then rolled off to the side of the road.

Getting that tree cleared, we hiked up to the burning tree that had first stopped us and began the process all over again. Finally we were rolling the last flaming section off the road as we quickly hiked back down the burning forest road.

I have to say that it was exciting, horrifying and sometimes scary to be on that fire. But I came away with a new appreciation of the skill and expertise of the people working the fire. I  also came away with everyone hearing about the near miss with the tree. I knew that because every time I walked by someone would say, "Tree, tree!"

I have a feeling, I have a lot of teasing ahead of me .....

Just Connie

Adventuring

A couple of years ago when it became evident that whatever was making me sick was not going to go away quickly, lead me to make a decision. I decided that I had to keep moving and keep exercising. I stepped up my yoga classes, I trained with the Ropes Rescue Team, I did whatever I could to keep moving and not become a lump in bed. Sometimes this meant I spent most of the class laying on my yoga mat wheezing, or there was the memorable night when I could not breath and the paramedics in my class noticed my lips had turned blue. But I have kept trying.

This summer I picked up a couple of new activities and took a kayak class and then began paddle boarding. Of course I love anything that allows me to be out in the water, so both of those activities were good matches for me. And of course both of those activities kept me moving.

This past weekend I headed to the Willamette River outside of Dundee and spent four hours paddling the river.

Behind me you can see my adventure friend and community paramedic, Tami. It was a gorgeous day and there is something about being out in the midst of the wilds that always blesses me.

I paddled back to shore after four hours of exploring, with my nose a bit sunburned and feeling good. I am so grateful to have these opportunities to continue to stretch myself.

I think there are many more of these adventures ahead for me. I just need to keep moving ahead and to be determined to never give up. Besides, Tami and I are already planning our next trip.

The adventure continues ......

Just Connie

Fire Thoughts

 I got the call just as I was curling up in bed for  the night. I quickly got dressed and headed to the fire which was only a couple of blocks away. Part way there I got the call from the fire chief making sure that I was on the way. Assuring him I was on my way, I continued on.

Pulling up on scene, I quickly got into my turnouts and began snapping photos as the crews began to fight the raging fire.

This was an abandoned house, so there were no owners to interview or paperwork to begin at the scene. That left me free to snap pictures.

The fire was so hot that we could not get very close until we began to knock it down. When the fire began to die down the chief and walked around looking for the origin of the fire.

Finally the fire was out and we headed back to the Fire Hall, so I could finish getting the information I needed for the press.

By 2:00 I was heading back to bed, tired, sooty and very smelly. But knowing that we had kept the fire from spreading and that it was a job well done.

And that is pretty good feeling to go to bed with .....

Just Connie

Car Thoughts

I have been having trouble with my car. The battery keeps going dead. After having all my car guys poking around in it for a couple of months, I finally bought a new battery hoping that would fix the issue.

Then I happily trundled up to Kennewick to meet my new grandson and spend time with my daughter and her family. When I jumped in the car to head home .... my battery was dead. Frustrated, but thankful my son in law was there with the jumper cables, I was soon jumped and on my way back home.

After consulting with my car guys back home I finally decided to make an appointment with the dealership and get this issue solved for once and for all. So early Tuesday morning I headed to Salem and explained what was happening and began the long wait. After only a couple of hours they came and told me they had checked the car over and there was nothing wrong with it. When I asked why the battery was going dead then, he said, " We do not know".

I sat there in disbelief as he made a long list of servicing and things that could be done to the car. I was soon on my way back home with the same problems that I had brought with me. So I had driven two hours, waited two hours and spent $115 only to be told there was nothing wrong with my car ... only the battery keeps going dead.

So I headed back to my local car guys and told them the dealership mechanic had said "nothing was wrong with my car." As he was laughing and ducking the items I was throwing at him, he did point out that something was certainly wrong with the car, they just did not know what it was. By the time i had left his place, I had made a couple of decisions. First, I need a AAA membership. Secondly, I need a set of jumper cables or a jump box to carry with me all the time.

So even though I do not have a solution to what ever the issue is at this time, at least I have a strategy. And of course the car guys are still full ideas of what they can look at next.

