Tonight I get a chance to publically humiliate myself. I think it is important for everyone to have the chance to do so every once in a while. It really ensures that your head does not get too big and you do not take yourself too seriously. This opportunity for self abasement comes from my daughter. Isn’t that thoughtful of her? When she first suggested that we take a class together I was very excited. I was even more excited when she thought we could take a dance class together …. a tap class. Hey, I know how to tap dance. Of course it has been 35 years and unmentionable pounds ago that I did so, but I could do that.
Well, I thought so … right up until the night we went for the preview class. I have never felt so uncoordinated, gawky and ridiculous. I went from thinking that I was a graceful confident athlete, to knowing that I was a handicapped spastic girl. Tonight I get to see just how bad it is.
I have a feeling that this will be very good for me. I also have the feeling that I will embarrass myself multiple times during the evening. It will also be wonderful to spend time with my talented beautiful daughter. I have decided that my goal tonight is Song of Solomon 7:1
“How beautiful your sandaled feet, O prince's daughter! Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of a craftsman's hands.”
Unfortunately it will probably be more like Groucho Marx. Regardless of my dignity, I am looking forward to love and laughter and the joy of time spent with my daughter. With any luck there will be no film at 11.
Just Connie
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Grandma's Things
Yesterday we went through Grandma’s things. My family is very civilized about it. We draw numbers and everyone takes their turn choosing an item of Grandma’s that is meaningful to them. I was blessed, challenged and grieved. I found it to be a very difficult process.
I was blessed to remember moments with my grandmother and to pick up and touch things that took me back to years gone by. There were things that reminded me of love and laughter and the sheer joy of spending time with her.
I was challenged to try to quantify what I “wanted”. Well what I wanted wasn’t possible and Grandma’s belonging’s were a poor second. And sometimes I just wandered around and touched things unable to force myself to choose,
And then there is the grieved part. There were times that I was just overwhelmed. I worked hard to try stay calm and tear-free so as to not cause my mother, sister or the others pain. But inside I was shrieking. I did not want to be doing this thing. I wanted to fling myself on Grandma’s bed and cry, while I breathed in her scent and wrapped her blankets around me. I wanted everyone else to go away and stop touching her things.
But instead, I took my turn and chose her satin covered pillow and held it to my face and remembered Grandma. I remembered her humor, her determination her independence and her love for all of us. I remembered the many ways that she shaped and changed my life.
29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:29-30
I am coming to realize that grief is a fairly selfish emotion. It is all about me and my loss. I really do not think that I want Grandma’s death to be about me. I need to look beyond myself and my loss. (I think I’ve heard me say that before) I want to live a life that reflects Grandma’s faith, her love and her vibrancy. That means I've got a whole lot of living to do and I guess it is time to start.
Just Connie
I was blessed to remember moments with my grandmother and to pick up and touch things that took me back to years gone by. There were things that reminded me of love and laughter and the sheer joy of spending time with her.
I was challenged to try to quantify what I “wanted”. Well what I wanted wasn’t possible and Grandma’s belonging’s were a poor second. And sometimes I just wandered around and touched things unable to force myself to choose,
And then there is the grieved part. There were times that I was just overwhelmed. I worked hard to try stay calm and tear-free so as to not cause my mother, sister or the others pain. But inside I was shrieking. I did not want to be doing this thing. I wanted to fling myself on Grandma’s bed and cry, while I breathed in her scent and wrapped her blankets around me. I wanted everyone else to go away and stop touching her things.
But instead, I took my turn and chose her satin covered pillow and held it to my face and remembered Grandma. I remembered her humor, her determination her independence and her love for all of us. I remembered the many ways that she shaped and changed my life.
29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:29-30
I am coming to realize that grief is a fairly selfish emotion. It is all about me and my loss. I really do not think that I want Grandma’s death to be about me. I need to look beyond myself and my loss. (I think I’ve heard me say that before) I want to live a life that reflects Grandma’s faith, her love and her vibrancy. That means I've got a whole lot of living to do and I guess it is time to start.
Just Connie
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Obedience & A Vow
Well here it is Sunday and that means that today’s post is this morning’s sermon. I am preaching through the Book of Acts and today we are looking at Chapter 7. To give some background information, Stephen has just been arrested by the Sanhedrin and basically accused of heresy. They actually ask him to respond to the charges. And he does! In fact it is the longest recorded sermon in scripture. He gives them the history of Israel and then wraps it up with this:
51"You stiff-necked people, with uncircumcised hearts and ears! You are just like your fathers:
You always resist the Holy Spirit! 52Was there ever a prophet your fathers did not persecute?
They even killed those who predicted the coming of the Righteous One. And now you have
betrayed and murdered him— 53you who have received the law that was put into effect through
angels but have not obeyed it."
Stephen plainly told them that God had provided for them time and time again and they turned from him. God’s faithfulness and man’s unfaithfulness. Let’s take a look at the law.
1. The Purpose of the Law
a. To reconcile an unholy people (all of mankind) to a holy God.
2. The Reality of the Law.
a. Mankind cannot follow the law successfully.
b. The law does not change the sinful nature of man
3. Jesus & the Law
a. Jesus by his own words came to fulfill the law. (Matthew 15:7)
b. Jesus wrapped up all the law into 2 statements:
Love the Lord your God & Love Other People (Matthew 37:40)
Conclusion: Stephen called these religious leaders uncircumcised. It was an offensive statement to people who were living by the letter of the law.
Circumcision was obedience and a vow; Obedience to what God had asked and a vow to live as his people. Today we are still called to obedience and a vow. Does that obedience and my vow make a difference in how I live…in what I think … in my attitudes and reactions? It should … if we could use this passage as a reminder of easy it is to follow the form and forget what is truly essential. It could be life changing … it should we life changing.
And Lord let the life changed start with me.
Just Connie
51"You stiff-necked people, with uncircumcised hearts and ears! You are just like your fathers:
You always resist the Holy Spirit! 52Was there ever a prophet your fathers did not persecute?
They even killed those who predicted the coming of the Righteous One. And now you have
betrayed and murdered him— 53you who have received the law that was put into effect through
angels but have not obeyed it."
Stephen plainly told them that God had provided for them time and time again and they turned from him. God’s faithfulness and man’s unfaithfulness. Let’s take a look at the law.
1. The Purpose of the Law
a. To reconcile an unholy people (all of mankind) to a holy God.
2. The Reality of the Law.
a. Mankind cannot follow the law successfully.
b. The law does not change the sinful nature of man
3. Jesus & the Law
a. Jesus by his own words came to fulfill the law. (Matthew 15:7)
b. Jesus wrapped up all the law into 2 statements:
Love the Lord your God & Love Other People (Matthew 37:40)
Conclusion: Stephen called these religious leaders uncircumcised. It was an offensive statement to people who were living by the letter of the law.
Circumcision was obedience and a vow; Obedience to what God had asked and a vow to live as his people. Today we are still called to obedience and a vow. Does that obedience and my vow make a difference in how I live…in what I think … in my attitudes and reactions? It should … if we could use this passage as a reminder of easy it is to follow the form and forget what is truly essential. It could be life changing … it should we life changing.
And Lord let the life changed start with me.
Just Connie
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The Valley
I used to love deer hunting with my father when I was young. I even liked getting up in the early hours of morning and chipping the ice off of the water bucket. Everything was fresh and new and wonderful to me.
There was one valley that we would walk through occasionally where the sage brush was higher than my head. As you were walking through, it was a fragrant world all of its own. But one time as I was walking I realized that I could not see the way out. It was an awful feeling to turn around and realize that for 360 degrees around me everything looked exactly the same. I finally decided to just keep moving ahead hoping to break through the end of the tall sage brush. I kept moving ahead and finally came to the end of the brush. I found a high spot and finally was able to orientate myself and meet up with my father.
I find a lot of similarities to my life now and that valley of tall sage. There are days like today when I cannot see out of this valley of loneliness and despair. Every way I look, seems the same and there is no clear path to follow. It would be so easy to give up and let this flood of emotions overwhelm me.
I guess this is when I find out what faith is all about. Faith is what will keep me moving when everything in me wants to quit. Faith is what will keep me pointed towards the goal when I do not feel joy in the journey. Faith is all that is required of me. It is what Jesus called calls me to.
