Reflections

Today I sat and read through a folder stuffed full of papers that my mother found as she was going through my grandmother’s apartment. The folder is full of articles, letters and notes that I had written and sent to my grandmother. She had carefully saved them and put them away. I sat down and read through them all one by one. It gave me a snapshot of about a 15 year period of my life. I was surprised that there was so many things put away. I was also surprised at the emotions I felt as I slowly went through the papers.

I wanted to pick up the phone and call my grandmother. I wanted to ask her, why these letters, why these newsletters? What had made her so carefully select these and save them? Was there something special to her about these specific papers? And as I looked at the papers spread out before me, I was stricken once again with the reality of her death.

I am finding that it is in the small ways that I miss her. I seem better prepared for the big things, you know the expected things, but I seem to get sideswiped by the little everyday ways I miss her. Hearing a joke I know she would like. Picking up the phone to tell her something, reminding myself to tell her something I know she would find interesting. The stab of grief comes then fresh and strong.

Grief is becoming a familiar though uncomfortable visitor. I am trying to learn how to maneuver through all I am feeling and experiencing. I try to not spend too much time nurturing it. But I am convinced that the process I am walking through has value in itself. Recognizing that and liking the process are two different things. I believe that there will be things I learn and experience that will profoundly change me … in a good way.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,
who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

God is working for my good even now when my heart hurts. I guess it comes down to living like I believe it.