Of course they are also laughing at the need to attempt to teach me to use a jump box charger on the car. .... sigh .. somehow I cannot see this turning out well ... or with any dignity.

But who needs dignity at this point?

Just Connie

The Cough

The cough shook my body and I laid my head down on my desk and sighed. It was becoming evident that the infection was coming back after only a week off antibiotics. Picking up the phone I called my family doctor and was soon sitting across from him in the examining room.

He soon confirmed my fear and put me back on another month of antibiotics. I left with a feeling of discouragement. I had been on a constant round of antibiotics for the last four years as I fought infection after infection. When they finally discovered my immune system deficiency I was almost relieved. Over the past month I have been learning the process of gamma globulin infusions which will eventually give me the antibodies I need to fight infection.

There are times when I resent the constant fatigue and the time which my illness steals from me. But then I am reminded that "I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me". Tonight I am reflecting on that and letting determination and hope refill the empty tired places within me.

This too shall pass ...

Just Connie

Fire on the 4th of July

It was blistering hot, when my pager went off. I picked up the phone saying, "Please don't be a fire, please don't be a fire". I looked at the screen and saw, "Wild land Fire". I jumped in my car and headed to the station where I threw my turnouts in the back of the fire rig and headed out of the parking lot with the lights flashing. Driving quickly towards the scene I could see the column of smoke curling over the hill, long before I got there.

I parked the rig at the foot of the hill and began the long, long trek up the hill to the fire which had now moved to involve a house. By the time I reached the top I was soaked with sweat and looking for the nearest piece of shade. When I had recovered I began walking the scene and snapping photos.

The day wore on as the stubborn fire kept burning. Energy flagged and the heat was exhausting. Crews were swapped out quicker and quicker aas the heat took its toll.

About 2 hours in the fire, Channel 12 showed up and I had the joy of hiking back down the mile long driveway to meet with them. When I told them that they would have to walk back up the driveway way with me, I thought the camera man was going to cry. By then it was about 100 degrees. But the deputy took pity on us and drove us up the hill. Over the next 30 minutes I answered questions and talked about what we knew of the origin of the fire. (Fireworks caused)

But finally, 5 hours later I was standing in the home with the Chief and the homeowner. I looked down and we were standing in ankle deep water, (that you could still see the once beautiful hardwood floors beneath) water was streaming down on us through the holes in the roof that had to be cut to vent the fire. We slowly walked through together as the homeowner came to terms with his loss.

Then it was time to head back to the station and begin the process of paperwork and media calls. Including a call from the sheriff himself  requesting me to get all of these media people taken care of because they were calling him! It was about then that I went to the restroom to wash my hands for the meal that was being prepared and looked in the mirror. I marched out of the restroom and said to the guys, "Not one of you could have told me that my face was covered in soot?" They laughed and it was impossible to not laugh with them. And it felt so very good to laugh. But finally everything was done, all the media had what they needed until I had edited my photos and began the press releases. But that could wait till tomorrow.  So it was about 10:30 when I drug myself out of the station and headed home, sweaty, sooty and very smelly.

As I gratefully threw my freshly showered and scrubbed self on the bed I reflected on the day and everything I experienced. I am so thankful to be able to minister at such a critical time in people's lives. I hope that the victims and the crews can feel my love and support in real and tangible ways.

I really think I have the bet job in the world! And tomorrow I preach! It is a good life ...

Just Connie

Something New

 I tried something new on Saturday. I was feeling pretty good so early on Saturday morning a friend and I headed to Trillium Lake to Paddle Board. I had been wanted to try but had never had the opportunity.

I was stunned by the beauty of the lake the first time I saw it. The mountain was beautiful and the weather was gorgeous.

I loved Paddle Boarding, It was a lot of fun and you could take it at your own pace. we paddled a while and swam a while, paddled a while and then sat on our boards in the middle of lake and talked.

I could easily become hooked on this, I wish that boards were not so expensive. But I am glad for the chance to try something new.

I am also thankful to be feeling better and to be able to get out and do something.