For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith." Romans 1:17
When it comes right down to it, I really do not need to see my way out, I just need to have faith that He will not leave me alone in this valley. I need to continue this journey one step at a time.
Just Connie
There was one valley that we would walk through occasionally where the sage brush was higher than my head. As you were walking through, it was a fragrant world all of its own. But one time as I was walking I realized that I could not see the way out. It was an awful feeling to turn around and realize that for 360 degrees around me everything looked exactly the same. I finally decided to just keep moving ahead hoping to break through the end of the tall sage brush. I kept moving ahead and finally came to the end of the brush. I found a high spot and finally was able to orientate myself and meet up with my father.
I find a lot of similarities to my life now and that valley of tall sage. There are days like today when I cannot see out of this valley of loneliness and despair. Every way I look, seems the same and there is no clear path to follow. It would be so easy to give up and let this flood of emotions overwhelm me.
I guess this is when I find out what faith is all about. Faith is what will keep me moving when everything in me wants to quit. Faith is what will keep me pointed towards the goal when I do not feel joy in the journey. Faith is all that is required of me. It is what Jesus called calls me to.
For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith." Romans 1:17
When it comes right down to it, I really do not need to see my way out, I just need to have faith that He will not leave me alone in this valley. I need to continue this journey one step at a time.
Just Connie
Friday, March 27, 2009
Inferno
I’m mad … no, I am ANGRY! I can feel it pulsing inside. Red hot and burning, it is a wild fire struggling to be free. I want to lash out; I want to scream to the heavens, I want to tell this self involved moron in 500 different ways what I think. In fact I want God to bring down the lightening bolts. But luckily for my co-worker God holds back the lightening bolts and instead nudges me.
Anger in itself is not wrong. Emotions do not have a right or wrong value; they just are what they are. But what we do with the emotions, ah … that is where right and wrong come in. This is temptation at its fullest. Never argue with a professional communicator. They can call you an idiot in 10 different ways without you even realizing it, A really good communicator can call you an idiot in 10 different ways and have you thanking them for the input.
Temptation looms, totters and then dissipates and my hapless co-worker has no idea how close he came to the inferno. I wonder if I should put a fire extinguisher in my office?
"In your anger do not sin" Ephesians 4:26
Just Connie
Anger in itself is not wrong. Emotions do not have a right or wrong value; they just are what they are. But what we do with the emotions, ah … that is where right and wrong come in. This is temptation at its fullest. Never argue with a professional communicator. They can call you an idiot in 10 different ways without you even realizing it, A really good communicator can call you an idiot in 10 different ways and have you thanking them for the input.
Temptation looms, totters and then dissipates and my hapless co-worker has no idea how close he came to the inferno. I wonder if I should put a fire extinguisher in my office?
"In your anger do not sin" Ephesians 4:26
Just Connie
Thursday, March 26, 2009
My Friend Debbie
I missed Debbie today. My friend and hiking partner had put up a valiant fight against skin cancer. But her poor ravaged body could fight no longer. It has been several weeks now since she stepped into glory. I really thought that I was coming to grips with the reality of her death, but a casual question about her today took me by surprise. My eyes flooded with tears and I finally said, “I miss her”. I was surprised at the fresh stab of grief that overwhelmed me.
Grief is a strange emotion. It ebbs and flows… sometimes like a small brook pushing through the reeds and other times like wild flood waters threatening to destroy everything in it’s path.
I’m trying to stay out of the path of destruction. I know that I cannot avoid the flood water completely. I recognize that grief is a process and it will take time. I cannot shortchange the hurt I am experiencing and there are lessons to be learned right where I am.
Debbie and I spent considerable time talking about her life and her approaching death. One of the things she expressed to me over and over was that she wanted us to celebrate her life, not mourn her death. I am challenging myself to look past the loss and recognize the many ways that she enriched and changed my life.
“Weeping may last for the night time, but in the morning comes joy.” Psalm 30:5
I find myself longing for the morning.
Just Connie
Grief is a strange emotion. It ebbs and flows… sometimes like a small brook pushing through the reeds and other times like wild flood waters threatening to destroy everything in it’s path.
I’m trying to stay out of the path of destruction. I know that I cannot avoid the flood water completely. I recognize that grief is a process and it will take time. I cannot shortchange the hurt I am experiencing and there are lessons to be learned right where I am.
Debbie and I spent considerable time talking about her life and her approaching death. One of the things she expressed to me over and over was that she wanted us to celebrate her life, not mourn her death. I am challenging myself to look past the loss and recognize the many ways that she enriched and changed my life.
“Weeping may last for the night time, but in the morning comes joy.” Psalm 30:5
I find myself longing for the morning.
Just Connie
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Facing Friends & Facebook
Facebook has been an interesting phenomenon. I originally got drawn in to study it and see what application I could make of it for the Mission. But what I soon found was that I really enjoyed it. It gave me a chance to connect with people which at this point in my life was better for me than the isolation my grief built around me.
With Facebook, I am in constant contact with my niece, nephews, cousins and even my mother. I was even able to see the arrival of my great niece within minutes of her birth. (Pictures and video) I have been put back into contact with people I had lost track of over the years and school friends that I had almost forgotten. It has been a great addition to my evenings to check out what everyone is up to.
But as much as I enjoy it, I realize that this contact is rather superficial. I know that I am very careful to sanitize what I say on Facebook as it is a very public forum. I am sure that everyone else is doing the same thing. It is not the place to share your inner most thoughts. Facebook is purely what it says it is; a social network. In fact I think it is much like chatting around the water cooler used to be. It is casual conversation and a way to update others on the general happenings of your life.
So the question is … is that all we need? Is that all that is needed to keep me well balanced and happy,,,, just some general chatting around the cyber water cooler? I rather think that God intended for us to have some deeper interactions as well. I think we need people that know us inside and out. People that can hold us accountable, people that call us to a deeper relationship with Christ. I think Facebook is wonderful, but I cannot let it crowd out what I really need. I think I might need less Facebook and more face time.
With Facebook, I am in constant contact with my niece, nephews, cousins and even my mother. I was even able to see the arrival of my great niece within minutes of her birth. (Pictures and video) I have been put back into contact with people I had lost track of over the years and school friends that I had almost forgotten. It has been a great addition to my evenings to check out what everyone is up to.
But as much as I enjoy it, I realize that this contact is rather superficial. I know that I am very careful to sanitize what I say on Facebook as it is a very public forum. I am sure that everyone else is doing the same thing. It is not the place to share your inner most thoughts. Facebook is purely what it says it is; a social network. In fact I think it is much like chatting around the water cooler used to be. It is casual conversation and a way to update others on the general happenings of your life.
So the question is … is that all we need? Is that all that is needed to keep me well balanced and happy,,,, just some general chatting around the cyber water cooler? I rather think that God intended for us to have some deeper interactions as well. I think we need people that know us inside and out. People that can hold us accountable, people that call us to a deeper relationship with Christ. I think Facebook is wonderful, but I cannot let it crowd out what I really need. I think I might need less Facebook and more face time.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Food For Thought
Today I left work early so I could drive to a neighboring community and get dog food. Now it would seem that you could get dog food anywhere … right? No! Not necessarily so.
First of all I own two dogs. My little 10 pound terrier and my 120 pound sheep dog. As you might imagine, I go through a lot of dog food. To complicate things they both have food allergies. In fact, the last present my grandmother gave me was to spend the month and a half before her death, sneaking food to the terrier. The upshot was a $100 vet bill, a stack of medications and the stern reminder from the vet that I had to keep him on his diet. I had to laugh as I left the vet, to the very end my grandmother did what she wanted.
But on to the dog food. Over the years I have experimented with every possible brand of food. I was always looking for the brand that both dogs could eat so I did not have to separate their food bowls. I tried rice and veggies and special blends none of which worked. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that Farm Chow was the winner. Great! It is relatively inexpensive and you can buy it at the local feed store in 50 pound sacks.
It’s those 50 pound sacks that overwhelm me. I put if off as long as I can. But eventually it has to be done. Let me give you a short synopsis of what the process is.
