I think over the years I have gotten pretty good at accepting bad news. But sometimes the "news" brings a lot of unexpected emotion with it. It was that was for me late last night when I got the email I had been waiting for about my blood test results. The blood test that will tell me if I am gaining antibodies through the treatments I have been taking. The last two have been pretty disappointing, the very small gains had led my immunologist to increase treatment.
So after 4 weeks of increased treatment is was with excitement that I opened up the results, fully expecting to see big numbers, big gains ... And what I saw was ... 4 points. I gained 4 points! Not really believing that could be possible, I went back and looked up my last results and the one before it ... It was right I had gained 4 points.
The tears came as I began to contemplate what that meant. The possibility of yet another increase, or worse yet, adding yet another day of treatment, or a change in medication ... All of those are all too real possibilities. It is already fairly challenging to fit life into my treatment schedule, the thought of adding more is a bit overwhelming.
But I guess I need to try to keep it in perspective. I think back to my meeting with my pulmunologist last Fall when he looked me in the eye and said, "Right now you are dying". I have made improvements since then and I know I am doing better. I am not fighting a constant round of back to back infections. They are working hard to get me off the steroids I hate so much. And I am currently pneumonia free. All good things. But yet my numbers are still too low. They are not in therapeutic range.
So I am going to try and find peace as I wait for the expected call from my immunologist over the next couple of days. He will have a plan and I know there are things we can yet do. I just wish ... In my heart of hearts that the numbers had come up as expected.
So I am praying ... for answers, for peace, for wisdom from my dog chorus. But most of all for a joyful accepting heart for this journey.
Just Connie
No comments:
Post a Comment