Now, what can I try next?

Just Connie

Mill Fire Thoughts

It was a hot evening following my 4th treatment as my Fire Department pager went off just as I was crawling into bed. As I looked at the screen, I jumped out of bed just as the Fire Chief  called. A local Lumber mill was on fire and I was needed on scene.

I headed to the Fire Hall, grabbed my turnouts and the Chief's turnouts, loaded them in Squad 8 and headed to the Mill with lights and sirens going.

Arriving on scene, I pulled my turnouts and helmet on grimacing as the heat and my soreness from treatment registered on me. I quickly got an update on the status of the fire and began following crews snapping photos as I climbed over equipment, catwalks and slogged through the mud.

The fire was quickly contained and the process of mop up began as crews continued to put out hot spots and put out the grass fires that had popped up around the scene. Tucking my camera into my turnouts, I began the process of filling out paperwork and talking with the owners.Glad to break out of part of my helmet and jacket as I filled out paperwork, I gratefully let the breeze lift sweat matted hair.

As things began to  wrap up the Chief and I did our walk through of the scene as he explained what he could tell so far about the fire. Then it was time to head back to the Fire Hall to collate information for press releases and to discuss the fire.

Heading home, I jumped in the shower to scrub as much of the smell of the fire off as I could. As I crawled into bed, I noticed a couple of things, first of all I was not nearly as sore as I was when I crawled out of bed. Secondly, it was 2:00 in the morning! It seems that fires never come at convenient times. But I was grateful that the next day was my day off.

The one thing I can say, my life is never boring anymore. What a great way to love!

Just Connie

Treatment Number Two

Treatment number two is behind me. It did not go nearly as well as I was hoping. First of all, I had Trouble with remembering how and in what order all the tubing hooked to the syringe. I finally had to call the pharmacy headquarters and have a nurse talk me through the whole thing.

Second of all, I think that I might have infused into the muscle instead of subcutaneous because I ended up with a knot the size of a cantaloupe on the side of my thigh. Not really painful but uncomfortable.

It probably did not help that I got called to a cardiac arrest this afternoon (and that call is a story all on its own) and then had the city/county dinner tonight that I had committed to be a part of. I came home exhausted, muscle achy and longing for bed.

So here I am in bed and thinking about all of the things I need to do tomorrow. And right now that is feeling a bit overwhelming.

But tomorrow is a new day and I am bound to be better tomorrow ..... Right?

Just Connie

Looking Forward

I cannot believe that a week and a half of vacation is almost over. I do not feel like I have much to show for it. But then I knew this would be a recovery vacation, not a fun and game vacation. Perhaps I will be able to take some fun vacation time in July. By then perhaps I will feel well enough to do some camping.

I am still doing a lot of sleeping. I do not know how much of that is from the Gamma Globulin treatment and now much of it is fighting the infection. I do not think people know how exhausting it is. And I have had a constant infection for over 6 months now. But I am very hopeful that by the time the antibiotic has run its course that the Gamma Globulin will have given me enough antibodies to stay healthy for a while.

I am so looking forward to being healthy. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am hoping that I am getting closer and closer to healthy and well.

Now that would be nice .....

Just Connie

Climbing New Heights

On the ladder truck

The view from the top

I am on two weeks of vacation to allow me to adjust to my new treatment. I was feeling better this morning and only slightly nauseous. So this morning when the call came in that they were doing a wild land Burn to Learn I headed up on the hill.

The ladder truck was extended so they told me to climb on up. It was so much fun to do that and it was the first time I have climbed up it when it was extended. It always fills me with a sense of accomplishment when I get to do something new.

I am very thankful for the time I get to spend with the Fire Department. They are an incredible group of people and they have broadened my life in wonderful ways.

I can hardly wait to see what new thing I get to do next .....

Just Connie

Today's Thoughts

Day 1 after my first treatment has gone fairly well. I am a bit green around the edges and tired. So all in all not too bad. I spent most of the day in bed, right up until I got the phone call from YCom dispatching me to the scene of a cardiac arrest in Sheridan.

