It was a beautiful evening. There was a gentle breeze and the sky was filled with the hazy colors of dusk. Swallows were swooping and dipping in their evening aerobatics. I was filled with a sense of peace as I gazed at the purple tinted hills. I breathed the fragrant air in …… and out.
I think these moments are a special gift from God. In the midst of hurt, problems and struggle we are given these moments to remind us that God is still on his throne and is still in control.
These past months I have struggled to find a sense of balance in my life. So often I have felt like I am hanging on to the edge of the cliff by my fingertips. Moments like tonight, gives me a renewed sense of purpose and peace.
So I will let this peace quiet my fears, soften the edges of my grief and give me comfort. I will accept this moment as the gift it is.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber Psalm 121:1-3
Just Connie
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Lazy Day
This has been a rather lazy day. I have worked outside a little bit, done a little bit of house work and napped a little bit. Luckily I did not have anything pressing that I had to accomplish today. but I can see where this kind of open schedule would not be a good thing if it were to go on indefinitely. I am not getting much done except sleep.
I did get my materials today for Vacation Bible School which is coming up in a couple of weeks. I have not been involved with a VBS since I was at Mt Scott about 12 years ago. I think it will be fun. They would also like me to do music. So I will do my best. I have to learn the music, which means I need a piano to pick out the parts. I have gotten lazy over the years I guess. I have not had much opportunity to practice my music skills over the past 10 years. So I really need to kick things up a notch.
This weekend is 4th of July. Willamina has a big country celebration on the 4th. There are community picnics and music, a parade and fireworks, it is lots of fun. The church has a booth selling elephant ears and I will help with the clean up for that.
My husband and I usually were on vacation for the 4th July. I am trying hard to not focus on his absence and to make sure that I have things to do to keep me busy. But I have to admit to some sadness lurking around the edges of my busyness.
I know that God is sufficient for this time of transition. He is sufficient for my sadness and loss. He is sufficient for my lack of schedule and every other thing I am facing. But it is up to me to take advantage of His all surpassing goodness. I need to rest in that grace and let His love continue to restore me.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
Just Connie
I did get my materials today for Vacation Bible School which is coming up in a couple of weeks. I have not been involved with a VBS since I was at Mt Scott about 12 years ago. I think it will be fun. They would also like me to do music. So I will do my best. I have to learn the music, which means I need a piano to pick out the parts. I have gotten lazy over the years I guess. I have not had much opportunity to practice my music skills over the past 10 years. So I really need to kick things up a notch.
This weekend is 4th of July. Willamina has a big country celebration on the 4th. There are community picnics and music, a parade and fireworks, it is lots of fun. The church has a booth selling elephant ears and I will help with the clean up for that.
My husband and I usually were on vacation for the 4th July. I am trying hard to not focus on his absence and to make sure that I have things to do to keep me busy. But I have to admit to some sadness lurking around the edges of my busyness.
I know that God is sufficient for this time of transition. He is sufficient for my sadness and loss. He is sufficient for my lack of schedule and every other thing I am facing. But it is up to me to take advantage of His all surpassing goodness. I need to rest in that grace and let His love continue to restore me.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
Just Connie
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Sunday Musings
I began my new ministerial assignment today. It was so good to be at the Willamina Church. Everyone seemed happy to see me and excited to have me there. What a blessing to be with people who love me. It warmed my heart and made me feel very welcome.
It was a very relaxed morning. My biggest responsibility was to report on the conference and my ordination. It felt good to sit back and let someone else drive for the day. It was a wonderful time of worship.
The only downside was that people were asking about my husband Gerrald. I wanted to weep and wail. I finally just told people that asked that we were separated. Gerrald … that is a hurt I have been pushing away for 3 days.
I got official notice when I got home yesterday. We are now legally separated. It was final on Thursday. I am very glad to have that hurdle behind me. I am thankful for the protection that this separation brings. I spoke to Gerrald on Thursday and he got very angry with me. In fact when I quietly told him that if he was going to yell at me I was going to say goodbye, he hung up on me. I cried for hours. It really highlighted how important this separation is. The reality is that his anger frightens me and that makes me so incredibly sad.
I will not live in fear any longer. I will no longer live in the emotional turmoil that his drinking and his volatile responses. I choose to live without shame and secrets and fear. I am trying hard to keep that in front of me so that it will help give me perspective.
I realize that there will be ups and downs in the days ahead. There will be struggle and heartache, but there will also be joys and triumphs. I guess that is what life is really all about. I am confident that I do not walk this path alone.
“Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.” Isaiah 51:11
Today had joy and sorrow however I choose to focus on the joy. I will let the joy chase the sorrow away.
Just Connie
It was a very relaxed morning. My biggest responsibility was to report on the conference and my ordination. It felt good to sit back and let someone else drive for the day. It was a wonderful time of worship.
The only downside was that people were asking about my husband Gerrald. I wanted to weep and wail. I finally just told people that asked that we were separated. Gerrald … that is a hurt I have been pushing away for 3 days.
I got official notice when I got home yesterday. We are now legally separated. It was final on Thursday. I am very glad to have that hurdle behind me. I am thankful for the protection that this separation brings. I spoke to Gerrald on Thursday and he got very angry with me. In fact when I quietly told him that if he was going to yell at me I was going to say goodbye, he hung up on me. I cried for hours. It really highlighted how important this separation is. The reality is that his anger frightens me and that makes me so incredibly sad.
I will not live in fear any longer. I will no longer live in the emotional turmoil that his drinking and his volatile responses. I choose to live without shame and secrets and fear. I am trying hard to keep that in front of me so that it will help give me perspective.
I realize that there will be ups and downs in the days ahead. There will be struggle and heartache, but there will also be joys and triumphs. I guess that is what life is really all about. I am confident that I do not walk this path alone.
“Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.” Isaiah 51:11
Today had joy and sorrow however I choose to focus on the joy. I will let the joy chase the sorrow away.
Just Connie
Saturday, June 27, 2009
An Incredible Day
Yesterday was incredible. My ordination last night was everything that I hoped it would be. It was a sacred time of commitment and affirmation. I am so grateful for a denomination that recognizes the call and offers a place of ministry so freely.
It was especially meaningful to have my parents and daughter there. They have walked with me these past years and their joy for me was evident. I am grateful for the unqualified love and support. It made the ceremony even more meaningful to have them with me.
There were also many of the people from the Willamina congregation who came to share this special time with me. It made me feel loved and welcomed to have them travel all that way to be there with me. I am so looking forward to serving in Willamina and being with people who love me and are glad that I am coming.
As I knelt in front of my colleagues and friends I was humbled by the opportunity to serve. As my fellow elders gathered around and prayed for me, I had a sense of the generations of ministers who had made this same commitment and vow before me. What a wonderful heritage, it gives me a goal for the future.
“devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching. 14Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through a prophetic message when the body of elders laid their hands on you.” 1 Timothy 4:13-14
I am looking forward to tomorrow. It will be my first day at the Willamina Church as one of their pastors. I think God will do great things in the days ahead. I also think it will take everything I am. I also think that is a very good thing.
Just Connie
It was especially meaningful to have my parents and daughter there. They have walked with me these past years and their joy for me was evident. I am grateful for the unqualified love and support. It made the ceremony even more meaningful to have them with me.
There were also many of the people from the Willamina congregation who came to share this special time with me. It made me feel loved and welcomed to have them travel all that way to be there with me. I am so looking forward to serving in Willamina and being with people who love me and are glad that I am coming.
As I knelt in front of my colleagues and friends I was humbled by the opportunity to serve. As my fellow elders gathered around and prayed for me, I had a sense of the generations of ministers who had made this same commitment and vow before me. What a wonderful heritage, it gives me a goal for the future.
“devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching. 14Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through a prophetic message when the body of elders laid their hands on you.” 1 Timothy 4:13-14
I am looking forward to tomorrow. It will be my first day at the Willamina Church as one of their pastors. I think God will do great things in the days ahead. I also think it will take everything I am. I also think that is a very good thing.
Just Connie
Friday, June 26, 2009
Ordination Day
This is an important day for me. It is my ordination day, the day when my chosen denomination will publically recognize my call to ministry. They will stand and affirm that I have the gifts and graces for ministry. My fellow ministers will stand and affirm my call. It will be a sacred moment and one that I have long waited for.
I first received the call to ministry when I was in college. When I came home and told my parents my father said, “Don’t come home and preach at me.” My mother said, “I am so thankful. I was afraid you would go oversees to be a missionary.” But they have always supported me and always encouraged me as I have struggled to fulfill that call over the years.
As a wife and mother I searched to find the balance that can so often be missing in a minister’s family. As a pastor of a Nazarene Church I was comfortable and excited about where God had brought me. Then my husband left and I found that I no longer had a place of ministry in the Church of the Nazarene. That rejection shook me to the core. It caused me to question my call, my spiritual life and every aspect of who I was.
I found a place of ministry with a Rescue Ministry and received ministerial licensing with a non-denominational organization. But I missed the affirmation and support of a denominational structure. I struggled to find a place of comfort as a lay member of a congregation and did not seem to fit in anywhere.