I go to the feed store and pay for the food. They very willingly load it into the car for me. But then I have to unload it at home. I get out of the car and unlock the door to the house and open the patio door. I then grab the bag of food, crouch down and pull and bounce the 50 pounds of dog food onto my shoulder. Then I stand up and it is then that I feel every one of my years and every injury I have ever had. But I eventually make it upright. I find my balance and stagger across the garage, up the steps through the family room and out onto the patio. Then I carefully place the bag (okay I roll it off my shoulder and hope it drops in the right place) onto the rim of the feeding bin and hold it there with one hand while I fish for the knife with my other. I slice the end of the bag open and try to get more food in the bin than on the ground. Then I breathe a sigh of relief that I have a month before I have to go through the whole thing again.
Though the process is ridiculous, the reality is that it takes everything in me to get those sacks of food taken care of. And each time I wrestle with those sacks I am hit with a sense of loss that I am alone and it is one more thing that I alone am responsible for.
I think perhaps my perspective is skewed. Instead of seeing it through the perspective of loss, I think I should be looking at the accomplishment of getting it done and finding satisfaction in being fit and capable. I think I need to begin to find the satisfaction in where I am and the accomplishments to be found in each day. Isaiah 58:11 says:
“The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”
I think it is time to let the water flow.
Just Connie
First of all I own two dogs. My little 10 pound terrier and my 120 pound sheep dog. As you might imagine, I go through a lot of dog food. To complicate things they both have food allergies. In fact, the last present my grandmother gave me was to spend the month and a half before her death, sneaking food to the terrier. The upshot was a $100 vet bill, a stack of medications and the stern reminder from the vet that I had to keep him on his diet. I had to laugh as I left the vet, to the very end my grandmother did what she wanted.
But on to the dog food. Over the years I have experimented with every possible brand of food. I was always looking for the brand that both dogs could eat so I did not have to separate their food bowls. I tried rice and veggies and special blends none of which worked. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that Farm Chow was the winner. Great! It is relatively inexpensive and you can buy it at the local feed store in 50 pound sacks.
It’s those 50 pound sacks that overwhelm me. I put if off as long as I can. But eventually it has to be done. Let me give you a short synopsis of what the process is.
I go to the feed store and pay for the food. They very willingly load it into the car for me. But then I have to unload it at home. I get out of the car and unlock the door to the house and open the patio door. I then grab the bag of food, crouch down and pull and bounce the 50 pounds of dog food onto my shoulder. Then I stand up and it is then that I feel every one of my years and every injury I have ever had. But I eventually make it upright. I find my balance and stagger across the garage, up the steps through the family room and out onto the patio. Then I carefully place the bag (okay I roll it off my shoulder and hope it drops in the right place) onto the rim of the feeding bin and hold it there with one hand while I fish for the knife with my other. I slice the end of the bag open and try to get more food in the bin than on the ground. Then I breathe a sigh of relief that I have a month before I have to go through the whole thing again.
Though the process is ridiculous, the reality is that it takes everything in me to get those sacks of food taken care of. And each time I wrestle with those sacks I am hit with a sense of loss that I am alone and it is one more thing that I alone am responsible for.
I think perhaps my perspective is skewed. Instead of seeing it through the perspective of loss, I think I should be looking at the accomplishment of getting it done and finding satisfaction in being fit and capable. I think I need to begin to find the satisfaction in where I am and the accomplishments to be found in each day. Isaiah 58:11 says:
“The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”
I think it is time to let the water flow.
Just Connie
Monday, March 23, 2009
Alone
Loneliness is an odd feeling. It is like a wisp of fog. It wraps itself around you at unexpected moments. Sometimes in the midst of people and busyness , sometimes when I am all alone. It almost always assails me as I drive into the garage at night. It strikes me as if fresh and new, there is no pickup in the driveway, there is no one waiting for me inside… I am all alone.
I am seeking to learn how to navigate through this season of aloneness and to not be defeated by it. I am not sure that I always do that very well. My natural tendency is to hide by myself and grieve. But intellectually I know that doing so for very long will not help me and will actually make things worse.
I think that sometimes my heart and my mind are speaking different languages. My heart says, “Alone, empty, all by yourself.” My mind says, “God loves you, God will never leave you, you are not alone.” There is a such a dissonance between them at times.
I need to remember that what I feel is just what I feel. Emotions are not reality. Emotions are just that … emotions. I can feel them, experience them and recognize them for what they are. It is then that I can look for the lesson that God has for me in this moment.
I am seeking to learn how to navigate through this season of aloneness and to not be defeated by it. I am not sure that I always do that very well. My natural tendency is to hide by myself and grieve. But intellectually I know that doing so for very long will not help me and will actually make things worse.
I think that sometimes my heart and my mind are speaking different languages. My heart says, “Alone, empty, all by yourself.” My mind says, “God loves you, God will never leave you, you are not alone.” There is a such a dissonance between them at times.
I need to remember that what I feel is just what I feel. Emotions are not reality. Emotions are just that … emotions. I can feel them, experience them and recognize them for what they are. It is then that I can look for the lesson that God has for me in this moment.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Living an Amazing Life
Today's Sermon
On Sunday's I have been working my way through the book of Acts. This is an exciting book and today we are in Acts 6:8-15 .
8Now Stephen, a man full of God's grace and power, did great wonders and miraculous signs among the people. 9Opposition arose, however, from members of the Synagogue of the Freedmen (as it was called)—Jews of Cyrene and Alexandria as well as the provinces of Cilicia and Asia. These men began to argue with Stephen, 10but they could not stand up against his wisdom or the Spirit by whom he spoke.
11Then they secretly persuaded some men to say, "We have heard Stephen speak words of blasphemy against Moses and against God." 12So they stirred up the people and the elders and the teachers of the law. They seized Stephen and brought him before the Sanhedrin. 13They produced false witnesses, who testified, "This fellow never stops speaking against this holy place and against the law. 14For we have heard him say that this Jesus of Nazareth will destroy this place and change the customs Moses handed down to us."
15All who were sitting in the Sanhedrin looked intently at Stephen, and they saw that his face was like the face of an angel.
On Sunday's I have been working my way through the book of Acts. This is an exciting book and today we are in Acts 6:8-15 .
8Now Stephen, a man full of God's grace and power, did great wonders and miraculous signs among the people. 9Opposition arose, however, from members of the Synagogue of the Freedmen (as it was called)—Jews of Cyrene and Alexandria as well as the provinces of Cilicia and Asia. These men began to argue with Stephen, 10but they could not stand up against his wisdom or the Spirit by whom he spoke.
11Then they secretly persuaded some men to say, "We have heard Stephen speak words of blasphemy against Moses and against God." 12So they stirred up the people and the elders and the teachers of the law. They seized Stephen and brought him before the Sanhedrin. 13They produced false witnesses, who testified, "This fellow never stops speaking against this holy place and against the law. 14For we have heard him say that this Jesus of Nazareth will destroy this place and change the customs Moses handed down to us."
15All who were sitting in the Sanhedrin looked intently at Stephen, and they saw that his face was like the face of an angel.
Stephen was a man who lived an amazing life. In this passage we get a snapshot of him. We see in him character traits that enabled him to live this amazing life. Here are some of the traits that characterized his life.
1. He was full of God’s grace
2. He was full of God’s power
3. He was full of God’s wisdom
4. He accepted leadership & responsibility
5. He used his spiritual gifts, (did miraculous signs and wonders)
6, He did not run from opposition
7. He stood firm
8. He could verbalize what he had experience and what he knew about Christ.
9. His face outwardly gave evidence to his inward change.
Conclusion: What would be different if we were to live an Amazing Life? How would the world be impacted? Could it be that I need to stop being satisfied with just getting by and ”good enough” and strive to become everything that God created me to be?
Thought for Today
Amazing Lives are lived by ordinary people
enabled by an extraordinary God.
Just Connie
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Reflections
Today I sat and read through a folder stuffed full of papers that my mother found as she was going through my grandmother’s apartment. The folder is full of articles, letters and notes that I had written and sent to my grandmother. She had carefully saved them and put them away. I sat down and read through them all one by one. It gave me a snapshot of about a 15 year period of my life. I was surprised that there was so many things put away. I was also surprised at the emotions I felt as I slowly went through the papers.
I wanted to pick up the phone and call my grandmother. I wanted to ask her, why these letters, why these newsletters? What had made her so carefully select these and save them? Was there something special to her about these specific papers? And as I looked at the papers spread out before me, I was stricken once again with the reality of her death.