I quickly got ready, grabbed some business cards and headed to Sheridan. For the next hour and a half I comforted and sorrowed with them over the death of their loved one. As I drove away, I found that I was blessed to be doing something so worthwhile.

So much of what I do as a pastor is hard to quantify, but it is times like today that I absolutely know that I am making a difference. That is a pretty good feeling.

Good enough to balance even the protests of my stomach today ......

Just Connie

Enough For Me

I stood there and looked at the three needles in my abdomen pumping life giving medicine with a sense of unreality. For the past hour the nurse had been explaining and demonstrating the process for the gamma globulin infusions. Infusions that would give me the antibodies that I was lacking. Four years of illness and infection might be coming to an end through these infusions.

Surprisingly, I was not in much discomfort. It felt odd, but not painful. I looked over at the paramedic who had come to be trained with me and smiled. I was not sure if it was to reassure her or to reassure myself. For the next two hours I suffered through blood pressure checks, having my temperature taken and answering question after question as  the nurse gauged how I was responding to the treatment.

I made it all the way through the entire  with no complications. As I waved goodbye to the nurse, I felt the last of my energy draining away. I slowly put away the vast array of medical supplies that were now a part of my life as I reflected on what this weekly treatment would mean to me.

In one way this treatment would restore my life to me. No longer would I be trapped in this constant cycle of infections and illness. In another way, it would complicate my life as I learned to juggle a 2 hour treatment into my life and all of the meds that were needed to counteract the side effects. But the reality is that life never remains the same. All I can do is try to embrace the changes with grace.

And grace sounds so very easy and yet can be so difficult. It is a good thing I do not have to do this alone. I am blessed with family and friends who will support and love me as I journey. And of course the absolute knowledge that God loves me and offers me His grace and love every step of the way.

And that is enough for me ......

Just Connie

Thought about Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day ... the day I begin treatment. I have been in a flurry of cleaning the last two days trying to get everything laid out and ready. Knowing that I might not feel like doing much housework the next couple of weeks I wanted to have as much done as I could.

Tomorrow, mid day the home health care nurse will arrive to train me to do my own infusions. I am hopeful that I will be able to learn the process well and thoroughly so that I do not have to be sent to an IV infusion center to have this done.

In all honesty I am a little nervous about how it will go and how I will feel afterwards. I think it is the basic fear of the unknown. Well that .... and all of the warnings that have come with the training of this training.They tell me that "few people have problems or reactions to the treatment .... by the way, what is the fire department response time to your house?" That has come from the four different people I have talked to from the drug company and it has not filled me with confidence.

So I have stayed busy today getting ready, my mother arrived this afternoon and will stay with me for several days. I am very thankful ... though of course I would not want to tell her that ... because of course I am absolutely confident that I can do this . .....

You are never too old to need your mommy ....

Just Connie

Changes

I stood there and looked with dismay at the very large box that had just been delivered. I knew what it contained and I had not been looking forward with anticipation to this delivery. With a sigh, I got   the scissors and began opening the box.

Removing the packing from the top I gingerly picked up the packet on the top that said, "Welcome New Patient". For the next hour I read through the materials that told me in great detail (and pictures) what my Gamma Globulin Immune Therapy would entail.

With a sigh, I looked at the DVD I held in my hand. I slowly put it down, not ready yet to watch the full reality of what I would be doing Wednesday. I packed the welcome sheets back into the case and sat there mulling over everything I had read. The process was much more complicated than I had expected. This was not a simple shot ... this was a 2 hour infusion at three different sites every week. The realization gripped me that this was a life changing event. My life was about to change in very real and unmistakable ways.

But as I pondered these changes, it dawned on me that my life had taken a dramatic turn three years ago when I first got ill. The difference was that I did not realize at the time that my life was changing. After every illness I expected life to go back to normal ... only it did not. This was another major change, but it gives me the hope that I would be well again. Seems like it might be  good trade off.

So I am looking at a life changing event ... things will change. But some of those changes will be very positive. That is enough to hang onto. I choose to continue to look for the blessings I am going to find on this new journey.

There are good things ahead ....