About 5 years ago God brought me to a Free Methodist Church in Willamina. Little by little the pastor encouraged me to preach and teach and to meet with the denominational leaders to talk about ordination. When my fear of rejection held me back, he kept encouraging me forward. The day came when I took huge step of faith and went to see the conference superintendent. I was stunned when he told me I was welcome and I would find a place of ministry with them.
I have found a place of ministry with the Free Methodist Church. I have found the leadership to be godly and the people are loving and warm. I am humbled and amazed to find myself where I am. I am so grateful to be given a place to serve. I am looking forward with anticipation and joy to serving in the years ahead.
2Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. I Timothy 4:2
Just Connie
I first received the call to ministry when I was in college. When I came home and told my parents my father said, “Don’t come home and preach at me.” My mother said, “I am so thankful. I was afraid you would go oversees to be a missionary.” But they have always supported me and always encouraged me as I have struggled to fulfill that call over the years.
As a wife and mother I searched to find the balance that can so often be missing in a minister’s family. As a pastor of a Nazarene Church I was comfortable and excited about where God had brought me. Then my husband left and I found that I no longer had a place of ministry in the Church of the Nazarene. That rejection shook me to the core. It caused me to question my call, my spiritual life and every aspect of who I was.
I found a place of ministry with a Rescue Ministry and received ministerial licensing with a non-denominational organization. But I missed the affirmation and support of a denominational structure. I struggled to find a place of comfort as a lay member of a congregation and did not seem to fit in anywhere.
About 5 years ago God brought me to a Free Methodist Church in Willamina. Little by little the pastor encouraged me to preach and teach and to meet with the denominational leaders to talk about ordination. When my fear of rejection held me back, he kept encouraging me forward. The day came when I took huge step of faith and went to see the conference superintendent. I was stunned when he told me I was welcome and I would find a place of ministry with them.
I have found a place of ministry with the Free Methodist Church. I have found the leadership to be godly and the people are loving and warm. I am humbled and amazed to find myself where I am. I am so grateful to be given a place to serve. I am looking forward with anticipation and joy to serving in the years ahead.
2Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. I Timothy 4:2
Just Connie
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The Phone Call
Today or tomorrow the legal separation will be final. I am glad to have this legal stuff behind me so I can continue to heal and move into the future. I have so many emotions about this and such sorrow. The depth of my sorrow surprises me after 7 months of separation. But I believe that this legal separation is the right thing. I do not think I have a choice. I think it brings a legal and emotional protection that I would not otherwise have.
I was doing pretty good with the whole separation today … and then my husband called. I did okay with it for a while. Right up until he told me quietly that he missed me. I struggled to try to find the right thing to say. I did not know what to say. I did not want to tell him how much I missed him and how much I did not miss his behaviors. I found that I did not want to get into it at all. I knew that it would not make any difference at all and would do nothing but upset both of us.
Sigh …. I am not sure how to maneuver through this. I do not how to handle his loneliness. I can barely handle my own loneliness and sadness. But I guess the reality is that he should be sad. He should be sad that he walked away from our marriage once again. He should be sad that he chose a can of beer over his wife yet again. I think that loneliness is a normal consequence of his choices.
The reality is that I love him but I do not love his behavior and the abuses of the past years. I do not think I can do anything about his loneliness. In fact I think that it is important for him to feel the consequences of his choices. I need to somehow find a balance that does not rip my heart up in the process.
I am not sure what that balance is. I guess that will be part of what I will learn in the months ahead. For now I need to stand strong in the freedom I have been given and celebrate what this brings to me. I just wish that this freedom was not so painful.
I want to do what is right, what is kind and what is pleasing to God. I guess I can only do it one step at a time.
“For we are taking pains to do what is right, not only in the eyes of the Lord but also in the eyes of men.” 2 Corinthians 8:21
Just Connie
I was doing pretty good with the whole separation today … and then my husband called. I did okay with it for a while. Right up until he told me quietly that he missed me. I struggled to try to find the right thing to say. I did not know what to say. I did not want to tell him how much I missed him and how much I did not miss his behaviors. I found that I did not want to get into it at all. I knew that it would not make any difference at all and would do nothing but upset both of us.
Sigh …. I am not sure how to maneuver through this. I do not how to handle his loneliness. I can barely handle my own loneliness and sadness. But I guess the reality is that he should be sad. He should be sad that he walked away from our marriage once again. He should be sad that he chose a can of beer over his wife yet again. I think that loneliness is a normal consequence of his choices.
The reality is that I love him but I do not love his behavior and the abuses of the past years. I do not think I can do anything about his loneliness. In fact I think that it is important for him to feel the consequences of his choices. I need to somehow find a balance that does not rip my heart up in the process.
I am not sure what that balance is. I guess that will be part of what I will learn in the months ahead. For now I need to stand strong in the freedom I have been given and celebrate what this brings to me. I just wish that this freedom was not so painful.
I want to do what is right, what is kind and what is pleasing to God. I guess I can only do it one step at a time.
“For we are taking pains to do what is right, not only in the eyes of the Lord but also in the eyes of men.” 2 Corinthians 8:21
Just Connie
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Determination
It has been a better day. I woke up this morning determined to set aside my sadness and grief. That determination has stayed with me throughout the day and helped keep me focused.
Grief is not a bad thing. It is a normal reaction to loss, and I am coming to find out that loss is a normal part of life. Jesus himself stood at Lazarus’ tomb and wept. He felt the sting of loss. In our lives there is death, there is rejection and disappointments. It is part of living in a fallen world. But my reaction to that loss should not immobilize me. It should spur me on to do better, to love deeper, to live more fully.
I do not want to spend my days crying and moaning about the losses in my life. I want to live a life that is meaningful. I want to live a life that that makes a difference. I will not be able to do that if I cannot see past my grief. I know that God has more for me than this.
“Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.” Isaiah 51:11
I remain committed to living fully the life that God is calling me to live. That means that I cannot allow myself to wallow endlessly in my sorrow. I think that might not always be easy to keep in front of me. But I believe that with God’s help I can do this.
Just Connie
Grief is not a bad thing. It is a normal reaction to loss, and I am coming to find out that loss is a normal part of life. Jesus himself stood at Lazarus’ tomb and wept. He felt the sting of loss. In our lives there is death, there is rejection and disappointments. It is part of living in a fallen world. But my reaction to that loss should not immobilize me. It should spur me on to do better, to love deeper, to live more fully.
I do not want to spend my days crying and moaning about the losses in my life. I want to live a life that is meaningful. I want to live a life that that makes a difference. I will not be able to do that if I cannot see past my grief. I know that God has more for me than this.
“Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.” Isaiah 51:11
I remain committed to living fully the life that God is calling me to live. That means that I cannot allow myself to wallow endlessly in my sorrow. I think that might not always be easy to keep in front of me. But I believe that with God’s help I can do this.
Just Connie
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Separation Reality
I hurt today. Grief is washing over me and I cannot seem to stop the flow. It is all encompassing despair that makes it impossible to see past the hurt.
I filed the last set of papers for legal separation at the courthouse today. I was a little nervous but doing well, I had every confidence that I was going to get this last set of papers filed and get back home with no tears. I did real well right up until they handed me the papers that asked me to quantify the reason for this separation. Suddenly the words of the paper blurred and I was flooded with an overwhelming sadness. It is shocking to me that it has come to this.
I pulled it together as best as I could, but I cried all the way home, I have cried all afternoon. This is a hurt that I cannot seem to push aside right now. The reality of what this separation means for me is inescapable. It means that I am alone. In everything I face and everything I do, I will live life by myself. It means no loving arms wrapped around me after a long day of work. No laughter and teasing, no one to share my evenings with. I am alone and I will be alone. The specter of that aloneness is rather frightening to me.
I keep trying to remember the other things this separation will mean for me. No more drunken rages. No more searching for alcohol. No more wondering if he will be sober when I get home. No more wondering how long he will be sober this time. No more financial nightmares. No more being lied to. No more fear.
And still I am sad, grieved beyond my capacity to express at the loss of my cowboy. The loss of everything we could have been together…. thrown away for no good reason. I am heartsick and have no answers for myself. All I can do is cry out.
“Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.” Psalm 31:9
“This too will pass” and tomorrow is a new day. But tomorrow seems like a long way away.
Just Connie
I filed the last set of papers for legal separation at the courthouse today. I was a little nervous but doing well, I had every confidence that I was going to get this last set of papers filed and get back home with no tears. I did real well right up until they handed me the papers that asked me to quantify the reason for this separation. Suddenly the words of the paper blurred and I was flooded with an overwhelming sadness. It is shocking to me that it has come to this.
I pulled it together as best as I could, but I cried all the way home, I have cried all afternoon. This is a hurt that I cannot seem to push aside right now. The reality of what this separation means for me is inescapable. It means that I am alone. In everything I face and everything I do, I will live life by myself. It means no loving arms wrapped around me after a long day of work. No laughter and teasing, no one to share my evenings with. I am alone and I will be alone. The specter of that aloneness is rather frightening to me.