I am finding that it is in the small ways that I miss her. I seem better prepared for the big things, you know the expected things, but I seem to get sideswiped by the little everyday ways I miss her. Hearing a joke I know she would like. Picking up the phone to tell her something, reminding myself to tell her something I know she would find interesting. The stab of grief comes then fresh and strong.
Grief is becoming a familiar though uncomfortable visitor. I am trying to learn how to maneuver through all I am feeling and experiencing. I try to not spend too much time nurturing it. But I am convinced that the process I am walking through has value in itself. Recognizing that and liking the process are two different things. I believe that there will be things I learn and experience that will profoundly change me … in a good way.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,
who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
God is working for my good even now when my heart hurts. I guess it comes down to living like I believe it.
I wanted to pick up the phone and call my grandmother. I wanted to ask her, why these letters, why these newsletters? What had made her so carefully select these and save them? Was there something special to her about these specific papers? And as I looked at the papers spread out before me, I was stricken once again with the reality of her death.
I am finding that it is in the small ways that I miss her. I seem better prepared for the big things, you know the expected things, but I seem to get sideswiped by the little everyday ways I miss her. Hearing a joke I know she would like. Picking up the phone to tell her something, reminding myself to tell her something I know she would find interesting. The stab of grief comes then fresh and strong.
Grief is becoming a familiar though uncomfortable visitor. I am trying to learn how to maneuver through all I am feeling and experiencing. I try to not spend too much time nurturing it. But I am convinced that the process I am walking through has value in itself. Recognizing that and liking the process are two different things. I believe that there will be things I learn and experience that will profoundly change me … in a good way.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,
who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
God is working for my good even now when my heart hurts. I guess it comes down to living like I believe it.
Friday, March 20, 2009
A Desperate Aloneness
Easter is coming in just a few short weeks. I went out and bought sacks and sacks of candy, pretty tablecloths, napkins and everything that we would need for our annual Easter breakfast at the Mission.
For many that come to the Mission, holidays are especially hard. So we work hard to make holiday meals special and for every person to know that they are valued and loved. Easter has always been my favorite holiday at the Mission. It is the one time during the year when the executive staff get to serve the clients. We do not take any outside volunteers for Easter Breakfast. Instead the staff come in and prepare, cook, serve and clean a wonderful Easter meal for all those who come. I always look forward with anticipation to Easter.
But this year I found myself kind of dragging as I ran around and got the things we would need. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was bothering me. It finally dawned on me that I am not going to enjoy being alone for Easter. Though in the midst of such a busy day, how can I consider that alone? But the reality is that with my husband gone, everything feels like it changes. After church on Easter I will still go home to an empty house. There is a kind of desperate aloneness that I work very hard to not focus on. But it is there … creeping up on me, laying in wait for an unguarded moment.
It occurs to me that this is what the majority of the homeless are facing every day… a life of desperate aloneness. You know if nothing else, this gives me a first hand understanding of what they might be feeling. I rather think that if I think more of them and less of me Easter will be what it should be which is a celebration of the resurrected Christ. What better way to celebrate Easter than to let God resurrect poor broken me to new life and fresh hope.
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection
Philippians 3:10
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I live in a little farm cottage. It is a cute little house in a community that I have come to love. It is tucked away in the coast range, and has a tree farm right behind me. I get a lot of wildlife meandering through. Deer, turkey, skunks, even an occasional elk, bear or bob cat come through at times. I love the opportunity to see critters in action. Though, if I am honest I could do without the skunks.
One of the little drawbacks of my cottage is that it does not have central heating. When I tell people that, they look at me like I have lost my mind. They cannot conceive of a house today that does not have central heating. What it does have is two electric baseboard heaters in the front of the house and a pellet stove in the back of the house. The pellet stove does a great job of heating the house up when it is on. When it is not on, it can get chilly. One day last week when I woke up, my bedroom was 42 degrees!
The problem has been that I cannot get the stove to work. It just is not drawing enough oxygen to keep the fire going. I have done everything that I can think of to do. My father has worked on it. I have sought advice and it is still not working. My house is cold and it is NOT WORKING!
I am finding that this one circumstance (piled on top of other recent events) has been rather discouraging to me. I have to admit to feeling a bit of shame that I could let a stove overwhelm me. I am trying to be flexible. I spend evenings in my bedroom wrapped up in a blanket with my laptop on my lap. But I find little threads of resentment creeping in. “I am tired of being cold” “I am tired of this being so difficult” and “I am tired of being relegated to one room of my house”. Those are just some of the negative things I’ve been thinking.
The reality is that this is a pretty small problem. I work with the homeless everyday. Of all people I should be grateful to have a place to sleep and to call my own. I guess I need to look at the bigger picture and identify the many ways that God continues to show grace and love to me every day.
Tonight when I go home, I am going to turn the baseboard heaters up, put the space heater in the bedroom and enjoy having a warm cosy place to relax and be thankful for what I am being given.
One of the little drawbacks of my cottage is that it does not have central heating. When I tell people that, they look at me like I have lost my mind. They cannot conceive of a house today that does not have central heating. What it does have is two electric baseboard heaters in the front of the house and a pellet stove in the back of the house. The pellet stove does a great job of heating the house up when it is on. When it is not on, it can get chilly. One day last week when I woke up, my bedroom was 42 degrees!
The problem has been that I cannot get the stove to work. It just is not drawing enough oxygen to keep the fire going. I have done everything that I can think of to do. My father has worked on it. I have sought advice and it is still not working. My house is cold and it is NOT WORKING!
I am finding that this one circumstance (piled on top of other recent events) has been rather discouraging to me. I have to admit to feeling a bit of shame that I could let a stove overwhelm me. I am trying to be flexible. I spend evenings in my bedroom wrapped up in a blanket with my laptop on my lap. But I find little threads of resentment creeping in. “I am tired of being cold” “I am tired of this being so difficult” and “I am tired of being relegated to one room of my house”. Those are just some of the negative things I’ve been thinking.
The reality is that this is a pretty small problem. I work with the homeless everyday. Of all people I should be grateful to have a place to sleep and to call my own. I guess I need to look at the bigger picture and identify the many ways that God continues to show grace and love to me every day.
Tonight when I go home, I am going to turn the baseboard heaters up, put the space heater in the bedroom and enjoy having a warm cosy place to relax and be thankful for what I am being given.
"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful"
Colossians 4:2
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Stress and Patience
There are some days that by the end of the day there are more tasks left to accomplish than there are hours left to get them done. Today has been one of those days, I have been writing and proofing and trying to meet multiple project deadlines. I feel that I am only getting a fraction done that I need to get done. The projects pile up and there is research to do, grants to write, a capital campaign to plan, sermons to write, music to prepare, events to plan, dogs to take care of, a bunny to herd, a house to clean, papers to file, meetings to attend, strategic planning to plan and somewhere in all of this, I actually will sleep.
During times like this I can feel the stress begin to build up. My neck gets tight, my stomach clenches and I get tunnel focus. I also seem to suffer from a lack of patience. Especially when dealing with interruptions to my day. telephone calls, people popping into my office, computer problems … all of which is pulling me from what I actually need to do.
It dawned on me as I felt the pressure building today that I was causing my own problem. Colossians 3:12 came to mind.
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved,
clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."
Less of me and more of Christ, that is the bottom line. It sounds so easy, but sometimes it is so hard. But I guess it comes down once again to the choices I make. Tonight I choose Christ.
During times like this I can feel the stress begin to build up. My neck gets tight, my stomach clenches and I get tunnel focus. I also seem to suffer from a lack of patience. Especially when dealing with interruptions to my day. telephone calls, people popping into my office, computer problems … all of which is pulling me from what I actually need to do.
It dawned on me as I felt the pressure building today that I was causing my own problem. Colossians 3:12 came to mind.
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved,
clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."
Less of me and more of Christ, that is the bottom line. It sounds so easy, but sometimes it is so hard. But I guess it comes down once again to the choices I make. Tonight I choose Christ.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Faith and Hope and Ministry
Several years ago, God brought me to the Free Methodist Church. I came in hesitantly with a lot of hurt beneath the surface. To my surprise I was welcomed and treated as if I had something to offer. Over the months I was thrilled to have opportunity to preach and then to teach. I could feel the hurt of rejection begin to fade as God opened up new doors for me.