Just Connie

It is a Day

Today was just one of "those" kind of days ... emotional ... exhausting and troubling. It began with a phone call that brought information that I did not want to hear and made me incredibly sad. From there I dealt with a very unhappy person that I did not even know was upset. We cried together and I was left with a sense of having failed so spectacularly that I did not even know I had failed.

Shaken but striving to look at the positive, I answered the phone only to find out it was the pharmaceutical company that will be distributing my treatment drugs and training me for self injection. After that phone call I laid my head down and cried. Suddenly, the treatment seemed very close and very real and downright scary. But whispering a prayer I worked to pull it together so I could head to the local restaurant for a meeting. As I walked in, I was handed a check to help me with medical costs. That began the tears all over again.

So here I am, tired, blessed and  tearful around the edges. So all in all I guess a normal ministry day.

Looking forward to tomorrow .... things have to be better .... right?

Just Connie

A Break

I took a break from all the medical stuff this past weekend. In fact I did something new and different. I took a beginning kayaking class. One of the medics from the Fire Department and I signed up for this class well over a month ago. I have been anxiously watching my lung function and praying that I could actually do this.

So very early on Saturday morning we headed up to West Linn for our class. For the next 6 hours we learned all kinds of paddle strokes and paddled around the Willamette. I somehow did not tip myself over once and I learned a lot. It was a beautiful bright sunny day and it felt so good to be outside.

As we wrapped up the class and began packing all of our stuff away it dawned on me that I have not done enough of this in the last few years. There is something about being outside that gives me life and I need to do more of it.

So I have decided that as I prepare for treatment I am going to be more intentional about getting outside. So for the first part of that commitment, I have scheduled a paddle boarding day the end of this month. And no, I have never been paddle boarding, but I am going to learn. Something tells me that I will love it!

Now I am going to look around and find thing that will get me outside between now and then .... who knows what I will learn next?

Just Connie

Sorting it Out

I have not blogged in quite a while. I have been processing what I am feeling and trying to figure out how to put into word everything that is going.

About three and a half years ago, I began to get sick frequently. I would develop an infection and then my asthma would go critical. Over time the infections got closer and closer together and my asthma got worse. This spring, they began to look at my immune system for answers and …. They got answers. It seems that my immune system has some missing elements in it. Now they are beginning the process to begin gamma globulin immune therapy. Today I filled out the paperwork to begin the process and I should hear from the drug company in a couple of weeks.

How do I feel about all of this? I feel …. All kinds of things. I am relieved that there might finally be a solution and an end to the constant illness. I am hopeful for a future where I begin to once again do all of the things that bring me joy and life. I am afraid … afraid that this will not work, that I will continue to get sicker and sicker. I am afraid that the treatments will make me horribly sick.

But in spite of everything I am feeling I am choosing hope as the feeling that I am standing on. I choose hope.

And hope is always the right decision.

Just Connie

Wild Land Burn to Learn Photos

I want to post some of the photos I took while I was up on the aerial ladder. I have to say again that being up 80 feet int he air was very exciting! It was a great place to watch everything that was going on. But of course the real thrill was having the opportunity to learn to run  the aerial adder. I was terrified I would do something wrong. But the Chief was very patient with me. And I am rally looking forward to doing it again. So here they are!

Looking down from 80 feet up! Look how tiny the huge ladder truck loooks!

Getting ready to climb back down

Burning off ... is going slow ... too wet

Wild Land Fire Training

The view from 80 feet up

One of the things I have loved about working with the Fire Department is that it has given me many new experiences. Saturday was my very first wild land Burn to Learn. My job was primarily to document. the event. That meant that I went up on the aerial ladder.

It was an incredible experience. My heart was pounding as I clipped myself into the safety belt and climbed the ladder to the basket. as the arm extended up and up and up the world spread out below us.

For the next hour I took photos of the the crews setting fires. Then the chief decided it was time for me to learn how to operate the aerial ladder. So with fear and trembling I put my foot on the pressure plate and began the process of learning how to operate the arm without jerking us all over creation. I felt better once I learned that the basket had a self leveler and I was not getting ready to dump us out on our heads.

