The Phone Call

Today or tomorrow the legal separation will be final. I am glad to have this legal stuff behind me so I can continue to heal and move into the future. I have so many emotions about this and such sorrow. The depth of my sorrow surprises me after 7 months of separation. But I believe that this legal separation is the right thing. I do not think I have a choice. I think it brings a legal and emotional protection that I would not otherwise have.

I was doing pretty good with the whole separation today … and then my husband called. I did okay with it for a while. Right up until he told me quietly that he missed me. I struggled to try to find the right thing to say. I did not know what to say. I did not want to tell him how much I missed him and how much I did not miss his behaviors. I found that I did not want to get into it at all. I knew that it would not make any difference at all and would do nothing but upset both of us.

Sigh …. I am not sure how to maneuver through this. I do not how to handle his loneliness. I can barely handle my own loneliness and sadness. But I guess the reality is that he should be sad. He should be sad that he walked away from our marriage once again. He should be sad that he chose a can of beer over his wife yet again. I think that loneliness is a normal consequence of his choices.

The reality is that I love him but I do not love his behavior and the abuses of the past years. I do not think I can do anything about his loneliness. In fact I think that it is important for him to feel the consequences of his choices. I need to somehow find a balance that does not rip my heart up in the process.

I am not sure what that balance is. I guess that will be part of what I will learn in the months ahead. For now I need to stand strong in the freedom I have been given and celebrate what this brings to me. I just wish that this freedom was not so painful.

I want to do what is right, what is kind and what is pleasing to God. I guess I can only do it one step at a time.

“For we are taking pains to do what is right, not only in the eyes of the Lord but also in the eyes of men.” 2 Corinthians 8:21

Just Connie