Over the past few days my lungs have been getting worse. Bad enough that I got a very kind lecture from my doctor this morning about pushing too hard. He asked me to contact my Pulmunologist and let him know I was worse. I did as requested and got news that I did not want to hear ... Go to the ER. Of course I did not think I was bad enough, so I texted my family doctor who said ... Go to the ER. Being stubborn, I headed to the fire station. And within minutes they were putting in an IV, had me on breathing treatments and were rolling a gurney in.

I have to admit my breathing was fast and shallow and I felt horrible but whether I thought I was that bad or not I was soon at the hospital. In minutes they had me stripped down, x-rayed, blood drawn and continual breathing treatments being administered.

It was during one of the breaks in treatment that I received the call from the home health care nurse to schedule my gamma globulin infusions. The infusions that are supposed  to save my life and get me off this crazy rollercoaster I have been on.  They calmly told me that the earliest they could come out was Christmas week.   I stammered and stuttered and finally asked to be put on a cancellation list and slowly hung up. And like any rational adult ... I laid there and cried.

I looked at all the tubes in my body, felt my lungs struggling for air and thought for the first time, "I am going to die before they can get treatment going," I kept telling myself to focus on the task at hand ... Breathe in .... Breathe out. But while I was doing that I texted my family doctor with the news, who told me to tell the immunologist what was going on. So I did send a message but everything in me knew that there was nothing he could do.

Everytime I thought about it, I cried even after I was allowed to go home. I couldn't talk about it and knew that if I was fearful, others would be as well. I needed to find that center of peace that has been sustaining me. But I could feel the darkness beating on me.

Just a little while ago the immunologist called me, he has been talking with the drug company and they are coming up with an alternative plan that will begin next week.  And at that moment everything changed. Hope and light streamed back into my life and brought that center of peace that has sustained me.

It has had me reflecting on everything that has happened today and several things have occurred to me. First of all, just because you cannot see or feel God working does not mean that he is not there. A reminder that He is always working on our behalf. Secondly, the reminder that emotions do not always tell us the truth. Sometimes they reflect what is happening physically .... Sometimes frankly, they are just skewed. And lastly, the light is always there. Waiting to dispel the darkness, I just have to take a step of faith into the light.

So tonight, I am taking a grateful step into the light ready to embrace what is ahead.

Just Connie