In the months since then miraculous and heart breaking things have happened. I am now pastoring a Free Methodist Church in Gladstone. I am loving the challenge and the opportunity to preach. I believe that being a pastor is the best and hardest job in the world. But I am loving it and it has been a balm to my heart to be doing what I love.
In just two weeks I will meet with the board who is basically a credentials committee. They will examine my theology, my spiritual life and my call to ministry. I am also expecting that they will examine my personal life. I am nervous. My history at this point tells me to be nervous. Last time my husband left I was told “that for all intents and purposes I was of no further use to the Church of the Nazarene.” That rejection hung around me for 10 long years like a shroud. But over the last 4 years I have felt myself coming alive again. It has been a joy and a miracle. Now it all hangs in the balance Will Gerrald’s choices pull me out of ministry? Those choices have already cost me so much.
I don’t know. I recognize that it might. But it might not. And I guess when it comes right down to it, it will be up to God. If He wants me to continue in ministry then I will. I need to lay it down and trust in God’s sovereignty. I guess it is an act of faith. I am finding that living a life of faith is not always comfortable. But regardless of my comfort level, I still choose faith. My choice, my will.
In the months since then miraculous and heart breaking things have happened. I am now pastoring a Free Methodist Church in Gladstone. I am loving the challenge and the opportunity to preach. I believe that being a pastor is the best and hardest job in the world. But I am loving it and it has been a balm to my heart to be doing what I love.
In just two weeks I will meet with the board who is basically a credentials committee. They will examine my theology, my spiritual life and my call to ministry. I am also expecting that they will examine my personal life. I am nervous. My history at this point tells me to be nervous. Last time my husband left I was told “that for all intents and purposes I was of no further use to the Church of the Nazarene.” That rejection hung around me for 10 long years like a shroud. But over the last 4 years I have felt myself coming alive again. It has been a joy and a miracle. Now it all hangs in the balance Will Gerrald’s choices pull me out of ministry? Those choices have already cost me so much.
I don’t know. I recognize that it might. But it might not. And I guess when it comes right down to it, it will be up to God. If He wants me to continue in ministry then I will. I need to lay it down and trust in God’s sovereignty. I guess it is an act of faith. I am finding that living a life of faith is not always comfortable. But regardless of my comfort level, I still choose faith. My choice, my will.
Monday, March 16, 2009
God's Laughter
God laughed at me yesterday … It had been a long, rough couple of days. It began when I had a flat tire on the way to work on Friday. That was a bad start to my day, but the kicker came when I found out that they would not fix the flat. It seems that my tire was in too bad of shape to fix. What made it even worse is that my rig is an all wheel drive. You can’t buy just one tire on an all wheel drive. You have to buy four at a time. The price for 4 tires for my Toyota Rav 4 was breathtaking. At first I just stared at him. When the news sunk in, the tears began. I could not stop the flow. I stood there and cried as the poor man tried to ignore the flood of tears. I knew that there was not enough money in my accounts to do what needed to be done.To add insult to injury, I had to sign a waiver to leave the premises without the new tires. I headed back to the office and started trying to figure out how I was going to buy the tires.
The day looked up when mom and dad came to spend the night with me. Dad was trying to help get my pellet stove working. I do not have central heating in my little farm house. I am dependent on the pellet stove to heat the house.. I really enjoyed my time with them, but even Dad’s expertise could not get to the root of the problem with my stove. When we finally ran out of ideas, I waved goodbye to them. I was feeling a bit persecuted to be honest. So much has happened over the last month. Grammies death, Debs death, Marilyn’s death, Gerrald leaving, no heat, bad tires, ….. it just seemed that the list was growing and growing.
I tried to shake it off and spent a quiet evening preparing for Sunday. Sunday morning I popped out of bed and left home Sunday morning at my usual 7:00 to head to church. Just ten minutes from the house a rock kicked up by a passing car came crashing into my windshield. My heart pounded and I stomped on the brake and brought the car to a stop. I looked in disbelief at the three concentric circles in my windshield. Bigger than a softball, just above the steering wheel. My eyes filled with tears and I looked up at heaven and said, “Come on God ….give me a break here!” Suddenly it dawned on me ….. I think He just did. It was then that I distinctly heard God laugh. It is hard to remain defeated when God is laughing. So for today I am choosing laughter. Tomorrow, well tomorrow I get a new windshield.
The day looked up when mom and dad came to spend the night with me. Dad was trying to help get my pellet stove working. I do not have central heating in my little farm house. I am dependent on the pellet stove to heat the house.. I really enjoyed my time with them, but even Dad’s expertise could not get to the root of the problem with my stove. When we finally ran out of ideas, I waved goodbye to them. I was feeling a bit persecuted to be honest. So much has happened over the last month. Grammies death, Debs death, Marilyn’s death, Gerrald leaving, no heat, bad tires, ….. it just seemed that the list was growing and growing.
I tried to shake it off and spent a quiet evening preparing for Sunday. Sunday morning I popped out of bed and left home Sunday morning at my usual 7:00 to head to church. Just ten minutes from the house a rock kicked up by a passing car came crashing into my windshield. My heart pounded and I stomped on the brake and brought the car to a stop. I looked in disbelief at the three concentric circles in my windshield. Bigger than a softball, just above the steering wheel. My eyes filled with tears and I looked up at heaven and said, “Come on God ….give me a break here!” Suddenly it dawned on me ….. I think He just did. It was then that I distinctly heard God laugh. It is hard to remain defeated when God is laughing. So for today I am choosing laughter. Tomorrow, well tomorrow I get a new windshield.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Conflict Control
It's Sunday! That means it is time for today's sermon. The text is Acts 6:1-7
1In those days when the number of disciples was increasing, the Grecian Jews among them complained against the Hebraic Jews because their widows were being overlooked in the daily distribution of food. 2So the Twelve gathered all the disciples together and said, "It would not be right for us to neglect the ministry of the word of God in order to wait on tables. 3Brothers, choose seven men from among you who are known to be full of the Spirit and wisdom. We will turn this responsibility over to them 4and will give our attention to prayer and the ministry of the word."
5This proposal pleased the whole group. They chose Stephen, a man full of faith and of the Holy Spirit; also Philip, Procorus, Nicanor, Timon, Parmenas, and Nicolas from Antioch, a convert to Judaism. 6They presented these men to the apostles, who prayed and laid their hands on them.
7So the word of God spread. The number of disciples in Jerusalem increased rapidly, and a large number of priests became obedient to the faith.
Conflict Control
Here the new church is facing conflict from within. One group saying, "Hey what about me?" This passage gives us an outline we can follow in controlling and resolving conflict.
1. Recognize and identify the problem.
a. We cannot resolve what we do not see
b. We cannot resolve what we do not understand.
2. Refuse to give up the essential for the urgent.
a. identify what is essential ... the most important thing.
b. Do not allow loudness, annoyance factor or other non-essentials to determine the solution.
3. Resolve or remove the problem
a. Do what it takes to fix it!
4. Reap the results of resolution.
a. People will be freed to minister.
b. Needs will be met within the body.
c. People will be content and fulfilled.
d. People will come to Christ.
Conflict can rob us of time, energy, purpose and direction. It can control us or we can control it. Resolving conflict can be life changing for everyone involved.
1In those days when the number of disciples was increasing, the Grecian Jews among them complained against the Hebraic Jews because their widows were being overlooked in the daily distribution of food. 2So the Twelve gathered all the disciples together and said, "It would not be right for us to neglect the ministry of the word of God in order to wait on tables. 3Brothers, choose seven men from among you who are known to be full of the Spirit and wisdom. We will turn this responsibility over to them 4and will give our attention to prayer and the ministry of the word."
5This proposal pleased the whole group. They chose Stephen, a man full of faith and of the Holy Spirit; also Philip, Procorus, Nicanor, Timon, Parmenas, and Nicolas from Antioch, a convert to Judaism. 6They presented these men to the apostles, who prayed and laid their hands on them.
7So the word of God spread. The number of disciples in Jerusalem increased rapidly, and a large number of priests became obedient to the faith.
Conflict Control
Here the new church is facing conflict from within. One group saying, "Hey what about me?" This passage gives us an outline we can follow in controlling and resolving conflict.
1. Recognize and identify the problem.
a. We cannot resolve what we do not see
b. We cannot resolve what we do not understand.
2. Refuse to give up the essential for the urgent.
a. identify what is essential ... the most important thing.
b. Do not allow loudness, annoyance factor or other non-essentials to determine the solution.