It was with great exhilaration that I climbed backed down the ladder and jumped off the truck. Where else would you have the opportunity to experience everything I had a chance to today? I am so very thankful for the the doors God has opened for me here.

I can hardly wait to find out what is next .....

Learning to use the emergency shelter

Getting put back together after shelter training

Just Connie

Bubba Bunny

Over 13 years ago I found a tiny brown spotted bunny at a feed store. I brought him home and named him Bubba Bunny. Over the years he brought joy, laughter and frustration as he ordered his world around him.

He seemed to be a very easy going bunny, learned to use the litter box and had full run of the house. But then one day this mysterious thing called puberty arrived. He decided to have bab bunnies with the dog .... the dog was against it. He also decided it was important to "mark his territory". Which in bunny land means you deposit one rabbit pellet on anything you claim is yours. Unfortunately that included people napping on the couch, people standing in the hall and well .... basically anything that was within his line of sight. So .... Bubba Bunny made a trip to the vet, for an attitude adjustment which solved many of the troubling behaviors which had developed.

When I moved to Willamina, he staked out the hearth as his special territory. That meant you better have permission to put anything on the hearth (or he would push it off on the floor) or heaven forbid you should try to change his litter box or move any of his things around. He would charge and growl at offenders and it always made me laugh to see people run from this tiny 5 pound bunny.

Saturday I noticed that he was having trouble moving around by Monday he was much worse and I made the difficult decision to have him put to sleep. I am amazed at the depth of grief I am feeling for this little guy. He was  ... just a bunny. But yet he has been such a constant presence in my life over the past 13 years. His determination to order the world around him has been entertaining and often enlightening. I am going to miss him much more than I thought I would. I am thankful for the years I was able to spend with him.

Such a little guy .. to make such a big difference in my life .....

Just Connie

Birthday Thoughts

Birthday ... How is it possible that another birthday is upon me? Birthdays are always kind of bittersweet to me at this stage of life. It is not that I mind getting older, it is that I miss being surrounded by my family and the joy of celebrating the day with others. It is taking me time to adjust to this new season.

But because it is different , it does not mean tht it is bad or wrong ..l it is just different. So I am trying to reach myself th things tht will help me relax and enjoy the day with no expectations.mto let it just be what it is and enjoy.

I have been blessed with the outpouring of greetings and good wishes from people around the world today. The U.S., Africa, Japan, India ... It is truly amazing and it has blessed me as I have heard from friends from across the years.

I am thankful for what I have been given and I look forward to what else the day will bring.

Happy Birthday ... To me!

Just Connie

Frustration

I have been feeling so much better the last couple of weeks I packed up and headed to Kennewick to visit my daughter, son in law and grandson. I had no sooner gotten up there when my lungs  decided to take a vacation without me. Within 12 hours my lung function had plummeted and I was wheezing and short of breath. So after phone consultation with my dr back in Willamina, I was put back on antibiotics and begun on breathing treatments once again.

It was so wonderful to be there and get to know my grandson. But I was so disappointed to be so sick while I was there. I am so ready to find out what is causing this and get on the road to permanent recovery. This has been a long road and I have to admit that I get discouraged at times.

I am ready to reclaim my life and activities and everything that has been sidelined while my lungs have struggled to function. I want to hike and climb and do all the things I love to do. I want ... Well I guess it is not abut the want. It is about living fully in the moments I have. That means embracing even my frustration with where my health is right now.

Because when it comes right down to it, I do not want to waste my life grieving I've what is not there, but in celebrating what I have been given.

I guess it is time to celebrate....

Just Connie

Tomorrow

Tomorrow! Tomorrow I pack up the car and I head Northeast ... to see my daughter! I am very excited and can hardly believe the day is finally here.

I have been waiting for my lung function to improve so I can travel and to be cleared from the dr and my physical therapist. Now, all of that has finally happened and tomorrow I will be on my way.

I am hoping to get to know my grandson who I have only seen once when he was three months old. I am also hoping to spend some time with my daughter getting to know the young woman she has grown into. I find that is both exciting and scary.