I keep trying to remember the other things this separation will mean for me. No more drunken rages. No more searching for alcohol. No more wondering if he will be sober when I get home. No more wondering how long he will be sober this time. No more financial nightmares. No more being lied to. No more fear.
And still I am sad, grieved beyond my capacity to express at the loss of my cowboy. The loss of everything we could have been together…. thrown away for no good reason. I am heartsick and have no answers for myself. All I can do is cry out.
“Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.” Psalm 31:9
“This too will pass” and tomorrow is a new day. But tomorrow seems like a long way away.
Just Connie
Monday, June 22, 2009
Niagara Falls
I went on a great hike today. My neighbor Cheryl and I headed to Niagara Falls just minutes from the house. It was a beautiful day, overcast with the sun peeping out every once in a while. Absolutely perfect for hiking. We could not have ordered better weather for the outing. So we packed our lunches, stowed our backpacks and herded my sheep dog into the car and headed to the backcountry.
The way to Niagara is not marked very well and I feel like we deserved a medal for actually finding it. It is a short hike straight down most of the way to the falls. (which means it is straight up coming back) It has a wonderful rainforest feel as you go down the canyon. Lots of moss and heavy vegetation, everything is very lush and very green. There are several spots where the trail is washed out from the winter storms and it takes some maneuvering around very slick, very precipitous drop offs to hike the trail right now.
There are actually two falls. The first one is a broad cascade that is beautiful and reminds me of a smaller version of Ramona Falls. Just a turn of the trail brings you to Niagara. It is a lovely spot. Very secluded and seldom traveled. It is the perfect place for quiet contemplation. We had our lunch, talked and laughed and just enjoyed the scenery.
Today was good exercise, good company and totally refreshing. It also forced me outside of the house. I think I have spent too much time just hunkering down and brooding over the past week. Today reminds me that I need to do this often. In fact I think I will try to get out into nature at least once a week while I am off work.
This time off is the perfect opportunity to do some of the things I have always wished I had time to do. I need to hike, sleep and spend time with friends and family. I need to use this time to refresh and restore. I need to see the gifts God has for me within this circumstance. I have a feeling that might not always be easy. But I am determined to not allow my emotions to drive me to isolate myself.
“I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." Jeremiah 31:25
I guess it is a matter of focus. I choose to live a life of hopeful expectancy. I am expecting great things.
Just Connie
The way to Niagara is not marked very well and I feel like we deserved a medal for actually finding it. It is a short hike straight down most of the way to the falls. (which means it is straight up coming back) It has a wonderful rainforest feel as you go down the canyon. Lots of moss and heavy vegetation, everything is very lush and very green. There are several spots where the trail is washed out from the winter storms and it takes some maneuvering around very slick, very precipitous drop offs to hike the trail right now.
There are actually two falls. The first one is a broad cascade that is beautiful and reminds me of a smaller version of Ramona Falls. Just a turn of the trail brings you to Niagara. It is a lovely spot. Very secluded and seldom traveled. It is the perfect place for quiet contemplation. We had our lunch, talked and laughed and just enjoyed the scenery.
Today was good exercise, good company and totally refreshing. It also forced me outside of the house. I think I have spent too much time just hunkering down and brooding over the past week. Today reminds me that I need to do this often. In fact I think I will try to get out into nature at least once a week while I am off work.
This time off is the perfect opportunity to do some of the things I have always wished I had time to do. I need to hike, sleep and spend time with friends and family. I need to use this time to refresh and restore. I need to see the gifts God has for me within this circumstance. I have a feeling that might not always be easy. But I am determined to not allow my emotions to drive me to isolate myself.
“I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." Jeremiah 31:25
I guess it is a matter of focus. I choose to live a life of hopeful expectancy. I am expecting great things.
Just Connie
Sunday, June 21, 2009
A Full Sunday
Well today was my last Sunday with the Gladstone congregation. They opted for no church service and a picnic at the park. I am glad that they had a chance to gather together and it was nice to see so many people there today. It was a very emotional time and I wish that I could have done more to ease the pain they are feeling. My prayer is that in the weeks ahead they will continue to seek God and find peace and freedom. I was touched and surprised to have cards that they signed and a love offering. About 1/3 of the congregation is out of work. I realize that what was given was probably a sacrifice and I am humbled and touched by their gift.
After the picnic I headed to Mom and Dad’s to say Happy Father’s Day. It was very good to see everyone. I even got the chance to sit and talk with my new sister in law. My sister Delinda was killed in an accident about 3 years ago and her husband has just recently remarried. I am very glad that he has found someone to share his life with. I have to say that the more time I spend with his new wife (Debbie) the more I like her. I think they are good for each other. I look forward to getting to know her more in the months ahead.
I have a wonderful family. It is absolutely chaos when we all get together, but it is a wonderful chaos. We love each other passionately and would move heaven and earth to help each other out. I might not always be comfortable in the midst of the family, but I never doubt their unqualified love for me and that is an incredible and rare thing.
I am very thankful to have the love and support of my family. I am thankful for the stability and help they offer when my steps falter and my emotions overwhelm me. In the past 6 months they have kept a close eye on me as I have walked a new and uncertain road. They are a gift from God and tonight I give thanks for all of them.
"Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." Mark 5:19
God is moving and He has good things in store for me. I just need to keep moving ahead.
Just Connie
After the picnic I headed to Mom and Dad’s to say Happy Father’s Day. It was very good to see everyone. I even got the chance to sit and talk with my new sister in law. My sister Delinda was killed in an accident about 3 years ago and her husband has just recently remarried. I am very glad that he has found someone to share his life with. I have to say that the more time I spend with his new wife (Debbie) the more I like her. I think they are good for each other. I look forward to getting to know her more in the months ahead.
I have a wonderful family. It is absolutely chaos when we all get together, but it is a wonderful chaos. We love each other passionately and would move heaven and earth to help each other out. I might not always be comfortable in the midst of the family, but I never doubt their unqualified love for me and that is an incredible and rare thing.
I am very thankful to have the love and support of my family. I am thankful for the stability and help they offer when my steps falter and my emotions overwhelm me. In the past 6 months they have kept a close eye on me as I have walked a new and uncertain road. They are a gift from God and tonight I give thanks for all of them.
"Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." Mark 5:19
God is moving and He has good things in store for me. I just need to keep moving ahead.
Just Connie
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Lazy Day
I have had a lazy Saturday. I slept in, puttered around the house and watched TV. I unpacked all of one half of a box. That will not help me get rid of the stacks and stacks of boxes at this rate. But to be honest I really do not feel very guilty about it.
As I look ahead I have a week of ups and downs ahead of me. Some of it will be very challenging. Some of it will be the answer to much prayer and soul searching. Some of it frankly, I am not looking forward to all.
Tomorrow is my last Sunday with the Gladstone congregation. There is such grief and anger, it is heartbreaking. It is hard to maneuver with any grace through the landmines. But I am praying for grace and love to get me through.
Monday I am going to do a short hike with my neighbor to Niagara Falls. It is only about 15 minutes away from my house and it is a beautiful short hike. It will be so good to get out and see some gorgeous scenery and enjoy good fellowship. I have not spent much time with her in the last month and I am looking forward to this.
On Tuesday I have an appointment at the court. It is time to file the next set of papers for the legal separation. I so want this to be done with. It has been extremely hard for me to push this through. If I did not think it was so important, I would not go through this misery, I think the legal and emotional protection this separation brings is important. I will not live in fear any longer. I will live free and strong.
Then Friday I pick up Joy and meet mom and dad and head to Eugene for my ordination ceremony. How I have longed and prayed for this day. I cannot imagine what it will be like. I am very thankful for the opportunity to minister. I am excited to see what God has for me in the days ahead.
So all in all this will be a busy week. Like most of life it will have emotional ups and downs for me. I guess my job is to maneuver though it with grace, faith and courage. That will be challenging for me especially the courage part.
“Be strong and courageous. … for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
I am not alone. That is enough to take me into tomorrow with my head held high.
Just Connie
As I look ahead I have a week of ups and downs ahead of me. Some of it will be very challenging. Some of it will be the answer to much prayer and soul searching. Some of it frankly, I am not looking forward to all.
Tomorrow is my last Sunday with the Gladstone congregation. There is such grief and anger, it is heartbreaking. It is hard to maneuver with any grace through the landmines. But I am praying for grace and love to get me through.
Monday I am going to do a short hike with my neighbor to Niagara Falls. It is only about 15 minutes away from my house and it is a beautiful short hike. It will be so good to get out and see some gorgeous scenery and enjoy good fellowship. I have not spent much time with her in the last month and I am looking forward to this.
On Tuesday I have an appointment at the court. It is time to file the next set of papers for the legal separation. I so want this to be done with. It has been extremely hard for me to push this through. If I did not think it was so important, I would not go through this misery, I think the legal and emotional protection this separation brings is important. I will not live in fear any longer. I will live free and strong.
Then Friday I pick up Joy and meet mom and dad and head to Eugene for my ordination ceremony. How I have longed and prayed for this day. I cannot imagine what it will be like. I am very thankful for the opportunity to minister. I am excited to see what God has for me in the days ahead.