3. Resolve or remove the problem
a. Do what it takes to fix it!
4. Reap the results of resolution.
a. People will be freed to minister.
b. Needs will be met within the body.
c. People will be content and fulfilled.
d. People will come to Christ.
Conflict can rob us of time, energy, purpose and direction. It can control us or we can control it. Resolving conflict can be life changing for everyone involved.
Thought For Today
Emotions should never control conflict
Christian character should always control conflict
Saturday, March 14, 2009
My Grandmother, My Friend
It has only been a few short weeks since my grandmother died. She had lived a long and full life. She lived her life her way and enjoyed her 100 years completely. At the time of her death she was still volunteering 5 days a week, still sharp and witty … still exercising in the nude …. yeah, she lived her life her way.
Grammies had been one of my best friends since childhood. We found in each other a kindred spirit. We shared the same mischievous humor and spent hours laughing at ourselves and just enjoying each other. Some of my earliest memories are of walking to the country store she owned and having lunch with her. As I got older I would get up an hour early to spend time with her before I caught the school bus each morning.
Much of who I am today I believe came from her. We tormented and teased the family together, encouraged each other, chided each other and loved each other lavishly.
The reality of her departure is more real every day. Sometimes the loss is gentled by the wonderful memories I have of her. Other times the loss is raw and hard edged. I am trying to remember what she added to my life, not what I have lost in her death. Some days I do better than others.
Over the years I watched and learned as she grieved the loss of her siblings and her friends. She taught me that the intense pain of grief fades in time. She also taught me that the job of those left behind is to live life to the fullest. The best memorial I could ever give to her is to live my life well and fully. I have a lot of living to do.
Grammies had been one of my best friends since childhood. We found in each other a kindred spirit. We shared the same mischievous humor and spent hours laughing at ourselves and just enjoying each other. Some of my earliest memories are of walking to the country store she owned and having lunch with her. As I got older I would get up an hour early to spend time with her before I caught the school bus each morning.
Much of who I am today I believe came from her. We tormented and teased the family together, encouraged each other, chided each other and loved each other lavishly.
The reality of her departure is more real every day. Sometimes the loss is gentled by the wonderful memories I have of her. Other times the loss is raw and hard edged. I am trying to remember what she added to my life, not what I have lost in her death. Some days I do better than others.
Over the years I watched and learned as she grieved the loss of her siblings and her friends. She taught me that the intense pain of grief fades in time. She also taught me that the job of those left behind is to live life to the fullest. The best memorial I could ever give to her is to live my life well and fully. I have a lot of living to do.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Love and Parents
Family …. can’t live with them and can’t live without them. Well actually I guess I have lived with them. In fact just recently I spent a month and a half with Mom and Dad and Grandma. It was a very unexpected visit, but when my life blew up around me, they welcomed me home with open arms.
It was such a relief to have someplace to go … someplace that I did not have to pack my suitcase everyday and look for somewhere else to stay the next night … someplace that was not the back seat of my car … even more someplace where people loved me. A place I could be real and honest and just be me. What could have been a very traumatic time for me instead was a warm loving time.
In hind sight I am very thankful for those last days with my grandmother. It was a gift to be able to spend her last weeks with her. Of course I didn’t know they were her last weeks. But I am grateful for the extra time we had to just be together.
Today my parents came and spent the night with me. It has been wonderful to have them here. Dad came to help me with the pellet stove. I have not had heat since I came back to the house a month ago. So my dad came to the rescue as he has so often throughout my life. We got covered with soot multiple times and took things apart and put them back together again. I am confident that he will have it working before he leaves tomorrow. But even if it does not work, I am so just so glad to have them here with me.
My parents are strong, loving and give of themselves so freely. I know they would do anything in their power to help me. They only want what is best and right for me. The encourage me to be everything that I can be, but yet accept me as I am with all of my quirks and faults.
I find that I hope two things. First of all, I want my parents to absolutely know how much I love them, how much I appreciate their sacrifices and how much I honor them and the lives they have lived. Secondly, I want to be that kind of parent to my children. I think that I have a lot left to learn.
It was such a relief to have someplace to go … someplace that I did not have to pack my suitcase everyday and look for somewhere else to stay the next night … someplace that was not the back seat of my car … even more someplace where people loved me. A place I could be real and honest and just be me. What could have been a very traumatic time for me instead was a warm loving time.
In hind sight I am very thankful for those last days with my grandmother. It was a gift to be able to spend her last weeks with her. Of course I didn’t know they were her last weeks. But I am grateful for the extra time we had to just be together.
Today my parents came and spent the night with me. It has been wonderful to have them here. Dad came to help me with the pellet stove. I have not had heat since I came back to the house a month ago. So my dad came to the rescue as he has so often throughout my life. We got covered with soot multiple times and took things apart and put them back together again. I am confident that he will have it working before he leaves tomorrow. But even if it does not work, I am so just so glad to have them here with me.
My parents are strong, loving and give of themselves so freely. I know they would do anything in their power to help me. They only want what is best and right for me. The encourage me to be everything that I can be, but yet accept me as I am with all of my quirks and faults.
I find that I hope two things. First of all, I want my parents to absolutely know how much I love them, how much I appreciate their sacrifices and how much I honor them and the lives they have lived. Secondly, I want to be that kind of parent to my children. I think that I have a lot left to learn.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Bath Night
Tonight was bath night. Bath night is a huge production in my house. You would think in this day of modern convenience that baths would be fairly standard, however when you have dogs, baths take on a new dimension.
I have one small 10 pound terrier and one 120 pound shaggy sheepdog. The terrier is fairly easy … well as long as he doesn’t see you coming. Because if he sees you coming then you have to chase him through the house and usually end up wedging yourself under the bed while you try to snag a growling angry ball of indignant fur. But the sheepdog, I don’t think that the term bath really conveys the whole picture. First of all finding something to bath in is problematic. She doesn’t fit in the shower, it is too cold to hose her off and she doesn’t fit in standard bath tubs. But in my little farmhouse we have an anomaly. We have this enormous tiled Jacuzzi bath that you could bath 3 or 4 people at a time in. So that means that there is just room for one large hairy sheepdog and me. I want you to picture an extra large bottle of shampoo, a 4 quart pitcher, gallons and gallons of water, a large dog who would rather be doing anything else and me.
First of all I had to drag 120 pounds of unwilling dog through the house to the bathroom and then climb in the bathtub full of water and say with authority, “Up Charlie”. (I watch the Dog Whisperer and I am the leader of my pack) she looked at me with disbelief and headed out of the bathroom. So I drug her in again and climbed back in the tub where I immediately slipped and fell full length into the tub of water. I looked up to see Charlie trying to make it out of the bathroom again. I immediately jumped out and took a large portion of the water in the tub with me and grabbed a handful of fur, backed up dragging the dog with me. I kept applying pressure and backing up until we both ended up in the tub. Me on the bottom and Charlie on the top. (she did not want to get wet) I pried myself out from beneath and began the long process of pouring water over the dog, pouring shampoo over the acres of dog and scrubbing and rinsing and scrubbing and rinsing.
In the end I had a very wet, but clean dog, a tub full of hair and dirty water, I was soaked, the bathroom flooded and I had more hair on me than the dog. With any luck she will refrain from wrestling with skunks, digging in the mud or doing doggie things for a few days.
I have one small 10 pound terrier and one 120 pound shaggy sheepdog. The terrier is fairly easy … well as long as he doesn’t see you coming. Because if he sees you coming then you have to chase him through the house and usually end up wedging yourself under the bed while you try to snag a growling angry ball of indignant fur. But the sheepdog, I don’t think that the term bath really conveys the whole picture. First of all finding something to bath in is problematic. She doesn’t fit in the shower, it is too cold to hose her off and she doesn’t fit in standard bath tubs. But in my little farmhouse we have an anomaly. We have this enormous tiled Jacuzzi bath that you could bath 3 or 4 people at a time in. So that means that there is just room for one large hairy sheepdog and me. I want you to picture an extra large bottle of shampoo, a 4 quart pitcher, gallons and gallons of water, a large dog who would rather be doing anything else and me.