My prayer is that we will connect in a way that is both comfortable and meaningful. 5 short day just does not seem long enough. But perhaps this will be the first of many visits with them.

I hope so ... I hope for such great things .... tomorrow ....

Just Connie

Getting Better

Feeling better, feeling stronger ... and that feels pretty good. My lung function ha taken some nice large leap in the pat week and I have begun a very slow  taper of my oral steroids. I am also off of the nebulizer treatment which seem to free up a lot of my day that I can actually do something productive.

The down side of all of this good news is that I am still on the oral steroid which means that I am not sleeping at night and I am still taking the narcotic cough syrup which I do not like at all. I find that I do not like feeling fuzzy and this particular medication is a time release med and so it hits you at odd times during the day with little to no warning. But on the up side, it is controlling my cough which is also improving my lung function so all in all it is probably a good trade off.

It is good to have my body somewhat  cooperating and getting back on track. I am within 50--60 point now of normal lung function for me and I can tell the difference in a big way So now I just need to keep working on it and keep healing.

It sounds so easy ... and yet it is so very challenging ...

Just Conni

Hiking Thoughts

Over 6 years ago my good friend and hiking partner passed away. It was a devastating loss in so many ways and I still miss her humor, strength and joy of life. Since her passing I have been trying to find someone who loves to, hike like I do. I have been unsuccessful int he attempts.

However this week I found someone who wants to hike, someone I like and enjoy being with. We have scheduled a short starting hike in the next few weeks. It is one that I have hiked many times and really enjoy. I can hardly wait to share the experience with someone who has not had the chance yet.

So during the upcoming weeks I will continue to try to get my lungs back working again so I can hike and enjoy it. Perhaps it will be good to have a concrete goal to work for .... I am sure that will that will make my lungs cooperate ....

Right?

Just Connie

Grief

I stood there in disbelief and stared at the phone. "Could you please repeat that" I asked the Fire Chief? But the words were still the same ... I was being asked to respond to a cardiac arrest of a friend of mine.

I threw on my clothes, and began the sad, much too long drive to their house as I prayed for the words, the strength and the wisdom I would need in the coming hours. Over the next 7 hours, I prqyed, I cried and I just ministered in any way that I could. As I kissed everyone goodbye, my heart broke for the tough journey that lay ahead for all of us.

As I drove away, the tears began in earnest as I was flooded with grief. How I loved and respected this family. Their godliness, the dedication to personal growth and the great love they showed so willingly to me over the years.

So today, I grieve. I feel the feelings and allow God to comfort my heart. God is big enough for this and it is not goodbye to my friend. It is only "until we meet again".

Tomorrow, there is new life and new hope.

Just Connie

Finally

Finally! Improvment! My lung function test Has crept into the green zone for the first time in over a month. What that means is that my lungs are finally working at 80% or higher. I am thrilled and it is amazing what 30-40 points can do in terms of how I feel. I can tell a difference.

I am still over 100 points below my norm ... But I am thrilled to be moving in the right direction. So I will work on keeping it going in the right direction and doing all the things I am supposed to be doing. I have so much I want to get done this week and I know that improving lung function will provide me with more energy to "get er done"

So breathing better and life is looking up .. What more could I ask for today?

Just Connie

Vacation

One of the things that I have struggled with since being on my own is vacations. It is not that I do not want to take a vacation, it is that I do not want to go by myself. It is the same issue I have faced with hiking and backpacking. I need people of like interests to go with.

I broached  the subject of a joint vacation with my mom and dad recently to my mother. We have been batting some different ideas around. At this point I think we are going to take a car vacation around Oregon. We could go at our own pace and get out and walk a lot which is what both dad and I need.


 of getting out of the routine. Now I just have to figure out if I can afford it. Which is the other issue with vacations. That pesky money problem. but I have 4 weeks of vacation that I need it take before the end of June. So I need to get moving and plans some time off.

Now if I could just find a solution to finding a hiking and backpacking partner ....

Just Connie

Optimism

By nature I am an optimistic person. By nurture I am an optimistic person since I was fortunate be raised in an optimistic, positive household. The outcome of that is that I seldom struggle with discouragement.

