Today

Today, I spoke with my husband. My heart jumped when I heard his voice on the line. It quickly plummeted when we began discussing the “business” of the separation. The conversation was not long, it was polite and even kind, but I was stricken by a fresh sense of loss as I said good-bye.

So here I sit, with tears running down my face and I have to wonder why? Why is this so incredibly painful? Is it the loss of my dreams and plans for the future? Is it the loss of my partner and friend? In honesty I am having trouble identifying all of the ways this hurts me. I just know that it hurts in a way that makes it hard to see beyond the hurt.

I also have to admit to a nagging sense of shame. A shame that I try hard to deny, but it is there. It lies just under the surface ready to leap out in a vulnerable moment. My head tells me that there is nothing to feel shamed over. But my emotions scream, “Failure, failure failure!”

It gives me pause … this idea of failure. I don’t like it. But I can’t understand failure without defining success. Success is not perfection or the lack of mistakes. Success is following Christ and becoming the person He created me to be. I need to recognize that emotions are not right or wrong … they just are, what they are. Where there is loss there will be hurt.

Psalm 76:23 NIV
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

So do I dare to live in that strength? To acknowledge the hurt that makes “my heart and flesh fail” but to choose to go on? A purposeful act to walk into the future with my head held high? I think I will put my walking shoes on and find out.