First of all I had to drag 120 pounds of unwilling dog through the house to the bathroom and then climb in the bathtub full of water and say with authority, “Up Charlie”. (I watch the Dog Whisperer and I am the leader of my pack) she looked at me with disbelief and headed out of the bathroom. So I drug her in again and climbed back in the tub where I immediately slipped and fell full length into the tub of water. I looked up to see Charlie trying to make it out of the bathroom again. I immediately jumped out and took a large portion of the water in the tub with me and grabbed a handful of fur, backed up dragging the dog with me. I kept applying pressure and backing up until we both ended up in the tub. Me on the bottom and Charlie on the top. (she did not want to get wet) I pried myself out from beneath and began the long process of pouring water over the dog, pouring shampoo over the acres of dog and scrubbing and rinsing and scrubbing and rinsing.
In the end I had a very wet, but clean dog, a tub full of hair and dirty water, I was soaked, the bathroom flooded and I had more hair on me than the dog. With any luck she will refrain from wrestling with skunks, digging in the mud or doing doggie things for a few days.
Just Connie
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Today
Today, I spoke with my husband. My heart jumped when I heard his voice on the line. It quickly plummeted when we began discussing the “business” of the separation. The conversation was not long, it was polite and even kind, but I was stricken by a fresh sense of loss as I said good-bye.
So here I sit, with tears running down my face and I have to wonder why? Why is this so incredibly painful? Is it the loss of my dreams and plans for the future? Is it the loss of my partner and friend? In honesty I am having trouble identifying all of the ways this hurts me. I just know that it hurts in a way that makes it hard to see beyond the hurt.
I also have to admit to a nagging sense of shame. A shame that I try hard to deny, but it is there. It lies just under the surface ready to leap out in a vulnerable moment. My head tells me that there is nothing to feel shamed over. But my emotions scream, “Failure, failure failure!”
It gives me pause … this idea of failure. I don’t like it. But I can’t understand failure without defining success. Success is not perfection or the lack of mistakes. Success is following Christ and becoming the person He created me to be. I need to recognize that emotions are not right or wrong … they just are, what they are. Where there is loss there will be hurt.
Psalm 76:23 NIV
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
So do I dare to live in that strength? To acknowledge the hurt that makes “my heart and flesh fail” but to choose to go on? A purposeful act to walk into the future with my head held high? I think I will put my walking shoes on and find out.
So here I sit, with tears running down my face and I have to wonder why? Why is this so incredibly painful? Is it the loss of my dreams and plans for the future? Is it the loss of my partner and friend? In honesty I am having trouble identifying all of the ways this hurts me. I just know that it hurts in a way that makes it hard to see beyond the hurt.
I also have to admit to a nagging sense of shame. A shame that I try hard to deny, but it is there. It lies just under the surface ready to leap out in a vulnerable moment. My head tells me that there is nothing to feel shamed over. But my emotions scream, “Failure, failure failure!”
It gives me pause … this idea of failure. I don’t like it. But I can’t understand failure without defining success. Success is not perfection or the lack of mistakes. Success is following Christ and becoming the person He created me to be. I need to recognize that emotions are not right or wrong … they just are, what they are. Where there is loss there will be hurt.
Psalm 76:23 NIV
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
So do I dare to live in that strength? To acknowledge the hurt that makes “my heart and flesh fail” but to choose to go on? A purposeful act to walk into the future with my head held high? I think I will put my walking shoes on and find out.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
When Life Hurts
When life hurts my tendency is to treat the pain with a liberal application of doughnuts and then to go to bed. Right now, I would like to curl up with 2-3 dozen assorted doughnuts and then go to bed for at least a month. Of course the problem with that is when the sugar rush is over and I finally crawl out of bed, all of the hurt and loss is still there. My husband will still be gone, my beloved friends will still be dead.
So the question remains what do I do when life hurts? If sugar and avoidance doesn’t fix the hurt then what is the answer?
Tonight I was a part of the Mission graduation celebration. This event celebrates the achievements of those on the 12 month recovery program. As I watched and listened to their testimonies I was encouraged. They are in a daily process of overcoming deep hurts and large obstacles in their lives. I am privileged to watch them grow, learn and be transformed day by day.
I am growing to believe that there is great value in going through the process of grief. There is much to be learned in the times of hurt and loss. Perhaps instead of wanting to bypass this hurt, I need to embrace it and learn from it. Perhaps is a not so much what makes me comfortable ….. but more a matter of just letting it be what it is.
So the question remains what do I do when life hurts? If sugar and avoidance doesn’t fix the hurt then what is the answer?
Tonight I was a part of the Mission graduation celebration. This event celebrates the achievements of those on the 12 month recovery program. As I watched and listened to their testimonies I was encouraged. They are in a daily process of overcoming deep hurts and large obstacles in their lives. I am privileged to watch them grow, learn and be transformed day by day.
I am growing to believe that there is great value in going through the process of grief. There is much to be learned in the times of hurt and loss. Perhaps instead of wanting to bypass this hurt, I need to embrace it and learn from it. Perhaps is a not so much what makes me comfortable ….. but more a matter of just letting it be what it is.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Doing the Hard Stuff
I have such a clear picture of my wedding day. The sun was bright, the Fall air was crisp, the wind gently tugged on my veil and I can still remember making eye contact with my soon to be husband waiting for me under the archway. It was a perfect day and I can remember thinking that life was everything I had prayed for.
Today I met with a court clerk to go over all the paperwork for a legal separation. I cried through the entire appointment. In a few days the papers will be filed and the two month separation will be an indefinite legal reality.
I find that I am overwhelmed with a sense of failure and grief. Grief at the senseless loss of something wonderful. A sense of failure that I cannot fix this. It is completely out of my hands. Nothing I do will change this. The decision is out of my hands.
So how do I face this grief that is so paralyzing? 2 Corinthians 7:10 says this:
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
It reminds me that I need to strive to stay focused. Not on my sorrow or my loss, but on Christ. This grief can destroy me or it can strengthen me. That is a choice that is within my power to make.
Just Connie
Today I met with a court clerk to go over all the paperwork for a legal separation. I cried through the entire appointment. In a few days the papers will be filed and the two month separation will be an indefinite legal reality.
I find that I am overwhelmed with a sense of failure and grief. Grief at the senseless loss of something wonderful. A sense of failure that I cannot fix this. It is completely out of my hands. Nothing I do will change this. The decision is out of my hands.
So how do I face this grief that is so paralyzing? 2 Corinthians 7:10 says this:
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
It reminds me that I need to strive to stay focused. Not on my sorrow or my loss, but on Christ. This grief can destroy me or it can strengthen me. That is a choice that is within my power to make.
Just Connie
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Today's Sermon
I decided that for my blog on Sundays I would share my sermon outline. On Sunday mornings I have been preaching through the book of Acts. Today we were in Acts 5:17-42.
17Then the high priest and all his associates, who were members of the party of the Sadducees, were filled with jealousy. 18They arrested the apostles and put them in the public jail. 19But during the night an angel of the Lord opened the doors of the jail and brought them out. 20"Go, stand in the temple courts," he said, "and tell the people the full message of this new life."
21At daybreak they entered the temple courts, as they had been told, and began to teach the people.
When the high priest and his associates arrived, they called together the Sanhedrin—the full assembly of the elders of Israel—and sent to the jail for the apostles. 22But on arriving at the jail, the officers did not find them there. So they went back and reported, 23"We found the jail securely locked, with the guards standing at the doors; but when we opened them, we found no one inside." 24On hearing this report, the captain of the temple guard and the chief priests were puzzled, wondering what would come of this.
25Then someone came and said, "Look! The men you put in jail are standing in the temple courts teaching the people." 26At that, the captain went with his officers and brought the apostles. They did not use force, because they feared that the people would stone them.
27Having brought the apostles, they made them appear before the Sanhedrin to be questioned by the high priest. 28"We gave you strict orders not to teach in this name," he said. "Yet you have filled Jerusalem with your teaching and are determined to make us guilty of this man's blood."
29Peter and the other apostles replied: "We must obey God rather than men! 30The God of our fathers raised Jesus from the dead—whom you had killed by hanging him on a tree. 31God exalted him to his own right hand as Prince and Savior that he might give repentance and forgiveness of sins to Israel. 32We are witnesses of these things, and so is the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to those who obey him."