But very once in a while it happens.  I have  been working hard through this latest asthma crisis to keep moving and to work towards complete wellness. Part of my strategy is attending the Fire department yoga classes. My thought is that if I at least stay stretched than I will be that much farther ahead in my recovery. So for three weeks I have drug myself to classes and wheezed, coughed and somehow made it to the end expecting that the next class would be better.

And yet tonight expecting to be better ... I was not. I laid there and wheezed and coughed my way through class. As I laid there on my mat I was flooded with discouragement. How could I not be better than this? But yet it is what it is ... And I realize that discouragement does not move me ahead. So I am making a choice to focus on the improvements that I have made and not on what has not happened yet.

Because optimism is always the better choice and there are better things ahead. ...

Just Connie

Update

Improvement! That is a good feeling. I could tell I was breathing some better as I prepared to head to the Dr's office. So I was pretty confident as I greeted him with "I am better". As he listened to my lungs, he smiled and said, "You are moving more air in your lungs, but you still have a lot of wheezing." That was so good to hear and especially to see the smile instead of the frown, shaking head and muttering I was getting the day before.

So I left with yet another steroid shot, still dragging the oxygen bottle but I left to head home and that was feeling pretty good to me.

And I am soooo ready to feel better ....

Just Connie

Breathless ....

I sat on the examining table listening to  whistling and wheezing that seemed to be coming ... from me! I looked up to see my Dr shaking his head and muttering, "I am not happy with this." Before I knew it I was on oxygen, getting yet another steroid shot and told to sit back and relax. For the next two hours they worked on stabilizing my breathing.

As I waited, the cry of my heart was, "No hospital, no hospital." Every once in a while the Dr would come in and check on me and walk out shaking his head. But finally he came in and sat down and said, "I think you would benefit from a couple of days in the hospital." I of course countered with, "How about 24 hours to see if this treatment works?" He sat there and looked at me for a long time and finally said, "Would you call the ambulance, if there was any change?" At that point I would have promised most anything if it actually got me home. And then he gave me the "bad news" the oxygen needed to go home with me. But still ... I was going home and not headed to the hospital in the ambulance.

So I left the Dr's office, dragging an oxygen bottle, with yet another steroid shot, a prescription for oral steroids, new drugs for the every two hour nebulizer treatments and the demand that I present myself at his office the next morning.

Being the eternal optimist  and a person of faith at this point is helping me. I truly expect to be better when I go back to the Dr. and of course I have shared it with the prayer chain and have a hot of people praying for God to heal me.

And prayer changes everything ....

Just Connie

Breathe ...

Breathe in .... breathe out ... it sounds so simple. Yet for the past two week it has been a huge challenge for me. Asthma has once again reared it's ugly head. It is a very strange feeling to try to draw breath into your lung and yet cannot. I am always so sure that it is mind over matter .... yet still my lungs do not cooperate, even when I willed it otherwise.

But not wanting anyone to freak out and worry I made the decision to not tell people about what was going on. I was very sure that I could nip this in the bud and be on the road to recovery before anyone knew I was even struggling.

Wanting to be proactive this go around and not end up in the hospital. I headed to the doctor after a week of declining lung function. I had a little wheezing but nothing critical and I felt that I was being a bit hyper-vigilant to go in that soon. He gave me a steroid shot, put m back on nebulizer treatments and sent me on my way. Two days later I called him and gasped out that I was worse .... so of course that meant another trip in to see him, more discussions about hospitalization and more drugs.

It was as I was driving home from the Dr's office that it dawned on me I had made a bad decision. By not telling people that I was struggling with my asthma, I was robbing myself of the prayer support I would have had if they had known. I as even robbing them of the blessing of praying for me and offering support.

So that night I messaged several people to let them know about what was going on. And Sunday morning I stood before the congregation and told them I had been wrong. It was hard to do, but it was important for them to hear it and it was important for me to say it.

I am going to strive to do better about sharing my needs, about sharing my life in meaningful ways. That is what real life is all about....

and after all ... my children are always telling me to get a life.