So all in all this will be a busy week. Like most of life it will have emotional ups and downs for me. I guess my job is to maneuver though it with grace, faith and courage. That will be challenging for me especially the courage part.
“Be strong and courageous. … for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
I am not alone. That is enough to take me into tomorrow with my head held high.
Just Connie
Friday, June 19, 2009
Better Days
It has been a better day. I woke up determined to push through this fog of sadness and sorrow. I showered, dressed and puttered around the house. I have unpacked a few things, dusted a few things and worked some more on my resume. I took down pictures and items that belong to my husband and packed them up to put in the attic. I even spent about an hour making phone calls. I am trying to do my part to make healthy choices. Don’t particularly like it, but I am trying to move forward regardless.
All of this time on my hands is very odd to me. My time has always been highly scheduled. I have always thought that my time was the most precious commodity that I had. I had work, meetings, children, a spouse and all of the things that come along with those things. Now I find myself with none of those things to fill my days. It is completely up to me to keep myself motivated and moving ahead. I find this a very strange and very unwelcome occurrence.
So I will continue through the weekend to try to move myself ahead. I will seek to bring my house and yard under control and continue to unpack the stacks and stacks of boxes.
“For the sake of the house of the LORD our God, I will seek your prosperity.” Psalm 122:9
Eventually my emotions will follow my actions. In other words I will keep doing the right thing until my heart catches up. There are better days ahead.
Just Connie
All of this time on my hands is very odd to me. My time has always been highly scheduled. I have always thought that my time was the most precious commodity that I had. I had work, meetings, children, a spouse and all of the things that come along with those things. Now I find myself with none of those things to fill my days. It is completely up to me to keep myself motivated and moving ahead. I find this a very strange and very unwelcome occurrence.
So I will continue through the weekend to try to move myself ahead. I will seek to bring my house and yard under control and continue to unpack the stacks and stacks of boxes.
“For the sake of the house of the LORD our God, I will seek your prosperity.” Psalm 122:9
Eventually my emotions will follow my actions. In other words I will keep doing the right thing until my heart catches up. There are better days ahead.
Just Connie
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Blue Day
I am having a “blue day”. I can’t quite seem to get on top of it. I feel sad and have accomplished very little. I have slept a little, avoided phone calls as much as possible and for the most part have tucked myself away in my den for this storm to pass.
Emotions are a funny thing. They can be a swirling nebulous gossamer at times; at other times they are a cold dank heavy fog, obscuring vision and motivation. Today the fog seems to wrap itself around me, chilling me to the bone and sapping the will to move forward.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will force myself to push past the fog.
“In any case, I must keep going today and tomorrow and the next day.” Luke 13:33
Just Connie
Emotions are a funny thing. They can be a swirling nebulous gossamer at times; at other times they are a cold dank heavy fog, obscuring vision and motivation. Today the fog seems to wrap itself around me, chilling me to the bone and sapping the will to move forward.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will force myself to push past the fog.
“In any case, I must keep going today and tomorrow and the next day.” Luke 13:33
Just Connie
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
By Myself
I am tired and discouraged tonight. It has been a long day. I headed to Gladstone this morning early. I needed to go to DMV and make another try to get my drivers license renewed. This time I successfully completed the mission. I should be getting my license in the mail in a couple of weeks. The process seems to get more and more complicated. I hate to think what it will be like in another 9 years.
After that I headed to the church to tie up some loose ends there and sort through some music. I have to admit to feeling a little sadness that this chapter is over. I feel like so much of my life is in ending stages and so far I do not see any new beginnings. I think they will come, they just feel far away today.
Next I headed over to the parsonage. My associate pastor and his wife will be pulling out of town Sunday. So I went to offer a few hours of packing help. They are a wonderful young couple and having them here for the last year has made a big difference to me. They have been loving and supportive and have been an oasis of sanity when things got crazy. I was struck today as I was packing, how much I will miss them and how much I wish they were not going so far away.
From there I headed to Burlington for the big Wednesday night Family Dinner. It was very good to see everyone, but there are times like tonight when I feel very alone in the midst of my family. I stood there and looked around and realized that everyone would be going home with people who love them. I would be driving 2 hours home by myself , to an empty house and there is no one waiting for me who loves me.
I keep reminding myself that there are worse things than being by myself. I should know since I have experienced much of the “worse” over the last few years. But I have to admit that tonight I am lonely. I am sad and I am tired of endings. I am tired of saying good-bye to people that I love. I think this scripture expresses where I am tonight.
“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted” Psalm 25:16
I guess the bottom line is that God knows me and knows exactly where I am tonight. I do not have to pretend to be anything other than what I am. God loves me and He is sufficient for even this.
Just Connie
After that I headed to the church to tie up some loose ends there and sort through some music. I have to admit to feeling a little sadness that this chapter is over. I feel like so much of my life is in ending stages and so far I do not see any new beginnings. I think they will come, they just feel far away today.
Next I headed over to the parsonage. My associate pastor and his wife will be pulling out of town Sunday. So I went to offer a few hours of packing help. They are a wonderful young couple and having them here for the last year has made a big difference to me. They have been loving and supportive and have been an oasis of sanity when things got crazy. I was struck today as I was packing, how much I will miss them and how much I wish they were not going so far away.
From there I headed to Burlington for the big Wednesday night Family Dinner. It was very good to see everyone, but there are times like tonight when I feel very alone in the midst of my family. I stood there and looked around and realized that everyone would be going home with people who love them. I would be driving 2 hours home by myself , to an empty house and there is no one waiting for me who loves me.
I keep reminding myself that there are worse things than being by myself. I should know since I have experienced much of the “worse” over the last few years. But I have to admit that tonight I am lonely. I am sad and I am tired of endings. I am tired of saying good-bye to people that I love. I think this scripture expresses where I am tonight.
“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted” Psalm 25:16
I guess the bottom line is that God knows me and knows exactly where I am tonight. I do not have to pretend to be anything other than what I am. God loves me and He is sufficient for even this.
Just Connie
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
New Life
Well another day is wrapping up. I feel like I have accomplished quite a bit. First of all I got my unemployment re-filed. After I did that, I waded through the Oregon employment I-Skills match. They categorized all of the skills from my various jobs. Once that was done they matched my skills to available jobs. They matched me up with …… drum roll please ….. exactly ZERO jobs! That just warmed the cockles of my heart. So I do not think I will get much help from the employment department in my job search. My goal tonight is to get my resume finished so I can begin to get it out to people. Sigh … something tells me that this will probably not be an easy process. But I am committed to going through this with a good attitude and a positive outlook. But in the utmost Christian maturity I would like to say, “This STINKS!" Okay, I have that out my system. I am all better now.
Next I drove into Sheridan and finally got the gas for the lawn mower. Then I made myself come home and mow the front of the house. I got it all done and I did not cry! That sounds pretty ridiculous but it has been one of those tasks that highlight the changes in my life and it is just painful to push through this. The next task will be the back. But I can do it.
While I was in Sheridan, I went to the bank and ironed out some account issues. Before I got the lawn mowed, I wrote a letter of recommendation for a man in my congregation. I e-mailed that off and fielded about 100 phone calls. Well … I guess that is an exaggeration, it was only seven or eight calls. Out that seven or eight phone calls, I really only wanted three of them. But that is probably a point that everyone can sympathize with me at.
With all of that behind me, I am now sitting with my feet up, the computer on my lap and my senile little terrier curled up beside me. He loves to lay where the fan from the computer blows hot air on him. That is fine on cold days, on hot summer days, it is a little much. I have dinner thawing out in the kitchen and I am beginning to plan how I am going to cook it.
This new life is very different. It is not what I would have chosen, but it has some positives. I can see that I will be able to take a care of a lot of loose ends that I have put off for so long. I can call the cable company, go to the bank, weed the flower beds and take care of all of those things that I have not had the time or energy to take care of. I will also get more sleep, have study time and be able to give additional time to the church.
“..just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.” Romans 6:4
I choose to live this new life fully and completely. I will take a deep breath, square my shoulders and walk forward into the future because it is a gift form God.
Just Connie
Next I drove into Sheridan and finally got the gas for the lawn mower. Then I made myself come home and mow the front of the house. I got it all done and I did not cry! That sounds pretty ridiculous but it has been one of those tasks that highlight the changes in my life and it is just painful to push through this. The next task will be the back. But I can do it.
While I was in Sheridan, I went to the bank and ironed out some account issues. Before I got the lawn mowed, I wrote a letter of recommendation for a man in my congregation. I e-mailed that off and fielded about 100 phone calls. Well … I guess that is an exaggeration, it was only seven or eight calls. Out that seven or eight phone calls, I really only wanted three of them. But that is probably a point that everyone can sympathize with me at.
With all of that behind me, I am now sitting with my feet up, the computer on my lap and my senile little terrier curled up beside me. He loves to lay where the fan from the computer blows hot air on him. That is fine on cold days, on hot summer days, it is a little much. I have dinner thawing out in the kitchen and I am beginning to plan how I am going to cook it.