33When they heard this, they were furious and wanted to put them to death. 34But a Pharisee named Gamaliel, a teacher of the law, who was honored by all the people, stood up in the Sanhedrin and ordered that the men be put outside for a little while. 35Then he addressed them: "Men of Israel, consider carefully what you intend to do to these men. 36Some time ago Theudas appeared, claiming to be somebody, and about four hundred men rallied to him. He was killed, all his followers were dispersed, and it all came to nothing. 37After him, Judas the Galilean appeared in the days of the census and led a band of people in revolt. He too was killed, and all his followers were scattered. 38Therefore, in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. 39But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God."
40His speech persuaded them. They called the apostles in and had them flogged. Then they ordered them not to speak in the name of Jesus, and let them go.
41The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name. 42Day after day, in the temple courts and from house to house, they never stopped teaching and proclaiming the good news that Jesus is the Christ.
Everything had been going well for the apostles and the new church. People were coming to Christ, they were being healed and delivered. but then they were arrested and put in jail. Just when life was good .....
These are 10 things this passage teaches us when "Life Happens to Us"'
1. Where God is working, so is Satan.
2. Doing the right thing doesn't mean that bad things won’t happen.
3. When bad things happen, we still need to do the right thing.
4. When bad things happen, God still gives guidance to those who seek Him.
5. Obedience is better than sacrifice
6. God will bring unexpected allies in time of need.
7. Human plans, etc. will eventually fail on their own.
8. God’s truth stands forever.
9. There is often a cost to discipleship. (They were flogged)
10. They stayed focused on their goal.
It is so easy to get sidetracked when life happens. But the apostles kept doing what they had been called to do. They continued in faith living the life God had called them to. That is what all of us are called to do. Steps of faith into tomorrow.
Thought for Today
Life just happens but faith is a choice.
17Then the high priest and all his associates, who were members of the party of the Sadducees, were filled with jealousy. 18They arrested the apostles and put them in the public jail. 19But during the night an angel of the Lord opened the doors of the jail and brought them out. 20"Go, stand in the temple courts," he said, "and tell the people the full message of this new life."
21At daybreak they entered the temple courts, as they had been told, and began to teach the people.
When the high priest and his associates arrived, they called together the Sanhedrin—the full assembly of the elders of Israel—and sent to the jail for the apostles. 22But on arriving at the jail, the officers did not find them there. So they went back and reported, 23"We found the jail securely locked, with the guards standing at the doors; but when we opened them, we found no one inside." 24On hearing this report, the captain of the temple guard and the chief priests were puzzled, wondering what would come of this.
25Then someone came and said, "Look! The men you put in jail are standing in the temple courts teaching the people." 26At that, the captain went with his officers and brought the apostles. They did not use force, because they feared that the people would stone them.
27Having brought the apostles, they made them appear before the Sanhedrin to be questioned by the high priest. 28"We gave you strict orders not to teach in this name," he said. "Yet you have filled Jerusalem with your teaching and are determined to make us guilty of this man's blood."
29Peter and the other apostles replied: "We must obey God rather than men! 30The God of our fathers raised Jesus from the dead—whom you had killed by hanging him on a tree. 31God exalted him to his own right hand as Prince and Savior that he might give repentance and forgiveness of sins to Israel. 32We are witnesses of these things, and so is the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to those who obey him."
33When they heard this, they were furious and wanted to put them to death. 34But a Pharisee named Gamaliel, a teacher of the law, who was honored by all the people, stood up in the Sanhedrin and ordered that the men be put outside for a little while. 35Then he addressed them: "Men of Israel, consider carefully what you intend to do to these men. 36Some time ago Theudas appeared, claiming to be somebody, and about four hundred men rallied to him. He was killed, all his followers were dispersed, and it all came to nothing. 37After him, Judas the Galilean appeared in the days of the census and led a band of people in revolt. He too was killed, and all his followers were scattered. 38Therefore, in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. 39But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God."
40His speech persuaded them. They called the apostles in and had them flogged. Then they ordered them not to speak in the name of Jesus, and let them go.
41The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name. 42Day after day, in the temple courts and from house to house, they never stopped teaching and proclaiming the good news that Jesus is the Christ.
Everything had been going well for the apostles and the new church. People were coming to Christ, they were being healed and delivered. but then they were arrested and put in jail. Just when life was good .....
Life Happens
1. Where God is working, so is Satan.
2. Doing the right thing doesn't mean that bad things won’t happen.
3. When bad things happen, we still need to do the right thing.
4. When bad things happen, God still gives guidance to those who seek Him.
5. Obedience is better than sacrifice
6. God will bring unexpected allies in time of need.
7. Human plans, etc. will eventually fail on their own.
8. God’s truth stands forever.
9. There is often a cost to discipleship. (They were flogged)
10. They stayed focused on their goal.
It is so easy to get sidetracked when life happens. But the apostles kept doing what they had been called to do. They continued in faith living the life God had called them to. That is what all of us are called to do. Steps of faith into tomorrow.
Thought for Today
Life just happens but faith is a choice.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
2 weeks ago I lost my lifelong friend and confident, my grandmother. On the same day my husband went to live in another city. Today I officiated the memorial service and graveside for a close family friend. While I did that there was another memorial service going on for one of my closest friends and hiking partner.
Within the space of two weeks, the shape of my life has changed. My home life, my social life, my extended family ... is not just different, it is an alien and unwanted land. It is like going to sleep on a sunny beach and waking up on Mars.
As I stand on this new planet, I struggle with accomplishing the trip back home. I can see it, I know that it is possible .... but how do I make it happen? I don't like this planet I find myself on.
However, I recognize that my life is, what it is. I need to face that life is now different. I think it will be a day by day, moment by moment commitment. A commitment that only I can make. I believe that it will only happen in living faithfully. I believe that the trip back will be made in faithful confident steps.
"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
He will bring me through this. That confidence will enable me to live in hopeful expectancy for the future. Christ will get me home.
Within the space of two weeks, the shape of my life has changed. My home life, my social life, my extended family ... is not just different, it is an alien and unwanted land. It is like going to sleep on a sunny beach and waking up on Mars.
As I stand on this new planet, I struggle with accomplishing the trip back home. I can see it, I know that it is possible .... but how do I make it happen? I don't like this planet I find myself on.
However, I recognize that my life is, what it is. I need to face that life is now different. I think it will be a day by day, moment by moment commitment. A commitment that only I can make. I believe that it will only happen in living faithfully. I believe that the trip back will be made in faithful confident steps.
"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
He will bring me through this. That confidence will enable me to live in hopeful expectancy for the future. Christ will get me home.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Grief is rather like wearing clothes that are too small for you. I can’t get comfortable, it pinches, it constricts and it affects everything. It makes me feel ugly and unlovable. It fills me with guilt and it wraps its arms around me and squeezes ….. squeezing out purpose, squeezing out joy, squeezing out hope.
Well .... Grief is a liar. The pain of separation and loss are very real, but it does not end there. I cannot let it end there. Do I believe that God is who He says He is? Have I ever experienced His grace and love? Lately this verse is reverberating within me.
“And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work”. 2 Corinthians 9:8 NIV
This is God’s promise to me through this season of grief. He will give me the grace to see it through and the strength get it done. He will meet every need and even more He will fill my life with purpose and ministry. That is something to hold onto as I let the Light of His Word beat the darkness of despair away.
Just Connie
Well .... Grief is a liar. The pain of separation and loss are very real, but it does not end there. I cannot let it end there. Do I believe that God is who He says He is? Have I ever experienced His grace and love? Lately this verse is reverberating within me.
“And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work”. 2 Corinthians 9:8 NIV
This is God’s promise to me through this season of grief. He will give me the grace to see it through and the strength get it done. He will meet every need and even more He will fill my life with purpose and ministry. That is something to hold onto as I let the Light of His Word beat the darkness of despair away.
Just Connie
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Transitions
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There is so much swirling around inside of me. This is not how I planned my life, this is not what I ever wanted. This is not how it is supposed to be!
However, it is where I find myself. Some days the hurt, the loss seem to choke the very breath from me and I have to remind myself to breathe in ... breathe out.
So, where do I go from here? Well I guess I will only find out as I walk through the grief and hurt. To see what awaits me on the other side. I will discover joy again as I celebrate the journey along the way. I choose to believe that there is more than this. There is love and laughter and God's grace for even me. Life does not end here. God loves me, has a purpose for me.
Today I choose to live in hope.
Just Connie
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