Separation Reality

I hurt today. Grief is washing over me and I cannot seem to stop the flow. It is all encompassing despair that makes it impossible to see past the hurt.

I filed the last set of papers for legal separation at the courthouse today. I was a little nervous but doing well, I had every confidence that I was going to get this last set of papers filed and get back home with no tears. I did real well right up until they handed me the papers that asked me to quantify the reason for this separation. Suddenly the words of the paper blurred and I was flooded with an overwhelming sadness. It is shocking to me that it has come to this.

I pulled it together as best as I could, but I cried all the way home, I have cried all afternoon. This is a hurt that I cannot seem to push aside right now. The reality of what this separation means for me is inescapable. It means that I am alone. In everything I face and everything I do, I will live life by myself. It means no loving arms wrapped around me after a long day of work. No laughter and teasing, no one to share my evenings with. I am alone and I will be alone. The specter of that aloneness is rather frightening to me.

I keep trying to remember the other things this separation will mean for me. No more drunken rages. No more searching for alcohol. No more wondering if he will be sober when I get home. No more wondering how long he will be sober this time. No more financial nightmares. No more being lied to. No more fear.

And still I am sad, grieved beyond my capacity to express at the loss of my cowboy. The loss of everything we could have been together…. thrown away for no good reason. I am heartsick and have no answers for myself. All I can do is cry out.

“Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.” Psalm 31:9

“This too will pass” and tomorrow is a new day. But tomorrow seems like a long way away.

Just Connie