This new life is very different. It is not what I would have chosen, but it has some positives. I can see that I will be able to take a care of a lot of loose ends that I have put off for so long. I can call the cable company, go to the bank, weed the flower beds and take care of all of those things that I have not had the time or energy to take care of. I will also get more sleep, have study time and be able to give additional time to the church.
“..just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.” Romans 6:4
I choose to live this new life fully and completely. I will take a deep breath, square my shoulders and walk forward into the future because it is a gift form God.
Just Connie
Monday, June 15, 2009
A New Day
This feels like my first day of unemployment. It is the first day I have been home all day since I lost my job. It is a strange feeling. I am trying to treat it like a vacation, but I can feel the sadness lurking around the edges, ready to come rushing in if I allow it an opportunity.
So I am trying to stay busy. I have been cleaning the house, doing wash, unpacking boxes. Next I have to drive to the gas station and fill up the gas can so I can go and do battle with the lawn. Sigh ….. I guess there is no excuse to not do it now. This is my chance to get the yard in decent shape. I can foresee a lot of work ahead of me.
Tomorrow I am supposed to re-file my unemployment claim. I can see where it could get fairly discouraging wading through the red tape. Hopefully I will learn my way around the system so it does not seem so overwhelming. They put last weeks claim on hold and I spent an hour on the phone today getting all of that straightened out only to find out that tomorrow I will have to file claim again for last week.
I am discovering that my life is different in almost every way. The last 6 months have brought profound changes in every area of my life. My family, my career, my friends …. everything is now different. These are not changes that I wanted … most definitely not what I wanted. However, regardless of what I want, this is what I have. I am going to try to embrace the moment I am in. It is what it is and God has something for me to learn right where I am.
"This the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" Psalm 118:24
Today is a new day and I choose to believe that is a good thing.
Just Connie
So I am trying to stay busy. I have been cleaning the house, doing wash, unpacking boxes. Next I have to drive to the gas station and fill up the gas can so I can go and do battle with the lawn. Sigh ….. I guess there is no excuse to not do it now. This is my chance to get the yard in decent shape. I can foresee a lot of work ahead of me.
Tomorrow I am supposed to re-file my unemployment claim. I can see where it could get fairly discouraging wading through the red tape. Hopefully I will learn my way around the system so it does not seem so overwhelming. They put last weeks claim on hold and I spent an hour on the phone today getting all of that straightened out only to find out that tomorrow I will have to file claim again for last week.
I am discovering that my life is different in almost every way. The last 6 months have brought profound changes in every area of my life. My family, my career, my friends …. everything is now different. These are not changes that I wanted … most definitely not what I wanted. However, regardless of what I want, this is what I have. I am going to try to embrace the moment I am in. It is what it is and God has something for me to learn right where I am.
"This the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" Psalm 118:24
Today is a new day and I choose to believe that is a good thing.
Just Connie
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Ready
It is Sunday and today’s sermon is from Acts 10:1-8.
1At Caesarea there was a man named Cornelius, a centurion in what was known as the Italian Regiment. 2He and all his family were devout and God-fearing; he gave generously to those in need and prayed to God regularly. 3One day at about three in the afternoon he had a vision. He distinctly saw an angel of God, who came to him and said, "Cornelius!"
4Cornelius stared at him in fear. "What is it, Lord?" he asked.
The angel answered, "Your prayers and gifts to the poor have come up as a memorial offering before God. 5Now send men to Joppa to bring back a man named Simon who is called Peter. 6He is staying with Simon the tanner, whose house is by the sea."
7When the angel who spoke to him had gone, Cornelius called two of his servants and a devout soldier who was one of his attendants. 8He told them everything that had happened and sent them to Joppa.
Cornelius was ready when God’s call came. His obedience and readiness helped bring the gospel to the gentiles. let’s look at some of the things that helped him be ready.
1. He had a prepared heart
a. He was devout & faithful
b. He shared his faith with his family
c. He prayed regularly
2. He had a prepared life
a. A life that gave
b. A life that was compassionate
c. A life that knew God’s leading
3. He had a prepared response
a. He was submitted to God
Conclusion: Cornelius was ready when God’s call came. He had developed his spiritual life and spiritual disciplines that prepared him to say “yes”. Are you ready for God’s call? Is your heart prepared? Are you totally submitted to go where ever God leads you? Will you say “yes” when God calls?
1At Caesarea there was a man named Cornelius, a centurion in what was known as the Italian Regiment. 2He and all his family were devout and God-fearing; he gave generously to those in need and prayed to God regularly. 3One day at about three in the afternoon he had a vision. He distinctly saw an angel of God, who came to him and said, "Cornelius!"
4Cornelius stared at him in fear. "What is it, Lord?" he asked.
The angel answered, "Your prayers and gifts to the poor have come up as a memorial offering before God. 5Now send men to Joppa to bring back a man named Simon who is called Peter. 6He is staying with Simon the tanner, whose house is by the sea."
7When the angel who spoke to him had gone, Cornelius called two of his servants and a devout soldier who was one of his attendants. 8He told them everything that had happened and sent them to Joppa.
Cornelius was ready when God’s call came. His obedience and readiness helped bring the gospel to the gentiles. let’s look at some of the things that helped him be ready.
1. He had a prepared heart
a. He was devout & faithful
b. He shared his faith with his family
c. He prayed regularly
2. He had a prepared life
a. A life that gave
b. A life that was compassionate
c. A life that knew God’s leading
3. He had a prepared response
a. He was submitted to God
Conclusion: Cornelius was ready when God’s call came. He had developed his spiritual life and spiritual disciplines that prepared him to say “yes”. Are you ready for God’s call? Is your heart prepared? Are you totally submitted to go where ever God leads you? Will you say “yes” when God calls?
Thought For Today
Readiness is today’s submission for tomorrow’s call.
Readiness is today’s submission for tomorrow’s call.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Camping Trip
I’m back! It was a wonderful but wet trip. Here is a summary of what the last few days have held.
Wednesday
I got up early and doubled checked all the gear that I had packed the day before. At 8:00 I met my friends Gary & Marylou as well as Michelle who would serve as our guide to our camping spot.
Our 3 car caravan headed south and we drove and drove. We drove and drove while it rained and rained. There was some gorgeous scenery through the rain and I put some CD’s in and cranked up the sound. I told the dogs they could sing along with me. We drove south past Eugene, east past Oakridge and north to Cresent City. Then we turned off and began driving down dirt backroads through the pine forest. By the time we were 10 minutes in I was not sure I could find my way out. By the time we were 20 minutes in, I knew I was hopelessly turned around. By then it was hailing and the dirt roads were slick and swampy. I was glad for my 4 wheel drive.
We pulled into our campsite in a complete downpour. By then I was thinking of trying to set my tent up in the rain and how fun it was going to be to sleep in cold wet bedding. The property had several outbuildings and a one room log cabin. To my delight, the owner gave me the key to the cabin and told me to use it. The cabin had a bed and a wood stove. Dry, weather tight and warm! What a difference from a cold wet tent. This is going to be great.
Thursday
We had waffles for breakfast. I like camping with Gary and Marylou! Then we went exploring. We packed up a lunch and jumped in the truck and took off. We had periods of thunderstorms but there was beautiful country every direction you looked. We ended up at the river where Marylou and Gary did some fishing. I read a book and took photos and watched the storm rolling in. It was relaxing and wonderful.
We had another spectacular meal and spent the evening around the campfire. When we were cold and damp we headed to the cabin and sat and talked while we soaked up the warmth of the woodstove.
Friday
Another lazy morning. We actually had some sun breaks! We decided to drive up to Little Cultus Lake. It is one of the high alpine lakes above Bend. We packed a lunch and headed out after another spectacular meal.
We saw some fabulous scenery and had our lunch by the lake. The dogs had a wonderful time exploring every thing and splashing in the water. After lunch we packed up and went exploring. We headed down muddy rutted roads until we were stopped by a sinkhole and had to back out. We laughed and oohed and aaahed and felt like we had been on quite an adventure.
From there we headed to the lava fields that abut Davis Lake. I started to climb up the rock face and was half way up when the storm hit. Rain was pouring down so hard I could hardly see my hand in front of me. I beat a retreat to the truck and we began to load up the dogs. My sheepdog Charlie decided she was not done yet and jumped in the Lake. So in the pouring rain I ran along the lakeshore trying to cajole a misbehaving dog. She kept herself parallel to me (about knee deep). She would not be reasoned with! I finally jumped in and dove after her. So dripping and soaked all the way through I drug her to the truck and heaved her in the back.
With apologies to my companions, I climbed in the truck and we headed back. We had an incredible meal of chicken fajitas with fresh baked bread and spent another quiet evening around the campfire before we headed to the cabin for more conversation and relaxation.
Saturday
This morning I got up and packed up the car. I walked outside and looked into the sky and …. it is sunny! I am wishing that I was staying for another 4 days. Then, I sat down to an incredible breakfast of biscuits and gravy. What a wonderful send off. I hugged and kissed Marylou and Gary and prayed that I could find the way out. I actually made it the first try. I think someone was praying for me.
Closing Thoughts
This trip was good for me. It was a break from the frantic pace I have been under the past year. It was also a break from the hurt and sorrow of the last few months. I slept a lot, laughed a lot and enjoyed the company of wonderful loving people. I am very thankful for the chance to get away. I think I will search for more of these moments in the days ahead.
34"Aeneas," Peter said to him, "Jesus Christ heals you. Get up and take care of your mat." Immediately Aeneas got up. Acts 9:34
God has healing and restoration for me. I need to do my part. I need to get up off my mat and step into the future God has planned for me. It is a new day.
Wednesday
I got up early and doubled checked all the gear that I had packed the day before. At 8:00 I met my friends Gary & Marylou as well as Michelle who would serve as our guide to our camping spot.
Our 3 car caravan headed south and we drove and drove. We drove and drove while it rained and rained. There was some gorgeous scenery through the rain and I put some CD’s in and cranked up the sound. I told the dogs they could sing along with me. We drove south past Eugene, east past Oakridge and north to Cresent City. Then we turned off and began driving down dirt backroads through the pine forest. By the time we were 10 minutes in I was not sure I could find my way out. By the time we were 20 minutes in, I knew I was hopelessly turned around. By then it was hailing and the dirt roads were slick and swampy. I was glad for my 4 wheel drive.
We pulled into our campsite in a complete downpour. By then I was thinking of trying to set my tent up in the rain and how fun it was going to be to sleep in cold wet bedding. The property had several outbuildings and a one room log cabin. To my delight, the owner gave me the key to the cabin and told me to use it. The cabin had a bed and a wood stove. Dry, weather tight and warm! What a difference from a cold wet tent. This is going to be great.
Thursday
We had waffles for breakfast. I like camping with Gary and Marylou! Then we went exploring. We packed up a lunch and jumped in the truck and took off. We had periods of thunderstorms but there was beautiful country every direction you looked. We ended up at the river where Marylou and Gary did some fishing. I read a book and took photos and watched the storm rolling in. It was relaxing and wonderful.
We had another spectacular meal and spent the evening around the campfire. When we were cold and damp we headed to the cabin and sat and talked while we soaked up the warmth of the woodstove.
Friday
Another lazy morning. We actually had some sun breaks! We decided to drive up to Little Cultus Lake. It is one of the high alpine lakes above Bend. We packed a lunch and headed out after another spectacular meal.
We saw some fabulous scenery and had our lunch by the lake. The dogs had a wonderful time exploring every thing and splashing in the water. After lunch we packed up and went exploring. We headed down muddy rutted roads until we were stopped by a sinkhole and had to back out. We laughed and oohed and aaahed and felt like we had been on quite an adventure.
From there we headed to the lava fields that abut Davis Lake. I started to climb up the rock face and was half way up when the storm hit. Rain was pouring down so hard I could hardly see my hand in front of me. I beat a retreat to the truck and we began to load up the dogs. My sheepdog Charlie decided she was not done yet and jumped in the Lake. So in the pouring rain I ran along the lakeshore trying to cajole a misbehaving dog. She kept herself parallel to me (about knee deep). She would not be reasoned with! I finally jumped in and dove after her. So dripping and soaked all the way through I drug her to the truck and heaved her in the back.
With apologies to my companions, I climbed in the truck and we headed back. We had an incredible meal of chicken fajitas with fresh baked bread and spent another quiet evening around the campfire before we headed to the cabin for more conversation and relaxation.
Saturday
This morning I got up and packed up the car. I walked outside and looked into the sky and …. it is sunny! I am wishing that I was staying for another 4 days. Then, I sat down to an incredible breakfast of biscuits and gravy. What a wonderful send off. I hugged and kissed Marylou and Gary and prayed that I could find the way out. I actually made it the first try. I think someone was praying for me.
Closing Thoughts
This trip was good for me. It was a break from the frantic pace I have been under the past year. It was also a break from the hurt and sorrow of the last few months. I slept a lot, laughed a lot and enjoyed the company of wonderful loving people. I am very thankful for the chance to get away. I think I will search for more of these moments in the days ahead.
34"Aeneas," Peter said to him, "Jesus Christ heals you. Get up and take care of your mat." Immediately Aeneas got up. Acts 9:34
God has healing and restoration for me. I need to do my part. I need to get up off my mat and step into the future God has planned for me. It is a new day.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Backcountry Vacation
I am in the back country for the next 4 days. With the lack of a "current bush" to plug into, I will be in cyber-withdrawal. I will try to journal while I am gone and post when I get back.
Be blessed,
Just Connie
Be blessed,
Just Connie
Joy Around the Corner
I am weary. I am tired of criticism, tired of conflict, tired of hurting, tired of grieving ….. just tired. For the most part I think I have done fairly well, but I can feel the barbs dig a little deeper and the weariness wash over me a little more often now. I think perhaps those symptoms are significant. They are warnings that those same symptoms potentially could lead to depression, illness and other problems. They are symptoms that I need to pay attention to.
So, with that in mind, with all of the pain, grief and loss of the past 6 months it is time for me to step away and rest. So for the next 4 days I am getting away. I am going to get quiet before the Lord and listen to what He has to say to me. I am going to let the beauty of God’s creation blow the cobwebs of sadness away. I am going to let fresh air, mountains and running water be a lullaby. I am going to let God heal the hurt spots and let joy wash over me once again.
“He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy” Job 8:21
I believe that joy is waiting I just need to step forward to meet it.
Just Connie
So, with that in mind, with all of the pain, grief and loss of the past 6 months it is time for me to step away and rest. So for the next 4 days I am getting away. I am going to get quiet before the Lord and listen to what He has to say to me. I am going to let the beauty of God’s creation blow the cobwebs of sadness away. I am going to let fresh air, mountains and running water be a lullaby. I am going to let God heal the hurt spots and let joy wash over me once again.
“He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy” Job 8:21
I believe that joy is waiting I just need to step forward to meet it.
Just Connie
Monday, June 8, 2009
1st Day of Unemployment
Today was my first day of unemployment. It sure did not feel like a day off.
I started my day by filing for unemployment. That was a thrill. But at least it was all on line. So that was better than standing in line for hours. It will be interesting to see this whole process through. I have never been unemployed before. I am not sure what the parameters are for any of this. I am feeling my way through this like a blind man.
Next on my busy social calendar was a trip into Salem to pick up the Assistant to my Conference Superintendent. From there we drove into Gladstone to meet with the Gladstone Church Treasurers to get the conference on the bank accounts.
By 2:00 we were back in Salem and I met briefly with the superintendent and went over yesterday’s service and upcoming plans with him. I am very thankful for a godly man who is willing to wade through this deep water. It is good to have leadership that are easy to respect and follow. I am very grateful for our Conference leadership.
After that, I took a flying trip to the Dollar Store to pick up a few things, then to Walmart to pick up a garden hoe and finally Safeway to pick up a few groceries. At Safeway I also got to briefly see my daughter who is working as a cashier at Safeway. I always wait to go through her line and try to make her laugh while I am there. I have to admit, I didn’t have much humor around me today.
From there I finally headed home and pulled into the driveway about 5:00. It was a full and busy day.
As I reflect on how I am doing, I have to admit that I am tired, sad and a little discouraged. Yesterday took a lot out of me. The emotions, the conflict, the criticisms all drain so much energy from me. But not only that, so much has happened in the past 6 months.
- My husband left
- My Grandmother died
- My best friend, Debbie died
- My second mother, my mother’s best friend Marilyn died
- I lost my job
- The church is closing
I turned my eyes towards the heavens today and said, “What’s next Lord? Locusts?” I laughed but the reality is that this is a pivotal time for me. How I walk through this, how I search for God’s heart, how well I listen will determine my path for the future.
I choose to not be defined by the loses in my life. I am more than what I have lost. I will not be a victim. I am God’s child, a beloved daughter of the King. I will
embrace the moment where I am and seek the lesson to be found right here.
“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD” Psalm 31:24
In this promise, and the reality of His presence I will find strength for today and hope for tomorrow.
Just Connie
Sunday, June 7, 2009
7 Lessons
Today’s sermon is from Acts 9:36-43. The story of the healing of Tabitha is familiar to most of us.
36In Joppa there was a disciple named Tabitha (which, when translated, is Dorcas), who was always doing good and helping the poor. 37About that time she became sick and died, and her body was washed and placed in an upstairs room. 38Lydda was near Joppa; so when the disciples heard that Peter was in Lydda, they sent two men to him and urged him, "Please come at once!"
39Peter went with them, and when he arrived he was taken upstairs to the room. All the widows stood around him, crying and showing him the robes and other clothing that Dorcas had made while she was still with them.
40Peter sent them all out of the room; then he got down on his knees and prayed. Turning toward the dead woman, he said, "Tabitha, get up." She opened her eyes, and seeing Peter she sat up. 41He took her by the hand and helped her to her feet. Then he called the believers and the widows and presented her to them alive. 42This became known all over Joppa, and many people believed in the Lord. 43Peter stayed in Joppa for some time with a tanner named Simon.
This passage has clear teachings for us about life. These teachings or principles can help us live the lives that God has called us to.
1. Tragic things happen.
Tabitha, a godly woman died. We will have loss and heartbreaks. It is part of life
2. There is power in prayer.
Peter prayed and things happened. When God’s people pray, great things happen.
3. We need to remove ourselves from the chaos.
Peter removed himself from the weeping & wailing and the grief around him. He sought to be alone with God.
4. There is healing for us.
There is healing for us today. From our brokenness, from our grief and sorrow, there is healing in Christ.
5. We need to act in faith, believing in hope.
Peter spoke with confidence of the reality of answered prayer. That kind of faith can transform our lives if we will also step out in faith.
6. There is hope for tomorrow.
There is hope for us, for the problems we face, for the obstacles that we stumble on. God has plans to prosper us.
7. There is a testimony to be lived.
People came to Christ because of Tabitha’s healing. the testimony of our lives speak louder than words.
Conclusion: How we live counts … it will be on the final test. How I live will influence people for Christ … or it will drive people away. I can prove the transformational presence of the indwelling reality of Jesus Christ, or by my words and actions I will say it is a lie. We need to live, like we believe.
Thought For Today
Faith is belief in action
36In Joppa there was a disciple named Tabitha (which, when translated, is Dorcas), who was always doing good and helping the poor. 37About that time she became sick and died, and her body was washed and placed in an upstairs room. 38Lydda was near Joppa; so when the disciples heard that Peter was in Lydda, they sent two men to him and urged him, "Please come at once!"
39Peter went with them, and when he arrived he was taken upstairs to the room. All the widows stood around him, crying and showing him the robes and other clothing that Dorcas had made while she was still with them.
40Peter sent them all out of the room; then he got down on his knees and prayed. Turning toward the dead woman, he said, "Tabitha, get up." She opened her eyes, and seeing Peter she sat up. 41He took her by the hand and helped her to her feet. Then he called the believers and the widows and presented her to them alive. 42This became known all over Joppa, and many people believed in the Lord. 43Peter stayed in Joppa for some time with a tanner named Simon.
This passage has clear teachings for us about life. These teachings or principles can help us live the lives that God has called us to.
1. Tragic things happen.
Tabitha, a godly woman died. We will have loss and heartbreaks. It is part of life
2. There is power in prayer.
Peter prayed and things happened. When God’s people pray, great things happen.
3. We need to remove ourselves from the chaos.
Peter removed himself from the weeping & wailing and the grief around him. He sought to be alone with God.
4. There is healing for us.
There is healing for us today. From our brokenness, from our grief and sorrow, there is healing in Christ.
5. We need to act in faith, believing in hope.
Peter spoke with confidence of the reality of answered prayer. That kind of faith can transform our lives if we will also step out in faith.
6. There is hope for tomorrow.
There is hope for us, for the problems we face, for the obstacles that we stumble on. God has plans to prosper us.
7. There is a testimony to be lived.
People came to Christ because of Tabitha’s healing. the testimony of our lives speak louder than words.
Conclusion: How we live counts … it will be on the final test. How I live will influence people for Christ … or it will drive people away. I can prove the transformational presence of the indwelling reality of Jesus Christ, or by my words and actions I will say it is a lie. We need to live, like we believe.
Thought For Today
Faith is belief in action
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Wedding Day
Today I officiated the wedding of my nephew. It was a beautiful wedding and everything went very smoothly. As the officiating minister that is always a relief. It is a secret fear of mine that someday I will make a horrible mistake and ruin someone’s special day. So far after 25 years of ministry that has not happened. I hope that does not mean I am due for a doozy of a mistake. The ceremony was held on the riverfront in St Helens. It is nice setting and the rain held off, though the wind kicked up as it often does in that area. I felt privileged to have been a part of this important day. I am so glad they asked me. I love my nephews as if they were my own sons and I am very proud of the young men they have grown into.
I found that I really missed my sister Delinda today. She passed away three years ago and it was her son that was married today. I kept thinking of how much fun she would be having and how she would be teasing everyone and embarrassing her children and laughing. She would have been so proud today. I miss her humor, her spunk and everything she added to my life. I am thankful for the years we had with her.
Tonight as I reflect back on today, I find myself so very grateful for my family. For my family are people who know me and love me anyway. They are people who see me as first and foremost someone they love. All of their perceptions of me grow and are colored by that love. That is a precious and rare gift.
“Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever” Psalm 106:1
So I am headed to bed warmed, strengthened and encouraged by the love and joy of the day.
Just Connie
I found that I really missed my sister Delinda today. She passed away three years ago and it was her son that was married today. I kept thinking of how much fun she would be having and how she would be teasing everyone and embarrassing her children and laughing. She would have been so proud today. I miss her humor, her spunk and everything she added to my life. I am thankful for the years we had with her.
Tonight as I reflect back on today, I find myself so very grateful for my family. For my family are people who know me and love me anyway. They are people who see me as first and foremost someone they love. All of their perceptions of me grow and are colored by that love. That is a precious and rare gift.
“Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever” Psalm 106:1
So I am headed to bed warmed, strengthened and encouraged by the love and joy of the day.
Just Connie
Friday, June 5, 2009
Wrapping & Unwrapping
What a day! I have to say that I am glad that it is winding down. I am sitting in the middle of my bed wrapped in blankets, with my laptop on my lap and my senile terrier curled up alongside me.
I headed to the office this morning and took care of the last of my e-mail, signed all of the paperwork and tried my best to keep my weeping staff from setting me off. I kissed everyone and loaded up the car. From there I went to the Men’s Mission and stoically did the same thing there.
I will miss my co-workers. Many of them have become heart friends over the years. Some of them I first knew as clients and was privileged to watch the miraculous transformation that Christ brings. Some of them have walked through dark days with me and held me up when I waivered. In all honesty there will be a few that I will not miss so much, but I won’t go there.
I find that I am struggling to stay on the positive side of things today. It would be really easy to just lay my head down and wail. I can feel the hurt, the fear, the worry lurking in the dark corners. But I am determined that I will stay focused on what I know and not let what I “feel” drive me.
So with that in mind, here are some things that I know.
1. “All things work together for the good”
2. God loves me.
3. God is in control.
4. I have family who loves me.
5. I have friends who love me.
6. I have ministry opportunities.
7. I have a roof over my head.
8. I have food in my cupboards.
I believe that there are wonderful days of discovery ahead. That might not always be comfortable, but it will be a gift from God. My job is to unwrap it and to the best of my ability to celebrate the process.
“Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!” 2 Corinthians 9:15
Just Connie
I headed to the office this morning and took care of the last of my e-mail, signed all of the paperwork and tried my best to keep my weeping staff from setting me off. I kissed everyone and loaded up the car. From there I went to the Men’s Mission and stoically did the same thing there.
I will miss my co-workers. Many of them have become heart friends over the years. Some of them I first knew as clients and was privileged to watch the miraculous transformation that Christ brings. Some of them have walked through dark days with me and held me up when I waivered. In all honesty there will be a few that I will not miss so much, but I won’t go there.
I find that I am struggling to stay on the positive side of things today. It would be really easy to just lay my head down and wail. I can feel the hurt, the fear, the worry lurking in the dark corners. But I am determined that I will stay focused on what I know and not let what I “feel” drive me.
So with that in mind, here are some things that I know.
1. “All things work together for the good”
2. God loves me.
3. God is in control.
4. I have family who loves me.
5. I have friends who love me.
6. I have ministry opportunities.
7. I have a roof over my head.
8. I have food in my cupboards.
I believe that there are wonderful days of discovery ahead. That might not always be comfortable, but it will be a gift from God. My job is to unwrap it and to the best of my ability to celebrate the process.
“Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!” 2 Corinthians 9:15
Just Connie
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Moments
There are moments as a pastor that will stay with you forever. Some are moments of joy … some are moments of sorrow. Tonight was one of those moments. I will forever remember the faces, the tears … the pain that was so evident in those around the table. Some of those tears were mine.
Tonight the Conference met with the Gladstone Church Board to share the decision of the Conference Leadership Board to close the Gladstone Church. The weight of this decision and the difficulty in coming to this decision was evident to me. The pain this decision brought to people I love, hurt my heart.
There was hurt, disagreement and anger expressed during the course of the meeting. There were hurtful things said in anger that frankly disappointed me as a pastor. My heart is grieved over the loss that my people are facing and the anger they are struggling with.
Anger is a funny emotion. Anger in itself is not wrong, but what we do with that anger … that is where it really counts. So what do we do when we are hurt, when we are angry, when life is going in a direction that we do not like? When there is a loss that is tearing me apart? I think it comes down to making a choice. Will I let anger control me? Or will I control my anger? James reminds us that anger can be a dangerous path.
“man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” James 1:20
This is a clear reminder that anger can lead us to actions that are less than what God calls us to. It might be understandable, it might even be justified in my mind, but it can still be dead wrong. Our emotions do not have to rule us.
“I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing” 1 Timothy 2:8
I think the answer to anger is more of Christ and less of me. I need to be praying. When anger begins to rise, I need to pray. It is a choice I can make. Prayer will always be the right choice. You know, I think there will be plenty of opportunity to practice prayer in the weeks ahead.
Just Connie
Tonight the Conference met with the Gladstone Church Board to share the decision of the Conference Leadership Board to close the Gladstone Church. The weight of this decision and the difficulty in coming to this decision was evident to me. The pain this decision brought to people I love, hurt my heart.
There was hurt, disagreement and anger expressed during the course of the meeting. There were hurtful things said in anger that frankly disappointed me as a pastor. My heart is grieved over the loss that my people are facing and the anger they are struggling with.
Anger is a funny emotion. Anger in itself is not wrong, but what we do with that anger … that is where it really counts. So what do we do when we are hurt, when we are angry, when life is going in a direction that we do not like? When there is a loss that is tearing me apart? I think it comes down to making a choice. Will I let anger control me? Or will I control my anger? James reminds us that anger can be a dangerous path.
“man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” James 1:20
This is a clear reminder that anger can lead us to actions that are less than what God calls us to. It might be understandable, it might even be justified in my mind, but it can still be dead wrong. Our emotions do not have to rule us.
“I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing” 1 Timothy 2:8
I think the answer to anger is more of Christ and less of me. I need to be praying. When anger begins to rise, I need to pray. It is a choice I can make. Prayer will always be the right choice. You know, I think there will be plenty of opportunity to practice prayer in the weeks ahead.
Just Connie
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Shocking News
I am reeling in shock. I do not even have words to describe my shock. I am no longer employed. I just joined the growing ranks of unemployed Americans. I still cannot wrap my mind around it. I have worked for the Mission for 10 years, it will be so strange to not get up Monday morning and go to work. I have to say that I did not see this coming.
I have no idea what the future will hold. I feel the weight of concern over commitments and bills that will have to be paid. I also have to admit to feeling grief that I did not offer enough value to the organization to be used in some capacity.
At this point I do not even know what to say, I am still processing this event. I do believe that God is sufficient for this. I cannot begin to imagine where He will take me in the days ahead. But I believe that God is in control. I need to trust Him and I need to seek His will for my life at this time.
“Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you” Psalm 9:10
Trust and wait ….. I guess it is what faith is all about.
I have no idea what the future will hold. I feel the weight of concern over commitments and bills that will have to be paid. I also have to admit to feeling grief that I did not offer enough value to the organization to be used in some capacity.
At this point I do not even know what to say, I am still processing this event. I do believe that God is sufficient for this. I cannot begin to imagine where He will take me in the days ahead. But I believe that God is in control. I need to trust Him and I need to seek His will for my life at this time.
“Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you” Psalm 9:10
Trust and wait ….. I guess it is what faith is all about.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Disheartening Delays
I am mad, I am sad and I am frustrated. I left work early today to drive to the Polk County courthouse to file the next set of papers for the legal separation. I handed in the signed acceptance of service from my husband and was ready to turn in the next set of paperwork to finalize this process. They looked at the signed papers and said, “You cannot file for 30 days”. I was stunned. It seems that Gerrald did not date the papers the day he was served the separation papers, but instead dated it the day he finally got it notarized.
I find that I am really mad. To the best of my ability I have been patient and kind and have given him space at every turn. For 6 months I have held off some of the steps as he has asked. But now, at this point he delays it needlessly yet another month? I want to scream and shout and stomp my feet, but instead I just sit here and cry. And that makes me even madder.
I am sad that this relationship, that had everything going for it, was thrown away for nothing. I am sad for all the lies, the fear, the brokenness and the sheer immensity of this loss. I am sad for the waste of something rare and wonderful. I am sad, lonely and so discouraged tonight.
I am frustrated. I want to be finished with this. I am tired of hurting; I am tired of this struggle. I want this to be done. I want to stop crying.
I guess at this point I really do not have many options. I have to either move forward or give up. I will not give up. I cannot give up. I will not go back to the fear and lies. But my heart hurts and I feel weary to my very bones. It is hard to see beyond the hurt and discouragement.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
That is God’s promise to me. Tonight I will seek His face and His rest. I will choose to trust in that promise even though I do not feel the reality in my heart right now. I choose to move ahead in faith until my heart catches up with what my mind knows. God knows my hurt and God knows my heart, He will see me through this.
Just Connie
I find that I am really mad. To the best of my ability I have been patient and kind and have given him space at every turn. For 6 months I have held off some of the steps as he has asked. But now, at this point he delays it needlessly yet another month? I want to scream and shout and stomp my feet, but instead I just sit here and cry. And that makes me even madder.
I am sad that this relationship, that had everything going for it, was thrown away for nothing. I am sad for all the lies, the fear, the brokenness and the sheer immensity of this loss. I am sad for the waste of something rare and wonderful. I am sad, lonely and so discouraged tonight.
I am frustrated. I want to be finished with this. I am tired of hurting; I am tired of this struggle. I want this to be done. I want to stop crying.
I guess at this point I really do not have many options. I have to either move forward or give up. I will not give up. I cannot give up. I will not go back to the fear and lies. But my heart hurts and I feel weary to my very bones. It is hard to see beyond the hurt and discouragement.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
That is God’s promise to me. Tonight I will seek His face and His rest. I will choose to trust in that promise even though I do not feel the reality in my heart right now. I choose to move ahead in faith until my heart catches up with what my mind knows. God knows my hurt and God knows my heart, He will see me through this.
Just Connie
Monday, June 1, 2009
Raccoon Wars Return
The raccoon wars are back in full swing. You can tell by the circles under my eyes and the drag in my step by the end of the day. Last night was …. well let me give you an overview of what is going on.
It began around 1:30 when Charlie my sheepdog turned into a snarling, barking bristling 120 pound maniac and launched herself off the end of my bed at the open window. That could only mean one thing; the raccoons were back for the 4th night in a row.
I have a large garbage can on the deck that holds 50 pounds of dog food. The raccoons have learned to unsnap the lid. So I tied the top shut and stacked a shovel and a rake on top so I would know if clever little raccoons tried to get in. I really don’t know why I bothered since Charlie immediately lets me know if they are within a half mile of the house.
It was hot and the window was open, so I had a very clear view of the raccoon trying to dislodge the tools. He also had a very clear view of me as he immediately stood up on his hind legs spread his little furry arms and hissed at me. I yelled at him but he only moved two steps away and hissed again. So I grabbed my broom, turned on all the outside lights and ran out on the deck and took a swing at him. He ran to the end of the deck and I ran after him wildly swinging the broom and yelling at him. He finally climbed the tree just out of my reach and sat there and hissed at me. I smacked the tree a couple of times with the broom thinking I could scare him off, but he wasn’t budging.
Meanwhile, Charlie continued to bark, snarl and lung at the window while out of breath, I leaned on the broom, tried to hush the dog and glared at the still present raccoon. Suddenly I had this picture of what the neighbors were seeing at this point. Me, running around the deck in my night gown, at 2:00 in the morning, with all the yard lights on, yelling and swinging a broom. (I have a feeling that the neighbors all think I get a little weirder by the day) I felt the laughter begin to bubble up and I just stood there at the foot of the tree and laughed and laughed. That was more than the raccoon could handle and he finally scampered off.
I turned off the lights, put the broom away, told Charlie she was a big hairy goober and headed to bed still chuckling.
“A cheerful heart is good medicine” Proverbs 17:22
It is a good thing that laughter is good for the soul, I just hope it will balance the lack of sleep.
Just Connie
It began around 1:30 when Charlie my sheepdog turned into a snarling, barking bristling 120 pound maniac and launched herself off the end of my bed at the open window. That could only mean one thing; the raccoons were back for the 4th night in a row.
I have a large garbage can on the deck that holds 50 pounds of dog food. The raccoons have learned to unsnap the lid. So I tied the top shut and stacked a shovel and a rake on top so I would know if clever little raccoons tried to get in. I really don’t know why I bothered since Charlie immediately lets me know if they are within a half mile of the house.
It was hot and the window was open, so I had a very clear view of the raccoon trying to dislodge the tools. He also had a very clear view of me as he immediately stood up on his hind legs spread his little furry arms and hissed at me. I yelled at him but he only moved two steps away and hissed again. So I grabbed my broom, turned on all the outside lights and ran out on the deck and took a swing at him. He ran to the end of the deck and I ran after him wildly swinging the broom and yelling at him. He finally climbed the tree just out of my reach and sat there and hissed at me. I smacked the tree a couple of times with the broom thinking I could scare him off, but he wasn’t budging.
Meanwhile, Charlie continued to bark, snarl and lung at the window while out of breath, I leaned on the broom, tried to hush the dog and glared at the still present raccoon. Suddenly I had this picture of what the neighbors were seeing at this point. Me, running around the deck in my night gown, at 2:00 in the morning, with all the yard lights on, yelling and swinging a broom. (I have a feeling that the neighbors all think I get a little weirder by the day) I felt the laughter begin to bubble up and I just stood there at the foot of the tree and laughed and laughed. That was more than the raccoon could handle and he finally scampered off.
I turned off the lights, put the broom away, told Charlie she was a big hairy goober and headed to bed still chuckling.
“A cheerful heart is good medicine” Proverbs 17:22
It is a good thing that laughter is good for the soul, I just hope it will balance the lack of sleep.
Just Connie
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